Chapter 1
I woke up with my entire body aching. I was definitely getting old, no matter how much I disliked it. I got out of my bed, groaning, and suddenly I had to rush to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t.
As soon as I was done, I jumped in the shower. Today was the day, I thought to myself. It was the day when I was finally going to face one of my biggest fears. Even though I thought that I had made peace with it, but the way my heart was thundering in my chest was telling a completely different story. I was hoping that the shower was going to calm me down.
Even though I was still working out as consistently as I could, when I saw my reflection in the mirror, standing there naked, I couldn’t believe how much weight I had lost in the past six months since I got that fateful call from Dr. Dur. I knew it was caused by stress, because I wasn’t eating very well and I was the unhealthiest I have been in my life, despite the warning of Dr. Dur that now, considering the situation, I had to take care of my health, both physical and mental, more than ever before.
Easier said than done. I walked back to my room, put on some clothes, and trying not to think about my upcoming doctor’s appointment, I walked downstairs in the kitchen where surprisingly, Marcus was already waiting for me, awake and with his laptop in front of him.
When Whitney found out about me, taking the kids and leaving, I didn’t know what else to do or who else to call. So, I dialed the only friend that I thought I had left. Marcus. He was nice enough to let me stay on his couch, but about a month or so after my diagnosis, Marcus also quit the company where we were both working together and took another job, moving out of San Antonio, to the capital of the Lone Star State, Austin.
And knowing that Whitney didn’t want anything to do with the old house we shared together, I moved back into it by myself, feeling lonelier than ever before, the echoes of the memories created there suffocating my every waking moment. I knew I was going to have to sell it eventually. Even though I got a new job and I was still making my mortgage payments on time, the house was too big just for me, and there were also other memories that didn’t involve my wife and my kids that I wanted to forget, but I was constantly reminded of. I’ve learned how to cope, how to push these things to the back of my mind, but not wanting to deal with the issues head on is how I got in this mess to begin with.
The first few weeks after I moved in and was staying with Marcus, I thought that something would happen between us. One night, as we were drinking, we almost shared a kiss, but I pulled back right at the last moment before that happened, because I wasn’t going to go ahead and kiss someone while the threat of HIV was looming over me. I felt tainted, dirty, and Marcus was one of the best people I knew in my life. I couldn’t do that to him.
So, nothing happened. We simply remained friends until he moved out.
But, knowing what the day held for me today, and since he had the weekend off, Marcus drove from Austin to be here for me, as a moral support. I appreciated that more than I could’ve expressed it with words.
“Good morning,” said Marcus. He was wearing shorts and a hoodie, and he was staring at his laptop, his thick-rimmed glasses dangling on the edge of his nose. He pushed them back when he lifted his head to look at me. His light-brown hair was disheveled and he looked at me with his crystal-clear blue eyes and a kind smile on his face. “How are you doing this morning?”
“I’m great, just peachy,” I answered. Marcus didn’t take my sarcasm to heart and he knew I wasn’t snappy just for the sake of it.
“That good huh? I anticipated something like that, so I brewed the coffee extra strong, just for you.”
“Thanks, man,” I said. Marcus is twenty-seven, eight years younger than I am. He’s a skinny guy, with a nerdy look, but he still had a charm to him. He was also gay, but he wasn’t in a relationship. I always wanted to ask him why not, but Marcus never pried into my life or asked unnecessary questions, so I figured I would return the favor and not stick my own nose where it didn’t belong. Everything I knew about him was stuff he voluntarily shared, and vice versa.
I poured myself a cup of coffee. It was still pretty hot. I drank a gulp of it, no cream or sugar, just pure black. I needed the bitterness on my tongue. It made me feel a bit better about myself.
“What time is your appointment?” asked Marcus. I turned around and faced him and I was surprise to see that he was still looking at me, and that he had closed his laptop. I could tell that he was also tense.
“In an hour, so I will probably be getting out of here soon.”
“Do you want me to come with you? I mean, I drove out here for emotional support after all.”
This was news to me, but my heart panged and suddenly I felt like I was going to melt into a puddle. Marcus’s request made my eyes sting, and I could feel them filling with tears. Marcus didn’t do anything to approach me or comfort me, and that made me like him more, if that was even possible.
“I-I appreciate that, Marcus.”
“Let me go put some more decent clothes on,” he said and he got up from the chair.
“No,” I said. “You stay here. It’s Saturday and your day off, and you already sacrificed it to be here with me. I appreciate that you offered, and I appreciate you. You should know that by now. But this is my mess, and I need to face the consequences by myself. I’ve been acting immaturely for too long, and it’s time for me to face the music.”
Marcus just nodded. I walked up to him, and I hugged him, and I could feel two tears streaming down my face. Marcus hugged me back, and then he whispered in my ear: “Everything will be fine, don’t you worry about it.”
How I wish that he was right.
Thirty minutes ago, I was stuck in traffic on my way to Dr. Dur’s office. Even though I left fifteen minutes earlier than I needed, I was now still wondering if I was going to make it on time. I don’t know why so many people were out and about on a Saturday, but traffic was just a nuisance that was completely out of my control and all I could do was choose how to react to it.
Just like the potential situation and news I was about to face at the doctor’s.
After my original diagnosis, I went back for more tests. The second one came back negative, but the third one read another positive. Dr. Dur told me that sometimes it is uncertain until six months have passed, and yesterday I went and had my blood drawn again, for the six months result which was going to seal my fate. One way or another, today I was going to know. My heart was beating wildly in my chest as I walked into the waiting room and checked in, and I was waiting for the nurse to come out and check my vitals and all that stuff.
