Chapter 1
Dear Mr.Waters,
I can’t tell you what having you in my life means to me. The kind of hope you’ve brought to me just from being understanding. I can’t even begin to describe what having you here has meant for me… to me, in general. You gave me the safe space that I was so desperate for. One that I’d almost forgotten how to have. One that I didn’t realize I would still need in this kind of world. The peace of mind that you brought to me, though, I needed it more than anything. You have no clue what you really meant to me. You were a warmth in the cold darkness that I never knew I would or could find. You were a level of understanding that I didn’t know I needed until it was there. That I didn’t know how to comprehend. You were the strength I needed to stand when my own legs couldn’t support me anymore. The strength I needed when my own failed me with a force of magnitude not yet registered. You were my favorite dirty secret that I never intended to have.
Let this be the first time I can really say it without the fear, disgust and shame that usually accompanies it, and that’s all because of you, August. I’m gay. I’ve always been gay and now I’m no longer ashamed of it… and that will always be because of you, Mister August Waters.
Understanding my sexuality was always easy for me, but at the same time it’s been one of my biggest struggles. I know who I am, until I have to say it out loud, but I still struggle with the failure of acceptance from the people who simply question it… questions me. I can remember my first time experiencing it. I was eleven in the sixth grade and genuinely upset when I was chosen to be the line leader. People hated lining up behind me. I hated standing out like that. Being the leader meant that I couldn’t shrink into myself and make myself as invisible as possible. Being the leader felt like I was being inspected by every last person I walked past, without a single barrier to hide me. I just wanted to be invisible. Being invisible meant that I could ogle my crush without anyone noticing and wouldn’t be questioned about it. He was nice to me, but at that age we tended to go with the crowd. Sometimes I was popular adjacent. Sometimes I was bullied. Most of the time though, more often than not, I was invisible… forgotten. I enjoyed it that way. I enjoyed being able to figure myself out without interference from the outside. I know you’re probably wondering about the crush. Fine, I’ll humor you. Up to this very day, I can remember what he looks like. It also helps that he found me on social media after we graduated high school.
He’s still a tasty drink of hot chocolate. If his muscles were the marshmallows then, yes August, there would be plenty to go around. Like seriously, he’s turned into such a sexy football player. Haha. Okay, I’ll stop now. His name is Amir. He disappeared after seventh grade and it broke me. I was so excited when he found me a few years back. No one saw either of it coming. It took half the year before I could even convince myself that he definitely wasn’t coming back. I don’t know if you’ll remember, but I’ve told you about him before. If not, let me explain again why he’s had such a hold on me. Maybe it’ll help explain my initial attraction to you; and why I insisted on keeping you at arms length. The two of you, while different in looks, are exactly the same when it comes to personality, morals and morale. It’s why you so quickly became my best-friend and why that scared me so much.
Amir transferred to my school halfway through fifth grade. At the time, we were in different classes, but boy did he make a splash. We were part of the division that allowed peewee to last until they were eleven. I only know because I almost joined the team just to get to know him better, but I sucked. Lol. Anyways, he was already talked about. Teachers called him a prodigy and I thought, “Great, here comes yet another bully.” I was wrong. So wrong. My first time meeting him was during gym class. A couple of weeks after he transferred, and the excitement of it died down, a new system was implemented. Both fifth grade classes would be taking extracurricular classes together. Luckily, we had an even number, otherwise I would’ve… nevermind.
Anyways, everyone was clamoring to find a partner for the game we were playing. I tried like three times and they all laughed in my face before exclaiming ew and running off. It was during one of those times where I was a contagious disease and you’d catch it if you befriended me. So I stood off to the side feeling sorry for whoever would be left and forced to work with me. To my surprise, Amir actually approached me, asking me to be his partner. Of course I questioned it, but he simply laughed it off and said he was sure that he wanted to be my partner. I was so elated but knew that I couldn’t let it show. After that, I started to see him around more and he even learned a few things about me. For the first time, someone didn’t question my girly sounding name. He simply said, ‘Sage is a cool name’, and that was that. It was over the summer that I realized I was gay for him. The closer it got to the first day of school, the more excited I became. I had no other way to contact him. No cellphones were allowed for me. Emailing wasn’t possible. Writing letters was simply out of the question.
