Inflamed Again

“There are two tragedies in life.

One is to lose your heart’s desire.

The other is to gain it.” -- George Bernard Shaw

That cloudy morning as the rain started in a cool mist outside the busy Seapoint International Airport, I spotted it. Her sad brown eyes broadcasted it the moment I viewed her waiting for me outside her Kia Soul. She wore a cute white-tiered summer dress with thin spaghetti straps, no bra, wringing her hands in an anxiousness I could taste. It was over between us. Fuck. Sweeping Angel up in my arms, she wrapped her long legs around me without any pretense or care for the others who walked passed with their judgy stares. Angel on had eyes for me and me her. Damn. It had been so goddamn long since I held my sweet, sexy little angel in my arms. How she kissed me like her life depended on it, let me know she felt the same way. I could taste it. Regardless, the day I had fought against and denied had come: our final goodbye.

Angel was too quiet on the drive to the apartment she no longer shared with her best friend Cynthia. This girl of mine literally would be talking my ear off! She would try to fill the space in time we had in-person with all she could remember of what she had not spoken with me about while I was gone. I didn’t mind as I squeezed the hand she had not been using to drive. I loved hearing her talk. Really. I missed her chattiness while away traveling for work or living in New York so far from where I wanted to be.

I loved everything about this girl. The fact that I did amazed even me every day, bearing in mind how it all began. My angel and I were not together very long, but the most natural occurrence in my life was getting to know her. We… fit like a puzzle, so well suited for each other as if someone molded us that way. Each groove interlocked together in perfect symmetry.

Everything was so easy with her. Angel calmed me after a long, stressful day of work. She made me laugh, at myself, at her picking on herself, or some observation made during the day, and shared with me. The way she looked at things was so fun, different from anyone I’d known before.

She’s beautiful. I didn’t mean in the physical sense. I mean, she was in the entirety of her being. Sure, Angel had legs that were exceptional. And her nipples? Don’t even get me started there! Those ripe little berries drove me insane with how appealing they were. Oh, how I loved to suck them, nibble them. Damn.

Her face? No, this girl was not a beauty queen like my ex Jessa. Some would say Angel was rather plain in the face. Average. So was I next to my older brother Steve, although he would beg to differ. I believed that I was just a tad better in my charm and confidence than most, and the ladies always responded well to that.

Ahhh, but then Angel would smile. I remembered the first time I observed it. We rode the elevator together one day when she first moved into the apartment with her roommate across the hall from me. I swear Angel stole my breath in the little cut-off jean shorts she wore that summer day. Her pretty roommate, a busty redhead, helped her move into our apartment complex and chatted as young girls seemed to do. They giggled and whispered behind me a lot. I sensed that I was the subject of their immediate attention, and it gave me such a rush to be ogled by the cute girls. A fantasy of mine had been to fuck two college girls at the same time, but the opportunity never arose.

I held the elevator door for both of them when our floor came, and they continued to smile with giggles at me. Very adorable. It was Angel’s smile, though, that tugged at my heart most. Every time I saw her after that, it was the same. When we ran into each other in the elevator before or after my morning run she left for school or work that smile of hers melted something in me.

What was it? Everything Angel was could be viewed in that gorgeous smile. Her soul shined in it, filling those pretty brown eyes of hers that were constant softness and warmth I always wanted to lounge in. Such a caring woman, her smile foretold.

It was true. I knew it in her touch the first time and every time we were together. How deeply she felt everything. Unlike every other woman I’d met, no pretense existed about Angel. No guess was necessary since Angel's feelings showed all over her face. I think it frustrated me most about her. It also helped me fall so deep, so fast for her.

Life in New York City, as you might guess, was fast-paced. I missed the relaxed vibe of Seapoint, Oregon, since the move 3,000 miles away. Much less stress existed on the opposite coast, and its location made visiting my family in the upper Northwest a breeze. With my dad gone, I wanted to help my brother and sister more with Mom since she wasn’t doing so well at Dad's sudden passing a few months ago. However, the promotion at Mead Nash and my apartment in Manhattan were perfect. The only thing missing was Angel by my side.

I missed Angel every day we were apart in sharing the little things. Oh, and the sex, damn! The sex I definitely missed because she put everything into it and surrendered so readily to her passion. I could not help but reciprocate. I would not dare hold back. How could I? The more I had her, the more I wanted.

Believe me, I desired badly for Angel to reconsider relocating to New York with me. The selfish man in me reasoned that she could find another job and could transfer to another grad school in New York. I totally understood that would be more of a cost for her. She would be leaving her friends as well. The trade-off would be that she was closer to her family in Buffalo. Nonetheless, her current employer paid for her graduate school education for a commitment from her to work for them for a year after attaining her doctor's degree. They also hired her at a modest salary with her current qualifications.

How could she possibly turn that down?

