Thoughts

I can’t even write anymore what is there to write about? I’m nothing anymore I’m nothing numb gone fading away my “friends” don’t see that they don’t see me I’m never their first choice always their last I’m sick and tired of all these feelings I have they’re not even feelings at this point just a void that eats everything inside do I even want to die? No I just want friends someone to talk to just one or two but I can’t even get that I don’t deserve it because if I did deserve it I would have it all I do is sleep because it’s all I have to do and I stopped texting people first because I thought if they wanted to text me they would that’s why no one texts me anymore I wish it was an exaggeration but it’s not I feel alone so alone I’ve have a temper recently too everything got me mad I don’t know why I also don’t know why this time I feel so alone maybe it’s because all the people who I was usually friends with when then happened all like her more all my friends like her more that’s why they talk bad about me to my face I wish I wish that I could have one real friend I told my mom this and she said I was lucky if I got one and almost everyone don’t have any actual friends they’re friends when they see each other but that’s it this isn’t the life that I want to live but no one would be friends with me it’s too late now I’ve either burnt bridges or built them but the ones I build are slowly crumbling too I just want someone anyone I don’t care who anymore this loneliness is trapped me making me want to go back but I know I can’t so I hold myself back I hope three months is enough to fix me make me a brand new person and if not then I hope I at least move to see new people that don’t know me I’m trying to not cut myself I’m trying to heal but all that does is make me ignore my emotions and I think the self harm was better because at least it made me feel good made me feel better it showed the emotions I can’t write down that’s why they made people cry but I’m done with that all I was is a friend not scars on my wrist all I want is to sleep because I’m tired of this all is to know that all of this will pass will I make it to graduation or just in a flash but even when I’m asleep I can’t fall into it’s arms my arms are open my thoughts are racing and I want to grab that knife one time I spilled water and my tears every small bad thing makes me want to explode and I do I asked my mom to talk one night and burst out in tears she ran up to me and asked what’s wrong but I was too busy crying that I couldn’t get a word out and when I spilled that water the tears that streamed down my face burned me like the pain I feel isn’t enough my body had to add physical pain to like I can’t even cry but I don’t want to but I do cry even in front of people but they never notice no matter how heavy I cry my eyes don’t turn red and I don’t make a sound just large tear drops that fall on the ground I though it was always weird how my tear drops fell to the ground while others didn’t while others streamed down their face like they’re trying to calm them down I wish I had a friend to talk about this pain to or I wish I had a friend who thought I was worth their time that I didn’t have to text first and say every line nevermind I’m tired of this loneliness but I guess I have 3 months to deal with it I can’t be lonely forever one day they’ll run out I just wish I knew how much where left until I can find myself