In the distance I EXIST

The sound was coming from far way, a low drawn out whining; as she listened, it grew in volume until it became an ear piercing shattering scream. She put her hands over her ears to block out the sound, it was then she realised the penetrating shrieking was coming from deep inside her soul.

Ella was born in an unmarried mother’s home back in beginning of the fifties.

Her mother had been sent there to solve the little problem away from the prying eyes of friends and neighbours and when she returned, life would go on, marriage, more children (acceptable ones) and all of this would be a distant memory.

Ella’s crib was surrounded by large dingy windows which had long ceased to open, what little paint was left on the walls of her room had gone from cream to dirty grey many years ago. A large ornately carved fireplace along one wall served only to let in the wind and cause the room to be an unearthly cold.

In the room with Ella there were seven other cots, each one housing a small soul waiting to be whisked away by parents not yet found, today though, there was an air of expectancy and the nuns who usually kept away from the nurseries, were busy straightening up bedding and wiping the odd food stain from the children, even caressing with a murmured hush, now “It might be you,” as they swept past checking everything was ready.

The curtains were drawn to hide the grey windows and low lights flickered giving a glow that brightened up the room and made it seem welcoming. The mothers had been sequestered in another, room told to be silent and stay out of sight, some were excited at last their unwanted burdens may be gone, others cried quietly hoping for a reprieve.

The prospective parent arrived, with them was a small boy around four years old; he stood holding on to his mother’s skirt whilst trying to lean around her legs to look at all the cots lined up in the nursery.

The couple stood stiffly upright in their Sunday best, newly ironed, and carefully placed when they got into the car, so as not to crease it on their journey. Their eyes widened as they gazed into the nursery they hadn’t expected so many babies, their faces registered surprise they looked at each other and were about to ask what to do when a cry came from the far end of the room, it was the little boy “This one mum, this one is ours.” The boy had let down the side of a cot and was struggling to pick up the tiny bundle that lay there, his face was flushed with excitement, his mother hurried over to the crib, took the pink wrapped baby into her arms, then she leaned down pushing the blanket away from the sleeping child’s face, smiling she asked, “Are you sure”? The boy gingerly touched the little girls face “Yes” he whispered.

The woman turned and held the child up for her husband to see him nodding, he smiled and all three looked towards the nun who had been silently watching them, she turned and motioned for them to follow her, which they did, soon one of the nuns arrived complete with the tiny pink bundle the Mother fearing someone would snatch her away if she let go for even a second.

The paper work was completed and the new family ceremoniously made their way to the car, no one spoke, it was as if words would break the spell, they all felt cast upon them in those moments, so they remained silent until Ella awoke with a loud cry just as they arrived at her new home.

The family quickly settled into new routines, which now revolved around Ella. Ella’s new Mother was small in stature a neat figure who kept herself properly groomed. Mothers face was taught, the skin pulled tight in a disapproving frown, so much that when she smiled her whole face altered and illuminated, the only sign of disapproval remaining was the permanent crease in between her eyebrows. She was topped with dark wiry hair, which didn’t grow downwards but out in a mass of fuzz, which she kept short, even so, it was a battle for the local hairdresser to keep in shape. Later Ella was to find out that her Mothers hair had grown that way ever since her waist length hair was brutally cut by the family she was evacuated to during world war two.

Ella’s Mother bustled, ever moving from one task to another, any free time filled with committees, and the women’s institute. Ella’s Mother had a vision; she knew just how her family should be seen, they were encouraged to behave accordingly, Ella struggled. Mother didn’t talk.

Ella’s new Father was a tall heavily built man; hair already receding and deep lines etched in his face. He had taken over the family business from his Father, with it came the responsibility of the employees and their families, which he took very seriously, added to this, were many a deep and repressed collection of past memories from his time in the war.

Much happier in his gardening clothes than a suit, he went to work every day at his company which his father had started before him and he had worked in since he was fourteen, with the only break being when he joined the Royal Air Force to fight Hitler at eighteen, the rest of his life, he spent wringing his hands in front of the television on remembrance day, as he relived the death of his only sibling, his brother. When father wasn’t working at his job, he dug in his allotment, or walked over the moors, twice a month he attend Rotarian lunches at which he ate far too much according to Ella’s mother. Father didn’t talk.

Ella’s new brother was an intense boy, good looking with dark black hair, brown eyes and ruddy skin, he was tall and thin, to the point of being spindly, all legs and arms, nothing coordinated, consequently visits to the accident and emergency were frequent adding to his trophies of plaster casts, at regular intervals.

He was happiest when he was building with his huge metal Meccano set bought for him on his fifth birthday, his collection of nuts and bolts progressing gradually over the years. As Harry grew older, disappearing into the shed at the bottom of the garden was his heaven, he was always making something or dismantling a clock or engine to see how it worked, growing crystals for crystal radios, Harry loved to investigate. Harry didn’t talk.

The family lived in a large house just on the edge of the city. The houses were not uniform, each had been built differently back in the early 1900’s when space was available and houses could be designed to sprawl outwards and be surrounded by gardens. The kitchen was two rooms which had been knocked into one large enough to accommodate a dining area, painted a bright sunny yellow with wide picture windows, it was warmed in the cold winters with a coal burning fire which Ella loved to put her cold feet on after playing in the snow.

There was a ‘proper’ dining room off the hallway it was cold and musty, as it was not used very often, and even then seemed cold as the only heating was a two bar electric fire on the wall. The lounge had windows running all the way along the front so light flooded into the room, the sofa was a deep dark green with feather cushions so you sank deep down into it, in the corner was a rocking chair which Ella like to sit on the arm, then imagine she was riding to some far off land on an proud Arab stallion. An open fire place surrounded by a sand stone mantel piece completed the room, the fire was only lit at special times, usually there was a small electric fire in front of it which Harry and Ella would fight over to see who would be first to lie in front of the fire and toast their toes.

At Christmas, the fire would be lit and Ella with Harry would sit down and write a letter to Santa, joyfully throwing it into the chimney they would run outside to see the burning embers floating out of the chimney and clapping their hands, both were happy in the knowledge that Santa would get their wish lists.

The road was wide with each house set back from a grass-covered verge, with a lamppost lighting each drive way.

Everyone who lived on Green Park Road new each other and most owned a business or were company directors of one, the men went to Rotary club, sat on boards, collected for various charities. No one talked.

The women walked the children to school, collected for charity, were members of the WI (Women’s Institute) cooked, cleaned the house on days when the cleaner didn’t come, took turns to hosting coffee mornings and made sure the family attended church in time to get a good seat. They didn’t talk.

The children who lived on the road went to the same school, clubs, and social events; it was a tight knit community.

Green Park Road was at the very edge of the city the last road before open pastures, the road tailed off into the backdrop of countryside, moors and farmland. The children who lived on Green Park Road played on the nearest fields behind the row of houses, they called it the roughs. The roughs were a large open space, dotted with gorse bushes, long grass in summer, and a few well-placed trees, it stretched out into a small but reasonable sized hill beyond which were fields of sheep and cows.

In the roughs the children were free from the constrains of adults, in the summer they built dens in the bushes, fought battles, lit fires and roasted sausages holding them on broken sticks until they turned black and were voted cooked enough to eat. In winter, the roughs became a snowy covered sledging mound scattered with hand rolled snowmen and half-built igloos.

The children were mixed in ages ranging from six to twelve, so the older ones would help build the forts in the roughs and light fires, sometimes deliberately letting a whole mass of bushes go up in flames so that when the fire men came, as, they always did, called in by one of the occupants of the houses overlooking the roughs, the smaller children were blamed, the older ones hearing the sirens would run away laughing much louder than the occasion required, leaving little ones standing wringing their shirts and skirts on dirty hands, crying. No one talked.

Ella didn’t talk, it wasn’t because she couldn’t, of course she could, her parents knew this, because they had taken her to a speech therapist who recommended placing a tape recorder in her bedroom, and of course, Ella was taped chatting happily with her array of dolls and especially her little dark brown cloth teddy bear which went everywhere with her. Ella didn’t talk because she had decided not to.

Ella new she was different, at first she thought it was because she had been adopted, she was told this made her special but she wasn’t sure why that would make her unusual. At three Ella did not have the breadth of words, intelligence or pronunciation to express all she saw, felt and heard, so she would wait until the nights and alone in her room she would journey to Arabia, India, China, Persia and travel to places far away with her companion Tom, a large round balding man who disliked the heat in India, which made him run with sweat which he periodically wiped of his face and arms with a time worn hanky, the colour faded by many years of use. The food in China gave him heart burn, so he burped repeatedly, and yet Tom always carried her when she was tired, found guards as they crossed mountains in China, and all the time showed Ella wonders never written in the story books her Mother read to her at night, nor mentioned in the television programs she watched with Harry after school. Ella talked with all the people she met, their age or language was irrelevant, she heard their stories and began to tell her own; this was her world.

Ella didn’t waste time talking to those who didn’t understand.

Ella’s eyes were a deep blue, sometime piercing, as she would screw them up her face taking on an intense frown as she assessed a situation. Her small figure, its round belly and long light brown hair would rush from game to game, house to house, always questioning, what’s this? Why is that? Did this mean….? The parents would throw up their hands in despair, Ella never did as they asked, and never came home for tea on time: Ella was a problem.

Bedtime was the time Ella looked forward to then she could be alone in her beautiful pink bedroom. Ella’s bedroom had a large window at one end the window looked out onto the road and underneath the window was her lovely soft squishy bed, Ella loved her bed, she loved the feel of it enclosing her when she got into it pulling the big feather fill eiderdown up to her chin; in here Ella was safe, free to adventure in her worlds. Against one wall was a dressing table with a large mirror on top of the dressing table and there was a wooden box, which her Father had brought back from Jerusalem where he had been stationed during world war two. Ella loved the texture and colour of the box, the clunk of the lock when she turned the small key, how the lid opened on its delicately handmade hinges. In the box was Ella’s treasure, small stones she had picked up on trips to the beach, the odd pearl from mother’s broken necklace, and a silver dollar given as a present from a distant Uncle visiting from the United States of America. A blue and red rosette won in a riding competition, but the most important item was a picture of a woman: it was black and white faded and torn through age, Ella had no idea who it was, she had discovered it one day, when she had been searching for a game to play, in the large chest of draws in mothers dining room. As soon as she saw it, she felt oddly drawn to the women who stared at her with a glare in her eyes, yet Ella new behind the stiff upright figure in the photo, was a loving laughing soul who called to her. Ella spent hours looking at the photo; she always felt a warm glow in her body and heard music as a woman’s voice softly talked to her: this was Ella’s secret.

Along the other wall was an old blanket box that had a cover, which was pink with matching cushions. All Ella’s dolls, teddies and various stuffed animals were piled up in a comfortable mess. On the floor was a china tea set, sometimes Ella made tea for all her toys and sat with them telling stories of where she had been, and, who she had met and talked to; the toys listened in awe.

Ella’s favourite doll was called Susan, she was tall with long jet-black hair and would say mama, hello, my name is Susan when she was picked up. On rainy days, Ella would sit on the window ledge in her bedroom and talk to Susan about the rain, on sunshiny days she would take Susan to “the roughs” and they would play house together, away from the other children in one of the dens.

When Ella was very small, she would climb into bed, after the light had been switched off, Tom would appear, and a journey would begin. Ella felt exhilarated as she rode through the Arabian Desert; her camel leading the way, followed by the long string of Arabian horses, Ella was delivering to the Bedouin family she was working for. Ella looked forward to arriving at their camp; she knew the women would have a bowl of delicious yoghurt made from goat’s milk; ready for her, her mouth watered as she remembered the taste of the fresh dates that would follow.

One journey when Ella was being chased by bandits in Peru she wasn’t afraid, she felt her whole body filled with a courage and persistence; she clung tighter to the crystal she was delivering to her Father Manco Capac the King of Peru, who was waiting for her in the city of Cuzco

The only thing that Ella didn’t understand, and what’s more had no explanation for, was that in these adventures, she was often older and looked very different, and sometimes she felt as if she were a boy! But all this she kept to herself, as when she ventured to ask Tom he was vague and non-committal, just told her not to worry, everything would become clear in the future, for now Ella must learn skills, feelings and ideas from the journeys, as these would be needed in the future; her future. Ella said nothing.

Ella grew older and it was time for her to start school, she could already read and write a little, she was excited at the prospect of learning. Harry of course had been at school for some time now. Every day he came home at four o’clock and disappeared into his room with a pile of books, he told Ella he was doing homework. Ella wasn’t sure what this meant, she had tried to find out by quietly pushing open Harry’s’ door and peering into his room only to be met by a shout of “Get out, I’m busy.” If she stood there for too long a book or shoe would come flying in her direction encouraging her to leave rather quickly. Ella had played school with her dolls using her small black board perched on its easel, with tiny pieces of chalk sitting on the ledge sticking out from the structure, it wasn’t very satisfying as she had no idea how to be the teacher, so soon got bored and moved on to tea parties which was a more enjoyable game.

Ella liked to learn, especially on her night-time journeys, though, over the last eighteen months the journeys with Tom had become less frequent until six months ago they stopped. At first, Ella had missed their adventures but as time passed by, strangely, she could all but remember the details now; it was as though a partition had been built in her mind and the journeys were behind it making them unreachable. Even the woman in the picture wasn’t as fascinating, it was months since Ella had taken her out and looked at her, there were other things in Ella’s life now and one of those was school!

School was a bitter disappointment. Ella’s mother woke her early on the morning of the first day of school, after a breakfast of cornflakes topped with a dollop of strawberry yoghurt and creamy milk, Ella’s mother had brushed her hair, then parting the hair neatly into two bunches she tied bright red ribbons with small white spots around the hair tying them into two large bows. Ella jiggled her head in glee, and skipped all the way upstairs, where she put on her brand new school uniform for the first time. A month earlier Ella had gone with mother to buy said uniform, she had patiently stood still whilst being fitted for the dark blue blazer with the gold school emblem on the pocket, she had not even wriggled too much when mother had held the several light blue shift dresses against her, lips pursed in a straight line, The blouse, was a standard white shirt with a turn over collar and buttons down the front. Ella stood in front of the long mirror in her parents’ bedroom as she adjusted her long white sock’s pulling them up closer to her knees, then looking down at her feet, she checked her new brogues were still shiny, twirled around twice, stretching her head backwards as she tried to see back and front, and then with a huge smile, Ella went downstairs. The journey to school was uneventful, today, they were driving in mothers car, a treat because in the future they would walk, the school was only three streets away, but today Ella rode in style feeling very grown up and a little nervous; she bit her bottom lip, a habit she had when she was apprehensive.

Mother parked expertly at the front gates and Ella jumped out, grabbing the new leather satchel, which contained freshly sharpened pencils, a sparkling white eraser, and wooden ruler all in a special zip up pencil case bought recently, solely for school. Holding onto mothers hand Ella skipped two steps forward then stopped and began to walk slowly up the driveway. In the distance she could see a large brick building, it was huge, bigger even than the church she attended each Sunday morning. They went into the school through large glass doors, Ella, immediately heard the sound of children shouting and laughing, it was deafening... Ella stopped and put her hands over her ears, looking around, eyes wide with fear.

A tall thin woman approached, hair drawn tightly up into a bun on the top of her head, making her face look tight, with a permanent stern look. She was dressed in a light blue blouse with a high collar edged with lace, her skirt was long ending just below her knees, the shoes she wore were flat black and had been polished and shone so much, a slither of sunlight was reflected from the toes. She beckoned to Ella’s mother and taking Ella’s hand, she guided her and her mother as they followed the teacher down a long plain corridor, windowless, and painted with a drab murky green colour. At intervals, there were large notice boards with papers stuck to them, Ella couldn’t read them, the print was too small and far away, so she trotted along beside her mother, suddenly the teacher paused the turned sharply into an open doorway, Ella and mother followed. The room they entered was a large square filled with rows of desks and chairs, three of the walls were covered in pictures the other had windows letting light flood into the room. Ella ran to the window and looked out, she could see a field with some goal posts a net flapping in the wind, a tree grew close to the window, it’s leaves a dark luscious green, mother coughed. It was a signal for Ella to return to her side. Ella stood patiently and watched as more mothers holding the hands of their offspring filed through the doorway, most of them had only one child with them, but one mother had two. These two children looked exactly alike, two little girls dressed in identical clothing with identical hair ribbons in their ponytails, down to their identical bows and their identical shoes. Ella smiled at them, as much because she had never seen anything like them before and because she felt a strange connection and liked them immediately.

The woman started to talk “Welcome to Saint Thomas School,” she said.

Twenty freshly scrubbed faces turned towards her and waited, “My name is Mrs Bennett, and I will be your teacher for year one” she said. Picking up a large book she opened it at the first page “I will call out your names, as I do I want you to find a desk starting at the back left side of the room, moving along to the back row and then forward until you all have a place, understood?” Twenty small head nodded in unison even though some of them had not understood at all! Mrs Bennett started at the names beginning with A “Ann Lowery, Anna Becks, Adrian Peters” Ella tuned out, in her mind she wandered into a meadow, she could feel the grass on her bare legs, a butterfly was flying in front of her, and she began to run after it, wondering where it would take her “Ella!” The voice startled her out of her reverie, she looked up to see every eye in the room was on her “Go and sit at your desk please Ella” Mrs Bennett said, a cross sounding tone creeping into her voice. Ella sped to her desk and sat down, back straight, eyes front, the teacher moved on and Ella relaxed a little but did not return to the meadow, not then.

When the children were all seated the mothers, who seemed to have collectively moved to the doorway, as if with one mind, waved to their respective offspring, Mrs Bennett said a curt goodbye, they left. There was a short silence as Mrs Bennett closed the door. The air in the room crackled with anticipation as the children waited to see what would happen next.

Mrs Bennett turned to a large blackboard running across the whole wall behind her, then picked up a sizeable piece of chalk, and began to write, Monday the 3rd of September 1956. She turned around and asked “How many of you can read what I have written?” A dozen hands shot up into the air “Me Miss, me Miss” some of them shouted excitedly, Ella was not among them. “Quiet now.” “When I ask a question you will raise your hands then I will point to one of you to answer, that is when you can speak.” She said sternly, some of the hands wavered now, and then dropped the excitement leaving their faces. “You” Mrs Bennett’s hand shot out and she pointed to a small blond haired boy “What’s your name?” “Charles Miss,” he said, “So Charles, can you read what I have written?” “Yes Miss.” He repeated slowly what was written on the board, his face bright red with embarrassment, his voice cracking in fear of being wrong. “Very good Charles.” Miss said and turned back to the board, some of the children looked quizzically at each other; their faces registering that life had changed for them.

Mrs Bennett wrote a list in large capital letters it said,

9am REGISTRATION – MONDAYS DINNER MONEY!

9.15am ABC

10am BREAK TIME - MILK

10.30am NUMBERS

11.15am WHAT IS THIS CALLED?

12am LUNCH

1pm TIME

1.45pm ART

2pm BREAK TIME

2.30pm STORY/DRAMA/MUSIC

3.30pm HOME TIME

Picking up a long stick Mrs Bennett pointed to the first item on the list “When the bell goes at nine o’clock you will make your way to the classroom and stand by your desks, when I enter the room I will say good morning children, you will reply good morning Mrs Bennett.” she paused and looked around the room “I will then call your names from the registrar book you will answer “Yes Miss,” so I know you are present, on Mondays as I call your name you will approach my desk if you are having school dinners, and pay the money for the coming week; please do not forget to bring it with you every Monday!” The children nodded their heads; it was a lot to remember!

“After registration you may sit and we will begin our day learning the alphabet, the alphabet is the basis for reading and understanding the written word.” Pausing she glared at the children, watching their faces for signs of boredom seeing none she carried on “At ten o’clock a bell will sound throughout the school, this signals break time, you will file out of the classroom in an orderly manner, by this I mean no pushing to be the first out of the door, in the playground the dinner ladies will give you each a bottle of milk to drink, take the empty bottle back to the dinner ladies.” Ella thought to herself if she had been able to write enough words, she would have taken notes. She sighed; her gaze wandered over to the window, a sharp rap on the board brought her quickly back to Mrs Bennett.

“At half past ten we will start to count, numbers are important, if you cannot count how do you know how many sweets the shop keeper is giving you in a bag?” Every child in the room resolved in that moment to learn to count, moving to the next item on her list Mrs Bennett allowed herself a tiny smile. “At eleven o’clock sharp we will begin to learn what things are called,” pausing she pointed to a petite girl with a mass of curly hair which no amount of brushing or tying up would control “You, what’s your name?” “Felicity Miss,” she answered in a small voice.” “Well Felicity do you know what this is called?” and she pointed with her stick to the question mark at the end of the sentence. “No miss,” Felicity shook her head allowing a mass of curls to foam outwards covering her face. She peeked through the hair at Mrs Bennett who had a satisfied look on her face “It’s a question mark, put there to signify you are asking a question.” She paused sweeping her eyes around the classroom, the children shifted uncomfortably “At midday, that is twelve o’clock, the school bell will ring again, this will mean it is lunch time, those of you who have brought packed lunches may eat them in the dining hall, not outside in the playground.” An eagle eye swept over the class as she verified they had understood the information. “Those who are having school meals will proceed to the dining hall and join the queue for their meal.” Turning she pointed to the board “At one o’clock the bell will ring to end the lunch time break, you will return to the classroom and sit silently at your desks, we will then begin to learn how to read the time.”

Mrs Bennett waved her arm in the direction of a door in a recess at the back of the room “I will appoint pencil, paint and book monitors during the next week, those chosen will be responsible for getting out and putting away art material: art class will commence at a quarter to two each day.” Good thought Ella, and continued to mould the old piece of bubble gum she had found and peeled off, as it had been stuck under the desk, into an animal shape.

“Two o’clock a bell will be rung for afternoon break, when you return at half past two we will have story time, with the odd days for drama and music, at half past three the bell will sound for home time.” She paused, instinctively no one moved. Satisfied Mrs Bennett continued. “Again, you will not run, shout, or push, but make your way to the cloakroom then go outside into the playground to wait for your mother to collect you.” “Is that understood?” “Yes Miss the children chorused.”” Giving a satisfied nod, she sat down on her large leather chair behind the desk, which was on a slightly raised platform enabling her a full survey of the class without standing up, she leant back in the chair. “Any questions?” Not one hand went up; most could not remember what had been said five minutes ago, it was all too much. Ella yawned then quickly looked up to see if Miss had noticed, then she very slowly let out the breath she had been holding when she realized Miss was getting ready for the next step of the day and had not seen her, Ella was tired. It was strange thought Ella, Miss keeps talking about bells yet there hasn’t been one all day and I’m hungry! At that moment a bell sounded, it was like a very big alarm clock, brrrrr the children jumped and Mrs Bennett looked at her wristwatch. “Well she exclaimed, it is lunch time already.” She looked at the children already half out of their desks “Today I will escort you to the dining hall, quietly walk in two’s behind me.” And she sailed out of the door and down the corridor towards the dining hall without looking to see if her charges were following. After a moment’s hesitation Charles shot out into the corridor followed closely by Miriam, the rest scampered and soon there was a snake like line behind Mrs Bennett as they went into the dining room. Ella loved school dinners!

Ella stood in the dinner line, her nostrils twitched, she couldn’t see what was for lunch yet, there were several taller children in front and they were blocking the view, but she could smell it, her mouth watered in anticipation. Finally she reached the counter, seeing the children in front, picking up a tray she also took one, on the counter there were large silver coloured dishes, each one filled with different food: mashed potatoes, peas, carrots and cabbage, then sausages, minced meat and onions, all still bubbling in their trays, and lastly, a jug filled with rich dark brown gravy, Ella stopped and stared in amazement, it wasn’t that she hadn’t seen lots of food before, it was just not what she had expected, and, she was allowed to choose, a big smile spread slowly over her face, she beamed. A voice was speaking to her “Come on lovely” one of the dinner ladies was leaning over the counter with a large spoon in her hand “What will you have?” Ella pointed to the mashed potatoes “A little of those please, some carrots and peas with two sausages, thank you miss.” The dinner lady filled her plate and putting carefully onto Ella’s tray said “Eat it all up, there is chocolate sponge and custard to follow.” Ella wanted to run to the table but made herself walk very slowly, holding her tray tightly in case she dropped it, she found a space at one of the long bench tables and slid her tray onto it and sat down. It wasn’t until she sat down she realized she had nothing to eat with, looking around she saw a separate table with water, cups and cutlery set out in neat trays, quickly she went and fetch herself some making sure to get a spoon, in readiness for the chocolate pudding, she sat down at the table and started to eat. It was delicious! So intent on eating she hadn’t noticed who was seated at the table with her, she glanced around and saw she was opposite the twins from her class, seeing her looking, one of them flashed a big smile and said “Hi my name is Helen and this is Betty.” Ella hesitated a moment “Ella,” she introduced herself. The girls eyed each other, instinctively deciding if they were going to be friends, Betty fumbled in her pocket and brought out a torn bag “Want a sweet” she asked holding out the bag, Ella quickly looked over her shoulder, sweets were not allowed in school, then snatched the bag out of Betty’s hand, she chose a sticky red sweet and popped it into her mouth “Thanks” their first secret. By the time lunch was over, chocolate pudding eaten, dishes stacked on the dirty dish table, a game of tag in the playground, the three girls were inseparable.

The afternoon passed pleasantly enough, Ella had already learnt how to tell the time, sometimes she got mixed up with ´to the hour, and past` but generally she was confident if asked, so during the lesson she drifted off into her special world, Tom visited and told her he was pleased she had met the twins, Ella smiled when he said this because she was happy too, Tom and Ella talked for a while, Tom told her about the owl that lived in the tree outside the classroom and listened to the lessons to make sure he had not missed any knowledge he should have. Ella told Tom she had missed him and was pleased to see him again. During art class Ella got the urge to paint a large eagle flying high above the clouds on its back she painted a small figure clinging to its neck Mrs Bennett came over to look and asked Ella who that was on the eagles back “Why me of course, I do that often” Mrs Bennett didn’t comment as she walked away she had already marked Ella as strange.

The girls spent break time together, they had found some snails and asked them to race, all three girls accepting it was natural to converse with snails, the snails, not wanting to disappoint the girls went as fast as they could but still hadn’t reached the finish line when the bell went for the end of break time. The children sat on the floor in a semicircle around Mrs Bennett, she had moved her large leather chair to the front of the class and was holding a very big book, the front had a picture of a carriage made out of a pumpkin, four horses and a beautiful blond haired girl, the story was to be about Cinderella. Mrs Bennett read from the book in a flat monotone voice, the children, most of whom were tired now, tried hard not to let their eyes close, some fell asleep and as their heads lolled forward, they jerked themselves awake, wildly looking round to see if Miss had noticed, luckily she was hidden behind the very big book so did not see them. Finally, the bell went for home time, the children put away their chairs and gathered any belongings they had to take home, then made their way to the cloakroom to collect their coats. Ella stood in the playground waiting for her mother; the twins had left almost immediately as their mother had been waiting in the schoolyard when they came out. At first she stood still watching the drive way, as time went by she hopped from one foot to another then started to hop on one leg, bending the other leg up and holding it in one hand. The other kids had all gone home now so Ella stood all alone, waiting. After a while she sat down on the stony floor and picked up a stone, she held it in her hand and waited for it to speak to her, a picture appeared in her mind, she was alone in the hall of her home, she had been there all day playing with her dolls, no one had talked to her, mother had passed by several times taking ironing upstairs, father had walked past and gone into the living room to watch the news, when he came home for lunch and Harry had tipped over her dolls house when he ran upstairs with his friend Robert. As she sat there, eyes tightly closed, several more similar events passed through her mind in pictures, she nearly started to cry but bit hard on her lip so she didn’t. At that moment mother came striding up the drive, flustered, she took Ella’s hand and without a word started towards the car. Ella was running to keep up, when they were settled in the car mother asked how it had been at school, Ella joyfully regaled the events of the day complete with a detailed description of lunch! When she stopped Mother looked at her and said, “I hope you are going to eat all your tea.” When Ella got home she changed out of her school uniform and asked if she could go out “Where are you going?” Mother asked “to old Mrs Tanner.” Mother Tutted loudly “Why do you always want to be with her?” Ella shrugged her shoulders, hoping she wouldn’t have to say “Oh well, go on, be back at six for tea.” Mother said reluctantly. Ella ran out before she could change her mind, she skipped down the road until she reached the very last house, pushing open the old wooden gate trying not to disturb the paint which was peeling at an alarming rate, she made her way down the path to the front door and rang the bell. Ella loved the bell, it wasn’t a modern one you pushed, but an actual bell with a string so that to ring it you must bash the clapper hard against the side to make it ring, Ella rang it now as hard as she could. “All right, all right” came the sound of Mrs Tanner voice as she opened the door.

