Chapter 1
The night was oddly quiet as the crickets sang, with the cold midnight breeze seeping deep into one’s trembling bones. There were no twinkling stars, not even a hint of moonlight to be seen. The velvety sky was like the lake—too still. With the weather so bleak, it seemed to hide all the beautiful ornaments of the heavens above.
In the middle of the darkness stood a man, wearing faded blue jeans. His long, messy hair was tied back. He looked like he’d just gotten out of bed—but truth be told, he hadn’t slept at all. His beard had grown thick and he clearly didn’t care about his appearance anymore. He hadn’t even bothered to wash his face before heading out.
He was alone in the middle of nowhere—literally lost, mentally unraveling but not entirely insane. Just… maybe, dazed and drained by life’s endless, twisted journey. You could also say that he kind of looked like a walking corpse, given his current state.
This was Joseph—the man who had just finished smoking his last cigarette. Frustrated, he hurled the now-empty liquor bottle he was holding. It shattered against a rock but he could only cared less. The broken glass didn’t bother him at all. He didn’t think twice about the mess he made or the harm it might cause to someone else.
He walked again, mind was blank, body barely holding itself up. He wasn’t drunk—he’d only had one bottle—but the lack of sleep over the past two nights made him look like a man on the brink. He had pushed himself far beyond his limits. He was cruel to himself, just as cruel as the people who happen to mistreat others.
Without much of a thought, Joseph looked up at the sky and with a bleeding heart, he whispered a simple prayer. The exhaustion he felt wasn’t enough to describe what he was truly going through inside. He didn’t know where this bitter fate would take him. He didn’t even know if he could keep up with the relentless current of life. It was too much that he could feel an invisible barbed wire wrapped around his aching throat, slowly tightening that be can’t barely breathe.
“Please… I can’t take this anymore. I’m done,” he whispered to the wind. “I am so fucking done.”
The world was cruel and it felt like fate was just toying with him. Just when he had finally been truly happy, life ripped away half of his heart. He didn’t know how many more lashes he could endure. If his emotional wounds were visible, would there even be a space left on his skin to cater all of them? With the scars he already carried, he felt like nothing could compare.
“Unfair… life is so unfair. We’re alive, but we’re all going to die anyway. So what’s the point in dragging it out?” he complained, his brows were furrowed. There it was again, that fire inside him, threatening to break free.
“This isn’t what I asked for! This is not the life that I prayed before! I never once asked to be alone just to cary the guilt over and over! I am so fucking tired of breathing!” he shouted into the void, spitting into the ground.
While the night was peaceful and the crickets kept singing a particular hymn, his heart sang a hoarse, broken rythm from all the suffering in his worn out plate. Alone, he dragged his exhausted body every single day but despite everything, he felt useless and worthless. He used to be so full of life, his blood rushing every time he saw his beloved family laughing like there was no tomorrow.
“Why is this happening to me?” he sobbed, his shoulders dropping. “I don’t want to be alone… no, not anymore.”
Loneliness had devoured him ever since the people he considered his whole world left him. The moment they left, they took half of his heart with them. He hadn’t been able to laugh since. What’s the point of smiling when deep down, everything inside you is falling apart little by little?
“When was this punishment be over? Isn’t this enough?” he screamed, veins bulging in his neck, spit flying from his mouth as he broke down in the damp pavement.
“I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Please forgive me.” These words weren’t meant for anyone else but for himself.
This was the only way to make everything stop. To finally rest, he needed to blow out the candle just a few steps away. It wouldn’t be hard and even though every step toward it felt uncertain, he would still go. He couldn’t handle it anymore. No matter how many times he repeated the same words, they all led to the same ending—he wanted peace. If this was the only way, then so be it. He would whisper it to the heavens above.
“Whatever happens, happens.” That’s what people say when they don’t know what else to do. Even if he didn’t know where this would lead, he’d leave it all up to the fate that seemed tailored just for him.
“I think this is it. Please, forgive me.” He took a deep breath and licked his chapped lips. They still stung, not just from dryness but from the way he bit them earlier, but he didn’t mind. He was used to the pain, even if it was the so-called self-inflicted pain.
They say that the right time always comes and he believed in that. He thought this was the moment everyone always talked about. Who was he kidding by the way? There’s no such thing as perfect timing. You don’t control time, nor fate. The right time is now. Tomorrow is now.
This was it. This was the moment he had been waiting for. At exactly midnight, a train from the North would pass by. That was Joseph’s sign—to finally blow out the candle, just twenty-nine steps away from him. He waited and would keep waiting. He would do what he believed was right, even if others says otherwise.
He didn’t care what they would say. People talk a lot, but truth be told, they don’t really care about you. They say this, say that—but in the end, all they do is judge. They will always judge how you live your life regardless if you’re in good or bad shape.
“I’m certain about this… of course I am!” he said, as if speaking to his own conscience.
If this was the only way he could finally sleep in peace, then he’d go to that place in his mind where he thought happiness might still exist. There was no point in breathing anymore if his very own strength was gone and the life he once held so dear was now buried six feet under. This was it—he was ready to bury his other foot into the ground.
