➿ Chapter 1 ➿
“New beginnings
are often disguised
as painful endings...”
Alec
I stormed out of the room, fuming! I went into the bathroom.
I let hot water pour over me, hoping it would calm me down!
My back started to sting in several places! I knew why; They were the marks Lizzie left on me with her nails...
To remind me of our first time, having sex!
I closed my eyes, and without wanting to, scenes came flashing through my mind!
Moments when I made her mine! Again and again! I squeezed my eyes shut, thinking that would erase the memories. Alas!
Futile effort!
In the end, she didn't just leave marks on my body! She also left marks in my mind, in my thoughts, and in my heart!
Why does everything good that happens to us, have to be shattered, and destroyed afterwards?
She wants to kiss me and insists, purely because I said no! She's doing it out of ego. Because I denied her. But it was my only term, and she accepted it, only to step on my term and try to kiss me!
That's why I won't be influenced again. That's why I'm firm and won't back down, no matter how much she begs me.
Because she's stuck on this, she immediately erases everything that happened between us! And it wasn't just a few things! It was so much more...!
My God!
I still can't believe it.
I can't process everything that happened! Why am I the one most affected?
Not even five minutes had passed since we finished, and she was ready for a fight. So it meant nothing to her? Could she erase so easily everything that happened between us?
No. That was it. I was confirmed! And to be fair, she might feel something, just not as much as I do!
No. She doesn't love me. Maybe she cares about me, maybe she just likes the sex, but she doesn't love me.
I immediately grabbed shampoo and started scrubbing hard, to get rid of the last traces of her from my body as soon as possible!
I won't make the same mistake again! I won't touch her ever again.
It's over!
I came out with a towel wrapped around my waist. I was starving!
I went down to the kitchen and started preparing breakfast.
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Liz hadn't come out of the room yet. I stopped what I was doing for a minute. I started pacing, not knowing what to do! On one hand, I was angry, and on the other... what state is she in? I was thinking about her...
I finally went upstairs! I stopped outside the door and tried to hear something, anything...
Silence.
I quietly opened the door! She was turned to her side.
Whatever happened, it doesn't mean she should stay hungry...
I approached her. I pulled the cover. She was curled up. What I saw shocked me.
Blood!
My heart stopped.
- Liz? ...Lizzie? I sat next to her.
I grabbed her hand. It was cold and trembling. I remembered that a little while ago, she was trembling for a whole another reason.
It wasn't the time for that. What was I thinking? What is this blood?
- Lizzie, are you okay?
I asked her anxious, almost terrified.
No, it can't be that I did this to her...
I jumped away. When I was showering, I... now I remembered.
No... I ruined everything. Who knows how much I hurt her? What's wrong with me?
It was a mistake. I won't touch her again!
She must hate me.
No, not that! I won't allow it because I can't bear her hating or fearing me.
I approached her.
- What do you want?
She asked indifferently.
- Let's go to the bathroom Liz.
I said and bent down and picked her up in my arms. Fortunately, she didn't resist. But she was silent and still as a statue.
I turned on the shower and got in with her after removing the towel. She didn't say anything. She didn't react to anything, just let herself be in my hands!
No matter how angry I was, and said I wouldn't touch her again, my hands remembered again the feel of her body. They remembered how she shivered at their touch!
No. How can I think about sex at a time like this? She might be in pain. How insensitive can I be? I wanted to understand where the blood came from... Suddenly, I understood. I turned her to look at me.
- Lizzie. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for this!
I said and touched her low. I took shampoo and started rubbing her gently, everywhere like a massage. I wanted to make amends. To show her that I can be tender.
Fuck! I don't want her to hate me... I said that I won't have sex with her again, but I don't want her to hate me!
She had her hands wrapped around her waist!
- Do you want to continue yourself?
She stood silent. Should I start worrying? I didn't know what to assume...
I held her close to me and continued more decisively! When I got there, I continued very slowly and gently! She grabbed my wrists! She almost scratched my skin with her nails.
- What are you doing? Stop.
She said.
- Lizzie, you have blood! I want to...
- You said you wouldn't touch me again!
She interrupted me.
- This is different.
I tried to explain.
- YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T TOUCH ME AGAIN!
We were under the running shower. Both wet, breathing heavily, staring deep into each other's eyes with sparkles ready to start a huge fire!
- I did this to you. I wouldn't leave you like this!
I said huskily, regretting for being an ass.
- It was inevitable! Right?
She said, also lowering her tone, with an evil smirk that hid pain.
- What do you mean? That you expected it? You expected me to hurt you like this?
I looked at her in surprise, wrapped up so much in my world that I didn't get immediately what she meant.
- It's normal, Alec! You didn't do anything. At least not on purpose. It means you were my first!