Mrs Tanner was very small, only five foot tall, her clothes seemed to wrap around her plump frame, she would tie her hair up in a bun with large black hair pins at the back of her head i the morning, it would then spend the day escaping from the pins, so that by late afternoon she was forever pushing it back from her face and trying to tuck bits back into the bun. She wore gold-rimmed glasses, which always seemed to be falling off the end of her nose and even in the hot summer months she would have an old tattered scarf pulled around her shoulders. She walked slowly, she had had Polio as a child and her left leg was slightly bent, this gave her a limp, making her lean heavily to one side as she walked. Mrs Tanner was ancient in Ella’s eyes, she didn’t know how old she was but mother had muttered something about her being nearly ninety, Ella would have been impressed if she had been thirty as that seemed old to Ella, but ninety!

Mrs Tanner’s face broke into a smile, which always fascinated Ella as she had a tooth missing right at the front, and Ella who had started to lose her baby teeth was intrigued that another one didn’t grow in its place, she didn’t like to ask Mrs Tanner, as it wasn’t polite, but she kept an eye on the space just in case.

Ella loved being with Mrs Tanner, she had been slipping down the road to her house and visiting since she was very small, every time Mrs Tanner would give her a large glass of fresh orange juice or ginger beer which she had made herself and was stored in large glass jars in the pantry, this was always accompanied by a homemade biscuits sprinkled with icing sugar, but most of all, Mrs Tanner would talk to Ella, telling her stories, often about the ornaments scattered on various shelves around the house, old and dusty, each one had a story and she would pick one up ad show her, explaining who they had belonged to or where they had come from in the past, some had very strange yet wonderful histories.

Ella followed the old lady into the kitchen where a fire was blazing in the hearth, onions and garlic hung on strings from an overhead rack which could be brought up and down via a pulley attached to the wall, on rainy days Mrs Tanner would hang her washing to dry on the rack, Ella was sure it would smell of onion and garlic but had never tested her theory. In the middle of the kitchen was a huge table, the top had been made many years ago from an oak tree that had been struck by lightning and died, it had been Mrs Tanners, Great, Great Grandmothers’. On one side, it had been hollowed and was lighter in colour where the generations of woman had stood and rolled pastry, cut out scones and kneaded bread, then scrubbed the top clean with a brush, so that with time and use the wood had worn away. Pulling out one of the equally old and very heavy oak chairs, Ella climbed up and sat down at the table, when she was settled with a glass of juice and a plate of biscuits, Mrs Tanner pushed her glasses further onto her nose, putting her hand into the very large pocket in the front of her skirt, brought out a large purple coloured stone which immediately sparkled as the sunlight caught its’ surface.

“This Ella” she said “Is a crystal, it is called an Amethyst. One of my great uncles, Ermine, who was an adventurer, and ran away to sea when he was fourteen, became a sailor and sailed all over the world, brought this back from a place called Minas Gerais, which is in a country called Brazil. He had gone there to try to find gold, as he had heard from another sailor in Perth, which is the other side of the world in Australia, that there was a gold rush. As luck would have it, his ship was due to sail to Brazil the next day to pick up a cargo of coffee, so, he decided when they arrived he would stay and try his luck,” she paused, “you know what gold is don’t you Ella?” Ella nodded her head. The old lady looked away into the distance as though she was seeing a picture long forgotten, she sighed “Yes, Uncle Ermine was a strange man, he had travelled the world, lived with natives in Africa, he learnt some of their beliefs and systems, in America he lived for some time with a tribe of North American Indians the Abenaki people, and was allowed to take part in their sacred ceremony of decision making, by which the tribe lived, this meant that all the group must agree to what they did in their village and lives, the rule was the final decision must benefit all, he took this to heart applied it in his life. In China he travelled with a companion, a Chinese man Lou Gan, the story goes he was without a ship, that mean he did not have a job, he was sitting in a small tea shop drinking Chinese green tea, he had run out of money and was wondering what to do, when an old man in faltering English asked him if he would work with him on his farm high up in the mountains, Ermine agreed and they set off the next day to walk the 50 miles to where Lou Gan lived in a small village, the adventures of that journey Ella, I will tell you another day, for now hold the crystal.” Ella took the crystal in her hands carefully, so as not to drop it, as she held it, she felt it getting warmer and warmer, she really wanted to put it down, but she held onto it, as she did she noticed a light beginning to radiate from the crystal and surround her hands, she watched as it grew brighter until it seemed to fill the room with a golden glow, she nearly threw the crystal on the table, but managed to let go of it slowly, she put the amethyst down on the table. Mrs Tanner sat back in her chair with a satisfied look on her face “Did you see that!” Ella cried, Mrs Tanner leaned forward, her hands clasped together, elbows bent, she gave Ella a serious look, Ella sensing something was about to happen became still and silent, she raised her eyes and looked directly at Mrs Tanner. “My child” Mrs Tanner took a breath “You were born with a gift, one which you can use in two ways, one will be to help others to find the beauty in life, open their eyes to other dimensions of themselves, the other will take you on a path which ultimately will destroy you and everyone around you.” “I know that you don’t understand what I am saying, I also know that in some respects your path will be chosen for you, so for now, if you let me, I will teach you the way of life as it has been taught to me, and many before me.” Ella did not understand what she was saying, but deep inside she had a strange feeling that this was right, so she nodded, smiled, and said nothing but picked up her juice to drain the last drops from the bottom of the glass. It was time to go home for tea.

Ella ran up the road to her house and burst through the door just as tea was being set out on the table, she didn’t think about what had happened until much later that night, when she was lying in bed looking at the moon through the open curtains. Ella could feel the energy of the crystal even now in her hand and as she began to drift off into sleep she had a feeling of someone else in the room, tired and sleepy she opened her eyes just a little and when she saw Tom sitting by her bed she relaxed and was fast to sleep in seconds.

Ella was growing up quickly, her best friends were the twins, they played together every break time at school and after school met in the roughs or at the park. The twins’ parents were both musicians, their father, wore jeans and a T-shirt most of the time and chain-smoked so that it seemed as though he had a permanent cigarette attached to his lips. He played the piano and wrote music, he always carried a pad of paper with him, which he would pull out of his jeans pocket scribbling furiously in as he walked along. Their mother played the violin, she had a vague disposition and would forget to shop for food, so often the twins would be sent to the local grocery store for a sticky bun and of course, Ella too, when she was there, a treat for Ella as this was something forbidden at home. The twins mother had a large garden full of different kinds of flowers and bushes, she went out most days wearing a very large sun hat, gloves and carrying a wicker basket, she would then set about pulling weeds and trimming bushes, she seemed to always be doing something in the garden, yet the garden stayed overgrow! Liala and Les as they liked to be called, worked as musicians in an orchestra and often travelled to other countries to play, this meant the twins were often looked after by their Grandmother who was partially deaf, and enjoyed playing gin rummy with her friends, more than making sure the twins ate tea and washed before bed! Ella thought the twins were lucky, as generally nobody seemed to mind what they did, building tents in the living room with mounds of blankets draped carefully over chairs, held in place with piles of books was not a problem, their mother gave a wan smile as she floated by if by chance, their father tripped over a delicate piece of tent he would kick it out of the way with his foot and pass by scribbling or humming. The three girls played and played, even so Ella managed to pop in to see Mrs Tanner and listen to a story or two before racing off to meet her friends.

Mrs Tanner came from a long line of non-traditionalists particularly where religion was concerned, the women in the family, had a history of growing and using herbs to treat all kinds of ailments, Mrs Tanner now kept the family book which housed all the recipes for various mixes of herbs, when to pick them and how they should be blended so as to release their benefits. Mrs Tanner had delivered many babies including two of her own, sadly they both died at birth, shortly after they were followed by Mr Tanner who fell from a roof he was fixing and broke his neck, leaving Mrs Tanner to wonder why the Universe had chosen to take away those she loved. For many years she had lived alone in the house where she was born and had inherited upon her mother’s death. Word had spread that she had the gift of second sight and was able to mix potions to give relief from pain and suffering, so visitors were frequent, the kettle in her kitchen was always warm.

One day when Mrs Tanner had been working in the front garden of her house she has seen Ella hopping from one leg to another as she came down the street, a light emitted from the child, one Mrs Tanner had not seen for many years, and instantly, she knew, here was a special child, one who would do great things, if guided in the right way. She quietly investigated the family, and soon found out that the child’s name was Ella, and had been adopted into the family as a baby. The family seemed solid respectable people who attended church every Sunday, made sure the children were fed and clean, they had all the ‘right’ friends and were seen in the ‘right’ places. Mrs Tanner saw that Ella was lonely, she was not sure why, as she seemed to have lots of friends, yet there was a distance with her, as though she felt she didn’t fit in, “probably not” thought Mrs Tanner, privately, as Ella passed the house, Mrs Tanner would call out a “Hello!” One day Ella paused and politely asked if she could help in her garden; that was the beginning of their friendship.

Mrs Tanner looked forward to Ella’s visits, not only because it gave her chance to gently educate her in the ways of spirit, but also Ella brightened up her day, like a ray of sunshine she would bounce into the house, and with laughter, she would regale to Mrs Tanner what she and the twins had been doing, in quiet moments she would sit with her head buried into the treasures within Mrs. Tanners family book, drinking in the knowledge, absorbed she would often absent mindedly draw small doodles as she read. Mrs Tanner would sit beside her a smile on her face and watch.

Ella felt pain, she had been aware of this for many years, it was only now when she reached her twelfth birthday that she understood. When she was very small and would go with mother for a visit to her friend’s house, sometime Ella would only get in the door and run screaming away “Want to go home!” Ella’s mother would be quietly furious not understanding the crying or the reason why “Don’t like it here” Ella would scream at the top of her voice, creating a profoundly embarrassing situation for Ella’s mother, she would try to calm her until the screaming reached an unmanageable pitch for everyone. As soon as they left, Ella would cease crying and point to the sky, at a cloud or a bird flying there. Ella’s mother would march stiffly along not saying a word.

No one knew, not even Ella, that this was because she felt energy, and often, when she was taken to a new place or to visit people who were going to be sick she ‘felt’ it. As a little girl this just caused her to cry, as she got older, it caused her to actually hurt in her body and mind.

The only people she talked to about these things were the twins and Mrs Tanner, the twins were sympathetic and went out of their way to make her laugh, Mrs Tanner was dismissive saying she needed to learn it was not her pain and let it go.

During the year Ella turned twelve, she gradually became aware of colours that seemed to radiate around plants, animals and people, she mentioned it to mother one day and was sharply reprimanded and told not to be so silly. When she told the twins they were fascinated and kept asking her what colours she could see around them, then other people as they walked down the street. Mrs Tanner asked her immediately what she felt when she saw the colours, Ella was not sure, she had been so interested in what she was seeing, she did not think about how she felt, Mrs Tanner told her to start thinking!

During the previous five or so years Mrs Tanner had given Ella books to read about different beliefs ad religions around the world, she told Ella that not everyone was a Christian, which surprised Ella, who having gone to church every Sunday with her parents and brother thought everyone was a Christian.

The first time she took a book home and had settled down in a comfy corner of the sofa to read, mother came in and asked, “What are you reading?” Ella showed her the book it was called Enuma Elish, The Epic of Creation written on seven tablets and believed to date back as far as the Bronze age and was possibly one of the earliest known religious texts still in existence, it also give an interesting insight, into life in ancient India four thousand years ago. Mrs Tanner had given Ella the book to read so she could better understand the thinking behind the birth of the universe, Mrs Tanner had told Ella, that all texts, from whatever religion they came, pointed to roughly the same starting point, but Ella must decide for herself.

Mother was unhappy with the book, luckily she didn’t know about the others Ella had been reading. Ella asked mother why she felt this way, but mother just shrugged and said, “It’s not the Christian Bible, signalling to Ella that she should return the book immediately. Ella sulked ad cried as she took the book back to Mrs Tanner.

“Why, oh why, oh why!” Ella cried as soon as Mrs Tanner opened the door. Looking at the distorted face and the book under Ella’s arm, Mrs Tanner didn’t need to be told what was wrong. “Come in and have some juice dear.” She said calmly. Ella stomped into the kitchen and threw herself into a chair. Mrs Tanner placed a glass of sweet ginger beer in front of her and a tin of biscuits at her elbow. Ella let rip! “I don’t understand!” “We go to church every Sunday, sing hymns, pray, then shoo the beggars off the street outside, just so the vicar can shake everyone’s hand as they leave.” Taking a breath she continued, “We read the bible in Sunday school and hear of Jesus being a kind loving teacher, yet he cannot have been the only kind person to have been here, can he?” It was both a statement and a question, Ella stopped and glared at Mrs Tanner, “well?” she snapped, “Now, now child, you have been reading about different religions and spiritual practices, perhaps you should think this through for yourself?” Ella still furious got up abruptly “I must go now, thank you for the juice.” And she left. Ella didn’t go home straight away, she need time to think, Mrs Tanner had left her with more questions than answers, so she headed to the roughs, burrowing deep into one of the bushes, she knew was hollow in the middle, lay down with her hands behind her head, eyes closed, and began to think about the events of the afternoon.

Ella loved church she sang the hymns with gusto, love the smell of the flowers the ladies put everywhere. She listened avidly to the sermons and when the children were excused to go into Sunday school, she listened to the Bible stories and drew colourful pictures for her Sunday school journal. Ella prayed every day, before she was ready to sleep, she asked God to keep everyone safe, sometimes if she really wanted a new sweater or dress she would ask God to give her mother a nudge in the right direction, usually that meant the right shop, she didn’t think God minded her asking, at least she hoped not.

Ella naturally believed in love, joy and people being healed, even though life had already shown her pain, the rejection of her parents, who had in fact ‘chosen’ her was now obvious as she was growing up and being less and less conforming in her ways. She didn’t mean to be bad, talk too much, and of course say all the wrong things, just sometimes Ella felt as though she wasn’t quite attached to her body, when this happened she would find she had wandered off and talked to people her parents didn’t approve of, this usually brought their combined force of anger in her direction. When that happened Ella usually ran and hid, tears of anger and pain running down her face, her whole body filled with the pain of rejection, later she would reappear, wanting to talk about how she felt, and why they were angry: but no one talked.

Ella lay in the dirt thinking about the books Mrs Tanner had given her to read. In the beginning there had been stories about North American Indian tribes, how they lived, their medicine men that healed and the traditions they practiced. Then there were the Aboriginals in Australia whose belief systems revolve around dreaming which Ella loved, as she too, often had visions when she slept, their love of chanting and singing, so like the Buddhists, Hindus and Sikhs.

Mrs Tanner had allowed Ella to go into her special reading room, it was a small room, stacked from floor to ceiling with books. The ones on the top shelves were covered in dust, Ella often took the small step ladder from the pantry, in the kitchen and climbed right to the top, blowing the dust from the books she would scan their tittles, feeling if she wanted to read the book, if not she would carefully return it to its place. Her fingers would move quickly over the spines, until they would stop as if they had a mind of their own, Ella would always read the book where her fingers stopped, though, she did not always have to read all of it, sometimes she would feel as if she got the message in its pages, when only half way through, and so she would return it to its place and allow her hands to choose another. As she got older and her reading ability became wider, the books she read were complicated yet each one gave her a small piece of an unseen puzzle.

Ella had not really thought about why she needed to investigate and learn about religion and spirituality, nor why she spent hours talking and reading at Mrs Tanners, another realisation hit her, she loved the twins yet she had never once taken then to visit Mrs Tanner. Even when she discussed colours and energies with them she didn’t really explain in detail how she knew. It wasn’t as though Mrs Tanner had ever told her not to discuss in-depth with anyone, let alone the twins, yet instinctively she held the knowledge inwards, even with them she felt different: that perhaps they would not understand.

Ella felt everything conflicting inside her mind, she closed her eyes and tears squeezed out of the corner and ran down her temples and into her hair, she let them fall. Her stomach had started to rumble, which told her it must be time to go home for tea, so with a troubled mind she crawled back out of the bush and started home.

Mother was in the kitchen when she got home, putting the tablecloth on the table, she asked Ella to fetch the knives and forks, Ella did so grudgingly. Setting out four places, she went upstairs to wash for tea, splashing cold water on her face, and scrubbing her hands, she brushed her hair, then she looked long and hard at herself in the mirror, as if trying to find answers written there, with a sigh she went downstairs for tea.

That night when she went to bed she prayed, “Dear God please show me what I am supposed to do.” Ella waited for an answers, straining her ears in the darkness, as though she expected a voice to speak, she fell asleep troubled and unhappy.

The next morning the sun was shining which lifted Ella’s spirits, it was Saturday so she did not have to go to school today, she decided to go to Mrs Tanners and say sorry ,as she had not been very nice yesterday. Going down stairs, no one was awake, so Ella, skipping breakfast, put on her shoes and went down the road to Mrs Tanners. Ella pulled on the bell, when the door opened she rushed to Mrs Tanner, and gave her a hug, nearly lifting her off the ground, as now, Ella was taller than the old lady, “Put me down” she cried laughingly, Ella let go saying “I’m sorry I was so grumpy yesterday.” “Don’t worry child, we all have bad days.” Said Mrs Tanner “have you had breakfast?” “No, I could take a piece of toast.” Ella said cheekily. They went into the kitchen together and made toast smothered with butter and topped by homemade orange marmalade, and made a large mug of tea each, Mrs Tanner put it all on a tray, and Ella carried it carefully out into the garden, where they sat on two very old wooden chairs, the breakfast sitting on an equally old table, that rocked every time someone moved, Ella was relaxed and happy.

Mrs Tanner waited until Ella had finished eating, and drunk the last drop of her tea ,then clasping her hands over her ample stomach she said “Ella do you see that bird flying high up there, Ella shaded her eyes and looked up into the sky, Mrs Tanner continued, “you may think that, the bird is free to do what it wants, go where it wants, yet, think about it, each day it must find food, so it is driven by the need to fly, where it can find food, in the summer that’s easy as there are a lot of insects in the sky, it can eat, but in winter the bird must stay close to a garden where someone has put out food. In May, if it is a she, it will have babies to feed, so it must fly back and forth with food for its chicks, everything and everybody is restricted and in some way.” Ella was silent digesting what she had heard.

It is time, thought Mrs Tanner, and drew in a deep breath, “Ella” she said touching her arm. Ella’s whole body tingled in expectation, she didn’t know why, just that this was important, as if it was something she had been waiting for. Mrs Tanner had a faraway look in her eyes, her voice took a soft tone as she said, “We are all part of a puzzle, like a huge jigsaw each piece is a tree, a rock, a rabbit or one of us.” Ella nodded “Over the years I have helped many people with my herbs, and as you know, many have come to me, yet sometimes it is too late to help, so I have to let them go.” She continued, “You Ella have reached a stage, where you can choose a pathway, your piece of the puzzle, and you can help or not, it is entirely your choice.” Ella silently digested this information, finally asking, “But how Mrs Tanner?” Turning to look at her, Mrs.Tanner replied, “That child will become clearer as you grow; you feel energies and see colours now.” It was a statement not a question “I am not sure how your senses will develop, just that they will, child.,” she said. “You remember when you were small and went on your journeys?” A nod from Ella “How did those dreams feel?” “Well,” Ella said slowly “They felt real, as though I was really in different places as though I really was there.” “Then there was Tom, who I still feel sometimes as though he is a real person, he is to me,” she added hastily. She could feel Tom now, by her side, but she didn’t say this. “I see colours all around people, sometimes, and the glow that a tree sends out is beautiful, I love to watch the colours move and change.” Ella became animated when she talked, a large smile on her face, her arms waving. Mrs Tanner smiled, “We all have choices to make in life, just as the bird makes choices, it is what makes us who we are.” A pause, Mrs Tanner gathered herself “I come from a long line of herbalists, healers who walked a different path to the “norm,” whatever that is.” she added darkly “The experiences we have in life, either make us stronger, or we give in, and then they make us weaker, this is how a lot of people see things, yet that is not true, it is how we choose to feel about our experiences that brings out the best or the worst in us.” She went on “I know this may be difficult for you to put together at the moment, there is so much in front of you, so much to do and see, what has happened was just the beginning.”

Ella left Mrs Tanners and walked slowly down the road, she looked around her in wonder, everything seem to have taken on a new sparkle, she stopped to watch a caterpillar as it walked carefully across a shiny green laurel leaf. A butterfly flew past and stopping for a second, almost feeling the breeze from its wings, she was laughing to herself she carried on her way to the twins house.

When she got to there, she could hear them roaring with laughter, looking through the window into the lounge she saw them, arms waving, jumping up and down. Betty caught sight of her “quick” she screamed and started running towards the front door, it flew open “Come on, come on,” and without waiting to see if Ella was following, she rushed back into the living room,

Ella followed filled with curiosity. There in the middle of the lounge, was a small ball of light brown fluffy fur whizzing round and round as he tried desperately to catch the end of his tail. The twins jumped up and down in unison “Isn’t he gorgeous?” They chorused, “We got him today, his name is Rufus, “Ooh watch out he’s going to pee,” Helen picked him up, they rushed into the kitchen and out of the back door into the garden. Rufus relieved himself then ran off to explore. Ella and the twins followed as Rufus examined plants, dug a small hole by the rose bush, which Betty quickly filled in, then, picked up a twig and ran with it in his mouth. When Ella tried to take it to throw it for him he held it firmly, in his sharp teeth, growling playfully but still refused to give Ella the stick, she let go and he fell over, then ran round and round in joyful circles with all three girls running behind. Eventually he grew tired and threw himself onto the grass, the girls sat in a circle around him, happy, just to look at him. The twin’s mother called to them to bring him and put him in his basket, as he may get damp on the grass.

Betty picked Rufus up, and they all went into the kitchen and placed him gently into his brand new basket under the kitchen table, Rufus snuggled down and went straight back to sleep. The girls tip towed away. “What shall we do?” whispered Helen “I know, let’s make Rufus a daisy chain, then when he wakes up we could walk to the shop and buy him a ball.” She looked at the others who nodded approvingly. On their way back into the garden, they took a large jug of orange juice which Ella carried, it was very full, so she walked very carefully, Betty took three plastic mugs, they walked around until they found a good patch of daisy’s for the necklace. They sat on the grass drinking juice and threading daisies in harmony, as they threaded daises they talked about school and the coming outing they were all going to on Monday.

The outing was the first school trip that the girls had been on, it was to a fire station, and they were all looking forward to it. They liked fire engines, and hoped they would be allowed to ride in one. Mother called to say Rufus was awake, so they all rushed into the house, Helen proudly put the daisy chain around his neck, he immediately rolled on his back trying to catch the daisy’s, and he soon managed to break the necklace, and run with it in his mouth, the girls chasing him and shouting with laughter. “Lets’ get his collar and lead and go and get him a ball.” Said Betty, panting with exhaustion.

Helen fetched his brand new red collar and matching lead, and Betty picked him up and held onto him, whilst Ella and Helen struggled to fasten the collar, as he was wriggling so much, because Rufus thought it was another game. Finally they had fastened the collar and checked it was not too tight, attached the lead, put on their shoes and made it out into the street, Rufus was in the lead, as he investigated every scent he found, walking from side to side, back and forth, the girls taking turns to hold him, following his every move, so it took them three times as long to get to the shops than it would have normally.

When they arrived, they tied Rufus to a lamppost just outside the shop, and they went in, Rufus sat down forlornly, and watched them go. Inside the shop they made their way to where the toys were. There was a large box filled with all kinds of balls, from footballs to tiny rubber bouncing balls, the girls began to take out the large ones on the top so they could look at the smaller ones. After some discussion, they decided the tiny rubber bouncing balls would be too small, Rufus might swallow it or it would get easily lost, eventually they all agreed that the yellow, red and green tennis ball would be lovely, and off they went to the checkout to pay.

Outside Rufus sat patiently waiting for them, sure they would come back, when he saw them coming out of the shop door he jumped up, tail wagging furiously, the girls ran over to him, untied his lead and showed him his new ball, he sniffed it all over, then, much to the delight of the children, taking it in his mouth, he began to walk, proudly carrying it in his mouth. Rufus carried the ball all the way home, only dropping it once, when he found a beetle walking along the pavement and tried to lick it.

When they arrived at the twins house, it was time for lunch, the twins mother asked if Ella was hungry and wanted to stay, Ella of course wanted to, so they sat at the kitchen table, and ate ham sandwiches washed down with milk, Rufus, tired from his walk, lay in his basket and slept, his legs twitching occasionally as though he was running. After lunch the girls had decided to take Rufus into the garden to play ball, they couldn’t wait for him to wake up, so they woke him and he was soon trotting behind them as they all went into the garden.

The twins who normally didn’t fight, had a disagreement about who was going to throw the ball, in the end Ella snatched the ball out of Betties hand and threw it, Rufus watched it fly through the air then walked in the opposite direction and peed on a bush, the girls collapsed into giggles. “Rufus!” shouted Helen “You are supposed to fetch it!” Betty ran and picked up the ball “Here boy” she called, and waved the ball under his nose, she teased him a little, and he tried to get it out of her hand, then she threw it, not far, in case she had to get it, Rufus stood still for a second, then ran full belt, grabbing the ball in his mouth he carried on running, the girls jumped up and down clapping and shouting “Good boy, come here, bring the ball.”

Rufus, pleased with himself, sat down on the grass and held his ball under his paw, Ella ran over and grabbed the ball, throwing it again, further up the garden. Rufus ran after it straight away, picking up his ball he fled under a large thorny bush, and sat down watching the girls. All three got down on hands and knees by the bush, peering in, they tried to cajole Rufus to come out, he watched them for a while, then picking up his ball he rushed out, whizzing past them all and began to run round and round the garden. The girls were laughing so much they couldn’t move; eventually he stopped and lay down panting. “Well!” said Helen “I think this is going to take longer than we expected!” The others nodded “Shall we let him rest now and try again later?” They took Rufus and his ball inside, and put him to bed in his basket where he quickly snuggled in and was fast asleep in seconds.

Ella, Betty and Helen spent the rest of the day painting, Ella painted butterfly’s by creasing the paper down the middle and painting one side then folding the two sides together so it imprinted on both pieces, this produced a smudgy image, making it fanciful. It was a peaceful afternoon, when Ella heard the chiming clock in the hall striking five she was sorry to leave, but she had been out all day and tea would be ready soon. So washing her brushes and water jar out she said goodbye to the twins and walked home.

Ella had consciously not thought about the conversation with Mrs Tanner, and had been glad the twins had such a lovely distraction, as well as Rufus, Now as she lay in her bed, thoughts flooded into her mind, she went back to what Mrs Tanner had said, Ella didn’t understand it all, yet she knew deep inside her it had been an important day, as though something had shifted in her life, unsure what she was supposed to do she drifted into a half sleep and as did she saw Tom, behind him was the shadowy figure of a woman, she knew she had seen her before, but couldn’t place where, as she sunk into deep sleep she remembered.

Ella dreamt vivid dreams that made her cry out in her sleep, she tossed and turned so much that in the morning when she awoke her bedclothes were half on the floor, her hair was wild as though she had been fighting: with eyes dull and skin white, Ella felt exhausted.

It was Sunday so she dressed for Church, going down to the kitchen her face ashen, mother looked at her and exclaimed “Ella, what’s the matter?” Ella shrugged her shoulders and gave a mumbled “nothing, I didn’t sleep too well.” She sat down and poured a cup of tea from the pot on the table, mother frowned as she loaded it with three sugars, but for once let it pass, Ella took a large gulp of the hot sweet tea, buttered a piece of toast, she felt herself relaxing and waking up.

The family left for church, mother having put the roast in the oven on a low heat surrounded by potatoes it would be cooked by the time they got home. The cauliflower and carrots fresh from the garden were in pans of water on the hob just to be switched on when they came in, it was a ritual, church, then a roast lunch followed by a walk in the afternoon though sometimes on winter days, they would play gin rummy or monopoly in the lounge in front of the fire.

Ella sat in the back of the car as though in a dream, she heard the rest of the family talking but had drifted away into her own world, she remembered seeing the woman with Tom and knew exactly where she had seen her before, it was the woman in the picture in her old treasure box, “strange” she thought, why was she with Tom?

When they arrived at the church they filed into their seats and Ella bent her head in prayer, usually, she fiddled with the hymnbook or sneaked a look around to see if her friends were there, but today she prayed, her life had changed, she had changed, she felt different.

Ella asked God to help her, she couldn’t define what with, as she was not sure herself but had an instinctive, intuitive sense, that she was balancing on an edge and felt as if she could fall at any moment, her hands were wet with sweat and she wiped them on her coat.

The church organ began to play signalling the service was about to start, Ella thought about that word service, who was serving who, she must ask Mrs Tanner. They all stood and sang the first hymn, Rock of Ages, Ella sang with gusto, it was a hymn she loved. When they were seated again the vicar led them in the Lord’s Prayer, Ella who had said the prayer every Sunday since she was very small without thinking, thought for the first time about the meaning behind the words. She waited until the children were sent out to the Sunday school room, the, writing the Lord’s Prayer out, Ella tried to make sense out of each line, she tried to think in broad spiritual terms and she wrote notes under each sentence.

Our Father who art in Heaven,

God as an energy, or feeling.

Hallowed be thy name

Respect.

Thy kingdom come

I can bring to me all that I would like

Thy will be done

We all have a path to follow.

On earth as it is in heaven.

We can make heaven here it is our choice.

Give us this day our daily bread

?

And forgive us our trespasses

Think about who I am hurting.

