We Shouldn't

“Kyn, uh, hello.” My best friend, Raven, snapped me out of my thoughts once again. My cheeks flushed as I blinked a few times. “Did you not hear me?”

“Of course I did.” I lied terribly before giving her an apologetic smile when she gave me an “I see right through you” look.

“I was saying that Mason is having a little party later and we’re going with Jere.” Raven gestured at me and her. “And, you actuallyhaveto come, you bailed on me last time. I can’t party on my own.”

“Jeremy will be there. You won’t be ‘partying’ alone.”

“I love Jere, but I literally cannot be around him snogging on any gay single man who intentionally or unintentionally flirts with him. Plus, I need mybestfriend, so will you please loosen up a bit and go out with me? We can leave after an hour if you aren’t having fun.”

I let out a groan, dramatically and somewhat childishly. “Fine.” I rolled my eyes annoyed yet playful.

Agreeing was my mistake because she had been practically playing dress up with me for the past two hours, attempting to find something “hot” in her words. She allowed me to go casual… somewhat. I stared at myself in the mirror while Raven straightened my slightly wavy hair. I refused to allow her to do my makeup, knowing she would do way too much. After twenty minutes of back and forth, we compromised on mascara and lipgloss.

“Fantastic!” She clapped quickly with the unplugged yet hot straighter still in hand. I smiled at her reaction, finding her excitement contagious, even though it was a simple moment.

Raven was already slightly taller than me, but she made me look like a child when she wore heels. You would think we were going to a club with the heels and tight dress she wore, she could pull it off. I settled… Well, we settled for a pair of jeans and one of her shirts, which was a maroon spaghetti strapped tank top with a somewhat low v-neck. I didn’t have the biggest breasts to fully fill the top out, but it was at least enough to avoid unwanted nip-slips.

The party was… overwhelming, which made me thankful that Raven was such an amazing friend for not abandoning me to suffer in the middle of chaos. She had this carefree personality that I was a little envious of.

“Oh my goodness! Who are you? I have never seen you before!” Jere sarcastically said while approaching both Raven and me.

“Ha-ha, so funny.” I let out a soft laugh, giving him a tight hug. I hated that I had become the friend who was rarely seen in the friend group. I often felt like an outsider in a sense, I didn’t have the energetic personality like my friends did. How did I even become friends with them in the first place is something I’ll never understand.

“Seriously, how have you been?” Jeremy’s bright hazel eyes seemed to pierce right into my own.

“Well, college sucks, so my face has been in more books than my brain can handle. Not even fun ones.” I let out a whine as he rolled his eyes playfully at me. “I should drop out like you. Maybe then, I’d be less…. This.” I gestured at myself, hoping he’d pick up on whatever I was attempting to say, even if I didn’t exactly know what I was trying to say.

“Trust me, the grass ain’t greener over here. My parents still haven’t talked to me since I dropped out and that was almost two years ago. I’m sure they still think I’m throwing my life down the drain.” He shrugged his shoulders while giving me a tiny smile. “Plus, Columbia Uni is your dream school. If I know anything, you wouldn’t drop out even if I paid you.” His shoulder nudged mine and I nodded my head a little.

He was right, I wouldn’t drop out. Even though school was hard… and I mean hard, I never actually thought about dropping out. I knew I had dreams in writing, but I also knew that it was hard to make it out there. I wanted to better myself with knowledge in the field and maybe I could write something my parents would be proud of. I wouldn’t say they aren’t supportive parents, but I also wouldn’t say they are very supportive. Writing to them is… child’s play. It would never bring me anywhere and I would end up crawling back to them when it all crumbled. That’s why it can’t crumble.

“Oh, jeez. Where is the girl?” Jeremy snapped me out of my thoughts before I noticed Raven was MIA. She didn’t even say anything, it wasn’t like Jere and I were chatting that long, and somehow she still slipped away. Ugh, I felt even more like a child. Like my mother dropping me off with my father, so she could have fun.

Jere grabbed my hand, pulling me through the packed house as he looked around. I couldn’t see much, but I also wasn’t trying to. Ending up outside, I finally took a deep breath. I didn’t realize it was a big party until just now. I didn’t have a chance to say, or think, before he continued tugging me along.

When he abruptly stopped, I stumbled a little before steadying myself. Raven seemed to have found her way to her “not really” boyfriend, Kevon. The guy wasn’t exactly her type as their personalities clashed and he was an absolute ass. She never listened when I told her that he wasn’t good for her, but I shut my mouth eventually. I’ll just be here when he inevitably broke her heart.

My eyes skimmed over the rest of the group. A few people I didn’t know but seen in passing before.

There he was, Cameron Moyer. The heartthrob that my heart throbbed for.

I’ve seen him a few times during little hangouts that Raven forced me into. I somehow wiggled myself into his life by Raven’s relation to Kevon. Only good thing that man had to offer.

Anyways, I could tell that I was completely off Cameron’s radar, though. I don’t think he actually looked remotely interested in me. I’d like to think of this as a slow burn. Some may say I’m delulu for that.