I wondered about his summer. If he was having fun. If we would be in the same class that year. If he would still like me. If he would still be my friend. If he would like me enough to come to my birthday party; if I would’ve been lucky enough to have one that year. Little did I know that being his friend would be so hard. Little did I know that I would be the one to ruin his life. It’s why I kept you at an arms length for so long. I didn’t want you to be another victim of ridicule because you chose to associate with me. It’s not fair to have your life ruined because society is delusional about accepting my lifestyle. People don’t change and there will forever be this stigma around me and I just didn’t want you to be yet another victim because I am who I am.
All of this reminds me of when we first met, but don’t worry, throughout this letter you’d begin to understand just how much of a fucked up situation and I am. I just hope that you don’t end up regretting your choice to stick around. Can you do that for me Mr. Waters? Can you sit through this letter and hear me out?...
My hands trembled as I stared at the letter. I did remember him talking about Amir, but I don’t recall him explaining how far back he went in his life. Even then I chose to keep my feelings about the subject to myself. I didn’t want to ruin the moment we were in when he was confessing, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard to hear. At this point, I knew a lot about the person Sage had become and how he’d got there. I wasn’t even sure I was ready to learn more about what caused all of it. I was positive that I didn’t want to learn anything more about Amir, but with what I’ve already read, I knew that I already knew way more than I wanted to. Couldn’t lie though, I was starting to understand.
Sage is something… someone, that’s hard to understand from the very beginning and it only gets worse the further it’s prolonged. Still, once he finally starts to let you in, it’s impossible not to love him. It’s part of the reason that I don’t understand the parts of his life that I do know about. How could someone- nevermind. Shake that thought away. Instead let’s think about when I first met him. Yeah, that’s the thought that I want…
There was this cafe lounge that I always notice… always walked past, but never really had the urge to go into, but one day… one day, I knew that it was the place to be. I knew that I had to go in there and see what the pull was. Besides, football practice had my energy spent and I could really use the pick me up. Okay, maybe that’s just an excuse. There was this creamy caramel type of smell coming from the doorway that was beckoning me like a moth to the light. The doors were these giant wood-stained bar-like doors, the spaces filled with plexiglass. The inside looked warm and inviting and I couldn’t help it. I pushed through the doors and it was like I walked into a warm hug. Something about this place felt like the kind of mother’s love that is commonly depicted on tv. I felt welcomed and like fresh baked cookies, a loving hug and a smooch on the cheek was waiting for me as soon as I sat down. I could smell the fudge brownie cookies and chocolate chip cookies before I saw them. A nice and hot caramel latte was calling my name.
There were tables on either side of the aisle as you walked up to the counter, but there were also couches sat in front of coffee tables and shelves that lined the walls filled with books. There was a quiet murmur that filled the void and I was wrapped in its easy embrace. Being here felt comforting. Like I could be me without having to hide behind the mask of the sport that I loved. My slow walk gathered attention and I couldn’t be mad. I was six foot five, an outside linebacker for the team. At twenty one I had long, straight blond hair that went just past my shoulders and fair skin. I was dressed in simple black joggers with a black hoodie. I went to blend into the crowd but somehow in here, for the first time in a while, I stood out like a sore thumb. It both shocked me and made me quicken my step until I was standing in front of the counter tongue-tied for a different reason.
He was handsome.
He was dressed in all black, his curly hair pulled into a ponytail at the back of his head. He kept his eyes casted down and yet somehow managed to look like he was looking right at you. His milk chocolate skinned seemed to be kissed by the sun. He seemed uncomfortable being at the counter. Like he was almost too shy to be able to really function. I felt bad for him, but I also didn’t know him and couldn’t be sure that was the case.
“Welcome to cafe lounge. Can I take your order?” he asked and his voice was music to my ears. It was shy, low and welcoming. One of the softer voices I’ve heard from men, but still gorgeously beautiful. It was shaky also and that made me want to reach out to him. Suddenly I was nervous, scared of what this feeling meant. I wasn’t necessarily out to anyone, but my physical reaction to him made me wish that I was. It felt like my tongue was stuck in my throat… words escaped me. Nervous shivers wracked my body as I tried to rebalance myself. “Sir? Can I take your order?” He tried again and I had to mentally shake myself to regain composure as my hands found themselves in my pocket.
“I’m sorry. Can I have one fudge brownie cookie, a chocolate chip cookie and a hot caramel latte? Thank you.” My voice was shaky, my tone almost sounding dry. Trying to play it off, I cleared my throat hoping my voice would come out clear this time. “Can I add a double chocolate chip muffin to that?” Even my smile was shaky as I struggled to even look at him. It wasn’t fair for this stranger to have this kind of hold on me, but he did and all I wanted to know was his name. I needed to know and I needed to know now.