As we forgive those who trespass against us;

Forgiveness

And lead us not into temptation,

?

But deliver us from evil

?

For thine is the kingdom,

I must make my own choices and build a kingdom

And the power,

I can

And the glory,

Energy

Forever Amen.

Ella looked over her paper and thought she had far too many question marks, folding it into a neat square she put it in her pocket ready to take it to Mrs Tanners. She felt she would know what the answers were.

Ella had not been paying attention to the Sunday school teacher so was taken by surprise when she asked her “Who climbed mount Everest first Ella.” Ella startled said “Sir Edmund Hilary in 1953, Miss.” Inside her head her mind was spinning, where did I get that from she thought, desperately she tried to remember if she had learnt about Mr Hilary and couldn’t think if she had. Ella was silent for the rest of the day; she ate her lunch without tasting it, then followed everyone out for a walk, she walked like a zombie one foot in front of the other not seeing the array of purple heather or hearing the cry of a hawk as it spotted some prey.

Finally bedtime came, Ella should have been excited as tomorrow was the school trip to the Fire Station, but she was so tired, her mind so confused, she all but fell into bed and thankfully, into a dreamless sleep.

The next morning Ella felt much brighter, as soon as she had finished her breakfast she brushed her hair, cleaned her teeth, after checking herself in the bathroom mirror, set off to the twins house, so they could all to walk to school together. The twins were bubbling with excitement, Ella, was caught up in their enthusiasm giving her a reprieve from her thoughts and feelings.

Ella’s class walked in a long line to the fire station, they all had clipboards with a number of questions, the teacher had handed out to them before they left, these they should answer whilst at the fire station.

Betty was using her board to bat playfully at Ella, they started to chase each other until Mrs Bennett, who having been their teacher since first grade, new them well, called to them sharply, “Get in line you two or you will stand outside all the time we are at the fire station”, it was enough to stop Ella and Betty, they promptly got back in line and walked nicely the rest of the way.

Betty and Helen were eager to see if they would be allowed to slide down the fireman’s pole they had seen this on a film recently, and thought it looked fun; Ella had tried to talk them out of it, as she was afraid of heights and thought it looked dangerous, you never knew what the twins were planning!

The class arrived at the fire station and were greeted by the Chief Fire Officer, they all stood in a semi-circle around him with their clip boards and pens at the ready, as he explained the history of the fire service, which went back as far as the Roman invasion AD43, back then, it consisted of villagers getting together and putting out fires with buckets of water, all standing in a line and passing the buckets along, then in 1666 the great fire of London took place, this changed everything, so many lives were lost due to disorganisation and the fact that many houses were squashed together, made of wood the fire had jumped from house to house, so they had burnt easily.

As he was talking he walked towards a room at the rear of the station the class obediently followed, their imagination captured. Along the whole of one wall, was large pictures of some of the first fire engines, a horse draw fire engine, which was no more than a carriage carrying buckets of water, one of the first steam driven firefighting machines, an original picture of the first motorised engine to be used in this very fire station, and several more models, until they reached the present day.

The children were fascinated. In the corner of the room was a large bell, the fire chief went over and pulled on the rope hanging from its chamber, the sound was so loud, it vibrated around the room, some of the children covered their ears. When the noise died away, he told them that this was the bell used to sound the alarm for a fire, believed to have been used in the station as early as 1890, nowadays, ,of course, they had an electronic siren, but they had left the bell as a tribute to all those who had fought fires in the past.

The next stop was in the fire crews kitchen come squad room, there were only four firemen in the room, the chief explained that this was because they also relied upon on-call fire fighters, these were people who had trained but were not full time employees, they had beepers with them at all times, so when they were needed they could be beeped and leave whatever they were doing to come to the fire station.

Some of the other permanent firemen were out checking public buildings “like your school” he said, hospitals, private businesses, they also sometimes went on training days. Suddenly the siren started screaming through the building, telling the crew there was a fire.

The fire crew instantly began to move towards the lockers by the door, pulling out their protective clothing, they were dressing as they moved towards the pole, Ella glanced at the twins and saw them grin at each other, in seconds the fire station was quiet and empty again, the fire engines had roared away their sirens blaring.

The chief asked Mrs Bennett if it would be okay if the children had their lunch break now as he must go and coordinate operations. Mrs Bennett agreed, immediately the ladies who worked in the kitchen began to bring out piles of ham and cheese sandwiches with tall glasses of milk.

The children ate and talked about what they had seen, the twins sitting with Ella as usual whispered, “Did you see them pop through that hole and down the pole, seconds, it took seconds?” “We could just slip down...” Ella frowned at them “You might fall and it is a long way down.” “Ella your just so!” Betty couldn’t find the word she pursued her lips and blew “Pah” was all she could get out. The girls ate in an uncomfortable silence even though the twins were the same age as Ella sometimes she felt like their mother. She resolved to keep an eye on them and make sure they didn’t leap down the pole.

After lunch another fire officer appeared, the chief was busy directing operations, so, he was to take them on the rest of the tour. The children followed him, as he led them through the station he explained what took place in each room, when finally, they were allowed to sit in the remaining fire engine, he let them quickly press the siren, then showed them the breathing apparatus, the hoses and explained how the ladders would be hydraulically driven to reach high rise buildings so people could be rescued or the fire men could direct water down into a fire from above if necessary. The highlight for the children came when he demonstrated a fireman’s lift on Mrs Bennett, they watched giggling behind their hands as he swiftly lifted her up and placed her on his shoulder.

It was time to walk back to school and Ella breathed a sigh of relief that the twins had not had chance to carry out their plan. On the way back to school the twins moaned and groaned blaming Ella for not letting them try, “Think of it like this” Ella said “If you had managed to go down and if you had fallen and hurt yourselves who would play with Rufus if you had broken legs and couldn’t walk?” The twins were silent for a while, then grunting in acceptance they began to use the pavement to play hopscotch as they went along.

The twins never held grudges, soon they were all laughing as they made their way to school. When they arrived back it was home time, so Mrs Bennett counted the children to check they were all back, then dismissed class. Ella and the twins ran along the road until they were all out of breath: it had been a brilliant day.

Ella left the twins at the corner where their roads forked, and walked jauntily along to her house, she had wanted to pop in and tell Mrs Tanner about her day but knew she would be late for tea if she did, so waving as she passed Mrs Tanners house, in case she was looking out of her window, she carried on.

Tea was on the table and Ella ate quickly, mother told her she would get stomach ache eating that fast, but Ella wanted to go and write up her notes from the fire station so she could take them to school the next day. Pushing her chair back she rushed upstairs taking out the papers she had written on, she then started to put them into order, this meant rewriting most of them, as she had scribbled things down all over the page, it took longer than she had thought, so when she had finished it was time for bed.

Ella had been so interested in the trip to the fire station, she had let go of her ruminations, now however, as she lay in bed they came flooding back, what she was meant to do!

Saying her prayers, she asked once again to be shown the way, then, trusting an answer would appear, she promptly fell asleep. That night Ella dreamed she was floating out into the darkness of the sky, she was not afraid, just deeply calm, as she floated, down below she could see the lights of the city, Ella kept floating higher, suddenly, she was aware of a large building right in front of her, she found herself standing outside the massive double doors, as she registered this, the doors slowly opened. In front of her, was a hallway, lit by candles with two large leather backed chairs and a table in between, the floor was wood, so highly polished that she could see her face reflecting back to her. The walls were covered in a rich burgundy coloured material, embossed with a pattern of gold leaves. A magnificent stairway spiralled gently upwards, the rich wood handrail gleamed in the candle light, soft music was playing, in tones she had never heard before, she faltered and then as if she already knew where she should go, she began to climb the stairs, it was a long way up.

Reaching the top she found herself in a wide hallway, it was covered with beautiful paintings, landscapes, animals and flowers, each one lit by its own candles, she walked along drinking in the beauty.

The hallway had lots of doors but Ella didn’t open them, she instinctively knew she would be shown which door she should enter, a little further along she stopped, the door she had paused at, had a large round brass handle, grasping it she opened the door and found she was in a small but cosy room.

The room had a large arched window at one end, it was filled with coloured glass, of yellows, reds and oranges forming a picture of a sun, on the floor was a large cream rug, positioned in front of a burning fire, a small couch, yellow with bright orange cushions, was in the centre of the room, beside it stood a table, but, the most prominent object in the room was on the table, it was a book, a huge old leather bound book, even from where she was standing she could see the gold lettering on the front, she crossed the room to look at what was written, it said Ella.

Picking up the book which was strangely light, Ella sat down on the couch, as she did so the book opened by itself, a little startled, she was at once curious, looking at the page which had opened before her, she saw a picture, the picture was of a woman in her twenties, one leg was deformed and crippled, standing on a dusty road, hot sunshine beating down on her, the only thing she carried was a bowl,

Ella watched fascinated, as she walked along, soon she came to a small village of seven houses, the woman went into the centre of the village, where there was a well, she dropped the bucket into the water and brought it up full then drank deeply, children gathered around her, followed by their mothers and even some fathers: she began to speak,

“My children, a frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson. The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. Every day the family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult for him. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped a cup of milk it spilled. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. “We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son. “I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.” So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family sat and enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken some dishes, they gave him his food in a wooden bowl. The family occasionally glanced in Grandfather’s direction, and saw that sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?” The boy looked at his Father and responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and mother to eat your food in when I grow up.” The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or a plate broken.

The woman stopped and looked around the faces, some with tears streaming down their cheeks, without another word she pulled herself up, a woman reached out and took her hand, together they walked to the woman’s house and went inside, the picture faded and disappeared.

The page turned, there was another picture as Ella watched it as became animated, an oxen laden with goods was making its way carefully up a steep mountain pass, behind it walked an old man, he was dressed in a long tunic, brightly coloured, around his waist he had a belt and hanging from it were pots, pans, a water bottle, and his knife, behind him was a string of twenty or so people all dressed in the same fashion. Children ran backwards and forwards as they made their way towards the pastures high on the mountain.

Ella watched as they arrived in a small flat grassy opening, the women immediately started to unpack and make camp, the yurts, rather like big tents, were put up facing south. The furniture was arranged in the proper way, as tradition dictated, always the beds each side of the tent, the storage with the pictures of Buddha, seating and table, were put next to the fire built in the centre of the yurt, all this took around two hours to bring to perfection. The families were soon inside, fires lit and food cooking.

The old man was their elder, a leader, and he called the children of the tribe to him and began the day’s teachings. He asked the children to recite the laws of the Mongolians in their best voices in unison they all began with “You may not beat horses, dogs, or animals. It would be the same as beating a close friend.

You may not throw any waste into water including rivers and lakes.

You must feed all guests, or at least offer food.

You must build two bonfires with an open path between them and direct traders to walk along the path between the fires to be purified before trade can occur.

Greet all people with a well wish.

Deep respect can be shown by putting your hand on your heart and bowing.

The highest form of greeting is to give a gift of a blue scarf.

It is forbidden to be unfair.”

The old man nodded with a smile, he cleared his throat, today I am going to tell you the story of Chuluun and Hongozul who lived high up on a hill, Hongozul was watering her sheep. Her husband had reminded her to cover the well tightly when she was done, as water was scarce. But when she was done watering the sheep, she forgot to close the well. Soon, the well filled and the water poured out. It flowed and flowed, and flooded the grassland at the bottom of the hill. The sheep bleated in fright. Hongozul tried to stop the flow of water by covering the well. But the water was moving too rapidly. It tossed the cover into the air, and poured even more forcefully out of the well. Just then, a warrior came riding by. “Can you help me?” the woman cried. “I cannot stop the water!” The warrior shot an arrow into the tallest mountain, splitting it in two. One part fell onto the well and stopped the water from pouring out. Hongozul turned to the warrior, eager to thank him and to offer him food to eat when suddenly something occurred to her. She blurted, “But how will I get to the water again? It is under a mountain.” The warrior only bowed and smiled and went on his way. Hongozul realized that she had not offered food or greeting, she hung her head in shame.

The old man gazed around the tent taking in each child’s reaction, seeing they had digested the message, he then dismissed them.

The picture in the book faded and was replaced by another and another, so it went on, Ella sat and watched enthralled, page after page rapidly displayed life after life, Ella, who had realised by now the book was showing her past lives, drank all the scenes in. Suddenly the pages stopped turning, after a short pause a message appeared on a new page, it said

“This Ella, this is your past, it is part of the knowledge you have gathered into your soul, it is time to choose your destiny.”

Ella knew without being told it was time for her to leave this place, as she left, she thought to herself, it is like a library only the books are about us. As soon as Ella walked out through the oak doors, she felt herself floating, knowing nothing more until with a start, she awoke in her bed, it was morning.

Ella got up, the dream still vivid in her mind, she washed and dressed for school, ate her breakfast and walked down the road to meet the twins. Ella had to pass Mrs Tanners on her way and she was tempted to go in and talk to her about the dream, but knew if she did not arrive at school on time they would call her mother and she would be in trouble.

All day Ella itched for school to be over, she was distracted, the twins were annoyed with her, as they had to repeat stories twice before they even got a nod from Ella. School finally finished and Ella marched the twins home then rushed up the road to Mrs Tanners, she pulled frantically on the bell and burst through the door as soon as it was opened, nearly pushing poor Mrs Tanner over. Throwing herself into a chair, her school bag cast on the floor by the door, she slapped both hands down on the table “You have to help me!” Ella cried now red in the face with emotion and she began to explain the dream she had the night before.

Mrs Tanner listened patiently, her head tilted on one side, a smile playing on her lips. Eventually Ella’s voice trailed away, she became quiet, she looked expectantly at Mrs Tanner, who was watching her face intently.

Mrs Tanner beamed a smile and as she did so her whole face lit up “Oh child! I am so happy for you; you have been to the Hall of Records and have been allowed to access yours, such an honour!” Ella’s face registered puzzlement “What do you mean I went, it was a dream wasn’t it?” “Hush child, let me make a cup of tea and cut a slice of chocolate cake for us then I will tell you all about it.” Mrs Tanner busied herself putting the kettle on and Ella curbed her impatience, got two small plates out of the cupboard for the cake, soon the tea was steaming in two mugs, a large piece of moist chocolate cake was deposited on each plate the fire had been stoked: now the pair were comfortable.

I have watched you grow and waited, the first time I set eyes upon you I knew you were special, just how special remains to be seen she added, darkly. You are being offered a responsibility not only for your life but others too, this was the first step, if you accept you will be duty bound to give, help and counsel others throughout their and your life. It is an honour to serve, but service will also bring pain, loss, disappointment even ridicule, for there is always balance within the energy of life, the key is to take all the good times and the bad, to use the things you learn to grow strong, do you think you can do that Ella?” she asked.

Ella’s thoughts raced, she saw herself in front of crowds of people talking, her arms waving in the air with intensity, the crowd was smiling at her, and clapping, then she saw herself alone in a darkened room crying with despair, she knew instantly that both those pathways were in front of her, she just wished she could see if she would grow strong from the experiences or wither away, Ella spoke “I am afraid, yet I know, I see and, I feel things “they” are not aware of, somewhere inside me is a desire to live my life how I am supposed to, even if I do not understand what that is at the moment, I will try.”

Ella lowered her head “I think I need to learn how to pray.” She looked up and smiled, Mrs Tanner sat quite still, a single tear escaped from the corner of her eye, she brushed it away. “We must begin your education at once.” As Mrs Tanner began to talk Ella closed her eyes and listened with not just her mind but her body too.

“In Christian societies “ she began “there is a belief that when you die your soul goes to heaven to be with God, yet in a few ancient philosophies there are convictions written into their doctrines, which give not only an afterlife but an expectation of rebirth , which doesn’t exist in the Christian faith.” “What you witnessed in the halls of learning, was a documentation of your past lives, because you were given unasked for access, this means you have in previous lives gathered knowledge which entitles you to be able to give service to others and help them to better their thoughts, minds and emotions.” Mrs Tanner glanced at Ella, Ella feeling her looking opened her eyes and nodded “I do not understand everything but I am listening, I am sure as time goes on, it will all make sense.” “It is so difficult to try and explain everything in a way which is understandable straight away, it is like a jigsaw puzzle, some of the pieces don’t fit at first, you have to keep turning them around until they do.” Mrs Tanner sighed as she spoke, what Ella didn’t know was Mrs Tanner was worried she wouldn’t have time to teach Ella everything she needed, she knew her time of passing was close, she could sense it.

“You have been brought up in the Christian faith so you have inside of you those doctrines, now you must open your heart and mind to other possibilities, the possibilities of life, real life which is endless, be it within a flesh and bones body or in the energy of spirit form.” “I will not form your convictions for you to teach others, you must know what you believe, it must be your truth, I would like you to read about other religions, I know you have already from my books, yet there is so much to know.” Seeing the look of horror on Ella’s face she stopped, pursing her lips she asked, “What’s the matter?” Ella let out a gasp “It all sounds so much!” “How will I learn all of this stuff?” she said. Mrs Tanner replied gently “Child you do not have to learn everything I am talking of, just enough to give you an understanding of different ways of thinking to allow your mind to expand so that when you are older and helping others to find a way through their maze of anguish you will without doubt know your truth.” “It is no good being able to link to Universal energies and give advice if you have no truth of your own.” “Universal energies!?” Ella said her eyes wide open in surprise. “See child, there we go again diverging, for the moment let’s leave the energies in the air.” She said laughing, “You will just have to follow me step by step, twist by twist, turn by turn, so go to the library, you are a member?” Ella nodded “Good, take out some books about Buddhism, Hinduism and Native American religions this should be enough to get you started.” Mrs Tanner sat back, hands clasped, and Ella knew she would hear no more today, standing up she said goodbye to Mrs Tanner and left, going straight to the library.

When Ella left, Mrs Tanner sat in the garden and let her mind wander back to the first time she saw Ella, in her mind’s eye she watched Ella grow, remembered the conversations they had enjoyed, she felt a deep satisfaction her life’s work was coming together, as she stood to pick up the cups and plates she heard the ring of her door bell, another remedy to brew, with that she went to open the door.

Ella went directly to the library, luckily she had her library card in her pocket so had not had to go home and avoid being asked where she was going and, more importantly why. Pushing through the large doors she quickly scanned the name tags helpfully put in large letters above each stack of shelves, so they could be easily seen from the middle of the room, she spotted a row of books labelled religion and made her way over; there were lots, and as she looked she saw they even spread into further book shelves in a row behind, panicking Ella began to grab books without reading the titles, until she had a pile beside her, she sat down on the floor and began to look at each one, reading a little here and there to see if she felt they would help. After a little while she had narrowed the pile into three possiblities, and three certainties, the rest she put carefully back on the shelves, then sitting down again she picked up the first possible. After flicking through and reading odd pages Ella decided that this would do nicely, and put it in the definite pile, and again, doing the same with the other two she decided to put one back. Finally she had two about Buddhism, one quite old book on Hinduism one explaining Judaism that Mrs Tanner hadn’t mentioned but Ella felt she wanted to read, and a further two relating to North American culture and religion. Picking up the books she had chosen she went to the librarian who checked the books out, she needed to have them stamped, the librarian picked up the books and looked at the tittles “Mmmm are you doing a school project?” she asked “No Miss, I just want to learn about different religions.” Said Ella. The lady gave her a hard stare “Don’t you go to Saint Andrew Church; I thought I had seen you there?” Ella nodded “Then you should know Christianity is enough.” The lady said huffily. Ella didn’t know what to say, turning bright red she said “I’m in a bit of a hurry Miss, my mum will have tea ready soon, and I must be on time.” The lady tried again “Are you sure you want to take out these books?” “Yes please.” Ella mumbled hoping she would hurry up and stamp them and stop asking questions. After a pause the lady stamped each book with a loud thump and pushed them across the counter to Ella, who grabbed each one and tucked them under her arm, mumbling a thank you she turned and nearly ran from the library, outside, she stopped for a moment on the steps panting as though she had been running, “Well,” she thought “that must be what Mrs Tanner meant by closed minds.” On her way home she stopped at the twin’s house to borrow a carrier bag, on reaching home, she sprinted in and went straight upstairs to her bedroom, where she hid the bag under her bed and went down for tea.

After tea Ella went back upstairs eager to start her reading, she pulled out the bag and took the first book she put her hands on, it was one of the ones about Buddhism. As soon as she started to read about Siddhartha Gautama the founder of Buddhism, his early life of shelter from pain then later his wanderings into the poverty and distress he had not witnessed in his earlier sheltered life, she was enthralled.

Ella read quickly, soaking up the words, she was startled when her mother opened her bedroom door saying “Its past your bedtime Ella, what on earth are you doing.” Ella pushed the book under the covers and looked guiltily up at her mother. “Nothing mum, just lying here day dreaming.” Mother said “Well get washed and ready for bed, good night.” Left alone Ella slowly got up and went into the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth, she was still in the book and didn’t really want to go to sleep but knew she must as it was a school day tomorrow, she would be tired, so turning off the light Ella climbed into bed and closed her eyes.

Strangely, Ella fell asleep straight away, she began to dream. Ella found herself in a small wooded area, bright sunshine warmed her body, as she looked around she saw six monks sitting on the ground in a circle. Ella jumped back and hid behind a tree, she could hear the sound of one voice, becoming curious, so she peeked out, keeping her body behind the trunk of the tree, she looked closer and as she did so, Ella saw that one of the monks glowed, a bright golden light around his whole body, this was the one that was talking the others, who listened intently, rapture upon their faces.

Ella knew the man was speaking in a different language yet she understood everything he was saying, she sank to her knees and leaning her head against the tree she listened. The man, which she knew by his dress, was a monk, was talking about the wheel of law, suddenly Ella realised she was listening to the Buddha’s first sermon “Setting in motion the wheel of law” which she had been reading about earlier that evening.

Ella relaxed and let herself be washed by the Buddha’s words, and as the sun went down she slipped away into another place, yet her mind was full of the Buddha’s words, and her body full of emotion she did not yet understand, when she was awakened by her mother calling loudly upstairs for her to get up, it took Ella a little while to feel herself in her body, stretching, she got up and made her way downstairs for breakfast.

Ella set off to school, the book carefully placed in her satchel, on the way she met up with the twins, they played hop scotch using the pavement slabs for the layout of the game, laughing they reached school, throughout the day, Ella read the book at every chance she got... by home time she had finished and was anxious to visit Mrs Tanner and talk about her dream and the book.

Ella left the twins at their house and carried on to Mrs Tanners, she barely had chance to ring the bell before the door shot open, Mrs Tanner had been waiting and had seen Ella walking up the road, hence was ready for her arrival.

Ella went straight into the kitchen, Mrs Tanner was already bustling around warming up the kettle, and quickly opening a new packet of biscuits, which Ella took gratefully, as she sat down by the table. With her mouth full of biscuit, Ella excitedly told Mrs Tanner the books she had taken from the library, and all about the attitude of the lady who worked there, and lastly what had happened as she slept.

Mrs Tanner didn’t say a word until Ella had finished her enthusiastic story, then clutching both Ella’s hands she beamed “Wonderful child, wonderful.” “You are so blessed, I myself, and to my knowledge none of my forebears have been allowed such an honour.” She continued to beam her head bobbing up and down as if on a string, Ella enjoyed the moment. Finally Ella asked “So what does this mean?” Mrs Tanner stopped smiling and frowned “Well Ella I feel the lady in the library was a lesson, you see, she is what I was talking about, people with closed minds who try to make others conform to their beliefs and make you feel uncomfortable if you think differently.” Ella nodded “Yes, I was embarrassed I didn’t know what to say.” Mrs Tanner patted Ella’s hand “Never mind dear, in future, when you have gathered your own thoughts and ideas you will be able to find the words you need.” “Now tell me about the Buddha.”

So Ella recounted everything she had seen and heard, Mrs Tanner sat back listening intently, she watched Ella growing more and more animated, her hands waving in the air as she spoke. “Ah” thought Mrs Tanner “she will be okay, she has the spirit, and the power within.” When Ella got to the part where she had seen the glowing energy around the Buddha she asked “What was this?” Mrs Tanner thought for a moment “The glow you saw was the aura around the Buddha, everyone has this energy remember, you have seen it before, only this time it was radiance usually unseen.” Ella was silent for a moment, chewing her lip and nodding slowly as she digested what Mrs Tanner had said. “Why am I having all these dreams?” “They are so real.” “It is your spirit teachers who are showing you these things, they seem real because they are, only you are making these journeys in your spirit body not your physical body.”

Mrs Tanner let Ella think a little before continuing “When you are in these places do you feel alone?” “No, I feel Tom with me, I thought when I was small he was just an imaginary friend, but now I know he is real.” “There are others though.” Ella added as an afterthought. “Yes, I am sure there are, you probably have a whole team of guides with you, in time you will begin to know them all I am sure.” “To feel your guides and allow them to pass information to you, you will need to learn to meditate, to empty your mind, let’s try it for a moment, close your eyes and focus your mind onto one sound.” Ella closed her eyes and listened, soon she found she heard the ticking of the kitchen clock, as she listened it grew louder until she could hear nothing else.” “Now Ella said Mrs Tanner quietly “Let the sound you have chosen drift away until you cannot hear it and you sink into a space with nothing, stay there until your mind starts to wander, then open your eyes to let me know.” Ella tried hard to let go of the sound as soon as she did she heard a bird outside chirping, she quickly went back to the clock, tick tock, tick tock, trying again she focus into a deep part of herself and as she did s she slipped into a bright light, and then just as suddenly out again. Ella opened her eyes and found Mrs Tanner staring at her, shaking her head Ella said “Wow that was hard.” Mrs Tanner patted her hand “It takes practice you did very well for a first try.” “Thank you for your help.” Ella said “But I need to go now as mother will have my tea on the table and tonight I am going to play with the twins and Rufus, we are taking him for a walk by the lake.” “You run along then dear, don’t forget to read and we will meet tomorrow?” It was a question, Mrs Tanner didn’t want to push Ella too hard yet she was aware that she must guide her.

Ella ate her tea quickly and helped clear the table, hopping up and down on one leg she asked if she could go to the twin’s house, mother said fine, but added that she must be back by eight o’clock. Ella skipped out of the door and down the road to the twins. They already had their coats on and were looking out of the window when she arrived, rushing out of the front door with Rufus barking madly in excitement, they all made their way onto the path to the lake.

Rufus ran backwards and forwards his nose glued to the path stopping now and again, looking back to check the girls were all following, and then running onwards as soon as he saw they were. The girls followed at a slower pace, stopping to watch a large black beetle lumbering across the path, and poke a stick into a large ants nest screaming with delight when the whole mass of tiny animals converged to repair the damage. They reached the lake seconds behind Rufus, he was standing on the bank barking madly at some ducks. “No!” the twins shouted in unison “NO!” Rufus stopped and wandered off to examine a bush looking a little shame faced.

Helen pushed a hand into her pocket and pulled out a bag of bread, holding it up she cried gleefully “Look mother gave me all the crusts she has been saving them for us.” Opening the bag, she shared the bread between the three girls, they began to break it into tiny pieces and throw it into the water. Immediately they were surrounded by all kinds of ducks, coots and even a large white swan, who tried to scare the smaller birds away, by opening his ample white wings and flapping them vigorously, it didn’t work, the other birds ignored him, and he had to take his turn like all the others.

When all the bread was devoured Betty looked at her watch and exclaimed “We had better get home, mother said we must be back at seven thirty and it is twenty past six now!” Calling to Rufus who had found a rabbit hole and was trying very hard to get into it, they started back up the path towards home. Rufus seeing they were leaving rushed after them, overtaking, he led the way home.

At the twins gate, Ella left them “See you in the morning.” she called and walked home to her own house, she loved being with the twins but was anxious to start to read another of the books she had brought from the library, so when she reached home she kissed her mother and father goodnight, quickly washed her face and brushed her teeth, not bothering to brush her hair she slipped into her pyjamas, then reaching into the bag, still hidden under her bed she pulled out another book Judaism. Soon Ella was lost in the world of the Jewish people realising that the beliefs in Christianity and Judaism criss-crossed each other, as she read her eyes grew tired and heavy the book slipped out of her hands, she was asleep. Later mother came to tell Ella it was time to switch off the light, seeing Ella was asleep she quietly crossed the room and picked up the fallen book, closing it, she glanced at the cover, on seeing what it was, she opened it and read a little, lips in a thin uncompromising line, she put the book on Ella’s night stand, switched off the light and left the room.

