Pull Me Out

I groaned, hearing the screech of my alarm ring loudly through the room. I rolled over and hit snooze as hard as I could.

Maybe if I broke it, time would stop.

I huffed, looking up at the ceiling, my mind empty but buzzing all at the same time. I needed a toke. Creeping up to my feet, I was careful not to make a sound. Dad was probably still passed out on the couch from the ‘wild’ night he had (a six pack and whatever drugs he could get his hands on), and I didn’t need him in my buisness.

My bong would be pink and pretty if it wasn’t so overdue for a clean. It reeked, even when sitting in the back of my closet, wrapped in insence, but dad was always too fucked up to notice anything other than his own aura of booze and cigarettes.

I sat on the windowsill after packing a moderate sized bowl, and took a long drag, looking out at the sunrise. My muscles relaxed, and I leaned my back against the window frame.

I really didn’t want to start my day. It was all so pointless. I didn’t have anything to work towards. All I had was surviving the day. That felt dramatic to say, but it was true. I wish my brain wouldn’t pick apart every situation I’ve ever been in. I wish it wouldn’t focus on every negative. I wish it didn’t relieve everything I wanted to forget constantly. Life was painstaking, but what could I do? There was always someone who had it worse.

Exhaling my last pull, I jolted up suddenly, hearing the floorboards creak. I jumped to my feet and hid my bong in my nightstand.

The door opened.

“Mia, doll, are you going to the store?” Dad stood in the doorway, his white tank top sporting a heavy sweat stain down the middle. I bet he didn’t even know if it was day or night from the look of his droopy eyes.

“I have school,” I replied flatly. He never had much interest in my life, even before mom got sick. After she died, he basically gave up all together. 15 years sober, just down the drain.

He grunted, shifting around like a toddler about to throw a tantrum. “Your old man needs his medicine, sweatheart,” he whined, his words slurring still.

“Medicine?” I scoffed, folding my arms over my chest. “I think that’s what’s killing you.”

He furrowed his eyebrows. “When did you get so mean?” He always tried to play the sweet old man card, yeah right. Where was that sweet old man when I had my first heartbreak? When I got into my first car accident? Where was that sweet old man when mom died? Fucking nowhere. I’m too baked for this.

“I can’t be late,” I said, pushing past him and beelining to the bathroom– the only room in the house with a lock.

I think he yelled out something about being ungrateful, but who cared what an old drunk had to say. I definitely didn’t.

The air outside was freezing, and I would’ve froze over had the walk to school been any longer. I nearly slipped twice on ice patches, but my car broke down last month, and I wasn’t getting any shifts at the record store.

Jamie, the manager, refused to take a day off, which was good for his wallet, but bad for mine. I didn’t want a new job though, it was hard enough going to school. I hated being around people, but I also hated being at home. I dreamt of the day I could be truly alone. What a stupid thought. I meant physically alone. I was already miles away from others, emotionally, but it didn’t stop me from feeling perceived. I hated knowing people knew who I was. I just wanted to float around, invisible, like a ghost. Float through life and hope that nothing terrible happened, if I made it that far. It would be easier to just end it all, but the thought made me want to curl up and hide in my own skin. Being gone was one thing, but knowing people would hear about it, talk about it, I just wanted to disappear without a trace, was that too much to ask?

Nearing the old brick building, I picked up my pace when I ran into something, or rather, someone.

My knees gave out from under me, and I slipped swiftly, ending up on my ass. I huffed, rubbing my side.

“You should watch where you’re going,” a voice like velvet commented.

I looked up to see a boy with loose curly black hair towering over me, his hands in his pockets, eyelids low, as if he cared about nothing at all.

I scoffed. Prick. “You came out of nowhere,” I said, getting up and dusting myself off. Who the hell does this guy think he is?

He simply shrugged, a bored expression plastered on his face. “My bad,” he offered lazily before turning on his heel and heading inside.

I bawled my hands into fists, standing there watching him leave without an ounce of responsibility, but I couldn’t let it get to me. I had all of the day left. I couldn’t hide in my room yet. All I wanted to do was hide in my room.

