Chapter 1: Home Again
It was strange how four years could go by, and a room could still remember the shape of its old ghosts.
Sam stood just outside the dining room, his hand pressed flat against the cool plaster of the hallway, listening to the half-muffled laughter echoing off the walls. This houseâhis parentsâ placeâhad been the epicenter of so many wild nights back when they were reckless, invincible, certain the world would rearrange itself around their will. Now, with the smell of roast chicken drifting through the air, and the old John Coltrane record Dad insisted on spinning, Sam felt both out of place and right at home, all at once.
He sucked in a deep breath, rolled his shoulders, and walked in.
Dad looked up first. He was setting out mismatched platesâprobably the same ones theyâd used back when the lived at home. Dad looked older now, shoulders fuller, hair clipped close but still wild at the edges. His smile hadnât changed, though. âTook you long enough, man. I was starting to think you were never coming home!.â
âJust getting my nerves together,â Sam shot back, letting the familiar banter loosen him up. âLast time I was here, Iâm pretty sure we was the night I left for Collegeâ
Mom cut him off, grinning wickedly. ââdancing on the table in nothing but your tie, if I recall. Oh Son how weâve missed you.â
She leaned back in her chair, legs crossed, her bare foot tracing circles on the carpet. She looked differentâher hair cropped short and dyed a silvery blonde, cheekbones sharper, a crescent-moon tattoo glinting on her wristâbut the wildness in her eyes was exactly the same. Sam felt his pulse jump.
Ellie breezed in behind him, carrying a heavy glass pitcher of sangria. She brushed past, her shoulder grazing Samâs arm, and he caught a whiff of her perfumeâspicy, floral, something expensive and dangerous. Mum had always been the most put-together of the family, sometimes too much if itâs anything my friends used to go by: glossy brown hair, eyes sharp as razors, curves that seemed poured into every outfit, even when she insisted she wasnât trying. Tonight, she wore a black dress that hugged her hips, her lips painted a deep wine red.
She set the pitcher down with a clink, rolling her eyes at Dad. âIf anyoneâs going to get naked on the table, itâll be you this time,â she looked at Dad and Laughed âI vote we make that a house rule.â
Dad smirked. âDonât threaten me with a good time.â
They laughedâtoo loudly, too long, but it felt good. There was a nervous energy zipping around the room, something Sam hadnât felt in years. He sank into his seat, letting the others fill the space around him. âOh god donât you two start youâve had years to have noisy sex with us gone!â Ellie said looking grossed out.
Ellie poured everyone a glass. The sangria was bright and cold, heavy with chopped fruit and cinnamon. She held her glass up, her eyes sweeping the table. âItâs been so fucking long since we all sat together like this,â she said, her voice unexpectedly soft. âI donât think I realized how much I missed it.â
Dad nodded, pushing his hair back. âI missed this too. Missed you guys.â
Mom twirled her straw, eyes glinting. âI missed trouble. And tequila shots. And the way Sam turns bright red when you tease him.â
âFuck off Mom,â Sam said, blushing exactly as sheâd hoped.
Ellie grinned. âTo coming homeâand getting into trouble.â
They raised their glasses, the clink echoing like a promise.
Dinner unfolded in a haze of comfort and memory.
The food was simple: roast chicken, buttery potatoes, thick slices of fresh bread, a salad dressed in lemon and garlic. Ellie had cooked, because she always insisted on feeding people when she was nervous, though sheâd never admit it. Dad carved the chicken, his hands sure and capable, and Mom kept the glasses full, adding a little extra splash for Sam whenever he looked away.
The conversation tumbled from topic to topic, old jokes resurfacing like driftwood. Dad told the story about the time he fell in the pond fishing, how Mom had stripped down first, daring the him to follow.
Sam remembered the all night parties at their house, the sound of Ellie shrieking with laughter as he got caught.
Ellie covered her face with her hands, laughing so hard she nearly choked. âI canât believe we never got arrested. I spent the rest of that semester convinced the dean was going to call me into his office and read me the riot act.â
Dad grinned. âYou wouldâve talked your way out of it, like always. Youâre terrifying when you want to be.â
Mom leaned in, lowering her voice. âI bet you two have some wonderful and exciting college stories to shareâ
It was easy, slipping back into the rhythm of their old household as a family, but there was something new threading through every look and gesture. Sam felt it in the way Momâs foot found his under the table, toes tracing up his calf with deliberate slowness. He caught Ellie watching, her lips parted, a faint flush rising up her neck.
Dad, always the joker, turned serious for a moment. âNo, but seriously, itâs good to have you all back. Iâve missed this. Iâve missed⊠us.â
A hush fell. Not awkward, exactly, but weighted. They all felt itâthe nostalgia, the years lost, the lives that had grown complicated and far-flung. It made every touch, every shared glance, feel important, like it meant something more than before.
Ellie broke the silence, reaching for Momâs hand. âDonât get sappy, Dad. Iâll start crying, and Iâm wearing mascara.â
Mom squeezed her fingers. âHeâs right, though. Thisââ she waved her hand at the table, at the half-empty plates, the wine stains on the cloth, the soft spill of lamplightââfeels like a second chance.â
Dadâs eyes met Samâs, a silent agreement passing between them. Theyâd been the closest back at home, a real daddy daughter bondâtwo halves of a wild, reckless pair. Sam wondered, not for the first time, whether he wanted him back or just preferred Ellieâs company
Sam poured another round, the sangria sloshing over the rim. âTo second chances, then.â
They drank.