Ella spent a dreamless night and awoke fresh and ready to greet the day. Going downstairs to breakfast she opened the kitchen door to find both her parents sitting at the breakfast table, this was unusual as her father had normally left for the office before Ella came down. She greeted them happily and sat down. “Ella.” Her father began “What is the book you are reading?” Ella looked up from the toast she had been busy buttering “The book!” she repeated, knowing full well what he meant. Ella’s father didn’t speak and the silence grew louder, Ella broke it “I am just interested in different faiths:” She faltered “I want to know what they believe and how they practice:” “Is this anything to do with Mrs Tanner?” “We know she has strange ways.” Ella thought “Oh no!” But she said calmly “In a way, but I really want to find out what I believe for myself and reading about other religions is one way.” “I have these funny dreams you see.” Ella stopped, not wanting to explain, as she knew her parents would not approve nor understand. “If you want to find out about religion you can ask the vicar.” Mother said gruffly. “Yes, I know but he only has one point of view.” Ella cried. “That’s because there is only one point of view.” Ella’s father snapped. “Have you got any more books?” Ella shifted uncomfortably in her chair “A couple.” She mumbled “And what are those about?” She told them, then went on to tell them about her dreams of the halls of learning and the Buddha, as they listened, their faces became etched with frowns, growing deeper as Ella became more animated. Father cleared his throat “Now Ella, it was just a dream, we all have strange dreams sometimes, they are just dreams you know.” “But they feel so real,” Ella nearly shouted “It is as though I am there,” I am there.” she added sulkily. Her parents glanced at each other, they were at a loss what to say, their look said; they had taken Ella to church since she was a baby, had given her every opportunity to have a deep Christian upbringing and now? Finally mother spoke “I have been worried about Mrs Tanners influence on you for a long time, perhaps it is best if you stop going to see her.” It wasn’t a question Ella knew that. Tears sprung out of each corner of her eyes “But, but I love going to Mrs Tanners we have cups of tea, cakes and talk!” she wailed. Mother pursed her lips “I am sorry Ella but you are no longer allowed to visit Mrs Tanner.” And with that she got up and started clearing the table, Ella knew there was no room for discussion.

Giving Ella and mother a kiss each on the cheek, father left for work, outwardly everything seemed normal. For Ella her whole world was swirling around, she felt dizzy and wanted to run away and cry, which she did, a moment later, in the bathroom, taps running so the sound of the water would drown the noise of her pain. Deep retching sobs escaped from her, never had she felt so alone, sinking down on the bathroom floor she allowed the tears to fall until she could cry no more. Getting up she splashed her face with cold water brushed her teeth and braided her hair into plaits, smiling grimly at herself in the mirror she left for school, Ella had changed.

Normally obedient Ella had no intention of giving up her friendship with Mrs Tanner so after school she made her way to Mrs Tanner’s house ready for her next lesson.

The sun was shining so they sat in the garden, homemade lemonade and a chocolate digestive biscuit to hand. Ella had decided not to tell Mrs Tanner that she was not supposed to be there in case she told Ella to go home. “Tell me about the aura.” Ella said “Well the aura is an energy which surrounds the physical body it has different levels.” “Levels?” interjected Ella “Yes, the first is the nearest to the physical body, it kind of holds everything in place, because it is the closest to the body it is the densest.” “Densest?” “Heaviest, strongest, it is hard to describe you will know when you see it.” Smiled Mrs Tanner “The next ring is the emotional level this is where all you emotions are stored over the years, right from birth, and they shine as different colours showing your feelings both past and present, even future!” “This is the easiest to connect with and see as it is usually the strongest.” “Then the mental level which can be a clear yellow, sometimes with a bluey green tinge, this holds the thoughts, attitudes and mental programming.” “Mental programming, what’s that?” Ella said “You know what a program is?” “Yes, A kind of plan for something?” Ella replied “Yes, a plan, well everything has or is a plan like those roses over there.” Mrs Tanner said pointing with a stubby finger “When they were planted they already had a genetic plan inside given to them by their “Parents,” the plant they were taken from, and so they grew into larger bushes, with the program to produce pink flowers every summer, but, they also needed help, so I, because they are in my garden, and under my care, must take off the old flower heads so more can grow, if I didn’t do that then eventually they would have no new branches to flower onto and would die.” Ella thought about this, “So you mean I am programmed by my parents and that is why they stop me from doing things sometimes, it is like pruning a rose bush?” “Exactly!” Mrs Tanner radiated with a smile. “All of our emotional, mental and even physical are a plan some of which we have inside us at birth, and like you some wake up to their previous knowledge and some just absorb the knowledge they are fed by family, teachers, friends and society.” “Wow so I am not really me then, am I?” Said Ella sitting bolt upright in her chair. “No you are not until you have decided what you want to believe, to feel, to accept.” “I have to make my own mind up about life.” Ella said slowly savouring each word. “At the moment Ella you are a sum of your parents, teachers even me! If you are going to travel the path which is being set out in front of you then you will have to find your own identity and that may mean throwing away ideas you have held dear, and Ella that includes ones from me.” Ella let her eyes drift over the garden still angry with her parents, she had made Mrs Tanner a God and was not ready yet to listen to that part of the conversation. “I must go, it is getting late.” Snatching up her school bag Ella hurried out, already making up her cover story, not liking to lie but knowing her mother would ask where she had been. Ella arrived home just as tea was being served, luckily Harry had brought home a science project he had done at school so everyone’s attention was on him and no one asked. Ella silently breathed a sigh of relief.

After tea Ella went to her room and lay down on the bed to read her book, two hours later feeling tired she got ready for bed, slipped under the covers and closed her eyes falling into a deep sleep; immediately she began to dream.

Ella found herself in a large building, at first it looked like a church, but as she looked around she saw the Star of David and realised she was in a synagogue. In the centre of the room was a raised platform and on the east wall she could see the cupboard she knew was called an Ark, where the Torah, handwritten over years and read throughout the services, during the year, was placed. The light “Ner Tamid,” kept burning always to symbolise Gods presence in the lives of Jews. On the walls were paintings, abstract and beautiful. As Ella looked around she felt the powerful energy created by the chanting, singing and reading of the holy scrolls. “Being a Jew is a way of life” she thought, and with that the picture drifted away.

Morning came and Ella woke early and sat in bed finishing her book, she was getting used to the dreams now and knew they were an important part of her learning, as much as the books she was reading and the talks with Mrs Tanner.

Walking to school with the twins she felt relaxed and happy, the twins were telling her about Rufus’s latest game, stealing their socks and hiding them in his bed, they both spoke at once, their words tumbling over each other, making Ella laugh as she tried to decipher the story.

The day passed quickly, Ella had enjoyed it, as she had a whole afternoon of art and drama, as she skipped home with the twins, they talked about going to the lake with a picnic if their respective mothers would allow them, and of course, hopefully make sandwiches for them. They left each other on the corner of the road and agreed to meet up in half an hour unless somebody’s mother said no, then they would run to each other’s house to say so.

Ella bounced through the door and told her mother what she and the twins had planned. Mother was relieved she was going out with friends and not to that awful woman’s house (for this was what she privately thought about Mrs Tanner) dutifully made sandwiches, enough to share, and popped three pieces of chocolate cake, baked the day before and covered in gooey chocolate icing, into a plastic container making it easy for Ella to carry. She wondered if the cake would last until the lake. Finding an old bread bag she stuffed some stale bread, biscuits and cake in for the ducks and put everything in a larger bag for Ella to carry. Ella filled a plastic bottle with orange juice, picked up the bag and set off to meet the twins. They were already waiting for her, together they set off to walk through the small copse to the woods.

Rufus had his ball in his mouth, putting it carefully down each time he stopped at a tree to check out who in the dog world had been there before him, then his investigations over, picking it up and running in front of the girl’s with tail high in the air. They reached the lake and found a place to set out the picnic near to the water’s edge.

The ducks watched them from a distance, waiting to see if they would be offered some food, Rufus lay panting his tongue hanging out, the ball under one of his front paws, he was also hopeful that a spare sandwich would come his way, and of course it did. The girls ate slowly chatting about the paintings they had done that day, Betty loved art and wanted to be a painter, she knew all about the famous painters from the past Rembrandt, and Picasso and many of the other great painters, she loved to visit exhibitions when they were in the city, occasionally her Grandmother had taken her all the way to London to visit the National Art Gallery, one of the few times she had been separated from Helen.

She talked animatedly about some colours she had mixed earlier and as she did so Ella noticed a glow around her, not like the Buddha’s glow but a ring full of colours green, oranges, reds, purples and yellows floating around Betty as she talked and as she became more excited the colours seemed to grow stronger and more vibrant. Ella watched fascinated, startled by Betty poking her hard in the shoulder “You’re not listening!” “Sorry, I drifted off.” Ella said “You looked like you were watching something, were you? What was it?” Ella blushed, “Nothing just daydreaming.” She tried to sound nonchalant. Betty gave her a hard stare “Never mind, come on lets feed the ducks, mother gave us some bread!” Ella relieved Betty was changing the subject, she pulled out the bag of bits her mother had given her, it was quite a large bag she held it up “Wow we have a lot between us, the ducks will get very fat!” They started to thrown tiny bits onto the water, the ducks that had been patiently waiting on the other side of the lake swam over, and within seconds they were surrounded by all kinds of hungry birds.

When they had given all the crumbs to the ducks and some larger pieces to the swan that had brought his mate with him this time, they played ball with Rufus who ran after the ball, tail wagging, barking madly, only stopping when he picked up the ball, to then run back and drop it in front of the girls. They all played happily together until it was time to pack up and walk home. Picking up their litter they started towards home. Ella was feeling guilty, she had not visited Mrs Tanner so when she got home she went straight to bed and started the next book.

The book which explained the Hindu religion was not easy to read, but as Ella persevered she realised that underlying all of the religions she had been reading about was a central theme of one God, surrounded by helpers be they angels, profits, vicars or monks, sets of rules laid down to the followers, a heaven, a hell.

Ella knew she was wrapping up what she was reading in a nutshell, but she understood now why Mrs Tanner wanted her to read about religion and make her own decisions, she closed the book half read, “I will finish them all” she said to herself, thinking of the unopened Buddhism one, but now I know I must find out what I believe in. Ella turned off the light and went to sleep.

Ella found herself walking in the middle of a meadow it was filled with “moon pennies,” strangely the sun was high in the sky, for a moment she was disorientated. Ella shook herself, looking around she could see nothing but grass filled with moon penny flowers, not a sign of anything else. She lay down and looked up into the sky, it was a light blue colour with no clouds at all, she was at peace, realising this she let the feeling run through her body, she felt older than her twelve years, unsure why she had found herself here, she closed her eyes and decided not to question but to enjoy.

Ella drifted, her mind filled with colours, she watched them as they flitted past her inner eye, suddenly, she felt a hand on her arm, startled she sat up and found a small boy sitting beside her. “Sorry.” He said “Didn’t mean to frighten you.” The boy grinned “What the....” Ella spluttered pushing her hair back, she straightened up “Where did you come from?” “I’m Peter.” “I live over there,” he said waving his hand across the field “With my grandmother, she told me to come and say hello.” “Well hello Peter.” Ella said with a smile “I thought I was alone.” “You are never alone Ella, I have been visiting you ever since you were born.” “Why?” questioned Ella “Well I used to live in the house where you were born, the unmarried mothers place, and when you were born I recognised you from a former life with you, I could see that you were one of the gifted ones, so I stayed with you.” “But why? What are you hanging around me for, I don’t understand?” Ella shook her head, this was all too confusing. Peter patted her arm, “In another life I served you as a helot wet nurse, indeed I was a woman during that time, I later became your nanny taking care of you until you grew and married, you were kind to me, protected me from being sold, as your husband wanted, eventually I died of food poisoning.” “But why are you a boy and so young?” Ella asked her arms out stretched “I was born into a loving family fifty or so years ago, but I got consumption when I was eight and died. I have been in the spirit world ever since.” “When I saw you I just wanted to be with you, I have watched you playing with your friends and listened when you talk to Mrs Tanner, which is very interesting by the way.” “What am I supposed to do?” Ella asked “Nothing I am here to serve you again, to thank you, and to learn from you so that I can reincarnate with new knowledge.” “How will I know when you are around?” Ella said not quite believing what happening, part of her was thinking she must be dreaming, yet knowing she was not. “I will touch you on your shoulder so that you know it is me, you must go back now Ella I will see you soon.” Ella looked around her and saw she was in her bed in her room; she rubbed her eyes and shook her head not quite believing she was there. Ella got up, she felt as though she had not slept, yawning, she made her way downstairs, another day was beginning.

Ella knew she had to talk to Mrs Tanner, this made her uncomfortable because she had been banned from doing so, all day she fought with herself so she missed most of what was taught that day. At home time she ran all the way to Mrs Tanners leaving the twins to walk home alone, so rare was it that Ella did not accompany them home the twins discussed it as they wandered along, coming to the conclusion that Ella was sometimes quite strange.

Ella burst into Mrs Tanners and threw herself into the nearest chair and without even saying hello, told her about the latest dream. Mrs Tanner placed a glass of juice in Ella’s hand without interrupting her flow, Ella, words tumbling, paused only once to take a large gulp of juice before carrying on. When she reached the end of her story she put the glass down with a bang “Well! What do you think?” “I think that it is wonderful you are having so many experiences,” Though privately Mrs Tanner was concerned that events were moving so fast and would be too much for Ella “What do you think?” “I’m not sure; it’s exciting and scary... I think I understand what the dreams are telling me, I know they are real; I want to tell mother and father, even the twins, but am scared because I think they won’t understand.” Ella was silent, she waited to hear what Mrs Tanner would say.

Mrs Tanner knew Ella was right, there were few people in Ella’s life who would comprehend everything she was experiencing, and as for her parents, although lovely people, they would be angry and confused by Ella if she revealed what she dreamt. She said carefully “I know you must want to tell people, but perhaps you should wait until you have more information and a better way of explaining, it is up to you though, I cannot direct you not to tell your family and friends for it is not my place to do so.” Ella knew Mrs Tanner was right, her parents would think she had gone mad, and the twins, well they would try to understand but probably think she was a bit potty.

“So, you have met someone from a past life? You will probably meet others as they make themselves known to you, eventually you will sit with your teachers.” “When?” Ella said expectantly “I don’t know dear, come, let’s go into the sitting room and practise emptying the mind.”

Mrs Tanner and Ella sat together in silence, Ella struggling to let go of all the thoughts which were whirling around in her head, at last they were gone, she found herself in a place of emptiness and quiet, the thoughts crept back, she opened her eyes, only to find Mrs Tanner fast asleep. Smiling, Ella quietly let herself out and went home for tea.

In the living room Harry was watching Cracker Jack on the television, Ella lay down on the floor to watch too. On top of the television was a large plant, she didn’t know what its name was, but liked the way it flowered once every year. Watching the television, her attention was drawn to the plant and as she looked she saw a shimmering silver energy around it, in places it looked almost black, and she had the urge to touch its leaves. Ella fought the impulse for a while, until she had to give in and touch the plant, going over to it she gently stroked the leaves, Harry shouted at her to move as she was blocking his view so she picked up the plant and put it on the window sill, standing with it for a few moments she felt her hands tingle and burn as she carried on stroking and murmuring niceties to the plant, a few moments later the feeling left her fingers and she put the plant gently back on the television and carried on watching the show. Glancing at the plant she saw the energy had changed the dark places had grown light again and amazingly the plant seemed to be straighter. After Cracker Jack had finished they all ate tea together and Ella put the plant out of her mind.

Later that evening she read some of her book, mostly she skimmed through picking out chapters she felt she should read and missing others, Ella had the information she felt she needed but felt obligated to finish reading too.

The next day Ella took the books to school with her, she had decided to return them to the library, so she asked the twins if they wanted to come with her, of course they did, and were curious when reaching the library, Ella took out the books and placed them on the counter. Helen picked up the book on North American Indian religion raising her eyebrows she turned to Ella and said “heavy!” Betty and Helen giggled, Ella joined in and was relieved when the twins wandered over to the equestrian section, instantly becoming absorbed in one of the books.

They eventually left the library and wandered home, leaving them on the corner Ella made her way to her house, as soon as she opened the door, her mother called to her “Ella come here! Look at this!” Ella went into the living room where her mother was standing admiring the plant on the television, overnight it had produced a large red flower. “It has never flowered at this time of year before, isn’t it beautiful?” Ella looked and looked again “wow!” she breathed “it is lovely.” “Come and help me set the table.” mother said, walking out of the room. Ella followed slowly, she didn’t know what to make of the plant “did I do that?” she asked herself and went to help mother with tea. Ella went to bed early and dreamt of gardens and flowers in the morning she awoke refreshed and ready for a new day.

Over the next few weeks the days flew by, Ella divided her time between playing with the twins and learning from Mrs Tanner. She had grown more used to seeing energy, around people, animals and plants, and was beginning to feel the colours and what they meant, sometimes she could feel if someone was upset or ill, it made her feel sad, she told Mrs Tanner who said she must realise the feelings were not hers, so don’t keep them, Ella found this difficult to do but tried to remember.

Mrs Tanner had explained more levels of the aura, Ella was fascinated by each one, she learnt about the astral body, it was the one she took with her on her journeys, and the etheric template, which kept the other levels in place on the spiritual plane. The celestial layer enhancing the feelings of ecstasy and love, not that Ella was quite sure what that meant, but she loved the name Celestial! Finally, the Ketheric layer which spreads out into the universe, in a shimmering glow of golden light.

Ella had listened enthralled to all Mrs Tanner had told her, she had begun to look closely at, and feel everything around her. Ella had found some books on colour and their meanings in the workroom at school and every chance she got Ella questioned her art teacher about colours. The art teacher was happy to tell Ella all she knew, and soon Ella was able to sense an auric colour and give it meaning, the only drawback being, Mrs Tanner was the only person she could tell.

Mrs Tanner had shown Ella some old books filled with drawings of the aura, in each drawing was a picture of what Mrs Tanner said was a thing called the chakras, Ella was anxious to learn about these and pressed Mrs Tanner to talk about them, but Mrs Tanner said she must wait until she had mastered the aura and learnt more about herself. Ella was impatient.

Ella went to church on Sunday, with her brother and parents, they sat in a pew and Ella listened as the vicar gave the sermon, he talked of love and forgiveness, of helping others and giving without expecting anything in return. When the vicar had finished he asked the congregation to kneel in prayer as Ella slid to her knees she caught sight of mothers friend Mrs Hampton, it reminded her of what she had overheard before they had gone into church. Mrs Hampton had been talking to mother complaining that she had given help to someone named Jenny and how she had not been thanked, how ungrateful this person was, and how Mrs Hampton was not going to forgive her any time soon. Ella bent her head in prayer and asked God why when people came to church every Sunday and listened to the sermons, but they did not learn anything? Ella waited for an answer but none came, by the time they all stood to sing “God in Heaven” with gusto she had forgotten all about Mrs Hampton.

Later that day, Ella was reminded of her thoughts when mother remarked to father that Mrs Hampton was always saying how much she did for others, yet, would not help clean the church hall, or come to the family service with mother and her friends and hand out clothes for the poor, “she thinks it is beneath her” mother said. Ella sitting quietly in the back of the car started thinking about the sermon and peoples attitude again, she had seen a man kick a small dog away from his butcher’s shop the other week, the dog obviously homeless and hungry so Ella had gone in and bought some bones to give to it. The dog snatched the bone and ran off down the street probably thinking Ella might take it back if he stayed, Ella had frowned at the butcher as she walked past. She understood he could not encourage the dog to beg at the door, but there was no need to kick the animal.

Ella did not understand why people were mean to each other; the children at school could be horrible, especially the older pupils to the smaller ones, Ella was always getting into arguments with the them when she heard or saw them taunting a small crying child, this drew their attention to her, not always a pleasant experience but at least she had the twins to stand up for her, some of the children were too afraid but the twins were fierce about their friend.

Mrs Tanner was always using the phrase service to others, she herself gave much of her time helping at the local charity shop and making potions for people who couldn’t afford to pay. She was always cheerful and had a kind word to say, as Ella thought about this an expression popped into her mind “by example,” “Yes,” she whispered to herself “By example.” “What’s that dear?” Mother said looking back over her shoulder “Oh nothing, I was just talking to myself:” Ella replied. The rest of the journey home passed in silence.

Before leaving for church mother had put the roast in the oven and set it on a low heat, the potatoes and vegetable were in water ready to switch on so whilst mother busied herself fine tuning the lunch, Ella went upstairs to change out of her Sunday best and into shorts and a T-shirt, after lunch she was going to visit the twins.

Coming downstairs Ella went into the living room, father was asleep in front of the news, she went over and turned the television to a film that was showing, instantly his eyes flew open “I was watching that, turn it back.” Ella put the news back on, sighing she left the room and went to see if she could help in the kitchen, mother set her to putting the dishes away from breakfast so there would be room to wash up after lunch.

Ella ate quickly and as soon as she was finished asked if she might go to the twin’s house “you’re sure that is where you are going?” said mother, referring without saying to the ban put on visiting Mrs Tanner. Ella nodded, pleased she was telling the truth, “be back by seven,” mother called as Ella shot through the door “will do!” Ella shouted running down the drive. Ella ran all the way only slowing when she had to cross the road, once at the twins house Ella knocked on the door and waited patiently for it to be opened. Betty opened the door and waved her in “We are making paper flowers.” she said “come on.” Ella followed her into the dining room where a mass of colourful sheets of crepe paper were littered over the table, mixed with large paper flowers in various degrees of completion. “Here you can finish this one.” Helen thrusting a half completed flower into her hands “we are going to put them in our bedrooms,” Betty explained. The girls spent the afternoon making piles of flowers in various shapes and colours as they worked, they talked about all sorts of things, from what they loved at school to how much Helen hated spiders, it was a comfortable happy afternoon. It was twenty to seven before Ella realised the time, jumping up she exclaimed she must run home quickly or she would be late, so leaving the twins in amongst the mess they had all made she hurried up the road towards home.

Passing by the entrance to “the gennel,” which was a short cut from her road to the next one, along she heard moaning, stopping to listen a faint voice in the darkness said “help me.” Ella turned and went into the gennel “hello.” She called “are you alright?” “Over here.” The voice said, Ella walked cautiously towards where she heard the voice as her eyes became used to the darkness she could make out the outline of an old man lying on the ground; he was clutching his arm “I think it’s broken, I slipped on the moss, can you run and get help? I can’t get up.” “Of course, I won’t be long my house is just over there.” Ella ran so fast she thought her lungs might burst barging into the house shouting “father! Father!” as she went. Father came out of the living room “What’s all this shouting be quiet Ella!” Ella red in the face and panting gasped “An old man fallen in the gennel, help.” “You stay here.” father said sharply and pulled on his coat “tell mother to call an ambulance.” Mother hearing the commotion was already in the hall she lifted the telephone to dial, after she had spoken to the ambulance service she told Ella to get something to eat and get ready for bed “I will go and wait for the ambulance with father.” “But, but.” Stuttered Ella “No buts, well done for helping but it may take a while to sort this out I will come and tell you what has happened when I get home.” “Even if it is late?” Ella asked “yes, now go and eat.” With that mother left, Ella ate as slowly as she dared, then after they had not returned she went upstairs to bed. It seemed like hours before mother came into her room but it could only have been thirty minutes or so “is he alright?” Ella said “yes, it was a nasty fall, he is bruised and his arm is broken but thanks to you he will be okay, she went over and kissed Ella on the top of the head, “go to sleep now, well done.”

In the darkness of her room Ella glowed, not only had she helped the man but mother had kissed her.

The next day was Friday, and was unusual only because the twins were off school with a cold leaving Ella unable to tell them what had happened the previous night. Ella was looking forward to Saturday as she had decided to visit Mrs Tanner, so on the way home she popped into the twins, both were tucked up in front of the television wrapped in blankets, a box of tissues each and a glass of juice at their sides. Ella covered her mouth with hand, she did not want a cold, so when she talked her words were muffled, the twins thought this was very funny and started laughing, which in turn brought on a coughing fit, Ella left as quickly as she could.

That evening father brought home fish and chips wrapped in newspaper from the local chip shop, the batter was lovely and crispy around the fish and the chips were smothered with salt and vinegar “Mmmm,” Ella ate every last bit from the paper then threw it in the bin, wiped her mouth on the back of her hand then thought she had better wash her hands before she did anything else. Mother had received a call from the man she had helped to say thank you and let them know he was now feeling allot better, though his arm would be in a plaster cast for the next six weeks. The whole family watched the Friday night movie, a detective thriller and when it was finished Ella went to bed.

In the morning she awoke early, going down stairs she saw it was only seven thirty, no one else was awake, making herself a cup of tea and slice of toast and marmalade, she wondered if it was too early to go to Mrs Tanners, deciding the old lady wouldn’t mind she dressed and wrote a note for her parents “gone for a walk, may visit the twins, love Ella x.” Feeling a little guilty at actually writing the lie down, she thought she would go and visit the twins later, then at least some of what she had written would be true.

Ella trotted down the road to Mrs Tanners and rang the bell, Mrs Tanner opened the door in her dressing gown eyes raised she said “are you alright Ella? It is very early.” Ella looked a bit sheepish, “yes I just wanted to talk to you, sorry I am here so early, should I go and come back later?” “No, no, you can make some tea, have you eaten?” “I had some toast before I left the house but could eat some more.” Ella grinned, she was always hungry. They made tea and buttered toast together sitting in comfortable silence as they ate, when they had finished Ella washed the dishes while Mrs Tanner got dressed. The sun was shining brightly, now it was going to be a hot day so they went into the garden and sat down, Ella looked expectantly at Mrs Tanner “so, what have you been up to Ella?”

Ella had nearly forgotten about the man in the alley, so intent had she been on wanting to hear about the chakras. She told Mrs Tanner what had happened and that the man was fine now. “Good, good.” Ella could wait no longer “please tell me about the chakras.” She pleaded. Mrs Tanner smiled “first you must relax and balance your mind and emotions, so close your eyes and just let go of everything for a moment, then I will begin.” Ella relaxed back into the chair and let her mind empty, she felt her body sinking down into the cushion, in a few seconds she was completely relaxed, mind empty, staying that way and enjoying the feeling of nothing. Ella drifted for a while, a bird squawking loudly rudely brought her out of her deep void, she opened her eyes to find Mrs Tanner looking dreamily into the distance. Ella cocked her head on one side and coughed “ah, you are back child; I was off with the fairies.” Mrs Tanner said smiling. “ right, the chakras, this is again a large subject which in time you will add bits to, so I am going to tell you the basics, as you start to connect, and “see” the aura and chakras, I am sure you will discover their deeper meaning, it is not something that you can just learn it takes time, practice, and all kinds of knowledge, do you understand that Ella? All of the things we are talking about are not something you will learn quickly, time is on your side, but discipline at the moment is not.” Mrs Tanner was being quite stern, unusual for her, so Ella knew it was important.

“There are roughly 88,000 energy centres in our body which assimilate, process and express our energy some call this chi, the word chakra comes from a Sanskrit word meaning, “wheel” it comes from an ancient language Indi-Aryan and is used in the Hindu ayavidas, you read something about those?” Ella nodded, she wanted her to go on. “The energy is thought to spin as a vortexes throughout the body, some very tiny and some forming the centres known as the chakras, seven large ones down the centre of your body and easily seen by those who have the gift.

Each of these larger chakras governs specific mental, physical and emotional elements of ourselves and hold patterns, much the same as the aura, but more intense.” Mrs Tanner paused “Is this too confusing for you?” She asked. Ella said honestly “I don’t really understand any of this yet I feel it, does that make sense?” “Yes, dear it does.” “When I make a potion for someone, often I don’t know why I want to use particular herbs, I just do, so part of what I prepare is from old recipes, and part from intuition or a gut feeling.” She took a deep breath “I know this is hard for you, it is for me too, I never imagined I would ever been teaching someone all these things, so I am feeling my way trying to listen to my guides.”

“Guides!” Ella interjected sharply “When will I be able to do that?” “You will know when you are being guided Ella, and in time as you go into the silence you will recognise help when it comes this, is why it is important for you to learn to still your mind.” “And you already know Tom and Peter don’t you?” Ella nodded vigorously “but.” She faltered, “Ella there are no buts, everything will come in good time, patience child that’s what you have to learn.” Mrs Tanner groaned inside and silently offered a prayer “please let me teach Ella the right way, I feel so lost.” In an instant Mrs Tanner knew she could only do her best, she let go of the tight feeling in her stomach and relaxed, here she was trying to get Ella to relax and let the information flow and she was uptight, giving a little laugh Mrs Tanner continued letting the words flow. “We are going to concentrate on the seven major chakras; the first is called the root, most people say it is red in colour but I see and feel it filled with colours depending on how the person is feeling, think about root like a tree, the energy is connected to childhood and so is influenced by parents, grandparents, environment, teachers, friends, for instance yours has been affected by me, the twins as well as your family.” She continued “It is developed from when you are born to around seven years old of course it is not a hard and fast rule as some will develop early, others later.” “Are there any books I can read?” Ella asked “Yes I have a few on the bookshelf, in the dining room two by Charles Webster Leadbeater, The Chakras and Man, and Visible and Invisible, they are quite heavy to read as they use a lot of old English, but perhaps you can look through them there is also an interesting one by Peter Kelder, The Original Five Tibetan Rites of Rejuvenation.

