Chapter 1
-They will have a HEA-
I have this strange feeling in my heart.
Sadness mixed with happiness.
Happiness mixed with sadness.
Each emotion was so different from the other but, yet, they felt so similar, so equally powerful and overwhelming.
I knew everything about sadness because, very recently, I needed to bury my mom who lost the battle to cancer. She would have not agreed with the word “lost” because, in her mind, all things happened for a reason and, even if we didn’t understand these reasons just yet, they were there and we would understand them one day.
I wonder if I would understand... if there was really a reason for this kind of things to happen.Would I understand, Mom? Would things get better one day?
This loss made me think about all the things I was leaving behind me and the things I wished to accomplish but never did. One of them... God... one of them I have wished so much... so much, I couldn’t contain my smile. I felt happy and complete while thinking about my decision,even being so sad about the loss of my mom.
I’ve decided in a moment of pure craziness to make a trip to another state, driving miles and miles to an unknown city,even if I did know a lot about this beautiful place; to meet with a friend, in fact, my best friend, Gabriel.
He always said in his letters about this beautiful small town where he had lived these past years and now, I’ve decided, that I would go there to meet with him.He didn’t know about this, though...
We’ve been friends since the day he moved to the house next to mine when he was 10 years old and I was just 7. Our neighborhood was not the best; his father was not the best. I didn’t know a thing about his mom, she was not present,but our friendship was the most beautiful.
He lived in that house for 8 years but I knew, even without his saying, that it was a very miserable life for him. He kept warning me, that, in the first opportunity he could, he would leave, but he would keep in touch.
“I will always keep in touch with you, Luciana. Always, okay?” Gabe would say.
I was very aware that one day,one day... he would leave. I could not be sad because it was what he wanted but...How could I be happy?
When the time finally arrived, I did a lot of crying in Gabe’s arms. He involved me in a tight hug while saying, for my ears only. “We will keep in touch baby girl, no need to cry, understand?”
And that was it. Gabe left with a backpack and a bus ticket. To where? I didn’t know exactly. To do what? “To make something of myself, Luci.” He answered with steady eyes.
Will you come back?“No, I will not, honey.” He answered.Will I see you again? “Yes, of course you will. In the right time.” He affirmed, filling me with hope and butterflies in my stomach.
I just heard from him one year after his departure, when he sent me his first letter. I discovered he was working with motorcycles, repairing them, I guess?Had found a room to rent and was safe, the most important part for me. He was living very far away, 30 hours distance, and I knew he did this to put all the distance he could from his old life to his new one.
“But not from you, Luci. Never from you. You know you are important for me, don’t you?” He asked me one day.
The letters continued to come, sometimes every month, sometimes every week. And the better times were when he would call. It was so rare but so good! And I could feel my heart beating so fast just to hear his voice.He sounded so grown up.I loved his voice so much.
Time passed, I was growing too and, in the back of my mind, I would make these crazy plans with Gabe. He wrote me an address where to find him, in case I need it.
I would dream, and dream, and dream, about making a surprise, just showing up out of the blue in front of him. And in all my fantasies he would be so happy, astounded with my beauty, and would kiss me right in front of all his friends.
I made a list of things we could do together:
- Go to some fancy coffee shop.Take pictures with Gabe
- Go to a picnic
- Make a special dinner together
- Have ice cream together
- Hold hands
- Kiss...with tongue maybe?
These were my wishes. My secret dreams. The things I wanted the most.
When I closed my eyes I could see Gabe in front of me, giving me his perfect smile. Not too big because he was a badass,his words, not mine.Opening his arms to a hug, telling me everything would be fine and that he was so happy to see me! “Why didn’t you come sooner, babe?” He would ask in my dream, so happy to see me after so many years.
It was the most crazy dream, but I could dream if I wished. I could hope. And I hoped to see Gabe, to look into his eyes and to see the same love I knew I’d been carrying for so long inside myself.
The loss of my mom was deep inside my heart, so deep I could feel it like a physical presence. I had this pain but I also had this hope. The house where I lived with her belonged to an uncle, and even if he was willing to give me how much time I needed to leave, I didn’t want to remain there alone. I wanted to live, to be happy again, to feel love. I wanted all of this, with Gabe.
I cried all the way while driving thesehorrible30 hours, making a lot of plans, thinking of all the possibilities, all the reactions Gabe would or could have. In his letters, he always let me know he cared deeply for me, and that one day he would take me with him, and show me his world. He knew a little bit about my mom, but I didn’t tell him how worse it had become this past month. I didn’t want to burden him with my problems.
Now I was just 30 minutes away from his town. I was so, so close. I was so,so happy.
Gabe, do you feel the same way I do?I was sure he felt. All his letters made me warm inside. He was so attentive and affectionate. I was sure he would be happy and would ask me to be his girlfriend at last.
On the passenger seat of my car, I had an open letter from him, with his address and phone number and also a photograph of him. I asked him to send me one and I sent one in return. I was planning to check in on a hotel room first because I would not assume Gabe could let me stay in his place. Even knowing he is now the proud owner of a house and his own repair shop.
After finding a place to stay, I would go to his address.I didn’t know if I would actually go there, and knock on the door. My plan was crazy, I know. Maybe he was busy or something?
Maybe I should just turn around and go back home?...?
