Ending the Dream

Nell stepped into the room and looked around at all the various people talking and laughing with each other. It seemed that some people already knew each other, but Nell reminded themselves that these other people were likely upper years. Nell wanted the first year of their Ph.D. to be the year they blossom into themselves, especially since Nell has only been openly out for the past three months. Nell ran their hands through their curly black hair, forgetting that they recently had it cut shorter than it had ever been in their life. Janet, Nell’s mother, always refused to allow Nell to cut their hair, and since Nell lived with her during their undergraduate years, Janet still had her grip on Nell and their life decisions. Nell finally broke free of Janet when they secretly applied to graduate school, far away from their mother.

It was uncertain if they would get in anywhere, much less the school furthest from their hometown. They didn’t have as much biochemistry-specific research experience as other people. While they had stellar grades, thanks to Janet’s overbearingness, Nell felt they were a run-of-the-mill applicant. Nevertheless, Nell got accepted into Emory University and got to leave Sheridan, Wyoming behind. Janet wanted Nell to only apply to the University of Wyoming, to stay close by, but Nell felt suffocated there. Even as a child, Nell was never comfortable in their body, or when people would call them “she”. Nell winced at the thought, but again reminded themself they were no longer under their mother’s watch.

Nell took a deep breath and walked up to the sign-in table. A person with a neon yellow puff jacket and shirt that read “Gay as hell,” grinned as Nell walked up.

“Hello! Welcome to Queer Speed-Friending! Have you been to a Pride in STEM event before?” the person asked with too much excitement. Nell never understood how people can be this chipper and full of positivity. It could be due to Nell’s upbringing, but Nell pushed that thought aside.

“Um, hi,” Nell said in a monotone voice as they tried to make their voice sound deeper, “And no, this is my first time.” Nell put their hands in their pocket but grimaced when they forgot they still couldn’t buy men’s pants since they hadn’t gotten their first stipend payment yet.

“Oh, how exciting!” they said throwing their hands up in the air and clapping, “I am Dee, my pronouns are he/him, and I am the social chair of Pride in STEM our lovely LGBTQIA+ graduate organization!”

“Hi, um, my name is, uh-Ele,” Nell panicked, how much they practiced, Nell almost responded in their dead name.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Dee said, his eyes softened.

Nell felt like this wasn’t Dee’s first time dealing with a new egg that just opened their shell. Nell stood up straighter, “My name is Nell, and my pronouns are they/them”. A huge wave of relief flowed through Nell as they had officially started their new journey.

“Well, Nell, welcome to the event! I hope you can make a friend or two. Here is a name tag, and here is a pronoun sticker for your student badge!” Dee handed them the items and smiled. Nell realized his full face of make-up. It was stunning; blue and green eye shadow and holographic highlighter over his dark skin shimmered in the light. While Nell was never a fan of makeup on themself, they could appreciate the skill and time someone puts into the craft.

“Thank you.” Nell stuck the sticker onto their badge and wrote their name on the name tag. It felt weird writing out their name. N-E-L-L. They have done it a few times before now when they signed for their crappy apartment, but this was the first time they did it at a university. Nell began to walk off but stopped.

“Dee?” Nell said, unsure if their question even had an answer.

“Yeah?”

“Do you know if it is possible to change your name in the system, even if it is not legally your name?"

“Yes, and I would be happy to gather the information for you! I can get your information from where you signed in.” Dee started looking at the sign-up sheet, but then Nell noticed he looked back at them. “Oh, it looks like I forgot to have you actually sign in.”

Nell chuckled and walked back to the table and filled out the form Dee handed them.

“Oh! You’re a first year in the Biochemistry Ph.D. program?” Dee exclaimed.

“Yeah, I’m nervous because I feel like I don’t have as much experience with biochemistry as other people” Nell once again tried to put their hands in their pockets only to remember the tips of their fingers could only fit.

“Hush!” Dee shouted, startling Nell. “I want you to take that imposter fear and throw it out like the trash it is. I’m a fourth year in the biochemistry program, and never took a biochemistry class in undergrad. The admission committee saw something in you and offered you a position. Just remember that.”