The Five Tibetan Rites is a yoga routine based on a ritual of exercises discovered in the early 1900′s, by a Colonel Bradford a British army colonel, who was living in a Himalayan monastery. That particular book has some interesting ideas for what is called spinning, but I will let you read it as it has too much in it to sit and tell you.” “Next is the sacral chakra which spins just below your tummy button.” and she poked Ella playfully in the stomach, Ella laughed, and wriggled away, “This one is about you, how you feel about yourself as a girl based around how your emotions are working,” it also relates to your sexuality thought Mrs Tanner, but Ella is too young for that explanation. Exclaiming hand over her mouth “I forgot! The energies also relate to the body, for instance if someone comes to me with leg problems, I always see if they have any childhood issues they have not got over or that have popped up in their lives, with stomach related problems, then often they have a negative self-image.” “Sorry Ella, there so much to remember!” “So the energy centres affect the areas where they are?” Ella said slowly. “Yes that’s right, so next is the solar plexus chakra and this is all about inner relationships with yourself and others, you know what Ella, I think I will make you a chart with everything written down, that would make it easier wouldn’t it?” “Oh yes, this is all so much and I am getting confused, but will that be difficult for you, do you have time, I mean?” “Ella! What do I have to do these days? Of course I have time, I will do it today then you can fetch it tomorrow.” Ella was pleased, she had been trying hard to follow everything Mrs Tanner had been saying but kept getting lost, this also meant she could go and visit the twins so making her note true, all in all she was very happy. Mrs Tanner realising it was all too much for Ella, gave her a ham and mustard sandwich and a glass of milk. When Ella left, Mrs Tanner began immediately, getting out a large sheet of paper to make an understandable chart for Ella.

On the way to the twins house Ella realised she had not picked up the books Mrs Tanner had suggested, she stopped, and was about to go back, then remembered she could get them tomorrow when she went for the chart. Arriving at the twins’ house, she was greeted by Rufus running madly round in circles, he was full of energy as the twins had been too sick to take him for a walk the day before. Ella said she would take him to the woods and throw a stick for him if they liked. The twins thought this was a great idea, they were too ill to go out so Ella set off with Rufus walking by her side, they spent a wonderful hour chasing each other, with Rufus fetching the stick Ella threw for him. On the way back to the twins house Ella thought how everything had worked out perfectly, she had said on her note a walk, well she had taken a walk now, and visiting the twins, that was next, a satisfied Ella went into the house and spent the rest of the day playing Ludo with the girls.

The next day Ella was anxious to go to Mrs Tanners and see the chart, but first Ella had to go church. Ella’s feelings about religion were changing, she was beginning to widen her view of spirituality, so instead of listening to the sermon as she had done in the past, she let her eyes wander around the church and over the people in the pews to the front of her, as she watched, she could see the energy around them, she felt the colours, there was Mrs Parker - Harrington surrounded by reds, oranges, and dark green, Ella decided her energy felt prickly and overpowering, which Ella actually knew Mrs Parker-Harrington to be. Then she turned her attention to Mr Jones, a small man who had had a stroke earlier in the year; when she looked at his aura she could see clouds of blues and pinks with dark grey patches moving and showing sporadically throughout the whole “auric bubble.” Instinctively, Ella knew they were the result of the damage his body had got from the stroke; as she concentrated she slowly became aware of a bright sky blue shining all around him, and to her amazement she saw a shadowy figure from which the blue colour was emanating, it was a woman with short white curly hair dressed in a cardigan, blouse and skirt looking at Ella she smiled, in that moment Ella new it was Mr. Jones’s wife, who had passed away two years before. Ella racked her brains to remember what she looked like but couldn’t, yet, she knew it was her. So intent on watching Mrs Jones, Ella was startled by a dig in the ribs from her brother “Stop staring.” He hissed. Ella looked towards the vicar who was coming to the end of his sermon and when she stole a glance back at Mr.Jones his wife was gone.

After lunch Ella helped her father picking out weeds from the vegetable patch in the garden for a while, more from the guilt than anything else, as she knew she was just biding her time until she could escape and go to Mrs Tanners, after a while she asked her father if she could go out to play, luckily he didn’t ask where, probably assuming she was going to the twins house, and she set off, running down the street excitedly to Mrs Tanners house.

The chart was waiting for her, quickly Ella spread it out on the kitchen table and together they poured over it. A young girl and a white haired old woman, one beginning her journey the other nearing the end.

Root chakra

Meditation colour: RED

Location: Base of spine

Affecting these parts of the body: Coccyx, (bottom of spine) large intestine, back, legs, feet, bones

Issues: Safety, Survival, shelter, groundedness, nourishment (food, mental and emotionial), self-esteem, trust, boundaries (when you have to say yes or no to something), physical health

Sacral chakra

Meditation colour: ORANGE

Location: Just below tummy button

Affecting these parts of the body: Hips, lower back, bladder, kidneys, stomach, bodily fluids (blood, wee-wee etc)

Issues: Pleasure, emotions, hugging, warmth, creativity, confidence

Solar plexus chakra

Meditation colour: Yellow

Location: Middle of stomach between breast line and waist line

Affecting these parts of the body: Stomach, liver, gallbladder, spleen, adrenal glands (I am afraid you will have to look these up at school or in the library)

Issues: Self-confidence, vitality, forcefulness, perception, insight, will, discipline

Heart chakra

Meditation colour: Emerald green

Location: Centre of chest

Affecting these parts of the body: Heart, lungs, chest, thymus, circulatory system (You must read about this), shoulders, arms, hands

Issues: Love, compassion, kindness, relationships, self-acceptance, forgiveness, hope, sympathy, empathy

Throat chakra

Meditation colour: Light blue

Location: Middle of throat

Affecting these parts of the body: Throat, neck, ears, jaw, mouth, teeth, gums, tongue, thyroid gland (Sorry you will have to read about this too)

Issues: Communication, creativity, expression, humility, thinking/ideas

The third eye chakra

Meditation colour: Indigo

Location: On the forehead between eyes

Affecting these parts of the body: Eyes, brain

Issues: Clairvoyance (This is when you ”see” auras), telepathy (This is when you get intuitional messages from other places), wisdom (Knowledge and heart knowing), imagination, dreams, ideas, reasoning (Knowing what is right and wrong)

The crown chakra

Meditation colour: Purple/white

Location: Top of the head

Affecting these parts of the body: Brain, head

Issues: Wisdom, intuitive knowing, spiritual development, selflessness, connection to the Universe/guides/teachers (Don’t worry about these things you will understand them in time)

Ella saw that Mrs Tanner had written little notes in brackets on things she thought Ella might not understand.

Mrs Tanner was explaining what everything meant, Ella was enthralled. Mrs Tanner had left out some details particularly relating to the sexual expression of certain chakras, as she thought Ella was far too young to be focussed on such issues; she had tried to simplify things as much as possible, to make it easy to understand, but as she explained it to Ella, she realised there was no easy way to put these things over, they still came across complicated.

Ella turned to Mrs Tanner, her face glowing with delight “So if I feel these things, chakras, then they will tell me how a person is?” It was both a statement and a question. “So,” thought Mrs Tanner “she gets it without me having to explain, out loud” then she said “that’s right, hidden in the chakra are all the thoughts, emotions, and the feelings of the person, and you can use what you feel to help them overcome things.” Tears sprung to Ella’s eyes, “you mean, like when I feel sad and lonely and don’t know why.” Mrs Tanner hugged her “Yes, when you discover why you feel like that, you will be able to help other people free themselves too.”

Mrs Tanner didn’t know how to help Ella, she knew she was adopted, and knew her parents tried their best, but Ella had told her they didn’t talk much, or hug and kiss as the twins parents did, both with each other and the girls.

Often Ella felt like an outsider in her own family as she was impulsive, clumsy, and prone to just say what she was thinking out loud. Ella sniffed and Mrs Tanner handed her a tissue so she could blow her nose, “I saw someone you know,” Ella said quietly, Mrs Tanner didn’t speak but waited for Ella to continue. “It was in church of all places, I was looking at the auras around people then I saw a lady in the energy of her husband, I knew her,” Ella stopped and keeping her eyes down waited. Seeing she was expected to comment Mrs Tanner said “how did that feel, were you frightened?” “No it was wonderful, but Harry interrupted me and when I looked again she had gone, I think she came to see her husband because he had a stroke and is not feeling very well.” “Will I be able to do that again?” Ella said getting up to throw away the soggy tissue. “Of course, I have a feeling it is going to happen a lot in the future.” Ella satisfied with her answer changed the subject “I forgot the books yesterday, can I get them?” “Yes dear, they are on the bottom shelf somewhere.” Ella went to look for the books, stopping to flick through others she found along the way, it was over an hour later when she reappeared in the kitchen books under her arm. Mrs Tanner found a plastic bag for Ella to carry them home in, Ella gave her a hug and skipped up the road home. When she reached the door she opened it as quietly as she could, then tiptoed upstairs to her room where she had hidden the books in a draw, for after the episode with the other ones she was not risking her parents seeing them, and anyway they would find out she had disobeyed them and gone to Mrs Tanners.

Ella went downstairs to see where everyone was, she found her mother in the dining room putting away some table clothes in one of the cupboards, “ah Ella, where have you been?” mother asked “Just out and about nowhere special.” Ella replied, then to deflect any more questions she asked her mother if they could play a game of gin rummy together, mother was delighted and they spent the rest of the day playing cards using spent matches to score with.

Monday morning came, Ella met with the twins who had recovered from their colds and were bouncing with life again, walking to school together Ella felt deeply happy.

Ella started to see more and more auras; she was fascinated how they changed colours with the emotions of the person, she was missing a lot of what was going on around her because she was so busy looking at peoples energy. Teachers at school noticed and became sharp with her, “Ella! Sit up! Look at the black board.” Were common phrases being directed at her, Ella let it all wash over her, for she now had a whole other world to explore.

Every time she could safely visit Mrs Tanner she did and learnt as much as she could about the spirit world, and the people who lived there. Mrs Tanner had to send her to the twins to play or walk Rufus, as she thought Ella was becoming too consumed with the teachings and wanted to slow things down: Ella was developing fast, not only could she see auras and chakras easily and at will, but she also tuned in to spirit people, often having conversations with them. She had talked to the twins grandfather, who was sometimes in the room where they played, to then startle the twins mother by asking about the earrings she had lost in the drain in the bathroom, when asked how she knew Ella nearly said her father had told her, but stopped herself in time, so ended by mumbling she didn’t know, perhaps she had overheard it somehow.

The twin’s grandmother had given her a long hard stare before going back to washing some dishes, she was all dressed up ready to go and play card with some friends, but Ella could see she was thinking about what she had said.

At first it was fun to communicate with these people, then it became intrusive as they were everywhere. Ella was too afraid to tell people she could talk to their loved ones, everywhere she went there would be someone there urging her to talk to their daughter, son, husband or wife, eventually she admitted to Mrs Tanner it was too much. “What shall I do?” she cried, Mrs Tanner who had known what was happening and waiting for Ella to tell her said “Ella, it is not a game, you must be in charge, if you do not want people to communicate because you are busy or it is not the right place then you must tell them to go away.” “But how!” Ella asked “you know you are communicating with your mind so you must mentally say no! And mean it, if you only half-heartedly say no then they will continue to pester you, you are a bridge, an open door from one world to another, of course people will want to walk through, it is your responsibility to say stop.” “Now sit down and relax and let’s get you feeling calm.” They sat together, eyes closed and Ella let herself relax, she felt safe with Mrs Tanner, now she must learn some control.

Ella practiced saying no to the spirit people, and soon she was able to allow them to visit when she felt like it, not when it was awkward for her, this made her more relaxed and attentive to what was happening around her.

Summer came and the holidays: Ella and the twins made plans, most of which involved a lot of picnics and visits to the lake. Ella baked small cakes to take with them, and they all went and begged old bread from the bakers to feed the ducks. When Ella was not with the twins she was at Mrs Tanners listening avidly to her stories, sipping homemade ginger ale or lemon juice.

Mrs Tanner told Ella all the things she could remember her mother telling her, she showed her how to squash or boil herbs to release the essences, Ella helped to weed the herb bed and learnt the names of them all, and what they were used for, she read every book she could from Mrs Tanners dining room library, and wrote vast lists of questions in the evening to ask the next day. Ella was never happier, she let go of the feelings of being alone, for at Mrs Tanners she wasn’t unusual, just different in a normal way, the twins never questioned her eccentricity as they themselves had an uncommon family, so accepted her quirks without question.

One evening after Ella had been to the lake with the twins she called in on Mrs Tanner, ringing the bell she waited no one came, it was unusual for Mrs Tanner to go out in the evening and never without telling Ella, so Ella rung the bell again, she waited, still no answer, bending down she opened the letter box and peeped through, no sign of Mrs Tanner, Ella was just about to close the letter box and go home when she heard a faint cry, “Is that you Ella?” “Help me!” Ella’s heart started to race she could hardly get her breath, running around the back of the house she saw a window open without thinking she climbed in half falling into the living room she stood for a moment listening, she could hear faint cries coming from upstairs. Ella dashed up, taking the stairs two at a time opening Mrs Tanner’s bedroom door she burst in to the bedroom. Mrs Tanner was lying on the floor her face was a dark purple colour her eyes glazed, she was shaking, Ella quickly pulled a blanket from the bed and threw it over Mrs Tanner. “I’m calling an ambulance.” Ella shouted as she ran back down stairs, picking up the telephone Ella dialled 999 in seconds a woman said police, fire or ambulance in a calm distant voice, Ella shouting in panic “Ambulance, ambulance.” The voice came again, calm too calm for Ella, “What is the problem please?” It’s Mrs Tanner she is laying on the bedroom floor she looks awful you have to hurry!” “What is the address please,” the calm voice asked, Ella rattled of the address “please hurry” “The ambulance will be there shortly, stay with the lady and keep her warm.” The voice said, Ella had already placed a blanket around Mrs Tanner, she dropped the telephone and rushed back upstairs to Mrs Tanner “They are on their way!” she said. Mrs Tanner didn’t answer her eyes were closed and she was breathing heavily, Ella knelt down by her side not knowing what to do she started to pray “please God don’t let her die.” It seemed like hours yet was only a few minutes before she heard the sound of the siren, which heralded the arrival of the ambulance. Ella ran down to open the front door the ambulance men were already walking up the path carrying a gurney, she pointed “upstairs, hurry,” in moments Mrs Tanner was strapped to the stretcher and on her way to hospital. Ella had wanted to go too but the ambulance men had said no as she was not a family member. Ella stood in the middle of the street, tears streaming down her face, watching the ambulance drive away. Slowly she walked back into Mrs Tanner’s house checking there was no water running or electrical items plugged in, she locked the house and pocketed the key. The only thing in Ella’s mind was how she could get to the hospital to see Mrs Tanner. She knew they had taken her to the County General, so she could take a bus but she needed money to do that, and she had spent this week’s pocket money already, turning she began to walk to the twins house knocking on the door she rehearsed what she would say. The twins were pleased to see her again so soon. Ella had decided it was time to tell them all about Mrs Tanner but first she needed to borrow the bus fare so she could go to the hospital tonight!

Seeing the look on Ella’s face the twins stopped their usual chatter and motioned her to sit down, Ella didn’t know, but she was as white as a sheet, her face streaked with dried tears leaving dirty looking marks where they had run. The three girls sat down and Ella said “I have a long story to tell you but I do not have time now,” Helen opened her mouth to protest but Ella waved her hand at her so she closed it again “please can you lend me a pound?” “I need it badly or I would not ask.” Ella said “tomorrow I will tell you why, but I must get the bus now.” Betty got up and left the room she came back with two pounds and gave them to Ella “here take this.,” she said. Ella got up “I am sorry I must go but I will see you tomorrow.” And with that she left leaving the twins to speculate all evening what was wrong.

Ella walked to the bus stop; she knew how to get to the hospital as she had been there with her mother to visit one of her mother’s friends a few weeks earlier. Ella got on the bus, not caring that it was late and how much trouble she would be in, all she wanted to do was see that Mrs Tanner was alright.

The journey to the hospital seemed to take forever, changing busses in the town centre Ella sat and stared out of the window, when the bus reached the hospital Ella got off with a few other people who were also going to visit friends and relatives. Seeing a large sign saying entrance she made her way inside through the large glass swing doors. Inside to the left was a desk with a sign saying reception, Ella marched up to it and coughed, an efficient looking woman in a pristine white coat said “Can I help you?” “I am looking for my Aunt.” Ella said having learnt from the ambulance men not allowing her in the ambulance, that they would not let her see Mrs Tanner if she was not related “what is her name and address?” The woman asked, Ella gave Mrs Tanners name and address and the lady ran her finger down a list in the big book in front of her “Ah, yes, admitted to ward nine earlier today, go down that corridor there,” she said, pointing with a long finger, “turn right at the bottom, next left and left again then you will see it on your right.” Ella thanked the lady and set off, repeating the directions over and over so she would not forget. Arriving at the large white swing doors, for the first time she felt afraid, more of being turned away when she had got so far, than anything else. Taking a deep breath to steady her, something Mrs Tanner had taught her, Ella pushed one of the doors open.

In front of her was the nurses’ station, she went up to the nurse who was sitting there and said “I am here to see Mrs Tanner she was brought in earlier.” The nurse looked up and then standing up she said “You must be Ella, she has been asking for you, follow me and I will take you to her room, you cannot stay long she is very poorly.” Ella followed the nurse into Mrs Tanner’s room, the blinds were drawn and the lights dimmed, Mrs Tanner lying in the bed seemed to have shrunk and disappeared into the blankets that covered her. There was a tube coming out of her arm and snaking up to a bag held on a metal stand, over her face was a mask attached to an oxygen bottle: she was blue. Ella sat down on the chair by the bed and took Mrs Tanners hand; she didn’t speak but knew by the slight squeeze she felt that Mrs Tanner knew she was there.

Ella wanted to cry, but didn’t as she thought it would upset Mrs Tanner if she knew, so she sat and held the old lady’s hand until the nurse came in and told her visiting hours were over and she must leave now. Ella bent and kissed Mrs Tanner and whispered that she would return tomorrow, looking back at the bed as she left the room Ella saw Mrs Tanner looked a little more peaceful.

By the time Ella got home it was very late, much later than she had ever been out until before, her parents were frantic and very angry, before she had taken off her coat she was bombarded with questions “where have you been? What time do you think this is?” “We telephoned the twins and they said you had gone to a hospital?” Ella slumped in a chair her mind racing; she decided to tell the truth. “I have been to visit Mrs Tanner at the hospital,” she started and proceeded to tell her parents what had happened. They listened with growing astonishment “We forbade you to go to Mrs Tanners, what on earth do you think you were doing?” Somewhere inside Ella felt her strength grow “I am sorry mother, father, but Mrs Tanner is my friend I have been visiting her all this time, she is nice....” Ella’s voice trailed off “go to your room!” father’s voice was filled with fury “you will not leave the house until we say so, go!” Ella’s eyes filled with tears and she ran from the room, once alone in her bedroom she lay down on her bed and let the tears fall, she cried for Mrs Tanner and for herself, Ella lay crying until still full dressed she fell asleep.

In the morning Ella woke up her eyes puffy, and face swollen from so much crying the day before, she went downstairs heart beating fast, her mother placed a bowl of cereal in front of her without saying a word, Ella ate, cringing inside in the silence, when Ella had finished without speaking Ella’s mother pointed upstairs.

Alone in her room again, Ella sat on the bed twisting her hands together, not knowing what to do, for she desperately wanted to go to the hospital and see Mrs Tanner, but she knew that would never be allowed, so she stayed where she was, the only motion in her body was an unconscious turning and rubbing of her hands. The hours passed.

At lunch time mother called Ella downstairs and presented her with a sandwich “please mother, I want to go and see Mrs Tanner.” “You will do no such thing.” Mother’s lips settled themselves into a thin line, the matter was closed. Ella ate her sandwich and went upstairs. All day she fretted that Mrs Tanner would think she didn’t care, Ella took out the chakra chart and studied it making her feel closer to Mrs Tanner, when she had finished she read some of the book she had borrowed from her, but ended up just flicking through the pages as she couldn’t concentrate. Eventually Ella fell asleep, all the emotion had exhausted her, so she napped until mother called her for tea.

The meal was eaten with mother and father taking it in turns to lecture Ella for lying and disobeying them. Ella knew she deserved telling off, and sat silently interjected with the occasional “I’m sorry.” Eventually her parents thought they had said enough and gave the final ultimatum “You are not allowed out of the house for the next week, you will help your mother with the house work and in the evenings you will help me in the garden, when the weeks up you may visit the twins but, you must ask their parents to call when you arrive and leave.” Father paused to let his words sink in “Is that understood?” Ella nodded dumbly, fresh tears were surfacing and she bit her lip to keep them in, “go to your room now and we will start a new day tomorrow,” mother said. Ella fled in her room once again, she let the tears flow until finally she could cry no more, getting into bed she read some more of her book and at last slipped into sleep.

Ella was with Mrs Tanner not in the hospital but in a beautiful garden, she listened as Mrs Tanner told her not to worry she was at peace, Ella sobbed as she admitted that her parents had banned her from visiting her many months ago and now she could not come to the hospital. “But I am not there now child, this is my home now, I have passed to the spirit world and been reunited with my beautiful son and husband.” “There is a wooden box on my dresser in the bedroom in there is a gold heart shaped locket, I want you to go and get it, my mother gave it to me when I was small, it is yours now.” She smiled and said “Ella, you must continue without me, I will be around you for a while and we can meet and talk here in this place, but I cannot protect you anymore, you will have to learn to grow by yourself.” Mrs Tanner faded away and Ella woke up with a start, it was dark now and the house was silent, Ella knew it must be the middle of the night, she sat up in bed and thought about the dream, shaking her head she came to the conclusion it was just because she was afraid of losing Mrs Tanner. Feeling relieved Ella went back to sleep.

In the morning Ella woke up feeling sad then she remembered her dream panic ran through her, making Ella shiver, resolved she marched downstairs “mother! I must go to the hospital, I must!” Ella’s mother stopped, nearly dropping the dish she was holding “Did you miss everything your father and I said yesterday?” “No mother, I am sorry but I must see if Mrs Tanner is okay.” Mother carried on putting the dishes away not saying anything finally she said quietly “We made our decision and that’s that.”

Ella was stumped, thinking for a while she tried another tact, “please mother!” Ella pleaded, tears falling down her cheeks. Mother ignoring what Ella had just said, asked her to finish putting away the dishes, picking up the clean washing, she left the room. Ella defeated, began putting the plates away, fighting with herself to not throw them on the floor and smash them into little pieces, which is what she felt like doing, when she had finished she went outside and sat on the door step. The sun was shining it was a lovely day but Ella was in no mood to enjoy it, and sat sulking until mother came to see where she was.

For the next two hours Ella and her mother vacuumed, and polished, then the telephone rang and mother answered, it was a friend from the WI where mother was a volunteer, they had a crisis as the lady who day it was to supervise the charity shop they ran together, had been taken ill, and they desperately needed someone to step in for the afternoon. Mother said she would get changed and be there in half an hour, putting down the telephone, she eyed Ella, “I have to go out you can do the ironing and then watch some television, okay?” “You are not allowed out, do you understand me?” Ella nodded once and went to get the ironing board out.

Mother left soon after and Ella started to iron, she did it slowly taking her time all the time her mind going to Mrs Tanner lying in the hospital bed alone, finally Ella could stand it no more. Switching off the iron she pulled on her coat, taking the change from the two pounds the twins had given her, she saw she had enough money to get to the hospital and back if she hurried, no one would know she had been. Ella left, mother would be at the shop until five o’clock, at least it was only one thirty now, that gave her three and a half hours to get there see Mrs Tanner and back. Ella hurried to the bus stop.

Ella went directly to ward nine and into Mrs Tanners room expecting to see her sitting up in bed with a cup of tea she stopped in surprise, the bed was empty and not made, a noise behind her made her turn around, a nurse was standing there “Where’s Mrs Tanner” Ella asked “come with me dear.” The nurse was kindly, but a little stiff and business like, she began to trot down the hall and Ella trotted happily along beside the small nurse with kind eyes, thinking this must be a good sign. Ella however, was taken aback when the nurse turned into a room with easy chairs and a small table in it. “Sit down, Ella isn’t it?” Ella nodded and sat down as requested “I am sorry to tell you but Mrs Tanner passed away at ten o’clock last night.” Ella couldn’t make sense of what she was saying “No! That can’t be right I came to see her, I snuck out!” Ella spluttered. The nurse repeated “She’s gone. I’m sorry.” Without a word Ella left, like a zombie, she took the bus home, getting off the bus she put her hand in her pocket and felt the keys she still had to Mrs Tanner’s house. Ella walked to Mrs Tanners with slow but determined steps and let herself into the house, closing the door she listened, still expecting to hear Mrs Tanners cheerful hello, silence greeted her, a deep and empty silence; she sank to the floor, sobbing deeply, powerful, heart wrenching sobs, her heart was broken, after a while still crying, but not quite as powerfully, Ella wandered from room to room touching books, ornaments, the cups they had both drank from were still in the sink, so she washed them up carefully drying them and putting them away in the cupboard, memories flooding quickly, uninterruptedly into her mind, some even brought a smile to Ella’s lips. In the bedroom Ella made the bed and folded up some clothes that were lying on the chair, she tried not to think about how she had last seen Mrs Tanner lying here, cold on the floor; she was about to leave the room when she remembered what Mrs Tanner had said to her in her dream, she opened the wooden box and there sitting on a tiny red velvet cushion was the locket, Ella picked it up hand, held it lovingly in her hands, then wrapping it in a clean handkerchief she found in a drawer, she put it in her pocket, locked the house up and went home.

Ella was sitting at the kitchen table when her mother walked in “She’s dead.” Ella said flatly scowling “Don’t be silly Ella,” mother said calmly “She’s dead.” Ella repeated “How do you know?” “I went to the hospital when you were out.” Ella said defiantly, mothers lips took on their familiar line “you were told not to leave the house Ella.” “I don’t care, she’s dead and no one was there, I wasn’t there, you stopped me.” Ella ran out of the room and upstairs to the safety of her bedroom, once there she flung herself on the bed and wept. Mother didn’t follow Ella, she made the tea and waited until father came home then told him what Ella had done, furious at being disobeyed father banished Ella to her room for the rest of the week, she would have her meals alone on a tray and only be allowed out to visit the bathroom. Ella was pleased, she didn’t want to see or talk to anyone not even the twins.

Ella spent the next week in her room, she was completely and totally numb, and had disappeared inside her own world so deep, and so alone...when the end of the week came, mother informed her she was now free to go out again, but Ella did not feel any joy. Because, Ella had promised the twins she would tell them what was happening, all those days ago when the world was so different, before this painful disaster had struck and taken Mrs Tanner away from her, she reluctantly made her way to their house, feeling that not even their laughter and Rufus’s soft fur and greeting of licks could help her now.

The twins took one look at Ella’s face and sat her down in one of the big arm chairs in the lounge, then they positioned themselves one either side at her knees, sitting on cushions on the floor. As Ella started speaking, they listened occasionally squeezing her hand. Ella told them all about Mrs Tanner, starting from the beginning of her story, she kept the tears in check until she reached the part where she had found her in the bedroom, last week, still so powerful in her mind, then she cried, the twins hugged her, they were fascinated by the story but those questions could wait for now. Ella calmed down, soothed by the kind hugs, when she was dry eyed they all went into the kitchen to get a glass of juice each. The grandmother eyed them and started to ask what was wrong, then changed her mind and wordlessly cut them all a large chunk of cake.

The girls talked all afternoon, Ella answered their questions, and explained as much as she knew, they were fascinated by auras and chakras and Ella was relieved they accepted it all, but didn’t think this was so strange.

Ella thought about the twins reaction, and wondered why they accepted all she saw as normal, as she thought about it she heard quite clearly “they have not been influenced by religion,” she wasn’t sure where the voice came from, it sounded like it was just behind her ear, but she did know the voice was right, the twins parents were not religious, or for that matter conventional so the twins were free to explore things in their own way, Ella also knew the twins parents were not so invested in parenting in the usual way, as long as the twins were reasonably well behaved, they let them do more or less what they wanted, and their grandmother was more interested in her card playing friends, so much of what the twins did passed her by.

Helen and Betty sympathised with Ella, for being banished to her room especially, as it had been a school holiday, at least if it had happened another week, she would have been allowed into school, they told her they had called for her, and her mother had said she was not allowed out and refused to answer why, she had thought the twins rude when they asked; they had returned home and waited until she showed up.

“I have to go as I must not be late for tea, but shall we take Rufus to the lake tomorrow?” Ella asked “do you think your mother will let you have a picnic?” Betty said “I can ask.” Replied Ella, and giving the girls a quick hug she set off home. Ella had felt happier while she was with the twins, but as she walked home she began to feel heavier again, her mind went to Mrs Tanner, Ella had been in her room when Mrs Tanner was buried, not allowed to attend, she was worried that no one had been there, unknown to Ella, this was true, as Mrs Tanner had no one left to attend her funeral.

As Ella passed Mrs Tanners house it looked dark and already forgotten, she thought about putting a light on but felt she should not use the electricity, she didn’t know who would pay the bill. Ella pulled her cardigan tightly around her, and with heavy steps went home.

The days passed, the twins were very kind, and put up with Ella’s grumpiness knowing she was feeling sad. Ella tried to shake the sadness from her but found it very difficult, even passing Mrs Tanners house brought all the memories flooding back.

