Chapter 1
A cool breeze across my face, sends an unexpected chill through me.
The sound of rushing water.
The scream of an Eagle.
Where am I?
A bright light burns my eyes as I look around. I am in the wilderness. Mountains in the distance. Rippling grass as far as I can see. A clear blue sky and warmth from the sun. The Eagle screams as it soars high above, riding the current, looking for its next meal.
There is no one around. I see a covered wagon in the distance. Two mules grazing, contently.
I hear the faint cry of a baby. Why is the baby crying? Where is it? I turn to look around. My breath catches as I turn to see three mounds of loose dirt. One large, two small.
My hands are bloodied and muddy. My long heavy dress is as well.
The image of Jacob floods my mind. My husband, the love of my life. My children Mary and David. Oh God, I remember! Lucy! Lucy is the one crying, my baby!
My vision is blurred by the fountain of tears that fall. I run to the wagon, stumbling and tripping, making my way back to the only thing in this life that I have left now. My Lucy.
Rounding the wagon, I see the cradle that Jacob had made with his own two hands six years ago for Mary when she was born. All of our children have slept many a night in it as I sat and rocked them, singing songs of love.
Lucy screams, red faced. Little arms and legs flailing about, tangled in the thin linen coverlet. I drop to my knees, lifting her to my chest, whispering my love, holding her tight.
Freeing my breast, she calms as she latches on for the nourishment she is craving. A rush of relief floods my body as she nurses hungrily.
I gently stroke her red hot cheek, wiping away the tears. She is so beautiful. She looks just like Jacob, dark brown curly hair and eyes the green of Emeralds.
I rest back against the wheel of the wagon, body and mind completely spent. They are all gone. How will I go on? We were headed for a new life. It was supposed to be as a family, all of us. Why God? Why have you taken my family from me?
I look back at the three mounds of dirt. My heart hurts. I can't go on. I can't do this alone.
I found that I had fallen asleep, still holding Lucy tight to my chest. Her soft breath against my breast. With one hand, I straighten the coverlet and gently lay her down covering her. She fusses and whines but doesn't awaken. I gently rock the cradle and she settles.
The fire is almost out, I need to gather some small pieces of wood left from what Jacob had gathered a week ago. I painfully gain my feet, willing myself to tend to the task at hand.
The fire now stronger, I get a bucket and head over to a small stream filling it with cold clear water. I put the water in a black iron kettle over the fire to heat, reserving some for drinking.
I gather the mules that have been staked with heavy ropes, moving them to the taller grass to graze. There are two large buckets they use for water. I fill them and return.
Returning to the wagon, my angel sleeps peacefully. I climb into the wagon, sorting through the mess of crates gathering some clean clothes.
I strip in the open air. It will be dark soon and the air is getting cool on a slight breeze. I feel the blood and dirt run down my body as I try to wash my pain away. But it will never all wash away.
Slipping into a cotton gown, I get some potatoes hanging in a burlap bag on the side of the wagon, dropping them into the unused water, putting it back on the fire to cook.
I pulled Lucy's cradle closer to the fire and settled on a log that Jacob had cut and laid out for seating near the fire. I touch her little fat cheeks, she is cool, no fever.
Looking at the three mounds of dirt, my heart clenches in my chest with pain. Two weeks ago, my children ran around screaming and laughing as Jacob chased them through the tall grass. I watched them, holding Lucy, laughing at their free and happy lives that were suddenly ripped away.
Mary was the first to fall ill. A raging fever burned through her little body. We could not get it to go down. Jacob even held her little body in the cold stream to no avail. Three days was all it took for it to take her from us.
Next was David. A strong robust little boy, never sick a day in his short four years. So smart and strong, he was like a shadow of Jacob, mimicking his every move. He suffered the fever five days before joining his sister in heaven.
I watched as Jacob withered away, unable to save his children, laying them in the cold dark graves he had to dig for them. He would sit between them for hours until I made him come back to the wagon to eat. I undressed him and washed him, fed him. He was barely a husk of the large man that I had fallen in love with, vowed to spend the rest of my life with.
I went to fetch him and found him laying across the two tiny graves. When I touched his shoulder I could feel the heat burning through his clothes.
I struggled to bring him back to the wagon, he was so weak, and I so small, the heat from his body cooking mine. I watched my beloved husband die for four days before God called him home.
It took me two days to dig his grave as I cried and screamed out my agony to God. Why? Why have you done this God? Were our sins so great? We worshiped you, prayed to you, taught our children to be kind and have faith in you. Why?
Lucy fusses, dragging me from my thoughts. I look into her beautiful green eyes as she smiles and drools on her tiny fist. I have to smile, she's still hungry. I pluck the potatoes from the hot water, laying them on the ash while I get her situated on a breast. I eat the flavorless potatoes as she nurses.
When she finishes, I lay her in the cradle and climb into the tent to straighten the blankets where we will sleep. I gently lift her, lying down, covering us and snuggling close to her.
I woke up the next morning to the pattering of rain on the canvas cover around us. Lucy is still asleep as I make my way to the opening of the tent. It has just begun to rain.
"No, no!" I crawl from the tent.
Everything will get wet. I scramble around gathering everything, throwing it into the wagon as the rain falls heavier. By the time I get through, I am soaked to the bone with a chill. Lucy fusses as I try to dry myself with a blanket and dig through the crates for dry clothing.
Dressed, I put her on my breast to feed as I shivered in the cold. I pulled blankets up around us. She fed, I cried. When she finished, I gathered some water that was running down the canvas. I quickly undressed her, washed her and redressed her.
"I'm sorry, my love. I know the water is cold, but we need to clean you."
I settled her on the floor of the tent, sighing heavily, I rested back and looked around. The wagon is in such a mess. Clothes pulled out and scattered about, dishes, pots and pans, toys, books.
I climb into the wagon, I need to straighten it up, put things where they belong.
I pick up a tiny shoe laying beside me. It belongs to David. I start feeling around to find the mate, picking up and folding things as I search, sorting them to their owner. I found the other shoe. I carefully lay the clothes in the crates.
It's hard to believe that we all shared this tiny space, and mats in a tent, but now it feels cavernous with only Lucy and I occupying it. Cold and lonely. I stretch out next to her, touching her flushed cheek. She is cool to the touch.
"Oh Jacob. What do I do now? I can't do this without you," I whisper.
