Survivor

Empathy is a strong word.

I’d never say this out-loud,

To anyone,

But if you tell me you understand;

I barely believe you.

But I know some people truly can,

I am one of them.

But how could anyone understand me?

I feel like a wreck.

I feel made-up inside.

Full of torture and self-hatred,

Why am I my own worst enemy?

I think the things I do,

And I wish I never did.

I wish the possibility of evil,

Could never cross my mind.

How could anyone love me?

I don’t always believe it could really happen.

I don’t even always love myself.

But God, I try so hard,

I try to love what I see in the mirror.

I try to face it,

No matter what.

And then I cry,

I cry about my past,

My future,

My present.

I cry about the ones who’d never cry over me.

I ask myself the same questions.

I give myself the same answers.

Why do I hate myself so?

And why is all this pain so hard to let go?

I know I’ve changed over the years,

Some days I don’t like what I’ve become.

But it’s all I know how to be.

Maybe I don’t always like me,

But I’ve got to protect what I have,

Because I may not have another chance.

I was put here for something,

Although I’m not sure what.

And every tear I shed,

Is another reminder I’m alive.

I don’t need blood dripping from my skin,

I don’t need cuts down my arms.

The pain I feel when my body is riddled with shakes,

From disappointment, shame and regret,

Is enough to make me wonder even more,

What death is like.

I push on,

From strength or weakness, I don’t know.

People say I’m strong,

But what do they know?

They don’t know my pain,

I couldn’t explain it if I tried.

Fear overrides another fear.

I want to hide.

And never get close to anything,

Because once I do, it’s always the same.

Someone takes it away.

There are so many things I want back.

But life doesn’t work like that.

I wish I could be in his arms for good,

And never look back.

And I cry.

Because I feel like it’s another beautiful lie,

A temporary love until it hurts again.

Because it seems to me like everything good always has an end...