After we were done, she left me alone in Dr. Dur’s office and told me to wait, and that the doctor was going to be with me right away.
Dr. Dur’s office was quiet, and I could hear the ticking of my wrist watch that I got from Marcus for my birthday. For a techy guy, he told me he didn’t like the smart watches, and figured sometimes it is nice to keep some things traditional. Every tick was so loud, I felt like it was echoing and reverberating through my entire being, counting down the seconds I had to live on this space-floating piece of rock. Every second was like a stab, and every minute felt longer than a decade as I waited.
When, after three minutes later, Dr. Dur joined me, I felt like a lifetime had passed.
“Mr. Reeves, good morning,” said Dr. Dur. “How are you doing?”
“I’m… okay,” I said. Dr. Dur already knew all about the body aches and pains that I felt, and she told me that most of them weren’t related to anything other than age, despite the fact that I was more fit than most thirty-five-year-olds I knew.
“It’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling right now,” said Dr. Dur. She looked down at the file she had in her hands, and then she looked at me. “Your heartbeats frequency is a bit higher this morning, and I can see that your blood pressure is a bit elevated too, but considering the conversation we’re about to have, that is totally normal. Just in case, I would like for you to keep an eye on your blood pressure. If you can afford it, get yourself one of those at home monitors, or you can always stop at a pharmacy that offers those kinds of tests for free when you’re out shopping or something.”
I nodded. My mouth was dry and I feel like while she was talking my heartbeats frequency increased and my blood pressure probably skyrocketed even more. I just wanted to for her to cut through the chase.
“You don’t have it, Mr. Reeves. Your final test came back negative.”
When she spoke those words, I felt like my legs completely detached from my body, and I felt my hands instantly getting cold. The ringing in my ears filled my entire head, and all of the sudden I thought I was going to pass out. And yet, my heart soared with joy and I felt like my soul could fly out of my body and embrace Dr. Dur entirely, wrapping itself completely around her, because she just gave me the best news I could’ve hoped for, especially since I thought I was a dead man walking.
I know that HIV is not a death sentence nowadays, what with the progress in medicine and the tireless research of scientists all over the world working on a vaccine. I read the literature. I familiarized myself with everything that I could get my hands on and I knew that my life wasn’t going to be over. It was just that no matter how much I read on it, I still felt hopelessness that I couldn’t describe with words. I didn’t even realize that Dr. Dur was talking to me.
“… Mr. Reeves, are you alright?”
“Thank you, Dr. Dur,” I managed to voice my words out. “Thank you so much.”
Dr. Dur nodded. “You are most welcome, Mr. Reeves, but hope that I don’t need to remind you of the conversation we had six months ago. You have been very reckless and engaged in a lot of risky behavior. Sexual health is important, and going through something that you are just now going through causes the body and the mind a lot of stress. If you don’t want us to be sitting here in a few months, and have this conversation again, I expect you to be a bit more responsible and use protection. Of course, there are other preventative measures we can discuss now that we’ve established your status for certain. Have you heard of PrEP, Mr. Reeves?”
Twenty minutes later, after having prescribed me PrEP and warned me of the side effects associated with taking the drug, I stopped at the store. I haven’t told anyone the good news yet, and I became a bit sad when I realized that the only person I could share my happiness was Marcus. Whitney was dealing with her own stuff, and the kids had no idea what either me or their mom was going through. I was a jerk because while I was hooking up with men left and right, I was also having unprotected sex with my soon-to-be-ex-wife, which is probably one of the shittiest things I’ve ever done in my life. I don’t know how or why, but safe sex practices weren’t at the forefront of my mind when I was busy stuffing my face with cock and taking it up the ass. So reckless, just like Dr. Dur said.
Well, I was a changed man and I had learned my lesson.
I picked up a bottle of champagne from the store, and the most expensive box of chocolates I could find, for Marcus, for helping me out when no one was there when my entire world came down crushing over me. After I thought about it, I also picked up a bag of condoms. I wasn’t planning to have sex with anyone yet, but you never knew when the situation would arise, and from now on, I was going to be ready.
I was a soon-to-be-divorced gay man, and I was excited to date another man, without having to hide in the shadows anymore. The prospect was scary, but also exciting. And I needed to get back in top shape and start eating better.
As soon as I made it back home and I walked through the door, Marcus walked out of the living room to greet me. The look of concern on his face was palpable, and he looked like he was trying to reign himself in with every single ounce of free will he had not to ask me.
His gaze fell on the paper bag I had in my hands, where you could see the top of the champagne protruding out, and then his crystal-clear blue eyes opened wide.
“I’m clear, man,” I said. “I don’t have it. It came back negative.”
Marcus ran towards me, and he grabbed me into a bone-crushing hug that was surprisingly firm for a skinny guy like him. I dropped the bag on the ground and I hugged him back, and I couldn’t help myself as the tears ran down my face for the second time today while hugging this man.
“I told you it was all going to be alright, didn’t I?” said Marcus somewhere behind my back.
We stepped away from each other. “I bought a champagne for us to celebrate.”
“Screw that, I am taking you out for lunch. We have to celebrate properly.”
“If anyone is taking someone out for lunch, it is me. To celebrate, yes, but also to thank you for being my only friend these last few months. You were my rock, Marcus. I hope you know that.”
I had never seen Marcus blush before, but he did at that moment. “Let me go get changed, and we can go. But I’m driving.”
“You mean to say, your Tesla will be driving us,” I corrected.
“Of course. Now pop that champagne open!”
I did so, gladly.
