The Drive
Even I had to laugh at myself. Dad is going to say something about it. In my bean boots, jeans, and plaid flannel shirt, I look like a damned Subaru ad as I encourage Bilbo, my golden, into the backseat of my Outback. I had left half the seat covered with just his blanket.
A few snow flakes fluttered down in the pre-dawn air. It was going to be a long drive today. Made longer by needing to stop and pick up my brother’s college roommate at the airport. I’ve never even met him. But a Dartmouth student who’s friends with Andrew? Probably another fucking tech bro who expects to be a billionaire before thirty.
I make sure my phone is connected for my tunes. No streaming for me, too much time out of range of a reliable signal when I hike. Old style, music directly loaded on. I hit play and David Crosby is wailing about not cutting his hair. I really was born a half century too late.
“All set Bilbo? Next stop, Salt Lake City airport. Less than five hours. We should make it in plenty of time to pick up -,” I pause to look at the note, “Josh.”
Woof is the only response.
“Yes, Bilbo, we have to pick him up. I promised Andrew. Mom, Dad, and Andrew are flying into Boise, so it’s a pain for them to get him.”
Woof.
“Yes, Josh’ll probably give you pets. You’re way too cute for any human to resist. Even Andrew’s friends.”
Woof.
Woof.
“I know you’d like to take a break now, Bilbo. So would I. But the snow has slowed us down enough I want to go straight to the airport. As soon as we get Josh, we’ll take a nice long break, and you can do your stuff, okay?”
Woof.
As I pull into the arrivals area, I see someone about Andrew’s age standing there looking concerned. A Dartmouth preppy if I ever saw one. He looks like one of the preppies who would hit on me at school. Always got angry at me that a cute smile and a big bank account wouldn’t get them into my pants. God, I hate preppies.
I pull up next to him, roll down the window, and ask, “Josh?”
“Jenny?”
“That’s us. Well, Jenny and Bilbo.”
Woof.
“Let me hop out and open up the back so you can throw your suitcase in. Then we need to find a place for gas with grass for Bilbo to relieve himself.”
Woof.
“Are we going to be alright in this snow storm? It sounds pretty bad. Almost all later flights are being cancelled.”
“My Subaru has never failed me yet. We’ll make it. Whether the fam will make it tonight is still a question I guess. For as much of an idiot as Dad is, he knows enough to rent an SUV. If the plane lands, they’ll make it.”
“You’ve got more faith than I would. I’m glad you’re driving. I’ve never really driven in snow before.”
“Colorado gets plenty of it.”
“I grew up in Baltimore. We don’t. This will be my third winter in Hanover, but I guess the last two were really mild. Or that’s what people say. Didn’t seem that mild to me.”
I roll my eyes at this guy. What the hell does he think he’s going to do in a cabin in the northern Rockies for ten days.
“I grew up outside Chicago. Grand Junction is actually the least snowiest place I’ve lived.”
“I guess I should more formally introduce myself. I’m Josh Billings.” He holds his hand out to shake.
“Probably not a great idea for me to shake while I’m driving in the snow. I kinda need both hands on the wheel. But, if you insist, we can do your imperialist male bonding ritual once we’re at the gas station.”
Josh pulls his hand back and slumps down in his seat.
“There. That gas station looks good. Do you think you can take Bilbo for his walk while I pump gas?”
Woof.
“He’ll be nice, Bilbo. Or he better be.”
Woof.
“Will he behave for me? I don’t have much experience with dogs.”
Jesus, who the fuck is Andrew hanging out with? “He only bites people who don’t like dogs. You’re not afraid of dogs, are you? That makes you especially tasty. That fear comes through your sweat and he will lick you first before ripping your arm off.”
Josh’s look of terror is priceless. I laugh. “He is the sweetest, gentlest creature on the planet. He may lick you, but that is just being friendly.”
Josh looks relieved, but also turns bright red. I may be able to have fun with him. Something to break the monotony. And, if I’m honest to myself, to feel some vengeance against all the rich preppies who hit on me at college.
I pull up to the pump and climb out. I open the back door and hook Bilbo’s leash to him. “You be good for Josh.”
Woof.
“I don’t know why he isn’t coming.” I holler across the car. “Did you think you could walk him while sitting in the car?”
“Sorry, I’m coming. I was trying to remember where I packed my coat.”
“Bilbo, he comes to the Rocky mountains for ten days at Christmas time, and he doesn’t even know where his coat is.”
Woof.
“Bilbo says it’s nice out. No coat needed.”
“If you two insist.” Josh gets out of the car and takes the end of the leash from me. I watch him walk Bilbo over to the one area of snow covered vegetation. They seem fine, so I start pumping gas into my hungry Subie. Suddenly I hear a loud “Ow! That hurts!”
I snap my head around to see Bilbo relieving himself on a bush and Josh laughing. “Made you look, didn’t I. Maybe you aren’t so certain of how gentle he is?”
Touché, Josh.
Bilbo is done his business and comes up to Josh wagging his tail. Josh gives him ear scritches. If Bilbo likes him, maybe he’s not all bad. Of course, Bilbo likes almost everyone. But it looks like he gives good ear scritches. Definite point for him.
The pair returns to the car and Josh opens up the backdoor for Bilbo. Bilbo does not jump up.
Woof.
“He would like some water before he climbs back in. His bowl and a jug of water are in the foot well. Give him about half a bowl full.”
Josh does as instructed. He’s at least obedient. Bilbo eagerly slurps at the water. More than half of it goes in Bilbo. The rest is sprayed around the vicinity of the water bowl, including Josh’s shins. He jumps back as he feels the cold water soak through his khakis.