She explained the obvious and I didn't know if I felt relieved that she didn't expect from me to hurt her on purpose or embarrassed of hearing her point of view.
- Huh?
I looked at her like an idiot.
- It happens to all women at their first time. Seriously, you didn't know?
She said exasperated in disbelief.
What do I say now? She'll think I'm an idiot. Little does she know about my personal life...!
I was happy because it was Lizzie's proof to me that no one else had touched her before, but on the other hand, it doesn't stop being something painful. And I was the cause of it!
- Anyway, I'm sorry, Lizzie. I got a little scared. That's all.
- I'm fine! Thank you for your concern!
She said and got out of the shower. She took a towel and left the bathroom. I grabbed a towel and followed her out!
We went into the room, and she went to choose clothes. She took off the towel, and I stayed to watch. I noticed some marks on her body, which I hadn't seen earlier with the soap...
I approached her and stopped her hands just as she was about to put on a bra.
- What are you doing?
She saw where I was looking at, and followed my gaze! She looked puzzled too! I solved our puzzle by placing my palm on her chest, and arms, over the marks I had left on her earlier.
She saw my dark expression, and said;
- Marks easily stay on my body, it's nothing. Look!
She explained and pinched her arm to show me a red mark in that spot.
- You better get dressed. I said, and quickly left the room.
I overdid it. It's a miracle she's even standing and walking. That's enough. I don't want any more confirmation.
Lizzie, it's over.
Lizzie
So much happened, and I couldn't digest it! I still felt my body strange!
What I had been waiting for and anticipating so much, happened!
I thought Alec didn't want it, that he had some issues... I expected us to discuss it first and then slowly take one step at a time! But he surprised me! It happened so quickly that I still don't know if I was ready. I only know that at that moment, I wanted it, and if I could go back in time, I would do the same thing again!
I saw another side of Alec. He told me that it was his first time. But why didn't he give me that impression?
No.
I can't pinpoint it exactly, but he was different. Serious, almost terrifying.
With the body he had, his appearance, the way he imposed himself on me. I simply couldn't do anything. Not even object.
I was literally at his mercy! But why did I like it? Why?
I didn't expect it that I would like it that much...
I feel like my body no longer belongs to me!
He was right!
He made me his in every way possible.
I thought it was just words in the heat of the moment, but right now... after everything that happened and so much happened... I feel "his."
He touched me, kissed me, entered me! He saw me naked!
I sat on the bed. When I start thinking about something, I think about it deeply and it's hard for me to "let go."
I still can't realize what happened. I gave myself to Alec! That was it. And I don't even know where we stand... if he loves me.
If he does, why doesn't he talk to me? Why doesn't he explain? Why does he hide things from me? Am I not worthy of his trust? Am I not worthy of a kiss? And why does it bother me so much? Why am I stuck on this stupid kiss?
The words he said to me...
He regretted it. He said he won't touch me again.
Fine then! I don't need him! Let him never touch me again! Let him never kiss me.
Is that why we got married? To set terms for me? He wants terms? Very well then, Mr. Alec. It was my fault for begging him for a kiss! I don't need it! I don't even want him to touch me!
Determined, I got up, got dressed, and with a new air and confidence, I went downstairs!
- Lizzie, I made breakfast! I also made coffee!
- Great! Perfect! Thank you!
I said.
I will be normal. If there's one thing I hate about women, it's the sulking, when they do not talk, and drive men crazy! I don't want to be like that. I will be normal. I'll just avoid the issue that bothers me.
The result, was Alec watching me curiously, as if trying to understand the pleasant change, as if nothing had happened. It's because I acted like nothing happened.
I was the same Lizzie I was yesterday.
- Mmm! Everything is very nice! Aren't you going to eat?
- I will. I was waiting for you...
He said looking at me suspiciously.
- It wasn't necessary...
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- It's very quiet. What's wrong? Why are you looking at me?
- Are you okay?
- I'm perfectly fine! Why?
He lowered his gaze. He seemed awkward and probably felt guilty. Maybe he felt remorse for what happened.
- Nothing...
He got up and cleared the table after I had eaten and was drinking my coffee. He tidied everything up.
- Liz, I'm going out for a bit. Do you need anything?
Out? Where is he going? Doesn't he want to be with me? He didn't even suggest if I wanted to go out with him. First, he doesn't kiss me, then he doesn't touch me, and on top of that, he leaves me...
- No. I don't need anything.
- Okay!
He went upstairs to get ready. In 10 minutes, he came downstairs.
- I'm leaving. I'll be back in about an hour!
- Okay! See you!
He left. I won't fall into the trap of my thoughts! I won't think about him now. Better to cook, to keep myself busy with something!
I wish I knew what was going on in his head...!
