Chapter 1
(11) The new bathtub of the future
(Setting: a huge hangar with a big square wooden stage in the middle.).
Tables are aligned for a press conference. Scientists are seated with files, charts, and sheets; others bustle around for the last technical preparations.
There are numerous attendants, including businessmen and women, investors, and government safety and public regulation ministers.
Huge journalist attendance. Cameras flash. Full of microphones are hung and placed over and near the tables.
The prevailing atmosphere is one of expectation, skepticism, and awe. On the stage stands the new bathtub, looking something like a huge washing machine but more rounded, lidless, and made out of steel with strong metal reinforcement .
straps vertically all around the exterior. It looks anything but like our conventional one. A bizarre array of pipes sticks out from one side, and wires lead from the tub to a control box where a scientist sits.
A small ladder leans on the tub. A single coat hanger stands near the tub and a small circular curtain stand. Scientists are now ready to begin.
The speaker clears his voice in the microphone, but people go on talking, cameras click, etc. Speaker: (slapping his hand impatiently on the table)
All right, everybody, let's get on with this...
(People cheer and applaud.)
“ I know, I know you've all been waiting for this moment, and so have I , and if you'll all take your places and keep quiet, we'll get things started ."
(People quiet down.).
"All right now, tonight we're about to demonstrate and document one of the single most important innovations in human history, a giant leap from primitive Stone Age bathing in Mother Nature's lakes, rivers, oceans, and even more degrading, the common bathtub! And,
(pointing to the new tub)
something way beyond bubbles and waves in whatever you might have now at home.
The new bathtub of the future here is the difference between bathing in your own soil and embracing modern living standards.
The new bathtub of the future will save you time, water, and energy; it's ecological and ergonomic. You can sit on cushions if you like; it's completely foolproof now, and to demonstrate all that,
(people applaud and cheer,)
scientists still fumble around. The speaker gestures for silence.:
” Yeah, I know, I know, it's coming! We need a volunteer, someone very healthy, and..
(someone immediately shouts)
" Me! Me! I want to try!"
(The audience cheers and applauds as the speaker waves for the man to come.
The fellow walks onto the stage.)
" Ha! Ha! Ha! Congratulations my brave man, you are going to really enjoy this experience ” ! Ladies and gentlemen, the new bathtub of the future”!
(The speaker, laughing, takes a bathing suit out of his white jacket, gives it to the volunteer, pushes him to the coat hanger, and shuts the curtains around him.)
"Put that on; it's all you need” .
The audience is wild, shouting and cheering for the volunteer as he climbs the ladder into the machine.).
The inside is exactly like a washing machine except that there's a kind of chair with straps. It even has the tower in the middle equipped with s a few small screens, lights and buttons.
Almost looks like an execution contraption . Once seated and tied, only the volunteer's head is visible.
Technicians fasten the top so he can't get out. He looks a bit apprehensive, a little less enthusiastic; he forces smiles. The speaker continues,:
"Now, for those of you at home, watch well; it's really all that simple. The technician at the controls will activate water
(The volunteer starts shouting urgently)
"It's freezing, it's freezing! Help! Hot water, please!"
(Speaker, indifferent, continues)
"Ah yeah, this is one of the exciting new features; water temperatures start at subarctic
(volunteer still shouting)
to volcanic explosion."
(He gestures to the technician, who turns a knob way on the other side. Steam and hot water shoot to the ceiling. The volunteer seems to scream in agony; the audience shield themselves with their arms.)
Everything comes back to normal; the volunteer looks dead.
"This is the hottest the tub can get before exploding. For those who like it hot, the tub is conceived to meet the expectations of all the people who make up society. Now
(sticking a thermometer in the volunteer's mouth),
-” see? He's in a perfect state of relaxation!”
(He shakes his head vigorously with his both hands to wake him.)
Now, as you've noticed, the new tub is not too noisy, and although you can't see it, the water is constantly renewed. For the rest, quite frankly, there's no mystery. The tub works like a washing machine
(the audience laughs hysterically as the volunteer starts turning on the moderate wash cycle. The volunteer tied in the chair is making half circle back and forth movement we know so well.)
“That's a lot of fun, people, and for the soap, watch closely; there's only one button to press. !”
(The technician executes the movement, and the volunteer starts to laugh hysterically, shouting:)
-"Stop, stop! It tickles, it tickles! Stop please!