Ella had not given thought to anything she had been learning from Mrs Tanner, she was angry and sad, angry with the spirit world for taking Mrs Tanner away, and sad for herself as she had lost someone she loved. Her dreams stopped, she felt even more alone, she could no longer see energies or talk with the spirit people. Ella found herself completely alone, she was even disconnected from the twins.

For their part Helen and Betty acted with aplomb quite beyond their usual behaviour, they had talked over everything that Ella had told them many times, they didn’t understand everything but they loved Ella like a sister, so they tried to do lots of things Ella liked, they went to the park, the lake and even to the library, they bought her small gifts of funny shaped rubbers and pencils with fluffy trolls on the top. Ella was grateful, even though she did not say so, they were the only light shining through the grey mist she now lived in. Ella lost weight, finding it hard to eat; she stopped talking and spent most of her time in her room. Months passed by, Ella’s parents were starting to worry they asked her what was wrong “nothing, I’m fine.” Was the only reply they got, Ella was so angry with them, but it was not something she could say, so she said nothing.

Coming home from school one day Ella saw a large removal van parked outside Mrs Tanner’s house, and two men carrying things out of the house and into the van she, ran across the road shouting “what are you doing?” One of the men stopped and looked at her “we are clearing everything out of here, what’s it got to do with you?” “Why?” said Ella “the house is going to be sold.” The man replied “you can’t it is Mrs Tanners house! She was my friend!” Ella cried tears beginning to run down her face. The man who had a daughter around Ella’s age, bent down and put his hand on her shoulder “I’m sorry love, the old lady died in state and now the house belongs to the government and they want to sell it, it’s what happens in these cases.” “So we have to take away all her things first.” Ella was stricken, fighting for breath she turned and ran. Ella kept running, until she could run no more, flinging herself onto the pavement she sat and cried, knees pulled up into her chest, hands covering her head, trying to be a small as she could be, that was how a neighbour found her, bending down she asked Ella what was wrong; Ella could only shake her head overcome with grief she had no words. The lady pulled Ella to her feet and led Ella home.

Mother tried to get Ella to tell her what was wrong, but Ella couldn’t speak, she just pointed to the door out of the kitchen silently asking to go upstairs, mother let her go. In the quiet of her room, Ella let the tears flow down her cheeks, not bothering to wipe them away they soaked her pillow, after a while she grew calmer and sat up on the side of the bed slowly taking her socks off she felt a hand on her back, swinging round she half expected to see someone there even though she knew that was impossible, “Ella,” a voice whispered “Ella it is time to let me go.” Without hesitation Ella knew it was Mrs Tanner “I can’t, I won’t please I miss you.” Ella said “You must child, you need to live, be happy, I don’t need those things any more, but you child are letting all your lessons go. “It is time to heal, time to return to your path Ella.” “I can’t feel anything except unhappiness, please, please stay with me, I have nobody else.” Ella groaned “You are strong Ella, and I will watch over you, guide you for a while, and be happy I am with my family.” Mrs Tanner’s presence faded away, leaving Ella feeling empty and alone once more. Ella sat for a while thinking about Mrs Tanners visit, she knew she was right, Ella prayed she would find the strength to do watch Mrs Tanner had asked.

When Ella was called downstairs for tea mother asked what had been wrong with her, Ella told her about the men clearing the house and what he had said about “instate.” Mother sat down and explained the process to Ella thinking it would make it easier for her to understand the process, but hearing that an advert had been placed for relatives to come forward and finding there was no one meant everything went to the crown (mother said -meaning the Queen and state.) This just made Ella think about all the ornaments and books Mrs Tanner had loved, they would now go to people who did not care, but mother said they would be sold at auction and of course the people who bought them would want them. Ella realised that was true, she wished she could have them all, at least the ones she knew were special to Mrs Tanner; though Ella was realistic enough to know that was impossible. Her mother was quietly relieved that the house was going to be sold hoping Ella would now let things be.

Ella still felt like she was walking through a permanent grey cloud, but the grey was getting lighter now and when she laughed with the twins it was not forced any more: slowly Ella healed. Ella often talked to Mrs Tanner, holding the locket in her hand she would tell her about her day, and what she had been doing with the twins, she didn’t get a reply but felt Mrs Tanner heard her anyway. Slowly Ella began to take an interest in life again which pleased everybody around her. The twins were especially happy to have the old Ella back again and set about playing games and having fun with gusto. Ella was much happier now, the pain had eased yet there was still a part of her that was lost to everyone except herself; there she held the pain in a ball deep inside of herself, hidden from everyone, only allowing it to come out when she was alone.

Slowly Ella began to sense auras again and talk with spirit people who passed by, as she did so she began to feel whole again, she prayed every day and asked for blessings for those near to her, Ella was if not happy, satisfied with life.

The twins often questioned her about the aura and what colours she saw with them, and what colours had the people they passed on the street.

One day when Ella was in the city she found a second hand book shop down a small side street, the old man who owned the shop was very helpful finding books he though Ella might want to read, never questioning why she was so interested in spirituality colours or old texts, Ella spent every penny of her pocket money in the shop, her bedroom was becoming a library, there were so many books she could no longer hide them under her bed, she had begged a book shelf from her mother and they now stood proudly in it. Ella’s parents were concerned about what she was reading, they did not understand it at all and periodically they tried to dissuade her from reading the books.

Mother often bought her novels to read, hoping she might prefer them; Ella read them but always went back to her spiritual texts. Ella was fascinated with the chakras and aura, and started to draw them as she saw them, she did one each for the twins, starting with a stick man to represent the body and adding layers of colours all around the figure; when she was finished she told the twins what she thought the colours meant. Telling Helen she felt she was going to buy some new shoes made Helen jump up and down with glee for only that morning her mother had told her they were going to town on Saturday to get new shoes for her, and a jumper for Betty. Ella told the twin’s lots of things they could relate to, they were impressed with what she had done. “Why don’t you do it for other people” they chorused, Ella looked doubtful “I don’t know, they might think I am really weird.” She said “You are!” the twins said laughing “but we think you should anyway.” At that moment their grandmother came into the room, before Ella could stop them the twins cried in unison “Gran, Gran come here let Ella make your aura.” The grandmother came over and looked at what Ella had done peering over the top of her glasses she picked up the paper “Mmmm.” “If you want, what do I do?” “Nothing.” Betty said “just sit there.” She sat down and Helen poked Ella and put a clean sheet of paper in front of her, “come on Ella.” She urged.

Ella reluctantly picked up a pencil and drew a stick man, then narrowing her eyes she focused on the grandmothers energy, letting her hands find the colours she began to draw, as she did so the nervousness left her stomach and she relaxed. In no time at all she was finished, the grandmother picked up the drawing and noticed a grey black line across her abdomen “what’s that?” she asked pointing to it “a scar of some kind on your skin.” Ella heard herself saying “why yes, from an operation years ago, did the twins tell you?” “No we did not.” They spouted together “she just knows things.” The grandmother, not convinced asked her to tell her something else. Ella felt her nervousness returning, she had never told anyone what she felt except the twins and they were always happy to hear what she had to say, not knowing if she was right or wrong. Ella took a deep breath remembering what Mrs Tanner had taught her to do when she was nervous, closing her eyes Ella placed her hands over the drawing feeling the energy, she began to speak slowly at first, faltering then growing stronger and more authoritative as she went on.

“I feel you have some back pain, and sometimes in your wrists and shoulders ache, your circulation isn’t good and you worry about your heart.” “When you were young you broke your ankle and you still feel it today, you have an old chiming clock that has lost its chime, the clock belonged to your father; in an old suitcase there are lots of family photos from a long time ago and when you feel low you get them out and look at them.” Ella opened her eyes and looked at the woman, she was sitting stock still, mouth open “How do you know?” she gasped “I’m not sure, I just do.” Ella replied. The grandmother shook her head and got up from the table, she was not sure what to make of Ella now; she left the room still shaking her head. Ella was mortified “now look what you made me do!” she cried to the twins, “she thinks I’m bonkers, I told you.” “No she doesn’t Ella, calm down, I think you just surprised her.” Betty said, in a reasonable voice. “Will she tell my parents?” Ella said panicking “don’t worry, we will ask her later what she thinks, give her time to get over the shock.” Helen said giving a small laugh “Lets’ take Rufus for a walk.” She added to change the subject. As they all got up to put away the pencils, the twins exchanged a glance, they too were taken aback by what Ella had said, when they had suggested she should do a picture for their grandmother they had not expected her to be so accurate! All at once their attitude changed towards Ella, they had always thought of her as the most sensible one amongst them, now they knew she was really special, knowing things that she did, they were in awe of her.

The girls went off to the park and played fetch with Rufus, they did not discuss what had happened with the grandmother, but each one was thinking about it.

The Grandmother was in shock, she had always had a vague interest in the afterlife and in the past she had even read a couple of books about spiritualism, and people called ´mediums` who proclaimed to talk to the dead. When her husband died she was tempted to go and visit one of these people but did not know where to find a medium, so she had let the matter drop, she realised that Ella had special powers and was probably one of those medium people.

Later that day Grandmother went to play cards with some of her friends, she told them what had happened and they were all curious, and asked if she could arrange for Ella to “do” them. The Grandmother said she would ask Ella next time she saw her.

Ella went to the book store and found a couple of books on spiritualism and different ways of communicating with the spirit world, she felt spiritualism had been made by some into another form of religion with spirit communication thrown in, but she was excited by the explanations of how to communicate and read avidly about automatic witting, psychometry, and more aura on reading, when she came to the part describing how to use tarot cards she wondered where she could find some.

The next day Ella went to the twin’s house, as soon as the Grandmother saw her she beckoned her into the kitchen, Ella thought she was going to be told off, so was surprised when she was asked to go with the Grandmother to visit her friends and do what she had done with her. Without thinking Ella agreed, and the Grandmother said would tomorrow evening be okay, Ella thought for a moment then said “Yes, but she would have to be home by eight.” The Grandmother went to telephone her friend and said Ella and herself would arrive at six o’clock sharp. Ella went to find the twins, they all had homework to do so the girls sat together at the dining room table scribbling as quickly as they could so they would have time to take Rufus down to the lake before bedtime.

It wasn’t until Ella climbed into bed that night, that she gave any thought to what she had agreed to, when she did, she began to regret agreeing so quickly, for this was all new and she was frightened of being wrong, or even worse, not being able to get anything at all then they would laugh at her, and think she had got all her information from the twins.

Ella didn’t know but the Grandmother had asked the twins if they had told Ella those things, and when they had said no, and knowing the twins well, the Grandmother had known they were telling the truth. Ella tossed and turned unable to sleep worrying about the evening to come, eventually she slept and when she did she dreamt for the first time since Mrs Tanner had passed.

Ella found herself in what she knew was Mrs Tanners kitchen, the fire was burning and as she sat in her favourite chair she heard Mrs Tanners voice, at first she couldn’t see her, but as her eyes grew accustomed to the light she found Mrs Tanner seated across the table, Ella’s heart leapt! “Oh I miss you so much,” she said, sighing Mrs Tanner smiled “Hush child, I told you I would watch over you, you have a big day tomorrow?” Ella knew she was talking about the evening she was going to spend with the Grandmothers friends. “I wish I hadn’t said yes, I don’t think I can do it for those ladies.” “Now Ella, this is what you were born to do, of course you can.” And Mrs Tanner proceeded to talk, she told Ella how to relax, to listen for the information whether it came through feelings, pictures or words whispered in her ear. Ella concentrated letting the old feelings run through her body, and enjoying these moments with Mrs Tanner just like in the past. In the morning Ella didn’t remember when she had left Mrs Tanner but she held onto the feelings she had had the night before all day, so that school passed in a hazy glow.

After tea Ella changed her clothes and left to walk to the twins, the Grandmother met her at the door and they walked together to her friend’s house.

There were four ladies waiting in the lounge for her, she focussed on her breathing and as each one introduced themselves she shook their hands politely and sat down in the centre of the room where paper and pencils had been set out for her.

Ella wanted to try out some of the new ways of connecting she had learnt, but was too afraid to try this time, so she began to draw the first ladies aura emotionally feeling her as she did so. As Ella let herself be drawn into the energies, the ladies merged into the back ground almost disappearing for her. One by one she drew and only when she had finished all four did she look up, taking the first one in her hand she began to speak “I feel the name Else connected to you, I feel she is far away perhaps abroad?” Ella carried on “You have a problem in your throat and ears, an infection of some kind.” Ella was totally relaxed now and the words flowed from her like a river, before she knew it, she had talked to all four ladies then she stopped in surprise, sitting back in the chair now, hands folded on her lap she looked at the ladies expectantly. They looked back at her in silence, a silence that grew until one said “Marvellous child, bloody marvellous.” Ella who was not used to hearing anyone swear was focussed on the “bloody” word rather than the marvellous word; slowly it sank in that they were pleased! Relieved Ella smiled. The ladies began telling her all the things she had said that they knew were so, a couple of things didn’t make any sense but on the whole she had told them a lot of things about themselves and their lives that they could relate to, Ella was floating on a cloud. Catching sight of the clock on the mantel piece Ella saw she had better get going as she would be late if she didn’t hurry, and after the last time she had been grounded she didn’t want to risk it again. Getting up, Ella explained she must go home after saying her goodbyes’ she left, the ladies all crowded in the door way waving a she walked up the road; Ella floated all the way home.

When Ella got home she was still wearing a half smile on her face, mother looked at her in a strange way and asked her what she was grinning about, Ella shrugged her shoulders and said “nothing” as she passed through the door into the hall and drifted up to bed.

In the morning Ella slept late, so she rushed around gathering her things up frantically, brushing her hair as she ran down the road towards school. She didn’t get a chance to talk to the twins until lunch time when they cornered her and excitedly asked how it had gone last night. Even though Ella really wanted to tell them every detail she knew that the things she had talked about were private to the ladies so she was vague but went into reams about the cake and one of the old ladies earrings, after a while the twins were satisfied so they all went to the lunch hall and ate.

Time passed in a mostly pleasant way over the next few weeks, the only fly in Ella’s ointment was the frequency with which she saw and heard spirit people, they seemed to be everywhere, it was like a door had opened and the whole universe was flooding in. It had all begun slowly; two children joining her as she walked home from the twin’s house one evening asking if she would talk to their mother, she had asked them where they lived but they were so young they could not remember, so she had promised if they could find out she would try, big mistake! Almost at once she was surrounded by children all calling out to her asking if she would find their parents, everywhere she went she was followed by a growing line of children all talking at once and so loud she put her hands to her ears to block out the sound, only to find this did not work at all. She asked the children, pleaded with them to understand she could not find out where they all had lived or go marching up to their parents and just tell them who she was and why she was there, some older ones understood and left the line but the younger ones couldn’t make the connection with why she could see and hear them, surely their own parents would? Ella struggled with them and all their emotions, she was tired from lack of sleep as some would wake her up in the night talking and crying, this went on and on, she had no way of stopping it as Mrs Tanner had not given her the means before she passed over, Ella called to her imploring her to come and help with no response. Ella was in school when she broke, walking between classrooms from Maths to French trying to concentrate on what Betty was saying and zone out the ever growing din from the spirit world, she suddenly sank to her knees and started to cry, as she cried it was as though a dam had opened all the pain and sorrow from missing Mrs Tanner came, the compassion she felt for all the children who were following her, sorrow for herself and the feeling of not belonging burst out in a shower of tears accompanied by deep body wrenching sobs which made her shake uncontrollably. The twins knelt down beside her they were shocked into silence, so contented themselves with patting her on the back looking guiltily up and down the corridor in case a teacher should come.

By now there was quite a crowd of Ella’s fellow pupils around her some whispering behind their hands “She’s always been strange” others just standing and staring, a loud clapping of hands heralded the arrival of a teacher it was Mr Williams “What’s happening here?“ He boomed in his loud Welsh accent, the circle around Ella parted to let him through, Ella was still kneeling on the floor, her sobs had subsided to a low painful moan and tears ran down her face wetting the front of her blouse, “Get up girl, what are you doing?” Ella didn’t answer so the twins, feeling they should try and protect their friend said in unison “She’s upset Sir” “I can see that for myself,” “Why is she upset, has someone hit her?” Mr Williams said, because this was the only thing he could think of to be causing such a fuss. “No Sir, we don’t know Sir.” The twins replied “She just started to cry Sir.” Mr Williams cleared his throat “Come on now Ella get up, come on” when Ella didn’t move he bent down and took hold of her arm, pulling it he tried to make her stand up, Ella’s body did not respond at first, but as he tugged at her arm she began to stand, once she was on her feet Mr Williams bent down so he was looking directly into her face, Ella was still sobbing, she looked back but it was obvious she was not registering anyone looking at her, she remained staring straight ahead, tears still running down both cheeks, she made no move to brush them away. Ella had retreated inside herself, the only sound she made was a soft moaning followed by the occasional gasp for breath. Mr Williams, exasperated by the situation told the other children to get to class and, taking Ella’s hand, he led her towards the nurses office where he deposited her with Nurse Mary, after a quick explanation of what he had seen, he left breathing a sigh of relief. Mr Williams was not cut out to deal with emotion that included crying, give him a rugby field anytime and he was okay, but this no, he could not deal with: he walked quickly away.

Ella stood still she it was as though she had lost the ability to move or speak, she didn’t know if she would ever stop crying so she stood in the middle of the room and let the tears flow; it was as though she were a balloon and someone had let all the air out. A voice came from very far away, it was the nurse asking Ella what was wrong, Ella went further into her space and the voice drifted away. After a few minutes the nurse gave up trying to get answers out of Ella, she guided her into a chair and went into the other room to telephone her parents.

Ella’s mother picked up the telephone after two rings, she listened to the nurse, her lips pursing even more than usual, then replacing the receiver gently (even though she would have liked to bang it into the cradle), she picked up her coat and bag and walked up the road to Ella’s school. When Ella’s mother arrived she went straight to the nurses office, briskly walking in she apologised to the nurse for Ella’s behaviour, then taking Ella by the hand she marched out of the door and led Ella home. On the walk home Ella’s mother berated her behaviour and this was interceded at intervals with “I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this” Ella didn’t hear a word, for she was far away in another place. When they reached home mother told Ella to go to her room, Ella not hearing nor understanding stood still in the doorway, Ella’s mother gave her a push towards the hallway door then realising Ella wasn’t moving, she took her hand and preceded to take her upstairs. Ella sat heavily on the bed, the sobs had quietened to small gasps every now and again, tears still ran down her face but less now, there were pauses between the drops, and her body was shaking less. Ella let herself sink backwards, feeling the softness of the bed enveloping her she lay with her eyes wide open, letting the last of her tears wet the pillow: finally she fell asleep.

Downstairs mother was pacing anxiously up and down the kitchen, she sat down at the table drumming her fingers on the table mat in front of her. Her face was pulled into a grimace as she stared unseeingly out of the window, she debated whether to call father at work but looking at the clock she realised he would be home soon, so she resisted the temptation and got up to peel the potatoes for tea, working her agitation out on the dinner, she furiously mashed the cooked potatoes longer than usual before putting them in the oven on low to them keep warm, inwardly debating whether to call Ella down to set the table, she decided against it and began laying knives and forks on the table mats before placing a large glass tumbler besides each one, satisfied everything was ready she went upstairs to Ella’s room to ask her what was wrong, when she opened the door and saw Ella was fast asleep she was relieved she was not crying anymore, so closing the door quietly mother crept downstairs, sitting down, she waited for father to arrive.

Ella’s mother had no idea what had happened or why, her instinct knew it was serious, at least to Ella, so when father arrived home it was difficult to explain to him something she didn’t know or understand, he was all for waking Ella up and demanding an explanation, finally mother persuaded him to leave her to sleep and talk to her when she awoke. Tea was eaten in silence.

Ella slept until morning, when she woke up her face was swollen, her nose blocked with mucus she went to the bathroom and blew her nose vigorously, then washed her face in cold water, she felt numb, it was as though she was in a dream for nothing was real, going downstairs she went into the kitchen for breakfast, father pounced on her the moment she walked into the room, “Well Ella what on earth was that all about?” “I don’t feel well” Ella mumbled, it was the truth, she was disorientated, nothing felt real, Ella clutched the table as though she would float off into the air if she didn’t hold onto something “Stop being so dramatic” mother snapped “tell us why you were creating such a fuss.” Ella stared from one parent to the other, her mind clicked from the truth to elaborating a lie she stuttered “I don’t know” “What!” “You don’t know, you cry uncontrollably, I am called into school to take you home and you don’t know!” Ella nodded, she couldn’t explain what had happened properly, she realised the pressure of being followed by fifty or more children asking for their parents had been too much, but how do you explain that to your parents? Both parents were glaring at her now one from each side of the table, Ella shuffled uncomfortably in her chair “I had better get ready for school” she said finally “No you don’t young lady, no school for you today we are going to the doctors” mother said “Why, please I’m better now” Ella pleaded tears beginning in the corners of her eyes. “No, we are going to see Dr. Roberts, I made the appointment this morning,” mother said firmly “Now go and get ready, we have to be there in half an hour.” Ella shuffled upstairs and took off her school uniform replacing it with jeans and a T-shirt, she brushed her hair and peered at her face in the mirror hoping the swelling and redness was going down and her look had improved, unfortunately the signs of her recent tears were still apparent in her face, it was going to take longer for her to return to normal.

Ella’s heart was heavy as she went back downstairs, mother was just pulling on her gloves, picking up her hand bag she ran an expert eye over Ella’s hair and clothes, nodding she opened the door and Ella followed her out into the street, as they turned down the alley leading to the doctors surgery Ella felt her chest constrict with fear, as mother reached the door and pushed it open.

Dr. Roberts was near to retirement, a small thin man with peppery hair and a suit that seemed too big for him he peered at Ella over his half-moon glasses “Well Ella what’s this all about?” he asked forcing a smile. Ella’s mother had told him on the telephone earlier what had happened, he had only met Ella a couple of times during her life so did not know her very well at all, and had no idea where to start. Ella shrugged “I’m fine now.” Dr. Roberts glanced at Ella’s mother, “Perhaps Ella and I should have a chat alone,” he raised his eye brows looking at Ella’s mother “Oh, Yes” she said, she got up and left the room closing the door behind her “Now Ella, what’s this all about, you know anything you tell me is in confidence, don’t you?” At that moment Ella heard a loud cry, she swung round thinking someone was in the room, no one there: It came again this time she heard very clearly a girl’s voice “It’s my Dad! Oh please tell him I am here” Ella felt a tug on her hair “Go away” she said mentally “please not now” The voice persisted “Tell Daddy I’m okay I’m with Granny.” “Stop it” Ella burst out loud, Dr. Roberts looked startled “I’m sorry Ella I didn’t mean to upset you” he said “No, no it wasn’t you” “What do you mean child? Who was it” Ella fixed her deep blue eyes on him took a deep breath and said “I have your daughter here, she tells me she was drowned in an accident off the coast in Spain when she was fourteen years old, she says she got cramp.” Ella paused waiting, Dr. Roberts mouth opened, but he said nothing “She wants to say hello and to let you know she is alright, and being cared for by her grandmother, Kate says your mother thanks you for the care you gave her when she had the stroke, she also says it was lovely that Miriam made the wreath with flowers from your garden. I cannot hear the grandmother, but Kate is happy to see you.” Ella slumped back in the large leather seat, watching the doctor intently, blood rushed to her face, she thought she would faint. “Do you hear voices often Ella” Dr. Roberts finally asked in a quiet voice “Did you listen to me at all” Ella asked indignantly “Ella I am afraid you are very ill, would you go out into the waiting room and ask your mother to come in please.” He looked down at the papers in front of him, she was dismissed.

Ella sat for a moment, her mind racing for something to say that would convince him his daughter was here in this room and had things to say to him, however, realising the futility of the situation Ella left. She watched her mother go into the room with a heavy heart; in her mind she cried out for Mrs Tanner to come now and help her, Ella didn’t know why but she was being overcome with panic, she gripped the arms of the chair she was sitting on, and as she did so she could feel the blood leaving her face, she passed out.

Mother went into the doctor’s office and sat down in the chair, she looked gravely at his hands, tented in front of him, glasses perched on the end of his skinny nose and clearing his throat he began “Ella is very sick, she has indicated to me she is hearing voices talking to her (He didn’t tell mother that everything Ella had said was true) from another world, I am afraid this will not go away on its own, we must seek assistance for Ella, I will arrange for her to see a psychiatrist.” Mother gasped out loud “What, what are you saying, has she gone mad?” “I am not qualified to make a diagnosis, but I have a good friend and colleague who will help.” Lifting up the telephone receiver he dialled a number, mother was reeling in shock, she felt all her energy leave her and sat numbly in the chair trying to concentrate on what Dr. Roberts was saying. A short conversation later Dr. Roberts wrote down an address on a small piece of paper and pushed it across the desk towards mother “He will see you both at three o’clock this afternoon.” Without a word mother picked up the paper and folded it then placed it very carefully in her purse “Thank you.” She left closing the door firmly behind her.

Ella was sitting with her head between her legs being held there by the receptionist who instinctively hadn’t wanted to disturb the Doctor and Ella’s mother. “What now?” thought Mother “She’s fine Mrs. Talford, she just felt a little faint.” The receptionist said, playing down the incident. Mother bent down and asked Ella if she was ready to walk home, Ella nodded and impulsively hugging the receptionist left with mother. After they had gone the receptionist sat staring off into space for a while, she didn’t know what had taken place in the doctor’s office but had a bad feeling about it. Doctor Roberts meanwhile opened one of his desk drawers and took out a photograph, it was old and faded showing a young girl smiling ready for the rest of her life. Dr. Roberts let his mind wander back to that day, Kate on the beach, he and his wife resting on chairs under a huge umbrella, his wife calling to Kate as she watched her making her way into the sea for a swim “Don’t forget to put more sun cream on when you get out.” Kate had waved letting her mother know she had heard. They had both dozed off peacefully sleeping whilst their only child died alone in the waves. That was many years ago now, an event that he and his wife never mentioned, they lived together still, but had retreated into their own worlds meeting up occasionally to eat, watch a movie, anything in fact, for they never wanted to relive that fateful day.

Yet, Dr. Roberts lived it now, and as he did, and to his surprise he found tears wetting his cheeks, he touched them feeling there warmth then angrily brushed them away. Putting the picture back in the draw and snapping it closed, he pressing the intercom and said “Next patient please.” In that moment he allowed himself to wonder how Ella had known about Kate and his mother, just for a flash of time, then the moment was gone.

Ella and Mother went home in silence; both were filled with thoughts, Ella wondering what Dr. Roberts had said, had he told mother what she had said... and if so what was mother, not to mention father, going to say? Mother meanwhile was fighting with her own devils, round and round her thoughts went, getting louder and louder until she wanted to put her hands over her ears and scream. Mother controlled herself, taking deep breathes, and as they walked she found herself feeling more relaxed.

When they reached home mother told Ella to go upstairs and wash her hands for lunch, knowing Ella would dawdle and that would give mother time to telephone father at the office and tell him what Dr.Roberts had said. Mother sucked in her breath and dialled the office number, speaking in a low voice in case Ella came down she quickly explained to her husband what the Doctor had said. Father wanted to come home but mother knowing he would only get upset and angry told him she could manage, so they bade goodbye and mother replaced the receiver just as Ella opened the kitchen door.

Mother bustled around making a cheese and pickle sandwich for Ella and a tomato one for herself, Ella brewed two large mugs of tea nervously waiting for mother to speak.

Mother sat down not looking at Ella she said “We have an appointment with another doctor this very afternoon, doctor Roberts kindly arranged it for us whilst we were in the surgery this morning.” Ella didn’t say anything, she was hungry so carried on eating her sandwich. Ella’s Mother, relieved that she was not asking questions, gave her a sudden smile and got up to cut two large slices of fruit cake, one for Ella and one for herself; she felt she had earned it.

Mother backed the car out of the garage, and Ella climbed in the passenger seat, strapping the seat belt around her they drove in silence both lost in their own thoughts. Mother parked carefully in the space provided for visitors at the clinic, they went in through the swing doors and asked at the reception to see Dr. Philips, this was the first time Ella had heard his name she was both curious and afraid. They only had to wait a couple of minutes before they were ushered into his office, a large square room, with the focal point being a massive polished wooden desk behind which sat the doctor, he was small and very fat with a topping of bright red hair, and gold rimmed glasses perched on a pudgy red nose; he stood up when they entered and said jovially “Welcome it is good to meet you both” He didn’t look at Ella as he said it, but held out his hand first to mother, then to Ella who shook it feeling the wet dampness of sweat so much so that she wanted to wipe her hand on her coat, but didn’t dare.

He motioned to the two leather arm chairs in front of the desk and they sat down “Well, well what is this all about?” He looked directly at Ella who stared back, defiance filling her eyes... he scribbled on the note pad in front of him. Ella said nothing, mother nudged her arm and indicated with her head she should speak. Ella didn’t know what to say, “I don’t know why I am here” she said at last. Mother and the doctor exchanged glances, mother spoke “Well doctor Ella burst into tears at school to the point where she was unable to speak or move, I took her to our family doctors this morning and he recommended we came here,” she paused “so here we are” The doctor looked at Ella and said “What were you so upset about Ella?”

