The Replicas
In strangers, I catch glimpses of a familiar face.
I have seen, met or known them before,
rather, I might have been an echo of them.
If I were honest, I’d confess, I was them once.
Shedding skins doesn’t come naturally to me.
I clung on to the former rendition of me;
an old coat, past its prime,
yet a comfortable cocoon;
Trends and fashions be damned.
Much too late, I realized, I’d held on for far too long.
Naked, I hid when it was ripped away.
The fabric had fused with me; a part of me,
it also took a part of me with it.
I bled and scabbed, grew a fresh skin,
with seams of scars. I healed into someone else.
Yet on the street, I find others dressed in it.
Not a similar coat, but with the same frayed collar,
threadbare pocket, and a patched elbow.
Even the cracked button. I follow the wearers,
wondering if they stole who I was from me.
Or was I just one of many, produced en masse
with the same weaknesses; suffer the same damage?
But then I turn my back on my prior selves,
for I have a new attire, broken in to fit
the current, slightly unshapely version of me.
Maybe someday I will meet my clone too.
A doppelgänger, attired same as me.
We’ll recognize the other, nod, and walk away,
mindful that neither was, is, and will be unique.
For we all go through the same grind,
shattered, with parts missing,
the rest, mismatched pieces
somehow glued together.
The fabric of us, worn, torn, darned,
Aren't we all trapped in the same hell,
yet somehow tortured by different devils.
Posted: 6th October 2024
While the emotion is crystal clear, some parts of the logic made me stumble. I had to re-read to figure out the "rules" of your world. This isn't necessarily bad, it adds mystery, but I wanted a slightly firmer ground to stand on.
Issue: The "Replicas" themselves. Are they literal clones, or other people who have lived identical emotional experiences? The line "wondering if they stole who I was from me" suggests a literal theft, which feels different from the later idea of mass-produced beings with "the same weaknesses."
Suggestion and Why: You might decide this ambiguity is intentional, and that's valid. But to strengthen the world-building, consider a subtle clue. Maybe the narrator tries to speak to a "wearer" and gets a blank stare, confirming it's not a stolen identity but a shared pattern. Or, maybe one does recognize them, confirming a stranger connection. A small, concrete action can anchor the beautiful mystery without solving it completely.
Issue: Pacing and Flow in the middle. The jump from "I follow the wearers" to "But then I turn my back" felt a bit sudden to me as a reader. I was deep in the obsession of following, in the paranoia of theft... and then we abruptly move on. I wanted to sit in that unsettling, stalker-like moment a little longer to feel its full weight before the narrator pulls away.
Suggestion and Why: Could you add a beat or two there? Describe the following one specific replica down a block. What does their walk look like? Do they stop for coffee? This slows the pacing right where the emotion is most intense, making the decision to "turn my back" more powerful and earned.
Issue: Character Agency and Arc. The narrator feels wonderfully passive in the beginning. This is great for the initial pain. But the arc towards the end, accepting the new "unshapely" attire and the final nod to the clone, is fantastic. I just wanted the turn to be a tiny bit more active. It's there ("I turn my back"), but making it a choice rather than just a reaction would deepen their growth.
Suggestion and Why: What if the new attire isn't just "broken in," but was chosen, even if it's ill-fitting? A single word can shift it from something that happened to them, to something they are doing. For example: "I have stitched a new attire, still unshapely, for the current version of me." This adds immense character agency.
Clarity, Dialogue, and Tone
Clarity: Your language is mostly pristine. One tiny grammatical spot: "produced en mass" should be "en masse. " That's it. Seriously impressive.
Dialogue: There isn't any spoken dialogue, but the internal monologue is clear and compelling. The "voice" is consistent, weary yet observant.
Tone: You maintain a perfect, melancholic, and philosophical tone throughout. It never wavers. The immersion is total because of this.
"The Replicas" is a stunning piece. You have taken a huge, complex concept of identity, grief, and shared human experience and crafted it into something intimate and unforgettable.
The areas I have mentioned are not flaws but opportunities to make an already brilliant piece even more resonant. They're about fine-tuning the story.
Lauren, what a stunning first chapter! It’s no surprise so many people found it 'Profound.' Your metaphors about identity and 'shedding skins' are masterpiece-level. You have a very rare and hauntingly beautiful voice. I’m truly impressed! ✍️✨
holy cow, that was really good. I read your bio and that drove me to your writing. Bio is awesome. poetry is profound. really looking forward to reading more