Mask of Privilege

Mask of Privilege

We were born privileged. But even so, there was always a lack of concern for our well being. Your indifference always bothered me more than your anger. So forgive me if I smile as I hurt others just for a fraction of your attention.

I just wanted to see something other than my older brother’s back turned on me. That I completely lost track of all the things I did, of all the people I hurt. I hadn't realized that the affection you had in your eyes for me completely changed over time. But, if I could just get you to look at me one more time, maybe you’d see that I’m hurting too.

Over time, it seemed my worth diminished. I went too far over the line and the consequences of that was a loveless privilege full of heated glares. They could not even warm me from the coldness of loneliness. They had no use for me so they forgot to love me in the process. They wanted something else other than me

And when I finally gave in, it felt as if I lost something. It was no object, it was worth more than any amount of money. But I could not get it back, They loved that it was gone, even at the expense of me being miserable. There was no longer a purpose, I was only a puppet born with a privilege that gave me no comfort. I could not make up for the love I never received.

My brother, he no longer held any affection towards me when I was still me from before, But now that I have lost myself, I receive the warm affection of a family member. I didn’t have to lash out or hurt others for him to look at me. I just had to lose myself in my act. Yet, it was not enough to fill that hole. I was confused, I was absolutely miserable. I didn’t like hurting others. I didn’t like scrambling and crawling just for an inkling of love. But, I was still myselthen, now I wear a mask, The mask was given to me, it was the gift of privilege.

One day, I will put it down. I will lose my privilege and the mask it gave me. I will not hold any regrets besides one. I had wished money could have bought just a fraction of my brother’s time. So we could talk about the dreams we could’ve had. A destiny that was not laid out before us. In another circumstance, I would have loved just pretending to be someone born without privilege. In another time where we could have been brothers that could face each other without a mask bought by destiny.

So, to my dearest older brother, take off my mask when I draw my breath. I would like my final act to be unscripted. To leave as your younger brother, even if it shows my cruel acts for something more. May they strike me down for who I really am underneath the mask.