Exactly… Angel wouldn’t.

I swallowed my selfishness. Instead, I smiled and encouraged her toward the decision that made perfect sense. Working for Flagstaff Mental Health Group was an opportunity that Angel shouldn’t pass up. Her dream job (that’s what she shared with me before everything turned to shit), and she deserved to realize her dreams of helping people as a psychologist. So giving Angel was in that way with a real heart for it. For the sake of what was best for her, I never suggested she leave Seapoint. I couldn’t. I loved Angel far too much to allow her to make that kind of sacrifice for me.

During the week I spent in New York or on travel for work, my angel and I video chatted and texted. The phone sex and sexting were as hot, if not more so, in the three months since I left Seapoint because of that bitch ex of mine trapping me by her pregnancy. Jessa just couldn’t leave it at that. Oh, no. She needed to fuck up my life because of her manipulative ways. Should have just followed my gut and broken up with Jessa a lot sooner than I did. That’s on me. I definitely shouldn’t have fucked her that last time, feeling sorry for her ass. I should have just let her bawl and kicked her ass out of my apartment.

Woulda, shoulda, coulda didn’t mean shit now. Fact remained Jessa was pregnant with my son. Further, she took a job in a fashion house in New York. If I wanted to be a part of my son's life, I needed to be there as in not Oregon. Bitch. Like she couldn’t get a damn job in Seapoint. Not that Jessa needed to work. She had a trust fund from her dad’s death and only modeled when she wanted to. The rest of her spoiled little rich girl life Jessa partied like no tomorrow. Well, now that she was pregnant, her party days were numbered, which made me smirk.

Jessa’s actions were all about control. Why else make sure that her mommy, my boss, set me up in a prime apartment in New York and oversee personally that I was transferred to the New York office of Mead Nash with an increase in my salary? Yeah, my big boss and owner of the company I worked for also happened to be Jessa’s mother. It shocked me Mrs. Nash was totally on-board for this power play that had me by the fucking balls. I never forgot it, either.

Jessa wanted to get me away from Angel any way she could. Plain and simple. She held out the hope that I would take her back just because she was pregnant. Angel blocked that from happening so she got me moving to New York for the baby. So, Jessa manipulated me to leave Angel by making me choose between the woman I loved and my son. The fucking bitch!

With that last straw, Jessa only ensured I’d never touch her again. The very sight of her made me want to strangle her ass. I hated her for it and would for the rest of my life. Yeah, that’s mighty strong, and I’ve never hated anyone to the core of me, but it’s how I feel, dammit. And I've been pretty vocal about that reality without pulling any punches because that'll never change. Fuck our history when I actually liked Jessa because beneath the spoiled little rich girl, there had actually been a fun-loving and sweet person in there who adored my mom and vice versa. Not anymore... that person was dead to me, just like Jessa was.

The bitch didn’t get it, still. I sure didn't care if she ever did. Angel was who I wanted, and I would never want my ex the same way. Jessa never held my heart in all the years I had known and liked her. Not once in all the four years we dated off and on was it moved to that great emotion. Jessa was great for a party or a lay when she put out. Frigid bitch. Too manipulative. Too jealous and suspicious of my activities because of my past of sleeping around with lots of women.

And, so-the-fuck what? I was a single man and not in a committed relationship. What the fuck did it matter how many women I enjoyed in and out of bed no matter where my travels took me? Hell, I never hid the fact I loved women and loved to fuck even more. Despite that track record, I didn't cheat on that bitch while we dated. Now that same standard didn't hold water to Jessa when I learned she fucked with other models while away on photoshoots in exotic locales for weeks at a time, partied in the hottest clubs around the globe, or got wasted on smack, and God only knew what else. I never saw it with my own two eyes yet heard the rumors. Did it hurt me? Not a bit. Good for her playing the slutty rich bitch. Jessa had plenty of practice.

Somehow, my ex managed to weasel her way back in my good graces, though, and the sex with her was plenty hot until I forgave her. Then believing she had me on the hook again, she started rationing her ass to me like there was a fucking famine. Tired of the games, I broke up with her for good.

Who filled my dreams at night? Who did I long for when away? Who did I love? Guileless. Honest. Angela Fox.

An easy smile crept onto my face as I watched the woman I loved who slept next to me. All over the pillow spilled the dark, soft waves of her hair that I loved tangling in my fingers as I did now. A deep sigh of contentment washed over me because I lived for the moment of being in the same room with my girl. God, I never got tired of looking at Angel as she lay before me with a sheet barely covering the curve of her cute ass.

Even lost in my thoughts as I was, I witnessed the glisten of tears running from Angel's closed eyes, wetting her pillow. I wasn't immune to the cause of them or the pang that entered my heart at their weight. Angel wanted to tell me that she desired more. More than the handful of days I managed that month to see her. More than me flying into Seapoint before and after I traveled for work or heading to New York City for prenatal appointments. Angel sought for everything to be okay as it was with us as neighbors, but it wouldn’t be. We couldn't go back. The stretch of time between my visits lengthened as did the pain of my absence.