Or maybe I should just stay in his town, find a job, a home for myself and, if it so happens for me to find Gabe one day, I could always say: ”Gabe, what a surprise, what are you doing here!”It could work... I guess...
Well, I was not very confident about all this business but it was everything I had for the moment.
Go home, Luciana...My mind kept saying and I had a hard time battling that strange feeling of apprehension. No, I will stay!
I imagined that Gabriel would be surprised, perhaps a little shocked to suddenly see me. I was now an adult, having carefully dressed up at a gas station an hour ago. I had put on a pretty dress and makeup, along with earrings that my mother had given me as a gift and a pair of beautiful flats.
I even dared to choose an outfit that showed a little more cleavage, because I wanted to impress him and show him that I was grown up and no longer a child.
Gabriel had always been my dream and knowing that I would be with him in a few hours filled me with joy. Would he want some intimacy? I wouldn’t know what to say if he did. But he was so considerate and sweet... I was sure that he wouldn’t demand anything from me.
Finally, I entered his town, I couldn’t believe I was really here! I found a place to stay the night, it was only 7 pm. I was so tired I could sleep but I was also so excited, so happy, that I decided to do some digging and when I returned to the hotel reception, I asked the nice lady about him.
“Do you happen to know this guy, he is my friend, Gabriel,” I asked her with a smile.
She looked at me and at the picture. She looked at me again, at the picture again and I felt she was a bit uncertain. “Sweetness, do you really know him? Does he know you are here?” She inquired strangely.
“He doesn’t knot exactly, but we are very close friends, he would like to see me.”I hope... but of course, he would like to see me. I knew Gabriel loved me.
The lady was a bit surprised with my answer. “Do you really know him, darling? Are you another fan, aren’t you?” She insisted.
But what a really strange thing to ask. I didn’t know Gabriel was a celebrity. I looked around the hotel, unsure if she was mistaking him for someone else.
“He’s my friend. We’ve known each other forever and he’ll want to see me, for sure. Do you know where I can find him? It’s very important.” In the end, she gave me some directions to a bar where I could find him. But warned me it was better to call him first, if I really had his number,that’s it.
The lady seemed doubtful that I knew him. I wondered if I looked odd in my dress, for her reaction seemed to show that I didn’t know who I was looking for. I ran my hands over my dress, feeling suddenly awkward. I didn’t go out much at home and was always looking after my mother. My greatest joy was reading and re-reading Gabriel’s letters. Now I felt a little foolish coming here like this, unannounced... Surely there would be no harm?
“This bar is a little wild, sweetness.” She warned me before I left. I paused for a moment at the hotel door, looking at the receptionist. Her warning sounded alarming. I had never been to a bar before, but the people there were certainly behaving normally since Gabriel certainly wasn’t going to stay in a bad place.
I tried to remember things I had read or seen on TV about bars. People didn’t get naked in bars, surely? And surely it would be inappropriate for someone to fight?
Ok, I guess. I was not very sure about really going there. Gabe was in a bar... and it was wild. No problem! Bars can be cool, it was like acoffeeshop with beer if I am not mistaken? If Gabriel was there I could be there too.He would never go to a place with violent people.
Maybe I should come back tomorrow, you know? When I am well rested and have a better plan....? Yes Luciana, tomorrow! Make it tomorrow!I bit my lip while fighting with myself. My own conscience was battling me to think better before going to that place.
You know what? I am going now. It’s just a bar. No big deal.
I took a deep breath, thanked the lady at reception and started walking to my car, apprehensive and fearful due to so many doubts. I think I looked as afraid as I felt because people were giving me these strange looks also.
When I parked my car in front of the bar, I looked at the scene. There were several men, motorcycles, half-dressed women strolling in front. I swallowed hard thinking that the people there looked a little wild and... um... naked.
I got out of my car, making sure not to look at anyone. I started walking towards the front door, as if my life depended on it. Suddenly, one of the men shouted in my direction,
“Gorgeous, can I pay you a drink?” I ignored him.
He tried again: “Hey, beautiful!”
I swallowed and hurried to the front door entering the building. I clutched the photo and letter in my chest and no one tried to block my way. People were drinking, there were music, laughs, shouts, smoke, smells...It was not so bad, I guess. There were a few women dancing and I paused, staring at them with my mouth half open. Why would Gabriel want to come to a bar like that? I scrunched my nose, hugging my belongings tightly, feeling like people were starting to notice me.
But I tried not to look at anyone, in case something unmentionable was happening. I felt so many eyes on me, it seemed like I was standing in this place like a sore thumb...
I walked rigidly to the bar and took a seat in front of the scary man working with the drinks. He was maybe fifty and was very scary with tattoos on his arms. He paused what he was doing, gave me a look like he could not believe his eyes, and asked: “Doll, are you lost? This is no place for you. Who do you belong to?”
I was so shocked by his words that, for a moment, I couldn’t respond. But I mustered some courage and tried to make a scary face myself, and answered: “I am looking for Gabriel Mitchell, my friend.”
“Who?” He asked with a frown.
“Him.” I showed him the picture.
He looked at the picture a little shocked that I could have such a thing with me, then he closed his eyes and pinched his nose muttering something under his breath. Again, he looked at me but now he had a different expression. Skepticism.