Ella had worked out by now, that all this was happening because of what she had said to Dr. Roberts, Mrs Tanners words rang in her ears “People don’t understand, they think you are mad” Yes Ella thought, here is a prime example, she thought quickly “I’m not sure Sir, I was just a bit tired maybe” The doctor narrowed his eyes, looking at Ella in that instant she knew Dr. Roberts had told him everything that had happened at the surgery, she shrank in the chair. “Mmmm I think the best solution is to set up a few appointments with my colleague Mrs Chambers, and she will assess the situation with Ella and then we can try and find a permanent solution.” “What do you think is wrong?” Mother asked, relieved that something was being done, but puzzled at the same time. “At this point in time I cannot say, after Ella has had a few sessions with my counterpart we will know more, please make an appointment in the next two days so we can get started.” Ella and mother were dismissed. Mother dutifully made the appointment with the receptionist on the way out, leaving a telephone number they left. Ella breathed a sigh of relief turning to her mother she said “I’m sorry mum, I didn’t mean to cause all this trouble.” Taking her hand from the steering wheel mother patted her knee; the journey home was made in silence.

When Ella got home she asked if she could go and visit the twins as school had finished and they would be home, Mother agreed but only until teatime, so Ella got changes and set off to Helen and Betty’s house. Knocking on the door she mentally prepared herself for all their questions, the door burst open and they ushered her in both talking at once “Was she okay, what happened, how did she feel today?” Ella laughed for the first time in days, throwing herself down on the couch she tried to explain, the twins were uncommonly quiet as they heard the story, finally Betty broke the silence crying “So those children were following you everywhere and talking ALL the time!” “Yes” “Are they still there?” Betty asked Ella thought for a moment, “No, not really I can hear their chatter but it is farther away now, not so intruding, I think somehow I have shut them out, maybe because I closed my mind down.. Not sure really.”

Now that they both knew Ella was fine the twins were raring to go and play at the lake, so they all got up and shouted for Rufus, he bounced into the room carrying his ball in his mouth and they all set off to the lake.

Tea time in Ella’s house was carried out in silence, her parents had discussed the events of the day when Ella was out with the twins, her brother having no wish to bring attention to himself ate quickly, and left to get ready for scouts as there was a meeting that evening, leaving Ella sitting uncomfortably with her parents saying nothing.

After tea Ella helped her mother clear the table whist father watched the evening news, when they had finished Ella went upstairs and ran herself a lovely hot bath full of bubbles made with some bubble bath she had received for Christmas from her aunt, she sank into the water until only her face was visible above the bubbles, letting the water envelope her she felt safe, tears slowly began to fall down her face, she made no effort to wipe them away but let them fall feeling the healing qualities running through her body, she didn’t know why she was crying, and didn’t care. After a while they stopped, she dipped her head under the water and taking some shampoo washed it vigorously, turning on the shower which hung over the bath she rinsed it clean of soap, then taking a dollop of conditioner she massaged it into her hair and left it to do its work whilst she washed herself from tip to toe. Wrapping herself in a large fluffy towel Ella made her way downstairs and sat in front of the fire in the living room, she watched the end of the Val Dunican show with her parents before heading off to bed.

During the night Ella dreamt of Mrs Tanner, she thought she was telling her not to be afraid, that it would take time but everything would be alright. In the morning Ella felt calm, she could hear the whisperings of the children but they were far away now, closer though were some adult spirits visible as they walked alongside of Ella, they didn’t speak just walked along with her as she went to school. Throughout the day Ella caught flashes of people around her, almost jumping out of her chair. At lunch the twins, in full flow of a story about Rufus’s latest antics, Ella looked sideways and saw an woman sitting in the chair next to her, startled, it took her a moment to realise she was a spirit person, the twins seeing her jump paused the story for an instant, as Ella shot a smile at them they carried on, Ella was not really listening now, she was studying the lady next to her, dark long hair tied back in a bun, slim, wearing a pencil skirt and a crisp white blouse, Ella thought she must be around thirty five because her hair was not grey, on her wrist she wore a distinctive bracelet, silver with a large heart shaped locket as a fastening. The woman smiled at her in that second Ella felt all her pain and longing, Ella tried to ignore the woman focusing her attention back to the twins “You’re not listening!” cried Helen “I am, go on get to the end” Ella replied. The twins finished the story and all three left the lunch hall together, they had a quick walk round the playground, inspected some new lines painted on the tennis courts and made their way to class. Settling in her seat ready for music lesson, Ella suddenly noticed the woman sitting on the edge of the teacher’s desk.

Mr. Thomlinson was new in school, the old music teacher had retired at the end of last term and he was the replacement, Ella had not really taken much notice of the new teacher, she loved music and was always so absorbed in the singing and listening to the music she had not taken much notice of the teacher, she looked at him now, “he’s not very old, well maybe he is probably forty” she thought – To Ella anyone over twenty was old, after forty ancient - Ella saw he had an air of something with him, she felt for a moment and realised it was sadness, when he talked he had a habit of passing his hand through his hair like he was trying to brush something off himself, that lesson Ella didn’t really listen to she was too busy watching Mr.Thomlinson. The lady on the desk was watching him too.

When the bell rang signalling the end of lesson Ella got up with everyone else, collecting her books and school bag ready to take to the next classroom, she found herself moving slowly and when the twins impatiently told her to hurry up she waved them away “Go on! I’ll catch you up, save me a seat” she added as they trotted out into the corridor. Ella was the last one in the classroom now there was Mr.Thomlinson, the lady and Ella. Without the woman saying a word Ella knew this was Mr.Thomlinson’s wife, hovering by the desk now she cleared her throat, Mr.Thomlinson looked up “Yes Ella? Can I help you?” Ella didn’t know what she was going to say, she opened her mouth and as she did so the words rushed out “Your wife, Theresa long dark hair usually in a bun, you gave her a silver bracelet with a heart shaped locket on, she say to tell you she is ok and happier now free of cancer.” Mr.Thomlinson’s’ mouth fell open and formed an O of surprise “Ella!” he stammered “How did you know?” Stopping, his face turned from surprise to anger “How dare you Ella, GET OUT!” he shouted. Ella grabbed her things and ran out into the corridor, and scooted quickly into the next lesson, her heart was racing so much she could hardly get her breath. The twins gave her a look that said “What’s up?” Ella shook her head, her mind jumping backwards and forwards, regretting what she had done and knowing she was going to be in more trouble. It didn’t take long, a prefect knocked and came into the classroom, after a whispered conversation with the teacher in charge Ella heard her name called “Ella! Go with Peter (Peter was the prefect sent to fetch her), the head master wants to see you right away.” A murmur went around the classroom, of course everyone wanted to know why. Ella left the room, her face burning with humiliation she walked behind the prefect, at the headmasters door he turn and indicated to a chair “Sit there” The prefect left, Ella sat slumped forward, rubbing her hands together nervously, elbows resting on her knees, the waiting seemed to go on for hours yet in reality it was only a matter of minutes before the door opened and the headmaster beckoned her in. He motioned to Ella to sit down with a deep frown he asked “Now Ella tell me how you knew the circumstances of Mrs. Thomlinson’s death?” Ella looked down at her feet desperately hoping the ground would open and swallow her up, finally she looked up at the head and shrugged her shoulders “Come, come Ella that won’t do, who told you?” he repeated. Ella knew now how a rabbit felt when it was caught in a bright light, she froze “Right Ella if you are not going to tell me I will have no alternative than to contact your parents.” Tears filled her eyes “Please Sir, I am sorry I didn’t mean to upset Mr.Thomlinson.” “Then tell me how you knew?” Ella bit her lip “It was his wife, she was sitting watching him on the desk in the class room.” Ella said the words tumbling out in a rush. The headmaster looked incredulous “How dare you lie to me!” “Get outside and sit on the chair until I tell you to move!” Ella reluctantly shuffled out of the room and sat stiffly on the chair, she knew the head would call her parents now, she prayed silently to Mrs Tanner “Please help me, I don’t know what to do or say.” Silence. Ella waited with a feeling of doom building inside her.

She didn’t have long to wait before mother came striding down the corridor, not looking at Ella she knocked softly on the headmasters door and went in. After a few minutes mother came out again and pursing her lips into a straight line she said curtly “Follow me.” Mother walked back down the corridor without looking back at Ella who had to jog to keep up with her.

They reached the car, which mother unlocked and motioned Ella to sit in the back seat, not in the front next to mother where she usually was allowed to be. Ella stared out of the window her mind blank as they drove home.

The rest of the day passed in silence, Ella dragged out some of the books she had got from Mrs Tanner and spent the day reading them, mother found lots of jobs to do and rushed around fixing things she had been waiting to do, both absorbed in their own worlds; it was soon time for tea. Father tried to talk to Ella, Ella avoided answering as much as she could, eventually father gave up and told Ella to go to her room which pleased her very much, and she heaved a sigh of relief when she was safely out of earshot.

Today was the first appointment with the therapist: Ella brushed her hair carefully and wondered as she looked in the mirror what would happen. Mother insisted they arrived early as she had to find the place never having been there before, she was fussing about parking, mother was nervous.

They entered the building from a side street and the receptionist asked them to wait in the waiting room indicating a door to her left. As mother opened the door Ella’s immediate thought was how gloomy and dark the room was, there was no window in the room, it was lit by four small lamps on the walls which were a dark cream, the floor was dark wood with a Persian rug underneath a coffee table in the centre of the room, on which lay a number of very old crumpled magazines. “Lovely” thought Ella, if you aren’t depressed before you come you will be sitting here! She was about to smile at her thoughts but one look at mothers face killed the smile dead! Mother sat down and picked up a magazine flicking through the pages, Ella could tell she was not really looking at anything let alone reading it!

The door opened again and the receptionist ushered them out of the room and down a long, badly lit corridor, she knocked on the very last door and pushed it open waving Ella and mother past as she did so, Ella blinked, the room was lit by two large fluorescent lights and two smaller lamps, after the dimness of the waiting room and corridor it took Ella by surprise.

A large overdressed woman came from behind the desk, her hair looked as though a bowl had been put on her head and used as a pattern for the cut. Bright rosy cheeks and a large smile, she stretched out her hand first to mother and then to Ella, they shook it automatically “Sit down, sit down” She boomed, dragging two chairs across the room towards her desk which was overflowing with papers “I am Miss. Turpin, your psychologist. Soon they were all seated “Now tell me what this is all about” she said directing the question generally, mother looked at Ella and motioned her to speak “I’m not sure what to say.” Ella mumbled. The psychologist made a clicking sound with her tongue “Okay Ella, what we are going to do is this, I am going to talk with your mother first, you can go and wait in the waiting room, then we can have a chat, how does that sound?” “Fine” Ella got up and without looking back left the room making sure to close the door quietly. Sitting back in the dower waiting room she fidgeted, not able to settle she wondered what they were talking about, well she knew what they were talking about but wondered what mother was actually saying, just as Ella’s tension reached braking point mother appeared “off you go Ella, remember she is only trying to help you.”

Ella knocked gently on the door not knowing whether she should just walk in or wait she decided to wait Miss.Turpin’ voice boomed out “Come in come” Ella went in and saw Miss. Turpin was seated at a small table in the corner of the room, the table was covered in what seemed to be plastic shapes, she sat down and waited. Miss. Turpin explained that she was going to give Ella a series of tests, she was careful to emphasise there was no pressure to pass anything, the tests were designed to see Ella responses and coordination skills. For the next hour Ella looked at ink blots, put together shapes and answered a series of questions connected to how Ella felt about herself, school, home, life in general and death. Everything was going fine until the questions concerning death came up, then Ella looked Miss. Turpin right in the eyes and said “I do not believe there is such a thing as death” The therapists pen hovered over the paper she was writing on “Pardon?” Ella repeated what she had said. Miss. Turpin put down her writing material and folding her hands together she asked Ella “Why not? Can you explain that to me?” So Ella did, starting right at the very beginning and her days spent with Mrs Tanner, how she felt and saw things in the energy around people, right up to the day before yesterday when she had seen Mr. Thomlinson’s wife sitting on the desk.

Miss. Turpin face became more and more troubled as Ella talked, finally she held up her hand asking Ella to stop talking. “Well dear,” she said “I think we have found the root of you problem, pop back to the waiting room and ask your mother to step in to the office for me, please?” Ella startled, trotted back to the waiting room and sticking her head round the door said “She wants to see you mother.” When Ella’s mother had disappeared back into the office Ella walked outside and took a deep breath, as it filled her lunges she reflected on what had happened, she wasn’t sure but she felt Miss. Turpin was upset at what Ella had said.

In the office Miss. Turpin turned a grave face to Mother “Ella I am afraid is very sick, delusional in fact. I suggest we make a series of appointments over the next few weeks, I feel I would like to see her three times a week at least for the start, then we can make a further assessment in let’s say a month’s time.” She looked at mother, who nodded dumbly, reeling in shock from what she had just heard. Getting out a yellow coloured prescription pad Miss. Turpin wrote on it, scribbling a signature she tore off the top bit and gave it to mother, “I want you to get these today and start giving them to Ella, one with breakfast and one with her tea, you can give the first one at teatime today, you can pop into the chemist at the end of this road he will have them.” Mother took the paper and not even asking what they were for, (as she was so flustered) she then left. Making two more appointments with the receptionist mother looked into the waiting room and experienced a moment of panic when she realise Ella was not there, hurriedly asking if the receptionist had seen her she was directed outside where Ella sat on a wall patiently waiting.

“What did she say?” Ella asked her mother, she didn’t know how to reply, so she said briskly “We must visit the chemist at the end of the road Miss. Turpin has given you a prescription for some tablets.” “Why I’m not ill!” Ella said pulling back “I don’t want to take pills.” “The tablets will make you feel calmer; it’s just for a while until we find out what’s wrong with you properly.” “There is nothing wrong with me!” Ella growled sulkily. Mother walked briskly to the chemist ignoring Ella dragging her feet slowly behind, by the time Ella had reached the shop mother had already got the tablets and was coming out of the shop door carrying them in a white paper bag emblazoned with the chemists name.

They walked slowly together back to the car, neither one wanting to break the silence and speak the unspeakable.

Ella swallowed the pill given to her by mother and slammed the glass down, almost breaking it, onto the kitchen side, turning she marched out of the room, slamming the door behind her mother called falteringly “don’t slam the door Ella please.” Ella allowed herself a smirk as she rushed upstairs to her bedroom, closing the door behind her she threw herself onto the bed and pressed her face into the pillow to muffle the sobs, which were uncontrollable now. Later when the tears had subsided Ella went to the bathroom and splashed her face with cold water, liking the feel as it hit her skin making it tingle. Harry sensing unrest in the family had retreated to his room, Ella could hear the sound of Tubular Bells just loud enough to drown out any unpleasantness, which may drift upstairs in the form of raised voices, Ella grinned, she didn’t blame him. Taking a deep breath Ella went down stairs to see if there was anything to eat, she was hungry. In the kitchen Ella made a cheese and Branston pickle sandwich the pickle dripping out from between the two slices of thick brown bread she had cut from the loaf in the bread bin, a large mug of tea steamed, relaxed and vaguely happy she sat alone at the table in the kitchen, Ella wondered why she felt so calm after all that had happened, then she realised it was like being with Mrs. Tanner, at that moment she became aware of a hand on her shoulder and as she turned she saw Mrs.Tanner smiling at her with such love in her eyes: Ella could hardly breath, “The journey may be tough just now but you will survive, angels are watching over you, your suffering will make you strong.” And then she was gone, Ella felt empty as though all her strength had been sucked out of her, tears began to surface, Ella brushed them away mentally shaking herself she finished the sandwich, carefully washed her plate and mug and went to see what was on television.

Father was asleep I an armchair, Ella knew the moment she changed the channel his eyes would fly open and he would say “I was watching that:” Ella smiled and lay down on the sofa leaving the television as it was, she soon became engrossed in the program which was a documentary about life in Africa.

When the program finished Ella kissed father goodnight and went to bed, tomorrow is a new day she thought, closing her eyes and in seconds she was asleep.

When Ella awoke the next morning she had come to a resolution, she was NOT going to take those tablets. Setting her mouth in a firm line she went down to breakfast, the tablets were already nestling besides her cereal bowl, a small glass of water beside them, mother was studiously ignoring Ella pretending to busy herself with the toaster, Ella picked up the pills putting them into her mouth, and as she took a sip of water slid the tablets under her tongue, she handed the glass to her smiling mother, as soon as mother turned her back Ella spat the tablets into her hand and slipped them into her pocket.

Ella left for school, calling in for the twins on her way they chatted happily all the way into class.

Ella’s life settled back into a routine, outwardly giving an air of normality. Ella didn’t tell the twins about Miss. Turpin, she made excuses that she had to help her mother after school on the days she had an appointment with the therapist, thinking about why, Ella realised she was ashamed.

Very quickly Ella learnt what to say and what not to say, she tried to be truthful at first but soon realised Miss. Turpin had no idea or wish to understand anything she had not been taught, and her reading obviously cantered around the academic side of the mind and emotions never reaching the fullness of the soul, so Ella told half-truths, she talked of her feelings of loneliness, of standing outside of her family and friends (the twins of course were not included in this dialogue), vainly Ella tried to convey her inner self without touching the realms of spirituality, energy or spirits, sometimes it was very difficult. The sessions droned on, thankfully after a few weeks they were reduced to twice a week and later to once a week. Ella devised all manner of ways to get rid of the pills and smiled to herself every time the therapist talked with mother about how they were obviously helping a great deal.

As Ella’s life settled back into much of its old patterns she often found herself invited to the twin’s grandmother friends’ houses, and of course they wanted to hear from their loved ones. Ella enjoyed these meetings enormously, especially the large cream cakes always bought in her honour.

Ella learnt to shut her senses to the spirit world when she was in school, or with her parents visiting their friends where she was expected to “behave” as mother warned her, waging her finger in the space in front of Ella’s face, so Ella often sat quietly, mentally talking to friends and relatives drawn near to their families when she was visiting, hoping to get a message of love to the ones they had left behind.

Ella and the twins loved to take a picnic and go to the lake and of course Rufus, older now, but still full of life trotted along with them barking at nothing as usual, the girls laughing as they hid behind trees from him, Ella could always relax and laugh with the twins.

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. Ella became an expert at giving Miss. Turpin at least one small crisis to solve during their weekly session together, everybody was happy.

Looking back Ella could not find any reason to have foreseen events, the day started as normal, the sun even shone early in the morning, the twins were chattering as the three girls made their way to school, the maths test was passed by all three, and they celebrated with an extra doughnut from the tuck shop at break time, finding a tennis ball on their way home they played running catch until they reached the twins house where they had sprawled out in the living room and watched Cracker Jack until it was time for Ella to go home for tea.

They had arranged to meet later as Betty wanted to go to the library and change her books, so Helen and Ella agreed to accompany her and they decided to change their books as well. Ella finished the last chapter of her book whilst she was eating her tea, luckily mother had gone to a W.I. meeting and father was still at work, otherwise she would not have been allowed to sit and read while eating at the table. Finishing the book and closing it with a decisive snap Ella realised she would be too late to meet the twins if she didn’t hurry, so Ella ran as fast as she could to the corner where she had arranged to meet Helen and Betty, as she neared the appointed place she slowed, disappointed they were no were insight, feeling rejected Ella came to a halt and leant on the wall, she was just about to turn around and go home when Helen and Betty jumped out from behind the wall “Boo” screaming and laughing: Ella’s face lit up with a big smile “I thought you had left me.” She said “Why Ella don’t be so stupid, of course we wouldn’t leave you.” Feeling silly Ella put her arms around the twins shoulders “Sorry, sometimes I am just over-sensitive.” “We know!” Betty and Helen chorused “We know.” They marched off to the library together trying to keep in step, Ella still with her arms around their shoulders.

Story hour was just about to start, so the girls joined the other children sitting on cushions on the floor; they spent an enthralling hour lost in the dragon’s den. When the lady had finished reading she gently closed the book all the children clapped thank you, thank you they cried, it had been an entrancing story and everyone had enjoyed it even some adults had stopped to listen. The girls separated and went to choose their next week’s reading, they all had very different tastes though all three agreed that The Secret Seven and Famous Five books, both sets by Enid Blyton, were brilliant and the girls had all read them many times. It took another hour or so for them to choose their books, Ella had three, one science fiction, a historical novel and a Tibetan meditation book. Ella was already starting to read her science fiction book as she waited for Helen and Betty. Betty sat down beside her with a sigh “Might as well make ourselves comfortable you know what Helens like:” As Betty had predicted it was another twenty minutes before Helen joined them, a large thick book under one arm and two thinner ones under the other. Grinning she said “Come on then!” “Finally:” grumbled Betty “what on earth have you got there:” nodding her head towards the large heavy looking book under Helens arm “Ahh well it’s a book about bugs, I want to draw some and this is full of pictures.” Ella and Betty exchanged a glance “Come on then, it is getting late and it is dark outside, we don’t want to worry Gran do we?” Helen and Betty´s parents had gone to a dinner dance that evening and the twins grandmother was looking after them for the evening. The girls hurried out into the dark night, pulling their coats tight around them for it had turned chilly whilst they had been inside the library. Ella looked up at the darkening sky and sniffed “Shouldn’t be surprised if we have snow tonight,” She remarked, they were half way home before it started a trickle, at first tiny white dots landing on their faces and melting immediately, but by the time they had got to the first crossing the snow was falling thick and strong, the cold biting at their hands and faces as they struggled to walk faster. At the corner where they had met they then parted, by now the ground was thick with snow and it was coming down so fast they could hardly see each other, a few cars passed them on the road going so slowly they could nearly keep up with them when walking. “Yippee,” shouted Helen as they parted. ”What?” Ella had stopped and turned to look at Helen “Maybe school will be shut tomorrow, if so come over we can go sledging” Helen shouted “Ok, see you tomorrow.” Ella said, cupping her hands around her mouth to form a funnel “Byeeee.” The twins waved and disappeared into the snow, Ella trudged home, by the time she arrived she could no longer feel her hands, they were so cold so she was very happy to drink the hot chocolate her mother had warming on the stove ready for her arrival. “Here sit by the fire and get warm” said mother, thrusting the warm chocolate into Ella’s hands; Ella sat listening to a play on the radio with mother feeling very content.

When Ella entered the kitchen the next morning the first thing she saw was her mother sitting at the table a grim yet frightened look on her face, Ella thought “oh no, she must have realised I am not taking my tablets.” Mother cleared her throat and patted the chair next to her indicating Ella should sit down. Ella perched nervously on the edge of the chair whilst running through a list of excuses in her mind. Mother caught hold of her hand, falteringly she said “Ella I am so sorry, Helen and Betty were hit by a bus yesterday evening after they left you,” she paused “Ella I am afraid they both died on their way to hospital.” Ella heard someone screaming louder and louder, she couldn’t see, blinded by the tears in her eyes, she wanted them to stop screaming, when she was grabbed and held in her mother’s arms, then she realised the screaming was coming from herself. In that moment Ella’s mind went spiralling down into darkness, she couldn’t walk, talk or even think, it was as if she was being pulled round and round faster and faster until mercifully all went black. Ella had fainted, mother reached for the telephone and called the doctors surgery, as soon as the receptionist answered she asked to speak to Dr. Roberts, quickly she explained what had happened and asked him to visit immediately and help Ella who was beginning to make strange wailing sounds, her eye tightly shut, tears flowing down her cheeks... she made no effort to brush them away but lay where she had fallen, her body so heavy she didn’t think she would ever get up again. Mother knelt on the floor beside her stroking her face and making small crooning sounds every so often. Dr. Roberts did not take long to arrive as the surgery was only on the next road... mother was at the door before he reached it, as she had heard his car as it had turned into the driveway, thankfully the road had been cleared by the snow plough earlier. Turning she beckoned the doctor after her, putting his bag onto the kitchen table he opened it and took out a syringe and small bottle of clear fluid labelled Methotrimeprazine, it was a powerful sedative “Can we get Ella up to her room?” he asked looking at mother “then I can administer this which will allow her to sleep then we can work out the next step.” Mother and Dr. Roberts helped Ella to her feet and practically carried her upstairs. Ella had withdrawn, and was hardly aware of stumbling upstairs held between mother and Dr. Roberts, let alone being undresses and placed under the covers. Dr. Roberts went downstairs again, and fetched the injection after he had administered it mother and Dr. Roberts went silently down stairs “What am I going to do?” she said, arms outstretched, shoulders hunched she crumpled onto the nearest chair. Dr. Roberts patted her shoulder “When is Ella’s next appointment with Miss. Turpin?” “Not for two days:” Mother said quietly, “Do you think I should make an emergency appointment with Ella’s therapist?” she asked, anxiety clearly sounding in her voice. “Yes I think that would be a wise idea; and keep her at home for the next few days, at least until she has been seen at the clinic.”

After the doctor had left mother lifted the telephone receiver to dial fathers office number, he had left for work before mother had received the news from the twins sobbing grandmother. Mother relayed what had happened she could feel fathers tension through the telephone line, they talked for a while, when mother put the receiver down she stood motionless listening to the silence.

Ella slept all day, when she finally awoke she was disorientated, only half aware she wondered if it had been a dream then with crashing realisation she relived the moments when her mother had told her of the twins passing, Ella sat up in bed twisting the sheet in her hand, tears streaming down her face she looked upwards and silently asked God, the angels her spirit guides “WHY! the twins, bring them back, you can’t take them away from me, they are so happy and full of joy how could you do this!” “Please, please let them be alive, I’ll do anything.” Ella pleaded then getting angry she shouted out loud “Haven’t I suffered enough? You take Mrs. Tanner, grandpa, who else are you going to take away?” Ella picked up her pillow and threw it, then a book from her bedside table slammed against the wall, her bedside lamp followed. all, this was accompanied by a wrenching scream from Ella, she screamed in desperation, feeling her lungs bursting: mother rushed into the room “Stop it stop it it’s alright Ella I’ve got you.” She cried as she moved forward and gathered a flailing Ella into her arms, mother held on with all her might. Ella, finding herself pinned down stopped moving and became very still, tears were still falling from her eyes, but now she made no sound. Mother held Ella, stroking her hair and making a soothing sound, but Ella sat ridged in her arms thinking “I want to die I want to die.” Over and over again the words circled round in her head. Finally mother, feeling perhaps Ella had calmed down let go and sat down on the edge of the bed “Would you like some tea and toast?” she asked, Ella looked at her not really seeing, she nodded her head knowing it would make mother feel better if she ate something “Do you want to come downstairs for it?” Ella shook her head mother rose patting her arm “That’s alright dear, I will go and make it and bring it up for you.” Ella nodded, she didn’t speak, she couldn’t speak, she felt if she opened her mouth to speak she would start screaming again and perhaps never be able to stop.

When mother brought up the tea and hot buttered toast Ella forced herself to eat it under the watchful eye of mother who had positioned herself on the end of Ella’s bed. There was a loud, uncomfortable silence whilst Ella ate, it seemed as though every crumb was trying to choke her, even the tea tasted awful, yet Ella persevered until she had eaten every morsel and drained the mug of tea, she held the empty mug and plate out to mother, standing up mother bent over and kissed Ella “Try and sleep my dear, things will look better in the morning.”

This sent a flow of rage throughout Ella’s body, she wanted to jump out of bed and scream at her Mother “It will NEVER be better how can you say that!” instead she bit hard on the back of her hand enjoying the pain. The next hours of Ella’s life were a jungle of feelings punctuated by indeterminable thoughts running in multiple directions through her mind, eventually exhausted Ella slept.

She was falling rapidly down a long dark tunnel, suddenly hitting solid ground she felt winded and gasped to catch her breath, she could hear the sound of voices, some weak, some loud, and strong shouting “I’m here, over here please help me.” Looking around she could make out people in the shadows, Ella was afraid, she turned slowly around trying to make sense of where she was, feeling a hand touching her shoulder she spun round and nearly knocked over a wizened old man with piercing blue eyes and black teeth “Are you here to find someone?” He asked kindly, “Where am I?” Ella asked her voice high and squeaky “Don’t you know you are in the land of lost souls, the ones who are waiting to be led onwards.” Ella could see better now, her eyes were adjusting to the gloom, she could make out five other people besides the old man, a small girl around three or four sitting next to an older boy, who was only nine or so, close by were two women one who looked to be ancient the other in her fifties; these two clung together, rocking in silent motion a man sat alone, well-dressed, stiff in his demeanour, quite young, Ella found out later he was only forty three... they all looked at her expectantly “Hello.” she said, feeling foolish, one part of her mind wondering what on earth she should do or say to these lost people “I am looking for my friends Betty and Helen have you seen them?” “No we haven’t had any arrivals since that one came over.” He pointed a grubby finger towards the little girl “They may be on their way or they could be in play land, it depends.” “On what?” questioned Ella, “What they believe, it’s what they believe that puts them where they start off.” “oh.” Mused Ella, trying to remember exactly what the twins did believe, she knew they had formed their own idea of heaven more like play land she thought “That’s it, play land, I have to find them and show them the way out so they can learn for their next incarnation.” Ella surprised herself, she had no idea where these ideas were coming from but knew instinctively she was right. Ella wanted to leave and knew if she allowed herself she would be transported to where she might find the twins, but her sense of duty was strong, looking at the sad people in the room she sighed “Can I help you? Would you like to move on? We could try and find your family and ask them if they would show you the way.” Six pairs of eyes fastened onto her “My grandmother is here somewhere.” The little boy told her “My mother,” the small girl said with a lisp “Most of my family” said the old lady.

