By the window

I look out the window at our backyard, where we have green grass and some plants that belonged to the previous owners. I love this place and the peace it has given me from the beginning. Our life has never been quiet or normal like other families. My dad and I have been alone together from a young age after my mom died of cancer. Then not long after, my dad found out that he was also very sick. It was a hard way to go, but now we moved to the quiet neighborhood of South Hooksett in the state of New Hampshire. Here we can find some happiness after all the hard years we had. My dad is my everything and that’ll never change.

Besides my dad, it’s education that I have in mind. Now I am starting a new school, I am very nervous, but I am almost finished, so I can help my dad to provide for us. Now we have this beautiful house, I want to do as much as I can to stay here. Next to us, you can only see a glimpse of the upstairs windows, because there is a three-meter fence between our gardens. We have never met the neighbors, they are like us, very lonely. We don’t have any friends here, and Dad isn’t the type to make new friends. One night I saw some lights in the window. I tried to look closer, but before I could see more, they closed the curtains.

My father tried to get me to apply faster so I could finish my last year, but I was a little reluctant, feeling that if I did, I would soon lose something. My education was the thing I was holding on to for the rest of my damn life because I was so nervous about getting a job. I was still not sure what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

“Millie, can you come downstairs?” my dad asked me, snapping me out of my thoughts. I saw him standing next to another man. “What’s wrong, Daddy?” I ask him, smiling at the man next to him. “Honey, this is a friend of mine,” my daddy started to talk to me, which made me nervous because daddy never brought anyone new to our house, especially friends he just met. “He also works with me at the clinic,” Daddy said as if he was hiding something. Daddy is a technician who has been working here at the clinic for only a month.

“Are you a doctor?” I ask him, still smiling, because the tension in the hallway felt so strange. “No, I am a physiotherapist.” Where is this going? Does Dad need the help of a physical therapist? “Stanley is here to meet you because I have told him so much about you,” Dad said, with a nervous smile, like I was at a job interview. “Hi Stanley, nice to meet you,” I said as I turned to my dad. “I have an appointment on campus for next school year.” He nodded and kissed me on the cheek. I left the house with a strange feeling, thinking I was seeing things that weren’t there. What could happen to Dad if he has a new boyfriend?

The campus is still very quiet because most of the enrollments have already happened. I was still thinking about what I wanted to do here because I could not figure out what to do. It was my senior year, and I was looking for something new. Daddy thought it would be a great idea to get more education and become a bachelor. I agreed, and now I am struggling with what to do. The day on campus wasn’t productive because I was still struggling to find something that would give me the thrill I was looking for.

Back at home, I found my dad sitting in his chair in front of the TV. “Aren’t you at work, Dad?” I asked him because this morning I thought he was going to work with his new girlfriend. “I had a day off, so I decided to have a quiet day at home.” With a raised eyebrow, I look at him strangely. My daddy wasn’t a man for a quiet day at home. “Don’t think too much about it, dear, I have a feeling I might catch a cold.” I nod and go to the kitchen to cook for us.

Later, at the dinner table, Daddy was still very quiet until he raised his voice and looked at me. “What is it, Daddy, you are so quiet?” He sighed and started to look at his still full plate in front of him. “There is something, dear, but I don’t want you to be mad at me.” I look into his eyes, which look sad and even red. That’s not my dad, why didn’t I see it this morning? “Tell me, Daddy, you know I can’t be mad at you,” I say with a strained smile, nervous that it could be bad because my father’s words are not good news.

“Stanley and I are talking about getting married.” My mouth almost falls open, this isn’t what I expected to hear. Is Daddy gay? “Wedding, Daddy, I didn’t know you were dating?” He let out a small laugh, noticing what I was thinking about his words before, “Not my wedding, dear, yours.” My heart quickened at the thought of my father looking for a man, for me.

“Daddy, I am perfectly happy with my life with you,” I say shakily, not sure what to say to this revelation. “Darling, you need some love in your life and this is the moment. It is a nice man who wants to take care of you.” My eyes start to get wet because I don’t want any man, I want to stay with Daddy and finish school. “What about school, Daddy, I am still looking for my last year.” He sighs again, tired of talking, he’s not a talker, that’s why he doesn’t have many friends, I noticed. “That’s settled, dear, he’s giving you time to finish school.” It sounds like an arrangement, not a marriage of love. I was ignorant about marriage and love, but this feels ice-cold. “Daddy, can’t we just be happy together and forget about this, please?” He doesn’t speak again, so I know the conversation is over, which makes me even more afraid of what will happen.

I start to clear the table and go into the kitchen to load the dishwasher. Still, in my thoughts, I don’t hear Daddy come into the kitchen. “Sorry, honey, but you will be happy, I promise.” My face goes white with the knowledge that I can’t talk him out of it. “Dad, I’m twenty years old, it’s too soon,” I try as hard as I can, knowing he won’t listen. And indeed, he just walks out of the kitchen, leaving me alone with this icy feeling that my life is about to change drastically.