"That's another new exciting feature, funny soap, sure to bring even the most wrinkled face to a radiant smile and fill up the house with heartfelt laughter”!
“Do you remember when you had to sit idly and wait in the tub till your dirt came off or having to use a face cloth or a brush? Forget all that now with the wash cycles!”
(Volunteer speaks up)
"How come I can't see my body?" (Speaker:)
"You don't need to bore yourself anymore. It's nice to give people a change from the full routine. Now, if you're really dirty or just want to have fun, you can increase spinning and washing speeds at all times. Watch!
(Volunteer screams as machine spins abnormally fast. Speaker, raising his voice over the noise)
“This is the fastest it'll spin without wrecking! “
(Machine stops. Making a loud bang)
The volunteer is unconscious again…his head plopped lifeless to One side. The audience murmurs in concern)
-“Time presses us, but here's what most people wonder about: how to wash your hair. Simple, in accordance with our standards, the new tub will take care of it! ”
(The volunteer suddenly regains consciousness at the sound of a loud buzz. He yells:out suddenly,)
-”Yikes!! I’m awake! I'm awake! “
(The speaker continues)
"As you can see, the new tub has many safety features...so, for hair washing, the seat inside the machine slowly starts to lower after pressing the correct sequence of buttons.”
“The wrong procedure here could catapult anyone through the roof of your house or keep them stuck submerged underwater. Please have only an experienced family member adjust settings and to program your bath! “
Just as he says that a tremendously loud bang shoots the volunteer straight towards the ceiling and through the roof but at the last moment, he is retained by strong flexible cables and a parachute.
The audience is wild again, cheering and screaming non stop.
“ That's as strong as we could potentially have the tub eject without killing anyone in the process. In case of emergencies or for the sport , be sure to catapult yourself frequently!
(The volunteer who was installed again in the run is seen being submerged tied to the chair, lowering until only bubbles remain on the surface. The audience gasps)
“See that? Completely underwater for one minute already. At this point, don't forget to program the lather mechanism for a good head scrub.! “
(The machine shakes and bangs loudly.). The speaker, looking at his watch, says:
“That should be good; bring him up! “
№(The volunteer's head emerges, bruised and unconscious.)
“ Look at that! This cycle, this whole machine is so relaxing you can sleep through many of the operations”!
(Much applause.)
“Take out our volunteer and send him back home all new and revitalized! “
(Technicians carry him away on a stretcher.)
“ A good hand of applause for the volunteer, still in a state of complete relaxation, ladies and gentlemen! “
(Tremendous applause; the speaker walks to the table, cameras flash and click...)
"You might be wondering why we got all those papers and charts a bit everywhere.
Those are the results of safety testing. We have been asked to balance effectiveness against the fewer than 20 deaths that have occurred at different times to different users and the hundreds of very serious accidents and injuries also documented since the first models. “
First of all, let's dedramatize here. What isn't without danger nowadays?”
Flying, driving, fruits, vegetables, visits at the doctor—nothing's safe!
Why shouldn't bathing involve its own hazards?
But anyways, to at least reduce deaths, we've made some improvements. The new models for the tub of the future aren't only 100% controlled by another person anymore.
Sometimes negligence, revenge, abuse, or irresponsibility with the use of the controls resulted in serious situations, most often to the bather's disadvantage.
To avoid this, the new models are fully programmable. The only thing that can happen now is technical failure; that's always unpredictable.
Those failures still occur, with fatalities. But let's see now how some people were luckier and escaped with relatively minor bruises.
People's are ushered in some walking but many on a wheelchair, some are on stretchers. The least injured use crutches.)
“ We have here tonight Mr. ----
(seen being rolled on stage in a hospital bed, completely bandaged and encased in a cast). (Much applause.)”
“Tell us, Mr. mr.----, what happened to your tub?
-" I was going for a quick bath after work. I was undressed and had one leg in the tub when it suddenly began to spin at maximum without stopping or water. I got pulled in, and I would have died if my neighbour had not heard me screaming. Every bone in my body is broken. It was so hard to take me out; many bones broke in the process. Even though my neighbour came to help me, I found that the customer service helped us a lot. We had to stay calm and not touch any buttons."
(Much applause.)
” Ladies and gentlemen, there's so, so much going on here at our location, we will be going on all night, but this is all the T.V. time we had to present the new bathtub of the future. Thanks.for watching and for our lovely audience. Good night everyone! “
Be sure to ask retailers or operators about the new models and exciting new features.”!
