Intimacy
Intimacy
One autumn night, Josh and Nikki are alone at the house in Lesage. There’s a thunderstorm raging around the area that leaves her stranded with the electric flickering. The couple are nestled on Josh’s bed with the stereo in the background.
“I hope this storm stops soon! I hate thunder,” Nikki expresses, clinging tighter to Josh each time the thunder roars.
The sound of the rain beating against the front window nearly drowns the music. Josh sits there with an arm around Nikki’s shoulders, “You’re with me. I won’t let anything happen to you. Besides, I like us being like this.”
“You just want to cop-a-feel,” Nikki teases, placing her hand over Josh’s chest.
“I mean, if you allow it, I won’t deny the chance,” Josh replies, with a slight chuckle in his voice.
Scoffing for a moment, Nikki playfully tries to push away, but Josh pulls her in a little more. She doesn’t try to fight against his strength and rests her head on his shoulder as she tries to work up the courage to ask him a question.
“I uh, I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” Nikki begins, trying to hide the rattle in her voice. “Like, I know we have to ourselves right now and like we could do anything we want. I want to, don’t get me wrong. You holding me like this is so totally amazing, but you know I’m not quite ready. Does that make you mad?”
Josh releases his grip a bit, “Who do you think I am, James?” Josh begins, feeling a little annoyed. “Of course, I’m not mad about waiting. I’ll wait until we get married if I need to. Look, what I love about this thing between us is this right here. Here we are, hiding in my bedroom, listening to music, riding out a storm. I have you so close to me, and I love holding you like this, and when we lay down and kiss. Would I turn it down if you were okay with more? No. Would I ever make you feel like you need to or pressure you into it? Absolutely not! Nikole, what we have is special. I want you to feel loved and know you are loved before we do anything physical.”
Nikki pushes herself to sit straight up, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I know you’d want to at some point, but I am nervous and scared. It’s a big step that scares the living Hell out of me. I want to. I do. It’s just I want to know you’re the guy I want like that. When I look at you and stare into your eyes, I see so much pain from everything you’ve already been through. I know you wouldn’t hurt me, but I don’t trust me.”
Confused, Josh tilts his head, “What? You don’t trust yourself?”
“Yeah, I don’t trust myself at times being alone with you. You struggle at times to express how you feel, and I get why it is hard. My body, at times, has this urge to grab you and kiss you until we push each other to the breaking point. I’ve had dreams where you scoop me up, and we glide into the clouds where we make love as the sun rises, and oh my gosh, when I wake up and feel that you’re not there, I feel bad because you make me feel like no one ever has before in my life. From the moment I saw you get out of Justin’s car I knew I had to have you all to myself. I have you now, but what scares me is what it will take to keep you.”
Sitting there, Josh takes every word to heart as something inside him leaves him feeling two inches tall.
“The last thing I’d ever want to do is make you feel pressured to do anything. I’m the one who’s sorry for you ever feeling like that. I’m not my friends or my family. Being shoved into a box you don’t fit into is the worst thing in the world. Nikki, I really truly like you, for you. Since we’ve been together, I’m more relaxed and calm, and that’s all thanks to you. Between us, hearing that breaks my heart,” Josh says as tears form in his eyes for the first time since his mother kicked him out a few days ago.
“Oh, Babycakes, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Josh, you are so amazing, and you don’t see it, but I do. When you hold me, I feel safe. When we kiss, I see fireworks around us. Even being intimate like this means the world to me. Like I said, I just don’t want to be wrong, and that’s what scares me. I waited for you because I knew from the moment we started talking that night in K.C. that something was different. I felt like a part of me was missing the entire time I had to sit and wait while you was with another girl. You’re not like anyone I’ve met, so when we are together, I cherish every minute. I hate being so far away from you that it kills me. I want to give you all of me, but I need to be sure that when I make that decision, it won’t come back to haunt me, and from what I’ve seen and felt this evening, I know when it happens, it’ll be worth it.”
“Come here, I want to hold you. Nothing else, but just hold you to show you that you mean more than you think to me,” Josh says.
Scooting back to him, Nikki sees something happening in his eyes that leaves her stuttering her breath.
“Your eyes! They’re blue again!” Nikki shares with her mouth barely dipped open, “It is me that causes that to happen. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe it!” Nikki shares, scooting back to Josh’s shoulder as tears of happiness fill his eyes.
Once Nikki settles back into place with her arms wrapped around his body, Josh dips his head, mouthing, “I love you.”