Ella clapped her hands the sound reverberated in the small room “All right, all right, first we need to talk so gather round.” They all sat in a circle and Ella began to talk about love: she instinctively understood that they were here because they didn’t feel loved, the little girl and boy had both been too young to comprehend the concept of dying, and where they should go, their earthly deaths had all so been sudden and unexpected leaving them separated from those waiting for them. The young man had never been able to connect with people in his life, he had spent much time living alone so when he had a heart attack due to overworking, he arrived lost and had no way of knowing his grandparents would come for him and that he would reunited with his beloved cousins, aunts and uncles, who he had lost as a child.

The old lady had always taken care of everyone else, never asking, nor expecting anything in return, so that when she found the younger woman alone and scared she had let go of waiting for anyone to come for her, instead she had taken care of the woman until she had forgotten to look for the light of her own family. The younger woman had left because of cancer, it had been a long, painful and frightening illness, she felt she had abandoned her children and husband and came to the lost souls feeling it was all she deserved.

The old man admitted he had not been nice to his wife and children, drinking and gambling, and leaving his family to nearly starve. Sometimes he didn’t think anyone would care where he was, so stayed even though he was sorry now.

As Ella listened to their stories she realised they had in fact moved on just by realising the mistakes they had made. She bowed her head and mentally called out to those who were waiting to receive these people to step forward and lead them onto the next stage of their journey, as she did so the room filled with light she heard the little girl cry out “nanna nanna!” one by one they left, soon the room was empty again and Ella was alone, she felt empty even though she inwardly understood she had reached a new level of knowledge, and learnt a valuable lesson, she could not help but feel cheated as she had not found the twins.

When Ella woke up she lay staring at the ceiling, her mind blank and her emotions dead. At ten o’clock mother pushed open her bedroom door, Ella knowing she was there still didn’t move. Mother came over and looked down at her, mothers face was filled with concern and anxiety “Are you coming downstairs dear?” she asked “You could lie on the sofa and watch television if you like.” This Ella knew was a huge treat, mother thought television was not for day time viewing, under any other circumstances Ella would have been overjoyed, not today though, possibly not ever she thought. She pulled her eyes over to look at her mother and with a barely discernible shake of her head she resumed looking at the ceiling. Mother watched her for a second and then quietly left the room.

Ella’s world collapsed: she lay in bed numb, incapable of movement, inwardly her mind was shrieking, calling out to everything she knew, between pitiful cries rage overcame her and she plucked angrily at the bed clothes her body twisting and turning. Several times she shouted out without realising which brought mother running into her room startling Ella, but still she didn’t speak... all day she lay alternating, anger and sadness raging at the spirit world and begging Mrs.Tanner to help; there was a deafening silence until Ella, exhausted fell once more into a troubled sleep.

Floating she felt warm and safe and even though she didn’t want to move, perhaps ever again, she slowly began to look around: here Ella seemed to be in a large forest, huge trees towered above her, massive trunks holding the branches aloft, so much so that hardly any sunlight was visible through the foliage. Ella found herself walking now along a small winding path, she began to admire the beauty of the trees, and some flowers which struggled to reach the sunlight. causing them have long thin stems, their faces turned upwards towards what little light there was.

Hearing the sound of water, made Ella feel thirsty, she left the tract and followed the sound until she came to a small stream with crystal clear water running over shiny pebbles, bending down she cupped her hands and gathered up some water, it tasted fresh and clean, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand she took stock of where she was, wondering why she had come here and what she was supposed to do. Ella soon found out, just as she had decided to make her way back to the path she had been on a small boy popped out from behind one of the larger trees “Hello!” “Are you looking for someone, my names Liam” Ella jumped “I don’t know.” she said, immediately thinking how silly that sounded “Well there are lots of children here, we are playing hide and seek, do you want to play?” Ella, feeling totally confused didn’t really know what to say Liam held out his hand and automatically she took it. Liam led her through the trees to a small clearing, he began to shout “Helloooo! Hellooooo! Come back we have a new friend!” “Come on hurry.” From all over children of different ages appeared, and all talking at once, Liam shushed them “This is?” he looked at her expectantly “Ella” she supplied, a chorus of “Hello Ella” greeted her, and a few called out their names “I’m Alice.” “Fredrick” “Paul” “Timothy” “Sarah” one of the older ones said sternly “Quiet, she won’t remember all your names if you just shout them out like that.” The children quietened down, some sat on logs strewn around the glade, and others threw themselves onto the grass, all eyes were on the older boy and Ella.

Turning to her, he held out his hand “I am Seth, I have been here the longest, and usually help the new arrivals.” Suddenly he gave a small cry and abruptly let go of Ella’s hand “But, but” he stuttered “you’re not dead!” Loud gasps and exclamations came from the children, watching. Ella stepped back alarmed “No I am looking for my friends Betty and Helen, have you seen them?”

He didn’t answer her, instead he fired questions in a fierce voice “How did you get here?” “Who told you about this place?” “Are you going back?” “I don’t know how I found you; the last thing I remember is falling asleep in my bed at home.” She went on falteringly “I..., my friends, my best friends Betty and her twin sister Helen, we were, they were, they were run over, we had been to the library, they’re dead, they’re dead, I’m trying to find them.” Tears were running down her face and her voice trailed away, she gulped and looked at all the expectant faces, they looked from Ella to Seth as if watching a tennis match. Seth said quietly “oh, we have never had a live person here before.” He scratched his head and sat down muttering “what are we going to do with you?” to himself more than Ella. Puzzled Ella knelt beside him “I don’t understand why is my being here such a problem?”

Seth gave her a curious look then said curtly “Stay there.” Beckoning to the others they huddled in a circle round him, Ella strained to hear what was being said but they were all talking so quietly, she failed to hear more than the odd word which didn’t make any sense. By now she was beginning to feel afraid, she had read of people being trapped in the spirit world unable to return to their bodies, so Ella started to make a plan of escape, just at that moment Seth came striding over he looked at her anxiously “Can we trust you?” “Of course, Yes.” Ella replied.

Settling down on the grass, Seth pulled Ella next to him, all the other children gathered round, then he cleared his throat “We, that is all of us here, have chosen to live in the forest without any supervision from adults or family, some passed over not knowing who their relatives were because they, like me, had been abandoned at birth, grew up in orphanages, some were badly treated, beaten and abused by their so -called parents, every one of us has a reason to be here. We support each other, we are a big happy family.” “Why don’t you want anyone to know, I don’t understand?” Ella said, Seth’s look became grave “I know, well we all know, we should expand, move on, learn from our experiences but we avoid moving by choosing to ignore the lessons and just live as...have you’ve read Peter Pan?” Ella nodded “Well I suppose we are like the children in the story only we live in our forest not Never Never Land.” He grinned, yet Ella felt sadness too. She paused for a moment wanting to try and find the right words “I won’t tell anybody I promise but,” She let her gaze travel over all the children “the lives you had were for you or someone else to learn from, I know how unhappy you all must have felt, how unprotected and alone, it doesn’t make sense, or help you, for me to say you may have been part of someone else’s learning, or perhaps it was for you to grow, a lesson you had not experienced before, you, all of you can, if you allow yourselves, move on and reincarnate to a different experience, but only if you choose to let go of the life you have created here.” Ella stopped, she wasn’t sure how to continue, a voice asked “But what if we reincarnate and have the same things happen again?” “Yes!” two or three other voices shouted, a general murmur going through the crowd. “What have you learnt from your experience?” “Is the only thing you learn to hide away here?” The children were silent watching Ella intensely. “Do you fight with each other?” she asked, heads shook vigorously “So, you have learnt to accept each other to talk, to help?” Heads nodded now, looks were exchanged and smiles broke out. Ella suddenly felt on solid ground “You have learnt something then, haven’t you?” “Somewhere there is love waiting for you, people who know you are here, they have also expanded and realised that perhaps there is a better, more loving way to be, they want to help, possibly they have learnt it is their duty, even penance: just as you all love and support each other so they will too, all you have to do is let go and you will move on to your next stage of development whether that is learning in a community here or reincarnating, that I don’t know, what I do know is it’s your choice as much as you chose to be here, you can choose to move on.”

The children were looking at Ella with stunned expressions ranging from fear to elation, all at once Ella felt herself being pulled back to her body she awoke with a start, for a moment she was disorientated not realising where she was then the memory came flooding back, she turn and wept into her pillow.

Mother came into her bedroom and insisted that Ella got up and washed and dressed, for they were going to the therapist today. Ella felt as though she had been dragged through a bush and back, every muscle in her body ached, her legs felt wobbly and detached from her body, she washed slowly, picking up the hair brush she tried to brush out the tangles in here hair but found she hardly had the strength, she took the brush downstairs, silently handing it to mother she sat down. Mother brushed her hair as gently as she could.

There was a sandwich and a glass of milk waiting for Ella, she ate trying not to choke, each bite felt three times the size it was, but mother was watching and Ella wanted to please her. They set off together to the therapists, mother went in first alone. Ella waited in the reception room staring into space. It wasn’t long before mother came out and beckoned Ella into the room, she sat down in her usual chair. Miss. Turpin looked at her expectantly “You have had a rough few days haven’t you Ella.” She said, over brightly Ella looked at her she though “That’s a bit of an understatement.” But didn’t say anything, Miss Turpin tried again “Would you like to talk about your friends and what has happened?” Ella shook her head “It helps to talk about things Ella.” Silence “Come on now Ella, stop being so silly, you will have to talk sometime.” Ella could feel the anger rising inside her, how dare that woman speak to her like that telling her she had to talk. Ella gave Miss Turpin a hard stare, and she shuffled uncomfortable in her chair pursing her lips. Miss Turpin told Ella that she would have to increase her medication if she was not going to talk about things, Ella thought “go on then I am not taking it anyway”: that thought gave her a moment of pleasure. The hour long session seemed endless, Miss Turpin tried to persuade Ella to talk, and Ella sat studiously ignoring her, finally it was time to leave, Ella got up opened the door without a backwards glance and went outside and waited by the car.

Miss Turpin had called mother back into her office to give her a new prescription for Ella and to ask her to bring Ella back tomorrow, mother had earlier told Miss Turpin that Ella was not talking, which Miss Turpin had now confirmed for herself and was concerned. After confirming their appointment mother drove Ella home.

Once again mother told Ella she was allowed to watch television, and once again Ella declined and went up to her room, sitting down on the bed she wrapped the bedspread around herself, staring into space she started to pray which soon deteriorated into pleading with the spirit world, God, the Universe, finally shouting out to Mrs Tanner to bring her friends to her, that brought mother into her room “Please Ella, don’t cry so much.” She said “I’ll try not to.” Ella mumbled, satisfied mother left and Ella returned silently to her pleading.

On one level Ella new the twins were gone that this was the plan for them and she must accept it, but, she didn’t yet completely accept what had happened, she could not believe that the only friends she had were gone, and now she was furiously angry with everyone wherever they were, on earth or not. A part of her was also curious: why had she been to those places in the other worlds, why had she met the people she had and why now? Not ready however to examine deeply the whys and wherefores, those thoughts were fleeting, she didn’t follow them but left them floating.

Time passed: Ella surrounded herself in a bubble, shutting everybody out, her journeys into the spirit world began to become more frequent even when she was awake she would find times that she could not account for, couldn’t remember where she had been, or what she had been doing. During these times she would find herself on different dimensions, sometimes she would sit in a circle listening to wise words coming from a philosopher, at other times she would find herself witnessing the teachings of spiritual leaders, healers, and “talkers,” then speaking up, she herself imparted what she had learnt to others, perhaps trapped by their preconceived thoughts before they arrived in the spirit world, now she felt she was helping them. Gradually she realised those first days after Helen and Betty passed and the experiences she had then, were the first step to her own new growth of knowledge, this also came with the unfortunate realisation, she had opened to this because of experiencing the loss of her friends.

Ella had begun to talk to people again, and had in fact returned to school where most teachers and pupils were sympathetic but avoided talking to her, especially about Betty and Helen, and often groups of students seeing her approach would rush off in different directions... so Ella was very lonely.

Miss Turpin tried everything she knew to get Ella to talk about her deepest thoughts. Ella resisted this with all her being, since the first time she had been open and honest with Miss Turpin had

resulted in medication and many visits to her office, Ella now held her own counsel.

The time loss and strange dreams were becoming more frequent and noticeable, it was as though Ella lived more in other dimensions than her own, so much so that Ella had no wish to remain earth bound, so one day, without even thinking she found a bottle of her tablets and with a sweet mug of tea took all of them before she went to school. Later that day Ella collapsed, surrounded by teachers and pupils alike, all asking what had happened. Ella finally admitted what she had done! The school called an ambulance and Ella was duly rushed off to the local hospital where she endured a stomach pump, when she had slept for a while mother and father were allowed to take her home.

“Why?” the question hung heavily in the air, Ella didn’t have an answer for her parents, not one that she was willing or able to share, so she sat quietly in the back of the car gulping the sobs away, feeling sorry she had upset everyone so much but still groping for a feeling of belonging.

Because of the time losses, the strange things that Ella had done and said, and the attempted suicide Miss Turpin diagnosed Ella with a condition called Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, as according to Miss Turpin all of Ella’s symptoms fitted with the disease. Ella went along with this as it seemed to soothe her parents and to some extent, Miss Turpin seemed to feel better now she had a name for Ella’s problem, the sessions in her office once more reduced to once a week, Ella flushed her medication down the toilet, mother and father relaxed with her and life slipped into a regular pattern once more.

Ella had tentatively made a new friend Kate, and through her had met and formed a relationship with Kate’s older brother David. Being nearly twelve years older than Ella and at university he was interested in all sorts of ideas, music and particularly food. Ella loved to explore new things and spent a lot of time talking to him in turn he introduced her to different cuisine’s, Indian, Chinese and Malayan, the more time they spent together the closer they became, in time this led to a more intimate relationship one which Ella hid from her parents knowing they would not approve.

As Ella grew more involved and attached to David she began to lie more and more to her parents, where she was, who she was with all had to be hidden. Ella became adapt at the stories she would tell. Ella, not yet fourteen was being led by her emotional self, unaware of this, and even though a part of her was ashamed at the lies she was telling, she knew her parents would never sanction this relationship, or probably any other, so Ella schemed and lied for months until one day in May 1970, when once again Ella’s life turned upside down.

David had been talking about a new club that had opened in town it was “the place to be,” but Ella was desperate to go and knew her parents would never allow it, especially with David.

David said they played soul and Tamla Mo town music which she loved, she was also jealous of who David talked to in the club, so as it was summer Ella had asked if she could sleep out in her little tent in the garden knowing that she could sneak out and go to the club.

Excited and apprehensive Ella got the tent ready for her “sleep out” Ella sat in the tent reading until it got dark, mother had said goodnight and told her the back door would be open if she wanted to come in and go to her own bed. Ella waited, anticipation growing, she heard a noise and poked her head out of the tent flap, David knelt by the tent “Come on he whispered” Ella followed him out of the garden and down the drive once they were well away from the house they began giggling like two small children, they walked for a while and then sat down on a bench by the side of the road talking about the stars. David pointing out various constellations, some bats were flying around and Ella shivered, David laughed at her and told her not to be silly, they wouldn’t hurt her. David took her hands in his and looked at her intently “Ella instead of going to the club, lets walk up to the farm and just be together, I don’t want to share you with all those people.” Ella was filled with joy at his words, all thoughts of the club disappeared, she nodded yes.

The sky was clear and even though it was a crescent moon there was plenty of light as they wandered up the lane to the old farm, they stopped to watch a small baby rabbit as he sat cleaning himself by the side of the road, when he eventually saw them he ran, his white bob tail flashing in the night. A large spotted brown owl flew almost silently overhead. As they walked they talked. Reaching the dirt tract which led to the old farm they sat on the top of the dry stone wall, David brought out a small bar of chocolate and they shared it in silence listening to the sounds of the night, the odd hoot of an owl, a lamb shouting for its mother, and the long low cry of a lonely fox: Ella was at peace.

They sat for a while, and Ella feeling tired now said she should probably go and get some sleep, so they took a slow walk back, when they reached the bottom of Ella’s road they talked for a while, standing in the driveway of the large corner house, empty now as its owners were abroad for a year. As they chatted they sat down on the grass in the garden they were both getting very tired, now, suddenly out of nowhere a police car arrived flashing lights sirens going! Panicking Ella and David dived under the tall hedge which surrounded the garden “I wonder where they are going” whispered David, to their astonishment the police car stopped outside the gates of the where they were hiding, two policemen got out of the car turning on flash lights, they walked into the grounds of the house and began looking around.

Ella could hear their radios, crackly voices asking if they had found anyone, Ella’s heart was pounding in her chest, she vaguely felt David squeeze her hand, looking at him she saw he had a finger to his lips indicating she should be quiet, “as though I’m going to make a noise now” Ella thought. Crossly she watched the policemen as they systematically pointed their flash lights at the house checking to see if it was alright. Ella realised that a neighbour must have seen them and thought they were burglars so had called the police, she was getting cramp in her legs from staying so long in one position, the branches of the hedge were tickling her face... she began praying for them to leave. Finally they seemed satisfied one of them said into his radio “All secure ´Sarge`” Whoever was on the other end of the radio said something, Ella couldn’t hear, without realising she heaved a sigh of relief, one of the officers swung round his torch shining right into her white scared face “You there come out!” Ella scrambled out looking around she caught a glance OF David pressing himself further back into the greenery “What are you doing?” “NNNothing,” stammered Ella “what’s your name and where do you live.” The policeman said a little more kindly seeing how young she was. Ella’s whole body began to shake “My name is Ella Pierce and I live just around the corner.” “Stay there,” the constable began to talk into his radio telling his sergeant what had happened, they spoke for a few seconds then he said to Ella “Right young lady, let’s take you home to your parents.” He began to walk up the road, Ella followed as slowly as she could when they reached her house he rang the doorbell. Ella’s father opened the door in his dressing gown his eyes widened when he saw Ella and the policeman, a short conversation later and father sent Ella to bed with a curt “I will deal with you later.” Ella undressed and lay in bed wondering what David was doing now.

David stayed hidden in the bushes, watching the remaining policeman as he rechecked the house, as the officer left the garden and walked towards his car opening the door, David finally felt safe to move a little, his feet, legs and back had gone to sleep not to mention he was freezing cold now. That was a mistake the officer had not got into the car as David had thought, but was standing listening for sounds, he had been a constable long enough to know it was unlikely Ella had been alone, he distinctly heard David move. “Out you come, NOW!” he said David froze “I know you are there. out you come.” Hesitating for a second David pushed his way out of the hedge “Well, well, well, what have we here?”

The policeman took David’s name and address, learning he was twenty two years old he called for a backup car and arrested David on suspicion of burglary and took him to the local police station where he was interviewed by an inspector.

Of course David denied even thinking of robbing the house, he explained what Ella and himself had been doing, they took his belt and shoes and locked him up they told him he would be there until they had corroborated his story with Ella.

The police arrived at Ella’s house promptly at nine o’clock, Ella had been up for over an hour, practically dragged out of bed by her parents who had grilled her relentlessly on her night’s adventures, Ella’s mother was distraught, father was justifiably furious, Ella squirmed and tried to lie her way out of things. Then Ella, knowing she must, told the truth, with head down she admitted planning the whole thing, she even admitted to wanting to go to the club.

Mother and father were appalled, they realised this was not the first time she had lied to them, they pushed for details of her relationship with David, Ella came clean telling them of their outings, father began pacing, a sure sign he was angry, and mother, head in hands seemed to be crying, Ella stony faced and defiant launched into her story.

The police questioned Ella and she answered cautiously but truthfully, when they left Ella was sent to her room in shame. Ella was banned from seeing or talking to David, an appointment was made at the therapists; Ella was still in disgrace.

What Ella didn’t know was David had been accused of underage sex with her, it wasn’t until she had been taken to a doctors and examined to see if she was a virgin, a very dubious situation considering how many ways a hymen can be broken, it was an excruciating embarrassing experience, the end result being that Ella had been violated. This was in fact completely untrue, poor David was charged, Ella never knew what happened to him as she never saw him again after that night.

Ella herself was mortified: open as she was to the energies of spirit everything intensified, each night she went in her astral body in search of the twins, it seemed Mrs.Tanner had deserted her completely. Ella felt so alone and unconnected to the earth.

Miss Turpin convinced that Ella had temporal lobe epilepsy brought Ella and her parents together to describe the symptoms to them. She began by explaining the symptoms felt by the person, and the signs observable by others, during seizures. She explained that commonly Simple Partial Seizures (SPS) involved small areas of the temporal lobe such as the amygdala or the hippocampus. The term “simple” meant that consciousness is not altered. In temporal lobe epilepsy, (SPS) usually only partial illusion and sensations occur. These sensations may manifest as déjà vu (a feeling of familiarity), jamais vu (a feeling of unfamiliarity), a specific single or set of memories, or amnesia.

Miss Turpin continued: the sensations may be auditory such as a sound or tune, gustatory such as a taste, or olfactory such as a smell that is not physically present. She paused, the sensations can also be visual, involve feelings on the skin or in the internal organs. The latter feelings may seem to move over the body.

Dysphoric or euphoric feelings, fear, anger, and other sensations can also occur during SPS. Often, it is hard for persons with SPS of TLE to describe the feeling. SPS are often called “auras” by lay persons who mistake them for a warning sign of a subsequent seizure. In fact, they are actual seizures in and of themselves.

There was a silence, Ella had listened intently but had not understood all the big words used, but she did have the sense to realise here was an explanation that all the adults in the room were feeling right about. Ella knew they were wrong. Father was the first person to speak “Yes that sounds right, it would explain Ella’s insistence she saw and heard dead people.” The last bit of the sentence being more of a question he waited for conformation. “It would seem to account for her “visions” and some of her behaviour.” They talked as though she wasn’t there. Ella’s mind wandered away, she knew whatever she said it would not be listened to, the adults had made up their minds.

Ella spiralled into a vortex: the air around her became cloudy, the sound of her parents and Miss Turpin talking seemed very far away now, then she heard them, a giggle then a shout Ella!! Ella!!! It was Helen and Betty, tears ran down Ella’s face as she embraced the girls “Thank God I have been looking everywhere for you where have you been?” Betty and Helen became very still in a whisper Betty said “Oh Ella it was awful, when we left you we were walking down the road holding hands so as not to slip over and hurrying, as you know it was snowing so much we could hardly see, the truck came out of nowhere, and hit us from the back, we didn’t even realise we had been hit let alone died at first, we carried on walking home but when we got there no-one except dear Rufus could see us, we kept calling out to grandmother and mom and dad, Rufus came over and was whining really loudly but mom told him to go in his basket and lie down, so he did.” Helen took up the story “We were there when the police came, mom fainted and dad had to call the doctor to give her something as she just kept screaming and screaming, and all the time we were trying to cuddle her and tell her we were there.” “Dad sat with his head in his hands for hours just sitting not moving, grandma started to clean, Helen gave a small ironic laugh “Actually that was when we realised we were actually dead! grandma cleaning.” “we got stuck Ella, stuck in the house, we tried to find a way to you but we couldn’t get out of the house, it has been terrible watching mom, dad and grandma, they just seemed to disintegrate, mom sits in our old room and dad hides away in his office, grandma cleans, we’ve never seen her do that before.” She added.

“So how did you get out?” Ella wanted to know, she had been looking for them everywhere in the spirit world but had not actually thought of their old home. Anyway after all the trouble she had been in lately she doubted she would be welcomed by the twin’s family now.

“Well you know our other grandparents had passed over before we were born, so we had never met them?” Ella nodded “It was the neighbour.” Blurted Helen, who never could wait for Betty to finish, Ella’s expression took the shape of a question mark so Betty shushed Helen and continued “When we were small there was an old man next door and we used to toddle round and visit him, escaping through a hole in the hedge in the garden he would always give us chocolate digestive biscuits, and milk, then let us play with some really lovely wooden bricks that had been his when he was a boy, we would be there until mom realised we had escaped then she would come and take us home, we loved being in his house and he always let us touch things and never got cross if we broke something, then one day he wasn’t there.” Helen butted in “We didn’t understand until we were older that he had died, and mom just said he had gone away, because at the time we were too young to comprehend death, he had had no family, never having been married, so the house was sold... we grew up and forgot.” “So,” said Ella “There we were stuck in the house not knowing what to do, feeling heartbroken that we had hurt out parents, and grandmother too, we were trying to let them know we were there and one day there he was.” “Who?” “The neighbour!” They chorused “Ahh” said Ella suddenly understanding “Yes he had come back for us, somehow he realised we were lost and stuck so he showed us the way here, we have met up with other people in our family but then we wanted to look for you, Ella where have you been?”

Ella told them about her adventures in the spirit world; now they had much more understanding than they had ever had on the earth but they were still full of mischief and made funny remarks, which sent them all into gales of laughter. Suddenly Ella heard her name being shouted by someone with a very sharp tone it was Mother “Ella! Ella.” Instantly she was back in the room, laughter dying on her lips, three pairs of eyes glared at her “This is not funny Ella.” Father said sternly, horror stricken Ella realised she had been laughing out loud “Sorry.” She mumbled turning red, one part of her mind desperately reaching out to the twins.

Miss Turpin cleared her throat and sat up in her chair a little, making it clear she had an important announcement “I think you should take Ella home now and if you could both attend a meeting with me at,” here she consulted her diary “shall we say eleven o’clock tomorrow morning?” Expectantly she scanned their faces, Ella groaned “Again?” “No actually Ella I think it is time for me to suggest some options to your parents.”

Just as they arrived home the police drove up, they went into the lounge with Ella’s parents and talked for half an hour in lower, serious voices. Ella tried to hover outside the door to listen but she could only make out the odd word. Ella’s parents refused to tell her what had been said even though she begged and pleaded with them they would not be moved. Ella’s anger grew, it seemed as though everything and everyone in the world was against her, she inwardly rallied herself to fight.

The next day as soon as her parents set off to their appointment with Miss Turpin Ella pulled on her coat, found some change for the bus, she was going to see David no matter what they said: she thought defiantly.

Ella hopped on the bus and arriving at the bottom of Herringbone Lane she got off and walked rapidly up the hill towards David’s house, knocking on the door she stood waiting expectantly, the curtain twitched and David’s mother peered out at her, she didn’t come to the door but hissed through the closed window “Go away!” “Go on you have caused enough trouble.” Ella taken aback as David’s mother had always been nice to her, said “Please let me in I need to talk to David.” “Go away he never wants to see you again.” With that she drew the curtains, letting Ella know in no uncertain terms she was not going to let her in.

Ella hung her head, turning she slowly she made her way back down the road to the bus stop. Ella arrived home with a heavy heart feeling lonely, misunderstood, yet strangely angry too, she made a cup of tea and cut herself a comforting slice of chocolate cake, switched on the radio and settled down to listen to the afternoon play on radio four, waiting for her parents to come home.

Ella hadn’t really given much thought to her parents visit to Miss Turpin, she vaguely wondered if more medicine would be on the menu and possibly more visits to Miss Turpin so when mother and father arrived home looking grave she was mildly surprised.

They removed their hats and coats,’ not looking at Ella, saying a cheerful hello that was a little too cheerful and put Ella on the alert.

Mother placed the rest of the chocolate cake on the table and made them all a cup of tea, father switched off the radio a sure sign he wanted Ella’s attention. “We have had a meeting with Miss Turpin as you know Ella, and she has introduced us to the head psychiatrist at Saint Leonards Hospital, it is an inpatient facility and Miss Turpin has recommended that you are admitted for assessment.” Pausing he looked directly at Ella “You do want to get better don’t you?” Ella knowing she should, nodded her head eyes downcast; privately she was thinking how stupid Miss Turpin was and how could her parents could send her away!? Father continued “Obviously the tablets you are taking need to be adjusted and there will be people there ready to help you.” His voice tailed away, Ella looked him in the eye “If you say so father.” Now she was furious, how could they dismiss her? disbelieving her: she raged inwardly. Coldly she said “Can I go to my room now?” Both parents nodded, Ella could tell they were relieved she was going upstairs. When Ella got into her room she had the urge to throw anything and everything, scream, shout and kick: she was incensed! Instead she took out one of the books from the library, taken out the night the twins were killed; she sat down and started to read. As she became enthralled in the story, her anger grew less, it didn’t go away but lay simmering deep inside her body, she read on, leaving the world behind as she entered the pages of the book. It was five o’clock, Ella could hear mother shouting her for tea, putting a fixed expression on her face she went down and ate... nobody guessed at the smouldering anger festering away inside.