Nell smiled, while they had a hard time believing in Dee’s words it made Nell more comfortable to know others have similar fears. During their program introduction, it seemed like everyone had such a stellar profile. From research at the NIH to several first-author publications, one even had parents who are well-known researchers in molecular biology and have been in the lab since they could walk. Nell grew up in a low-income home, in the middle of nowhere Wyoming, and family who had old-fashioned beliefs that a “woman” should be a hair stylist, teacher, or maybe a nurse if they were considered a bit brighter in the head. While Nell’s mom voiced her opinion on Nell’s pursuit of a degree in biology, Nell tried to reassure her that they were going to become a high school science teacher. This of course was a lie; Nell had always planned to attend graduate school since they learned what a Ph.D. was and what it entailed.

When Nell informed their mother about wanting to go to graduate school, their mother was not happy, she was livid. She started questioning why Nell needed a higher-level degree and why couldn’t they just get a job like a good “girl”. Nell managed to convince their mother that it was just a master’s degree in teaching and that it would just be at the University of Wyoming, so not far away. While their mom was still reluctant, she was at least aware that job jobs nowadays were much harder to get with just a bachelor’s degree.

“Alright everyone please come over to the right side of the room!” Dee yelled over the small talk taking place. Everyone turned their heads towards Dee, who was much shorter than Nell thought they would be.

“Thank you! Now please listen to what our lovely president, Orion, has to say.” Dee gracefully bowed to the person next to him, who was a tall individual who had a buzzcut that was dyed electric blue.

“Thanks, Dee,” Orion bowed back, “Hello everyone and welcome to our first meeting of the year. My name is Orion, and my pronouns today are she/her.” Some people in the room started to clap, Nell assumed they were likely upper years. Orion started to speak again, “So today we are doing our annual speed-friending event! We host this to allow first years to start making connections at a friend or professional level. Though there have been times when something more happens.” Dee made a loud ooooo sound, and Orion laughed.

“Dee will now come around and hand you a number or a letter. If you receive a letter, you will stay in the same seat for the duration of the event. Numbers, you will be moving from one seat to the next going clockwise. Once all those pairings occur, we will give you a new card for pairings that haven’t occurred at the end of the first round. Please let us know if you need to be accommodated in any way and we can make it happen.” Dee stepped up to Nell, handed them a letter “D” and whispered, “Good luck Nell.”

People started moving around trying to find their letter or starting number. Nell looked around and saw the letter “B”, well, I guess I am over that way, Nell thought to themself as they walked over in that direction. Nell slowly passed through other people still searching, trying not to step on their shoes. Nell noticed that almost everyone here had a unique style, one to call their own. They looked down at their clothes, a pair of loose jeans they made their mother buy for them, and an old Sheridan College t-shirt they were handing out for free one day. Nell sat down in the “B” seat, disappointed no one was across from them yet. Nell looked around and saw most people were settling down at this point. Maybe, no one got the number 4 card, Nell tried to reassure themself,

“Alright everyone,” Orion shouted, “Your seven minutes start now!” Everyone began to talk around them, names being said left and right, hobbies and the people next to them went immediately into Avatar the Last Airbender lore. Nell picked at the tape that held down the letter, for what may be the longest seven minutes of their life.

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry”, someone said behind them. Nell turned around and looked up. A femme-presenting person stood behind Nell, their light brown hair falling around their face. “I was in the bathroom and didn’t realize it was starting.” The person quickly walked around the tables, their heels clicked against the floor and their maxi skirt flowed around them, accentuating their long legs. Nell watched, mouth slightly open, amazed at how quickly they moved in the heels.

“Sorry,” the person said again as they sat down across from Nell. “Do you know how many minutes we have left?” The person smiled showing the slight gap between their two front teeth.

Nell shook their head no, unable to really think of how to form words again.

“Ah well, that is okay. Let’s go ahead and get started. I don’t want to waste any time getting to know you.” The mysterious person propped their head on their hands.

Nell swallowed, “So what is your name?”

“Oh, right! My name is Dara, I use she/her pronouns.” Nell watched Dara smile again, and at that moment, Nell knew that Orion was maybe onto something about some people making more than just friends.