Chapter 1 - Prologue
Prologue
POV: Adam
“Adam Raymond?”
“Yeah, that’s me.”
“Great. Come on in and have a seat…is it alright for me to call you Adam?”
“That’s fine.”
“Terrific. Nice to meet you.”
I sighed and sat in the chair closest to the door. I really disliked these appointments and having an escape route mapped out made me feel more in control if I needed to get out of there. I quickly scanned the room and the colors reminded me of Mom’s house; shades of brown, beige, and gold with blue mixed in. Although I’d been seeing my therapist off and on for years, it had mostly been online after I graduated from high school, and this was my first visit to Jeff’s new office. I wouldn’t be seeing him today, though, because he was away for the next twelve weeks on paternity leave with his wife and new baby. Since I would only be here in Westbrook for a short time before leaving for my internship on the west coast, I settled for seeing his practice partner, just to get the visit over with because I promised my mom that I would.
“So, Adam.” Michael sat down on the couch adjacent to me as he opened up his notebook to a fresh page. He was an older dude, likely in his late 50’s, wearing a light blue, short-sleeve polo shirt, dark blue slacks, and black loafers with no socks. The typical business casual look I'd expect. What surprised me though was the tattoo covering his entire right arm, and seeing that helped me relax a little.
"That a full sleeve?" I asked, motioning to it with my head.
"It is...shoulder to wrist, and I have a back piece as well."
"Cool."
"Do you have any?" He inquired.
"I do."
Michael smiled in a very easy-going way. “Before we get started, please know you have my full attention even if I am looking down to write, and I hope that I have your permission to make some notes about our conversation for Jeff to reference later?”
“Yeah, whatever. It’s ok.”
“Thank you.” He glanced at a page of typewritten notes that he had taken from the folder on his lap. It was probably my file.
“Looks like it has been quite some time since your last online appointment?”
“Yeah. I’ve been out of the country. It was kind of hard to coordinate with the time difference, but I had a good support system there.”
“And where was ‘there’?”
“Spain. I was with my grandparents for a while and then lived with some friends I met.”
“Okay, good.” Michael wrote something down and then smiled at me again. “Where would you like to start today?”
I leaned back in my chair and looked up towards the ceiling, contemplating.
“I dunno,” I finally replied. “It’s my first time back in the States in five years, and I’m going to California next week to start an internship and college—”
“What are you studying?”
“Video Game Design and Development.”
“Ah. And you say you already have a job? In the field that you’re studying?”
“Yeah. I’m going to do an internship with an indie game developer in Los Angeles and hopefully that will lead to a permanent position with them. I’m also going to start working on my degree while there…just to maybe help with future opportunities.”
“Excellent.” Michael cleared his throat. “Do you know anyone in California?”
“Uh, yeah.” I swallowed and looked at the floor. “She used to be my best friend.”
“Used to be?”
“We, uh, kind of drifted apart.” I gave a nervous laugh, not really wanting to go down this path of conversation. “Something, ah, happened between us senior year and we…we never really recovered from that. And then she left after graduation and then I left, so…” I shrugged. “It happens, I guess.”
“But you miss her.” It wasn't a question.
“I mean, she was my best friend.” My voice pitched up slightly and I felt myself starting to grow agitated. Not a good thing. “I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.”
“Okay. We don’t have to if it makes you uncomfortable.” Michael looked at me over the top of his glasses. “But it appears to me that you have some unfinished business with the young lady. If there’s ever an opening to clear the air with her and you feel comfortable doing so, you may want to take it. Just something to think about.”
Lying in bed in my old room at my mom’s house later that night, I couldn’t fall asleep. I kept thinking about Rachael and the last real conversation we had.
Our senior year of high school was supposed to have been our time to let loose and party and not give a shit about anything except having fun and making it to graduation. I was hyped about my twin brother, Ethan, leaving our dad’s house to move in with my mom and me, and thought that the four of us – him, me, Rachael, and my other best friend, Gia – were going to have the sickest time ever.
But what happened instead is that Rachael and I had sex on New Year’s Eve at Philip Patterson’s party. It was the singular most significant and amazing experience of my life at that point (hell, it still was), but totally the wrong thing to do for a bunch of reasons.
Then Ethan and I were in a car accident that sent me to rehab for months, and I had to scramble to catch up in school to graduate on time. It left me with back pain from a minor spinal fracture that wasn’t caught until recently on an MRI and didn’t heal right. I'm pretty sure that I'll eventually need surgery to correct it.
And I was forced to fully face how fucked up I was over the physical and mental abuse that Ethan and I experienced as kids and into our early teens by our dad, and also how he abused our mom. I realized that I was in no condition to be in a relationship at the time, and felt that maybe I would never be ready for one.
I couldn’t exactly recall how the conversation with Rachael went, it was too long ago and my memories of that time weren’t completely reliable, but I remember telling her that I was incapable of doing serious relationships. I didn’t tell her that I had been in love with her since we met in sophomore year, because what purpose would it have served? She was as stubborn as she was beautiful, and I knew she would have tried to meet me where I was at in order to explore something more serious between us, which would’ve been bad for us both. The only thing that mattered was her understanding that I needed to figure my shit out and there was no timeline on when it would happen. I was always honest with her.
I could still clearly see the hurt in her eyes just before she closed herself off and put on the mask, the one that made it seem like everything was fine and we could continue being best friends, while she quietly started disappearing from my life and was eventually nowhere to be found, popping up on the other side of the country at a top fashion arts school in Los Angeles. I remember getting the text from her that she was leaving and even though it killed something in me for her to go, I wished her good luck and told her to be safe. I didn’t see her before she left. It was a dick move and I knew it, but I couldn’t think of any other way to handle it that wouldn’t have made it harder for us both. After that, I only heard about her and what she was up to occasionally from Ethan and Gia, who were seriously dating at that point and regularly kept in touch with her.
It was easy for me to not think about it while in Spain. My mom told my grandparents how much more I seemed to be struggling mentally after the accident and they invited me to come live with them after graduation, which did me a lot of good. Europe was a whole different animal than being in the States, and I had to grow up and mature in ways that I admittedly hadn’t done during high school while living at home with my mom and brother.
I always knew that I would eventually come back, though, and get a fresh start. I loved Spain, it was dope as hell, but it could never replace home. Maybe Michael was right: maybe part of this reset was facing Rachael? Maybe we did have unfinished business. Maybe we did simply need to clear the air.
I turned on my side and pulled the covers up to my neck. How much had she changed in five years? I most definitely had. Sighing, I shut my eyes, ready for the sleep that was beginning to wash over me.
Guess I was about to find out.