As the meal wound down, the conversation loosened.
The stories grew more scandalous, the jokes filthier. Mom admitted sheâd hooked up with a bartender in a nightclub bathroom when her and Dad âopened up their relationshipâ; Ellie confessed to having a âwild phaseâ with a married woman in the city (âHer husband knew,â she said, lips curling up. âHe liked to watch.â). Dad, not to be outdone, described a disastrous threesome with two flight attendants on a layover in Paris with work.
Sam watched them, the glow of the wine softening the edges of his inhibitions. He wanted to ask questions heâd never dared to beforeâwanted to know what Dad had really wanted in Paris, what Mom had whispered to that bartender, what Ellie had seen in the eyes of her loverâs husband. The old shame, the fear of judgment, seemed smaller here, in the golden spill of light, with the scent of bread and wine hanging in the air.
Ellie turned to him, propping her chin on her hand. âYouâve been quiet, Sam. Whatâs your dirtiest secret?â
He hesitated, caught in the crossfire of three pairs of hungry eyes. âI donât know. Maybe I havenât had enough to drink yet.â
Mom leaned across the table, her dress slipping down one shoulder. âThat can be arranged.â
She filled his glass to the brim, their fingers brushingâher touch electric. He looked at her, then at Ellie, then at Dad. It was as if the whole table was caught on the edge of something, waiting for someone to jump first.
Ellie sipped her wine, voice low and smoky. âSeriously. You canât leave us hanging. Give us something.â
Sam glanced around, remembering a night in sophomore yearâlate, in a old car with a friend talking about everything and nothing, until talking turned to kissing, hands rough and clumsy, breaths fogging the windows. Theyâd never spoken about it again, but the memory pulsed in Samâs chest like a bruise.
He decided to throw caution to the wind. âAll right. But you have to promise not to freak out.â
Mom grinned. âNo promises. Thatâs half the fun.â
Sam stared into his glass, swirling the wine. âOkay. Back in college, there was one night⊠after a party. Taylor and I, we⊠kind of hooked up.â
The silence was absolute, sharp and crackling. Dad tensed, but didnât look away. Momâs eyebrows shot up. Ellieâs eyes went wide, but then her lips curled into a sly, knowing smile.
âWell, well,â she breathed. âThatâs hot.â
Dad finally laughed, a little too loud. âYouâre gay now?.â
Mom winked. âWho cares donât be boring. Besides, now I want to know everything.â
The table erupted into questionsâwho kissed who first, how far did it go, was it just once? The embarrassment faded quickly, replaced by a sense of relief, even pride. Sam felt lighter, freer, as if heâd finally let go of something heâd been carrying too long.
Ellie leaned closer, her knee pressing against his thigh under the table. âYou know, I always thought you two had a thing.â
Dad shot her a look. âWhat you knew too??â
She shrugged, her hand drifting across the table to rest on Dadâs. âJust a feeling. The way they looked at each other when you thought nobody was watching.â
Momâs foot traced higher up Samâs leg. Her voice was soft, teasing. âWe could make some new memories tonight, if everyoneâs game.â
A charged silence. Dad looked at Sam, then at the girls. Momâs eyes sparkled. Ellieâs lips parted.
Samâs heart hammered against his ribs, but he couldnât look away.
Ellie was the first to break, laughing quietly. âItâs good to have everyone back. Even better to know we havenât changed as much as we thought.â
Dad lifted his glass. âTo familyâand new adventures.â
They drank again, the ritual almost reverent.
The hours slipped by, wine pouring like water.
The world outside faded, replaced by a haze of heat and memory and possibility. At some point, the record switched to something slower, something bluesy and low. Mom danced barefoot in the living room, pulling Ellie into her arms, spinning her until they both collapsed in a heap of laughter on the couch.
Dad and Sam watched from the table, Dad still on edge about the sexuality of his Son.
Ellie stretched out, her head in Momâs lap, eyes fluttering closed. âI could stay here forever,â she murmured.
Mom stroked her hair, her fingers gentle. âMe too.â
Dad looked at Sam, his gaze heavy. âYou want to go for a walk? Clear your head?â
Sam nodded. âYeah. Letâs do it.â
They left the girls tangled on the couch, slipping out onto the back porch. The night was warm, the sky thick with stars. Dad lit a cigarette, offering Sam one. He took it, even though heâd quit years ago.
They stood in silence, passing the smoke between them.
Dad broke it first. âYou okay?â
Sam nodded. âBetter than okay.â
Dad grinned, the old mischief back in his eyes. âYou know, I donât mind if youâre gay.â
Samâs chest tightened. âI donât think I am Dad, I like girls too.â
Dad leaned in, their shoulders brushing. âWe should talk about it.â
Sam turned, their faces inches apart. âOr we could just stop talking.â
Dadâs mouth crashed into his, hard and desperate, and for a moment, the world narrowed to the taste of smoke and wine and memory.
They broke apart, breathless. Dad laughed. âWoooahh what theâŠ.â
âShhhhhh,â Sam whispered.
They finished their cigarettes in silence, the kind of silence that says everything words canât.
When they went back inside, the girls were waiting, eyes bright, cheeks flushed.
Mom grinned, patting the empty space between her and Ellie. âTook you long enough.â
Dad glanced at Sam. âJust catching upâ
Sam nodded. âYeah. Weâre cool.â
The night was just beginning.