“Sure,” he replied quietly. The urge to lean forward to hear him better fill me, but I was stuck. Frozen by the mere presence of him. This felt like fate. Like I was meant to be here right now simply just to meet him. “Your total is $25.72.” There was a small smile on both of our faces as he finally looked at me. His hazel eyes swirled with anxiety and my resolved falter. Today wasn’t the day for me to introduce myself. I had to be patient…
The shot of vodka burns as I laugh at the memory. My first time meeting him was nothing less than intense and he didn’t even remember it. Getting him to trust me had been a long and tedious road, but I wouldn’t change any of it. Meeting him changed me for the better and allowed me to come from behind the carefully crafted mask I’d been wearing. Still, as confusing and internally chaotic as that first initial meeting was, it was nothing compared to the moment he first acknowledged me. I spent an entire month going back to the place hoping that I’d run into him again and finally get my chance. For a month I wondered what happened to him and if he’d been a figure of my imagination. For a month I wished I could change our first meeting and then by faith I got it.
The meeting that he thinks is actually our first…
The weather had turned cold. If autumn was like this, then the upcoming winter scared me. My confidence has dropped significantly. Today marked the thirtieth day that I’ve been coming to this place, and not once had I’d run into him again. My hopes were crushed suddenly believing that I’d lost my one true love. The way that I felt that day reminded me of the story my grandma would tell. She believed that you knew who you would love from that first moment you met. It would feel like your chest caved in from lack of air and like every part of your body was on fire and you never wanted it to go out.
I didn’t believe her until him.
I had no reason to believe in it until him.
It was like that one chance encounter unlocked a part of me that I hadn’t even known was there. Like something became clear even though I never noticed it. I needed to feel it again. To see him again. I wondered if it would happen again. Or if it was just a fluke? For thirty days I’ve come to this palace not caring if I was exhausted or not and I sat until it closed just to get answers to these questions. Standing here now, part of me wants to turn around and walk away, but a much bigger part of me is obsessed with the idea of him. I need to figure this out.
So again, here I am sitting in this same little booth I’d found two weeks ago, heart pounding, with my usual order when…
First came the scream bringing my attention to where the sound had come from. Immediately my racing heart increased. It was him… and he was falling… with a hot cup of coffee. A scream erupted from me as pain shot across my chest and instantly fury filled me.
“Oh no. No no no no no! I’m so sorry! You have to take this off before you get burned!” He was frantic, panicking as he both ripped my shirt open and dab at the spots with a napkin. The damage was done though as irritated red patches of skin sting when he touched them. I was wearing a short sleeved, grey button up with no undershirt. He was so panicked that he hadn’t noticed he was touching my bare skin until I grabbed his arms to stop him.
“It’s okay. Accidents happened.” I breathed, my deep voice unusually soft. His hazel eyes, staring into my green ones, were filled with horror and fear. My heart ached for him and I wanted nothing more than to pull him close until that fear was gone.
“I’m so sorry” he cried, his neck craned all the way back as he continued to stare. He couldn’t be any taller than five foot six inches as the top of his head barely touched the bottom of my pecs. “Please don’t hurt me.” He croaked out tears starting to leak from those fear ridden hazel colored orbs. He was starting to shake and hyperventilate. People were watching and that seemed to make it worse. I started panicking, unsure what else to do. So I hugged him. I hugged him until it all stopped and he calmed down.
“I’m August. I would never hurt you for what was clearly an accident. I just look big, but I’m really a cuddly teddy bear.” I joked hoping it would help him calm down, but he just sniffled and shook against my bare chest. My cheeks burned with embarrassment as people cooed and thankfully I was the only one that could see it.
“Sage. I’m sorry for using you like this. I’m-” his voice broke as he started crying again. Whatever this was, it wasn’t about the spilled coffee. I was just the thing that finally broke him…
I will never understand why that was the thing he wanted to remember. Especially after I learned why. Anger and violence filled me faster than I could grasp. I didn’t understand any of this at any point in time, but I was always willing to try. Even now with him- More shots. More vodka. I had to get through this letter. I had to finally come to terms with the fact that he’d left me. This was my closure. I knew there was more to come and maybe I could get the answer to why he left me with a broken heart and not even bothering to say good-bye.
