Chapter 1
EPISODE 1
Mary had a problem: her 19-year-old son, Michael, would not stop masturbating.
Mary had never had this problem with Michael's three sisters. They weren't jamming their hands down their pants every free minute they got. Mary, herself, had certainly never done such things. She was sure that her John had not, as well, when he was alive. How else had he gotten her with child in such quick succession? A family of four children in four years was the sign of a truly moral man.
Mary found out about Michael's habit in the usual way. She went into his bedroom to pick up the laundry and there he was, jamming on himself like a deranged animal. It was horrible, and she told him to stop immediately. Mary was angry at her son, of course, but most of all she was scared. She knew what Michael was doing was a terrible sin.
But Michael kept masturbating despite the impending doom it implied. He did his best to hide his activities. But once Mary knew the signs - the closed door, the loud music, the mysteriously sticky underwear and the vast consumption of tissues - she was always able to catch him.
Mary started off being kind. She patiently explained that it was natural for a boy Michael's age to have urges, but that God wanted him to remain pure. Then Mary threatened her son, telling him that every ejaculation would lead him one step closer to eternal damnation. She even tried punishments, ordering him off to bed without dinner as soon as she saw what he was up to. But everything she tried only seemed to make him do it more.
With nowhere left to turn, Mary went to talk to their family priest. She was embarrassed, of course. Admitting that she couldn't control her son, keep him on the moral path, made her feel like a failure. But Mary needed Father Donovan's wisdom more than her pride.
They met in his private office. Everything smelled slightly of old books and fresh potpourri. Sitting on the far side of Father Donovan's oversized wooden desk, Mary told him everything.
"I'm sorry Mary," Father Donovan said, "I know that losing your husband so young was hard for your family. Michael in particular. But masturbation is a sin. God is very clear about this. Man is only permitted to ejaculate inside a woman's vagina. Not in his underwear, a tissue, his own hand, or... Well, anywhere else he might think to put it."
"But he'll go to Hell," Mary said and sobbed.
"That's why he needs your help....