I laugh. “Bilbo isn’t the neatest drinker. I guess he would fit in at Dartmouth.”
“Ha ha!” Josh says sarcastically. “And where did you go?”
“Oh, I went to Bowdoin. We’re all professional drinkers. No need to waste any.”
Woof.
“You’re right, Bilbo. We should get going. The snow is only going to get worse.”
“Do you really understand what he’s saying?”
Jesus, is this guy for real? Where did Andrew find him? “Of course, I can. You don’t think I’m making up what I tell you, do you?” I look at Josh with a hurt look, with a tinge of anger. Like I might secretly be an axe murderer.
“Um, of course not. So it’s kind of like listening to Groot?”
“What’s grute? Is that some Emo band you listen to?”
“Groot is a character in Guardians of the Galaxy.”
“Oh, some of that juvenile super hero stuff. Don’t watch any of it. Of course, I don’t have a TV. Or a computer at home.”
“I’m guessing you don’t game either?”
“Oh there are some good board games. Wingspan. Settlers. That kind of stuff. None of the electronic shit. I suppose you love to prove how big your dick is by shooting lots of pretend things on a computer screen, huh.”
“Yeah, I play more games than I probably should. What do you do with yourself?”
“I mostly listen to music. You don’t mind the hippie music, do you? And I hike. A lot. And I bake bread. A lot more.”
“What do you do for a job?”
“I bake a lot of bread.”
“You’re a baker? With a Bowdoin degree?”
“Best use of it I could think of. Yeah, I have my own bakery. Cavewoman Bread. All natural paleo breads. I’ve started selling some sandwiches, too. Veggie sandwiches. Nothing processed.”
“No meats? Are you vegetarian?”
“I was vegan for a while, but I like cheese too much.”
Woof.
“Yes Bilbo, you like cheese too. But your tummy doesn’t like it as much as you would like. It’s going to be a long drive, probably grab some sleep, pups.”
“How long of a drive? When do you think we’ll get there?”
“In normal conditions, we’re about four hours from the cabin. In this stuff, I’m guessing more like six. By the way, I expect you to stay awake the whole time. Talk to me if I get drowsy. My biggest fear in the snow is getting hypnotized by the flakes after a while.”
We ride quietly for a while. I find myself singing along with Jackson Browne.
But Rosie, you’re all right, you wear my ring
When you hold me tight, Rosie, that’s my thing
When you turn out the light, I got to hand it to me
Looks like it’s me and you again tonight, Rosie
“You’re not singing along, Josh, This is your song.”
“I think I’ve heard this before, but it’s not quite my taste.”
“It’s for you. It’s about a guy who always strikes out with the women and ends up masturbating alone.”
He is deathly silent. I don’t dare take my eyes off the road, but I’ll bet he’s bright red. I have to entertain myself on this drive somehow. That one seems to have hit home. A sensitive spot. If he had a girlfriend, he would have snapped back right away that he did.
Slowly, I realize how much that hurt him. I actually feel bad. I scold myself in my head. Josh doesn’t seem as bad as the assholes who hit on me. I promise myself I’ll lighten up.
A moment later, he speaks, a little venom in his voice. “How come you’re coming up alone?”
I sigh. I deserved that.
“I’m sorry. That was nasty of me. I promise to be nicer. To answer your question, I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago. We had a big fight and then he packed up and left. Not sure where. I think we both knew it was over. Peace?”
“Peace.”
Rumble. Josh’s stomach is making serious noise. Rumble. “You okay over there?” I ask.
“Sorry, I never ate anything today. Any chance we could stop for food somewhere?”
“Were you expecting a McDonald’s or something? Um, I think we already discussed that I’m a vegetarian. And my professional pride will not let me touch any of their disgusting bread-like substances they put stuff on.”
“I should have thought about that. Sorry.”
Rumble.
I scold myself in myself in my head. You’re back at it again, Jenny. Back off, bitch. Why can’t I just be polite to him? He’s hungry. So am I.
I say apologetically, “If you can reach around behind you, there’s a bag on the back seat with bread, cheese and a jug of sun tea. We can eat on the road. Just try not to wake up Bilbo.The first hour or two of the drive is always too exciting, then he needs his sleep or he gets whiny.”
“The bread isn’t cut,” he says, having grabbed the bag.
“Just rip off a hunk of it. Same with the cheese.”
“Hey, this bread is really good. Did you bake this?”
“No, I stopped at McDonald’s and got a special order. Of course I baked it, dimwit.”
“I guess I need to think before I speak.”
I bite my tongue from pointing out that the first half of that sentence would be a good start. Jesus, he’s clueless. I think the drive is getting to me. I better eat something before I get even bitchier.
“Were you going to get me some too? I’ve been on the road probably since you left Baltimore or whatever God forsaken place that you haunt.”
“Sorry. Do you want both bread and cheese?”
I nod and he rips off a piece of each and holds it out for me.
“Put it in my hand. And just one at a time, unless you want me to start driving with my knees while I eat.”
“I really can’t do anything right, can I?”
“I’m still waiting for a contradiction to that.”
“Sorry.”
“Jesus! Stop fucking apologizing every other sentence.”
“Sor - “
I laugh. “Hey, at least you thought before finishing speaking that time. It’s a step.”
He laughs too.
“There’s a cup in the bag. Can you pour it about half full of the tea and leave it in the cup holder. I didn’t think to pack a second cup, so we’ll have to share, unless you’re afraid of girl cooties.”
“I thought you weren’t going there again.”
“Sorry.”