My eyes continued until they landed on Ace Wilder. Ugh, he was the one person I genuinely could not stand. I like to think I’m one who could be friends with anyone, if I actually tried. Ace was not that person. He was such an insufferable ass who made Kevon look like a sweetheart. He always had something to say and I don’t think he had ever cared for a single thing in his entire life.

“You guys finally showed up!” Raven smiled as she sat up from the grass that they were sitting on.

“You left without saying a word. It took us forever, I thought those people would swallow the both of us whole with all their dry humping. I am too sober for this.” Jeremy huffed, plopping down on the ground beside her. I awkwardly stood there before he grabbed my wrist and quickly pulled me down. “Girl, sit down.”

I made myself comfortable, for the most part, by sitting a little close to Jeremy. I didn’t know some of the people in the circle, so I felt even more awkward than I’d wish. My eyes slowly traveled over to Cameron, wishing that he’d look in my direction for even a second. I noticed he was rolling a blunt when my eyes shifted down to his movements. I watched as he licked the wrap to seal it, wondering what his tongue cou- “Jesus, Kynzi. You’re staring.” Raven’s whisper into my ear snapped me right out of my thoughts. Thank goodness it was dark because I was sure my face was red as a tomato.

“Was it obvious?” I whispered while I looked at her, hoping for a comforting answer. When I didn’t get that, I wanted to die at that moment. Very smooth, Kyn, very smooth.

I played with my laces as they passed the blunt around, attempting not to show my disgust at the smell.

“Take a hit, uh… What’s her name again?” Kevon’s voice drew attention to me.

“It’s Kynzi.” My tone showed annoyance while my head shook a little. “I’m good. I don’t want to.”

“C’mon, don’t be a buzzkill.”

“Don’t pressure her, babe. She said she’s good.” Raven spoke up for me before I got a chance to. Thank god, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to be considered a “buzzkill” especially when I was called out in front of a bunch of people.

“Why don’t you at least try it?” Another voice caught my attention and I knew that voice. I turned my head a little and he was looking at me. He was looking at me. When I didn’t speak right away, Cameron’s arm extended to hand me the blunt. I had two choices right now. Either decline again and earn negative points in his, and the rest of the group’s, eyes. Or agree and show that I wasn’t such a buzzkill.

I slowly extended my arm and Raven immediately grabbed it to stop me. “You don’t need to do that. You’ve never smoked before and I don’t think you’d want your first time being in front of people you’re not fully comfortable with.” She whispered at me, almost motherly.

“I’m sure there’s a lot of firsts she needs to experience.” Ace mumbled under his breath, curing his dry mouth with the drink in his red solo cup.

“It’s okay. One hit won’t be so terrible. And, we can go home afterwards if it is.” Had I known what was going to happen, I would have never agreed. How could I not though? I had eyes on me since Kevon brought me into this whole thing and with Cameron looking at me like that. I’m too desperate for my own good.

She released my arm, letting out a sigh as I took the blunt from Cameron. My heart skipped a beat when our fingers grazed each other. He gave me a smile and I could have melted right there.

I moved the blunt to my lips, hating the smell even more as it was closer. The thought of other people’s lips being on the same place as mine was absolutely disgusting. I’m not a germaphobe, but it is quite disgusting when you think about it.

I placed it between my lips for a moment to inhale before passing it along. I had a terrible coughing fit, though it seemed like a few people thought it was funny. Can a girl get a drink?

Ace was the one person who didn’t find it very amusing as he showed no reaction, instead he waited for the blunt to circle around to him.

By the time I stopped coughing, the blunt was already in my face again. I stupidly took it once again, taking a second hit before tapping out completely. That was more than enough for me. I still coughed, but it wasn’t as intense as before.

Now, there I was, sitting there and staring at my shoelaces as if they were the most interesting thing in the world right now. It was an odd feeling. The rest of the blunt went around before it was finished, yet I felt like I was the most high out of all of us.

I lifted my head and Jeremy was chatting and giggling like a little girl, which made me laugh a little. Raven and Kevon were being overly affectionate with one another, gross. Most importantly, my eyes landed on Cameron. My Cameron was flirting with another girl. Technically, he wasn’t mine, but that was beside the point. My stomach bubbled a little when he brushed her hair behind her ear.

My hand slapped over my mouth as I rose quickly. I rushed away, stumbling back inside as I held down everything in me. There were several people grouped in front of a room down the hall. I assumed it was a bathroom. Fuck. I shoved my way through people to hurry upstairs. There had to be a bathroom up here.

The first door I tried was locked. The second door I tried opened, but there were two people hooking up on the bed. Yuck. I did not want to see that. I closed that door, hurrying down the hall. I was hot and my stomach bubbled up while I moved.

I pushed through the door to what seemed like the main bedroom, ignoring the couple who seemed like they were attempting to get intimate. As much as I didn’t want to see that, I couldn’t wait any longer. A bathroom in the room caught my eye and I practically darted to it.

I fell to my knees in front of the toilet and vomited. I was unsure why I vomited. I knew that it was likely the weed in my system, but I also believed seeing Cameron like that made it worse.

I heard the girl in the other room say “gross” before I heard footsteps hurrying out the room. I didn’t want to be seen like this, but I was thankful that my… situation caused them to scurry. The scent of the vomit made me vomit more.