Al Calzone: A mafia parody

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Summary

Meet Al Calzone, a simple Italian boy who loves food, especially pizza. All his life he has wanted to own his own pizzeria. The only problem is he's also the heir to a mafia empire. Can pizza and mafia make a happy mix? ------------------------------------- Get ready for some parodies of mafia stories and movies as well as some of my original ideas, so be prepared for anything! [Cover image credit: Moondance on pixabay]

Status
Complete
Chapters
30
Rating
5.0 1 review
Age Rating
18+

A small town boy

"Al! Come and help your nonna!" Nonna yells.

You enter the kitchen to see Nonna surrounded by a bunch of ingredients.

"What are we making today, Nonna?" you ask.

"Your favourite," she replies.

"Pizza? Yes!"

"Of course!" she laughs.

It reminds you of old times with Nonna.

"I’m not so good with my hands now, Al. You’re going to have to do most of the chopping today," she looks down at her hands and frowns.

"Leave it to me, Nonna"

It breaks your heart to see her losing dexterity in her fingers.

It was the one thing she loved to do, and soon she wouldn’t be able to do it for much longer.

Her lovely brown hair had turned a silvery grey and her skin, although still youthful for her age, was looking more tired these days.

"Yeah, I miss those old days," you think to yourself.


[Many years ago...]

"Al! Come and help me in the kitchen!" Nonna yells.

"What are we making today, Nonna?" you ask wide-eyed.

"Pasta," she replies.

"Aw...can’t we make pizza? You promised yesterday," you whine.

"Oh, alright. You twisted Nonna’s arm," she laughs.

"Pizza! Yes!" you jump up and down.

"Now, watch me carefully. This is how you slice the onion."

She holds it sideways, cuts off the root, then slices lengthways in strips about a quarter inch thick, being careful to keep the stem intact.

"See? Now I slice sideways like this," she says as she angles her knife sideways and cuts in similar strips towards the stem, still keeping it intact.

"Now it looks like french fries stuck together, see?"

She then slices downwards again horizontally.

"And now it becomes tiny cubes of onion!"

"Wow! Like magic!" you proclaim.

"You will learn this too, Al. It will become second nature." she says confidently.

You watch in wonder as Nonna handles the ingredients with precision and flair.

"Ok, now the easy part," she smiles and hands you the wooden spoon.

"Paint the base!" you shout excitedly.

You spread Nonna's signature tomato paste mixture onto the pizza base Nonna had miraculously made last night.

"Wait...does that mean she always intended to make pizza today?" you wonder.

Then you see that the pizza base is laid out and the oven is already turned on as well.

"Man, she’s a sneaky one..."

"And now..." Her voice breaks your train of thought.

"Toppings!" you clap your hands.

"Go crazy with it, bello."

You gleefully put as many topping as you can fit and then cover it in shredded cheese.

Suddenly there’s a commotion and the kitchen door bursts open.

"There’s blood all over the car! I can’t get it off!" Nonno stumbles in and practically yells.

"Mamma mia! Can’t you see I’m cooking with Al?" Nonna yells back.

She clips him over the shoulder annoyed.

"Scusi, but ya gotta help me..." he implores.

"Eh!" She throws up her hands and then rummages around in the pantry, then hands him a large bottle of something.

"Vinegar. Vinegar solves everything." She shoves the bottle into Nonno's hands.

"This is why we always need to keep extra bottles, ok, bello?" she winks at you.

"Yes, Nonna," you reply without really understanding much of what was going on.


[Back to the present]

"Vinegar..." you whisper, absentmindedly.

"What’s that, bello? I haven’t got my hearing aid in"

"Oh, nothing..." you reply.

"I would like to eat this pizza some time in the next century..." she taps her watch and mocks annoyance.

"Sorry, Nonna," you laugh.

You get back to work slicing and dicing the ingredients.

"Ah, see...you are an expert now," she beams.

"I learnt from the best!" you smile back.

"Yes, my bambino is all grown up now..." she whispers.

"I wonder if he ever misses his mother..."

"Now who’s daydreaming, Nonna?"

"Huh? Don’t be cheeky!" she scowls.

You watch as Nonna spreads the tomato paste onto the pizza base and put the toppings on.

The roles have really reversed...

Once it’s covered in cheese, she puts it in the oven.

As you’re cleaning up, the kitchen door bursts open.

"I’m too old for this shit!" sighs Nonno.

"What is it?" asks Nonna.

"Uh...you’ll get upset, so I’m just going to get the vinegar," Nonno says sheepishly.

"How many times have I told you, my kitchen is a no-go zone?" she glares.

"Sorry...sorry..." he frowns.

"Eh!" She clips him over the shoulder, annoyed.

Nonno grabs a bottle of vinegar and quickly leaves.

"Men! They never learn!" she fumes.

She turns to you. "But not you, bello. I hope you never have to deal with any of that..."

Up until now, Nonna has protected you from most of your family’s affairs.

"This is not the life you want, is it bello? "

"I just want you to be happy, Al."

"I know, Nonna, and I appreciate you protecting me from it, but it’s part of my family..." you reply.

"You’re a good boy. A gentle boy. You could never handle these sorts of things. Tell me, what is it you really want to do?"

"I’m planning to buy out the pizza shop. Maurice finally decided to sell it to me. Is that stupid?" you ask.

"Stupid? No...of course not! If it makes you happy, then that’s what you should do!" she smiles.

"I can’t stand how pizzas are made...nobody makes good ones, except for you of course, but once the shop is mine, I’ll be free to change the recipe."

"Do it, bello. Follow your heart," she smiles again.

"I’m going to revolutionise the pizza industry one pizza at a time!" you laugh.

It’s true...up until now pizza has not been that popular...it’s because nobody makes it like your Nonna.

"Then that is what you will do!" She gives you a big bear hug.

"And don’t worry about the Calzone empire. As long as I’m alive I won’t let them drag you into it..."

Her voice trails off and she clutches at her throat.

"Nonna?"

Nonna collapses onto the kitchen floor.

"Well, shit."


That was a bit unexpected...

Will the Calzone family allow him to stay on his own path or drag him into their affairs?