It’s not that I was bullied in school, or had that hard of a life, it’s that I felt nothing at all towards any of it. Now it’s just… apathy, I guess. Whining about my boring life while I did nothing to change it. I didn’t have the energy to. I had to be in class, which is where I was.

First period was Social Studies, and I was thankful for it. We had been assigned to pick a great tragedy or war, and write a report on how it could have been prevented. It wasn’t that I found it interesting, all terrible things are preventable, but no one does anything about it. It was that I was able to work alone. The rest of the class had partnered up, but I spoke to Mr. Han, and thank god he didn’t force me to find a group. It was a big project, and I couldn’t picture myself working with strangers for hours. I thanked god this was my last year of high school.

Slowly, everyone had filed in, but someone new was standing at the front of the class. It was that arrogant asshole from earlier. I rolled my eyes, then realized I was the only person without a desk partner.

Oh please don’t let him be a new student.

“Alright class, settle down,” Mr. Han shushed the class. He placed a hand on the new guys shoulder and gestured him to come forward.

No…

“We have a new student going our class today, so I would like everyone to welcome him with open arms! Go ahead, Adam.”

Adam looked at Mr, Han, slightly annoyed, then back to us. “Yeah, I’m Adam,” he waved haphazardly. A few people murmured hi back but it was silent other than that.

“Why don’t you tell the class something interesting about yourself?” Mr. Han pried, to which Adam narrowed his eyes.

He exhaled. “Uhh, well I just got out of juvie, so that was fun. The food was awful, but the people weren’t so bad,” he smirked, and the classroom erupted in conversation. I thought I heard one girl ask if he ‘got all muscular’.

What a freakshow, I thought. How could he stand the attention? Why would he admit to that? I didn’t know if he was just saying that to get a rise out of Mr. Han, or if he really meant it. I could picture him getting into trouble, his dark eyes, his lazy walk, the I-don’t-care-what-you-think attitude, it was tired.

“Okay, Adam, I think that’s quite enough.”

I kind of felt bad for Mr. Han. He was just trying to be nice, but I could already tell Adam wasn’t one for sensitivity.

“You can take a seat next to Mia.”

I froze. Of-fucking-course. I tried not to roll my eyes as he walked up the aisles to the empty desk next to mine.

“Hey,” he said, dragging his chair out with a screech.

I paid no mind to him. Maybe if i ignore him he’ll just go away?

“Hello…?” He tried again, waving a hand in front of my face. I swatted it away, giving him my best glare. “Woah, what’s up with you?” He remarked, his eyebrows raising, opening his eyes more than I had yet to see. They were pretty, deep and chocolatey, but I refused to pay him any sort of compliment, even if it was just in my head.

“You rammed me over outside?” I gave him a duh look, but his face remained absent. He pressed a finger to him chin and seriously thought it over for a minute.

“Ohhh, right. You’re that chick from earlier,” his lips pressed into a lopsided smirk.

I felt my face start to heat up. “It took you that long to remember? It just happened.”

He shrugged that same shrug from earlier. “Sorry, maybe you’re not as memorible as you think?”

My mouth hung open. The nerve of this guy. “Good. I don’t want to be,” I huffed, gritting my teeth.

“Seems like you do…?” He raised one eyebrow, clearly trying to get under my skin. And I hated that it was working.

“Oh, and Mia!” Mr. Han’s voice interrupted us suddenly. We had been whispering over him. I hoped he hadn’t noticed. “Adam will be joining you for the project.”

I opened my mouth to argue, rage swirling inside me, but he raised a hand to shush me.

“I know he has missed a lot of the lessons, so I will take that into account, but I’m expecting you to be give a good face to the school for our new student. Make him feel apart of the class, yeah?”

If I tensed my jaw any more, I would have cracked a tooth. Reluctantly, I nodded, feeling Adam’s eyes on the side of my head.

“I guess we’re stuck with each other,” Adam whispered into my ear, uncomfortably close.

Great.