I needed Angel to understand that no matter where she was and what she did, she was always on my mind. Neither time nor distance changed any of that for me. She lingered in my heart since I carried her around with me everywhere I went. I didn't care how much time we had because I would take whatever I could get.

Angel's tears shattered me. I hated the pain I caused her. The traveling back and forth wasn’t what I wanted, yet no alternative presented itself. Hearing her whimper my name in her sleep, I understood that I needed to ease her sadness. She needed me to be strong enough for both of us for what came next.

It grew, that pain like a leech, expanding to consume more of her heart each time I went to New York and returned to Seapoint. Angel wanted to break up with me. It lingers unsaid and fueled the way she made love to me tonight. A long-distance relationship was the only way we could be together. I flew to see her and be with her every opportunity I could since I traveled for work anyway. Looping extra time at the beginning or end of a flight for a layover of a few days to spend with Angel worked for me. While I needed her and was not willing to give her up, I also needed to be in my son’s life, shaping it like my dad did for my brother Steve, my sister Frannie, and me. Whatever it took, I would do. The last thing I desired was to lose Angel or my son.

No other choice manifested. Being a frequent flyer was my life. I didn't mind the travel. No matter what, I lived with the consequences of my actions. Nobody, and I do mean nobody, should have had to suffer because of my poor choices. That bitch Jessa was responsible for the situation going from bad to worst, but I wasn’t blameless in the direction it took either.

Seeing Angel happy again, even if it broke my heart never to see her or be with her, was my goal. At least breaking her heart every time I left her would cease. I couldn’t stand to do it to her anymore, no matter how much I wished it was different. I hoped someday Angel might forgive me for being selfish in stringing out the months in a handful of sporadic visits for as long as I had, but I refused to let our relationship end. I couldn't because I needed her as I always would.

Being home again in Seapoint--with Angel in her apartment relaxed the anxiousness I'd experienced since moving out of town. Holding Angel in my arms was my safe place and the only one I needed. How could I ever give up the peace I experienced with her?

No drama.

No lies.

No manipulation.

Only pure love.

Angel meant more to me than any vocabulary I had to express it. I love her. Even those words seemed inadequate to describe the depth of how my heart yearned to be with hers. Angel brought the kind of happiness to my life that I never knew I was missing.

And… the way she gave herself to me? No words summed the gift in our every action, our every act of making love being packed with emotion straight from the heart. Angel held nothing back and laid herself bare. She loved me with everything that she had and demanded the same from me. There was no helping it. Her heart was in everything she did. Immersive, addictive… I couldn’t get enough of her. Angel was like a drug that I couldn’t wean myself from, and I didn't want to. She was the best thing that had entered my life.

So, I stood running my hands through my curly blond hair, gazing over this incredible woman who claimed every part of me. I craved to hold Angel in my arms and tell her it would be okay as I had since everything changed. It had to be because we loved each other. Our love was strong enough to endure anything, even my bitch of an ex, pregnant with my baby. More than anything, though, I craved to be the man that Angel could depend on to be there in Seapoint with her all the time. The distance apart was our rough patch I almost heard my dad advise. God, I wished Dad was there so I could glean his wisdom. He would know the right thing to do because I was torn between what was best for Angel and what I wanted.

Perhaps the view of letting go of the only thing that ever made me happy might not be an end? Only a separation? A true test to know if Angel and I were meant to be together despite everything that had happened with my ex's pregnancy and subsequent move from Seapoint was what we needed to endure. Should the fates allow it, if they ever showed an ounce of mercy, they would somehow bring me back to my angel. I prayed for it because no other hope existed.

Climbing back into bed, I pulled Angel close to my chest. Letting her pleasing honeysuckle scent entice my senses, I breathed her in. Angel soothed me as my heartbeat slowed. She did from the moment we met with this kind of intimacy.

Angel sighed my name as she turned to face me, “Roland…”

“Shhh, Angel. I'm here.” I kissed her tears away and felt my heart bleed in protest of ever betraying the words that I meant to my core. My mind was made to do what was best for her. That was the only thing... no, the right thing for Angel, to stop her suffering in the misery of my making. I was strong enough and loved her enough to--to let her go. She deserved all the happiness I could not give her.

Her heart and her body always would be mine, dammit. Mine. Yes, like this… When I slipped inside her inviting heat so slowly, her brown eyes opened to me. My need for her overflowed, matching hers revealed to me. With my body, I promised no matter what happened from that moment forward, I would be hers. My kiss and my touch echoed the same.

Heart and body.

Mind and soul.

That was the way it would forever be.