As they sit there on the bed, feeling their hearts expand for the other, Josh and Nikki say nothing for a while, and the storm continues to throw its fury all around them.
While music travels over the couple, Nikki lies there, listening to Josh’s heartbeat. Closing her eyes, Nikki feels a warmth flow through her body that she’s never felt in her life. As the tenderness grows, she keeps her eyes shut when an aura starts to appear in her mind. The soft gleam of citrine and sapphire pulses around her and Josh. Realizing it’s their birthstone colors, Nikki doesn’t say anything as she says in her mind, “I’m in love with you, Joshua Bradshaw.”
“Whatcha thinkin’ about?” Josh asks, feeling Nikki begin to squirm.
Instantly brought out of the trance, Nikki opens her eyes and lifts her head, staring into Josh’s eyes, “About how nice this is and how I could lie like this with you. What are you thinking about?”
“You. How great this feels and why I didn’t get with you sooner. I have few regrets in my life, and waiting to be with you is one of them.”
Reaching with the hand on Josh’s chest to his cheek, Nikki slowly lifts herself, “Don’t regret that, Josh. I mean, yeah, it might have been different, but we spent time getting to really know each other. You see yourself as this damaged guy, but deep down, you have a heart of gold. I think that’s what made you stand out that night. I could feel something reaching out to me before I saw you. Babydoll, you are worth waiting for, and I will always believe that.”
With more of the bitterness encapsulating his hardened heart, Josh struggles to maintain a straight face. The way Nikkie is always complimenting him or how she looks at him in a way no one ever has leaves Josh speechless.
Barely a minute goes by, but the silence makes it feel like an hour.
“Say something…” Nikki begins, “I hate silence, and the look in your eyes makes me feel like I said something wrong.”
“You did no such thing! What you’ve done for me has been amazing so far. I can’t tell you how good you make me feel. Nikki, you are so much more than you think you are at everything. I can’t understand why or how God put you in my life. I’ve done so much that I don’t deserve to be or feel happy. Yet here you are. I never want to let you go when I have you around me or let you go when we’re on the phone or online.”
Nikki’s heart skips a beat. The tenderness in Josh’s words both melted but hurt her heart.
“Stop!”
Josh lies there, turning his eyes to the plain white wall. Nikki sits up more. She pins Josh’s arms to the bed as she shifts her body over his.
“Those thoughts end today! I don’t know why your mother doesn’t love you, but you have so many people that do. Ms. Cline loves you like a son. James looks up to you like a slightly older and definitely better-looking older brother and Justin trusts you unconditionally. I know you! I have you! I won’t go anywhere, either. You’re in a good place!”
After a few attempts to counter what Nikki said, Josh shuts his eyes. Nikki uses the moment to lower herself for a kiss as she puts more weight on Josh’s arms to hold him in place.
The desire for more grows within Josh. He knows there’s no safe way to act on it, as doing so may cause the first wrinkle between him and Nikki. Instead of giving in to the urge, Josh relaxes as the kiss continues until thunder shakes the house.
Startled, Nikki draws her hands to her chest as she freefalls into Josh’s arms.
“I hate storms!” She screams.
“Easy, love, once it ends, I’ll take you home. Until then, let’s enjoy what we have right now.”
The couple lie cuddled up for nearly another hour as the storm passes. Once the rain stops, the last moonlight shines through the window. Not ready to go home, Nikki knows if they stall too long, they’ll either get caught with assumptions from James or Justin, or worse, she will get grounded if she’s not home at a decent hour.
“It’s time to go,” Nikki whispers, then kisses Josh one more time.
Getting to his feet, Josh slips into his shoes. Nikki walks down to the living room. Quickly getting her shoes on and tied, she sees Josh standing at the front door with keys in his hand. The partially cloudy sky breaks enough to see the stars.
“I don’t want tonight to end, but I know we’ll have others to do this again,” Josh mentions, holding the door.
“Until next time, good sir,” Nikki replies, making her way down the concrete steps.
Once the car fires up, Josh twists the switch, popping up the headlights, and shifts to reverse. The drive to Teays Valley is slow, with threats of hydroplaning happening a few times. By the time they pull up, nothing is said as the couple exchange one final kiss. Josh sits there watching to make sure Nikki gets inside safely.
“I love you,” Nikki says without looking back.
Josh takes in one heavy breath before he pulls away, “I love you, Nikki.”
