And I Cry
Empathy is a strong word.
I’d never say this out-loud,
To anyone,
But if you tell me you understand;
I barely believe you.
But I know some people truly can,
I am one of them.
But how could anyone understand me?
I feel like a wreck.
I feel made-up inside.
Full of torture and self-hatred,
Why am I my own worst enemy?
I think the things I do,
And I wish I never did.
I wish the possibility of evil,
Could never cross my mind.
How could anyone love me?
I don’t always believe it could really happen.
I don’t even always love myself.
But God, I try so hard,
I try to love what I see in the mirror.
I try to face it,
No matter what.
And then I cry,
I cry about my past,
My future,
My present.
I cry about the ones who’d never cry over me.
I ask myself the same questions.
I give myself the same answers.
Why do I hate myself so?
And why is all this pain so hard to let go?
I know I’ve changed over the years,
Some days I don’t like what I’ve become.
But it’s all I know how to be.
Maybe I don’t always like me,
But I’ve got to protect what I have,
Because I may not have another chance.
I was put here for something,
Although I’m not sure what.
And every tear I shed,
Is another reminder I’m alive.
I don’t need blood dripping from my skin,
I don’t need cuts down my arms.
The pain I feel when my body is riddled with shakes,
From disappointment, shame and regret,
Is enough to make me wonder even more,
What death is like.
I push on,
From strength or weakness, I don’t know.
People say I’m strong,
But what do they know?
They don’t know my pain,
I couldn’t explain it if I tried.
Fear overrides another fear.
I want to hide.
And never get close to anything,
Because once I do, it’s always the same.
Someone takes it away.
There are so many things I want back.
But life doesn’t work like that.
I wish I could be in his arms for good,
And never look back.
And I cry.
Because I feel like it’s another beautiful lie,
A temporary love until it hurts again.
Because it seems to me like everything good always has an end...
