1
A mischievous smile settled on her face when she was opening the door quietly. Sanem was so excited! After the reproachful words he said when parting, I’m sure Taner would be very astonished with this surprise. The last night they spent together, they had gone to the fish restaurant they both loved the most, but had not been able to spend that much of a pleasant night. At the beginning of the dinner, Taner had complained about her business trips that became more frequent recently and continued to complain on the way back home. Sanem had thought about this during her entire trip, but was also aware that there was no way of decreasing these trips without disrupting her business. This was her business and frankly she had no intention of letting go of her business or position, for which she had devoted her past six years and in which she was quite successful.
She had tried very hard to finish her works to return home a day early. ‘Hope Taner has come home straight after work.’ she thought. Her heart thumping, she gently shut the door, left her handbag at the entrance. She had even left her suitcase in the car so that there would be no noise. The house was very quiet and there was no indication at the entrance of Taner being at home. The living room was empty and the television was shut, ‘Possibly he didn’t arrive yet.’ she thought. If he were home the television would definitely be on. Was he changing maybe? The longing she felt for him filled her with warmest feelings and she started to move ahead in the hallway quietly on her toes. When she poked from the open door of the kitchen and saw that it was also empty and nothing was scattered about, she thought that he hadn’t come and felt a bit sad. On the plane, she hadn’t been able to sleep for long hours, had dreamt of this moment in at least ten different ways and had anxiously waited for the moment they were eventually in each other’s arms. Now seeing that he wasn’t home was a great disappointment for Sanem. She sat on the kitchen chair, “Should I call him?” she asked herself, and then she smiled likening herself to naughty children.
Right then she heard something faintly, like a murmur. It couldn’t be from outside as the windows were shut. It was as if it was coming from the bedroom at the end of the hallway. She joyously got up thinking he may be taking a shower or putting his clothes on, bent and checked the hallway, there was no one. The bedroom door was ajar. She had again started to move slowly on tiptoe, when the voices coming from inside made her shiver and she stood aghast. This must be what they call one’s world falling apart. All that followed was like a movie strip, she felt as if she were in a different dimension. It was as if she was watching someone else.
The person moving towards the bedroom like a robot was someone else. She was feeling sick, her eyes were burning with pain, but she still couldn’t stop. She was almost running to her catastrophe and she found herself in front of the room. It must be someone else watching the moving bodies in the bed from the door ajar, otherwise how could she stay in despair, quiet and speechless? It was Taner, her husband, her life partner, her everything, embracing this stranger woman just like he embraced her. It was as if he was making love with her; same moves, same softness… Even though Sanem couldn’t hear what he said, he was whispering the same soft words now in someone else’s ears, just like he did to her, moreover in their own bed where they had shared their best moments together; he was with a strange body.
The silent tears flowing from her eyes, transformed into sobs burning her throat and with a sound, which she couldn’t believe she made, she set the scream within her free. At the same time she had pushed the door wide open but through her misty eyes, it was as though she was seeing everything from behind a frosted glass. She’d rather she could wipe away this disgusting vision of her husband straightening up in bend with panic, this stranger woman looking bewildered, from her mind and from her world, but she was aware that there was no return and she was very ashamed. Yes, she felt ashamed and stupid. Why had she come early? Couldn’t she have come tomorrow and not feel this pain?
“Sanem!” said her husband straightening up. He was looking for something to cover his nudity with at the same time. “Weren’t you going to return tomorrow?” he said shamelessly.
She gulped. In pain, but with a calmness that puzzled even herself and looking straight into her husband’s eyes, Sanem said: “How could you be so disgusting? Apparently I haven’t been able to get to know you at all. Damn you!” and took a step back. She wasn’t looking at the woman. She was appalled; she couldn’t believe what she had seen. Then she ran without looking behind, grabbed her bag and threw herself out. She banged the door shut so hard that she even startled herself. First she leaned back and started to take deep breaths trying to take her hiccups under control. She still couldn’t believe it. How could such a thing happen? What was she going to do now, she didn’t know? They had only been married for ten months and such a scene should not have been on their scenario at all. Her bag hanging over her arm, she was left dumbstruck in front of their house door and she couldn’t think where she could go.
All of a sudden, she felt so sick with the thought of Taner coming after her and being confronted by him; she immediately darted to the elevators and pressed the call button hastily.
My God, why on earth had she bought a house on the eleventh floor! Both the elevators were unfortunately at ground level. Five, six, God damn you Taner, eight, nine, I hope you die Taner, just then the elevator door opened and Sanem rushed herself in. Her tears were continuing to fall. For a moment, she stopped not remembering where her car was parked and then she pressed the second car park area button. She went down to the car park crying helplessly and time flew so slowly as if not passing at all. She was very lucky that nobody stopped the elevator; otherwise people might think that she’d lost her mind or someone and she was in no position to make explanations to anyone right now.
She still couldn’t believe what had happened. Such things could only happen in movies, it should not have happened to them. What he had said when parting, how he had reproached for her travelling again. “Retarded animal! Disgusting creature! What a liar he was!” She got caught in another crying fit. Sanem threw herself out of the elevator once it stopped. Her tears were almost blocking her sight. She wanted to go to her car as quickly as possible without being noticed by anyone. She couldn’t think of what will happen next, she didn’t know where she would go, but anyway, she’ll think of it once she got out of here. The moment she reached her car she started searching for her car keys in her bag, but as usual, since her bag was huge and overflowing, it wasn’t going to be so easy. Panicking with the thought of Taner coming, and having to see his disgusting face again; she got even clumsier in her search for her keys, she was very upset, and had started to curse. As a matter of fact, in a way she had never thought of till this day. She breathed a sigh of relief when her hand touched the keys and opened the doors immediately. As she was trying to find the keyhole through her almost tear blocked vision she noticed Taner’s car right next to her. The brand new black car her husband had bought two months ago, which he dotted upon... She threw herself out the car saying “God damn you Taner!” and moved along his car scratching the left side of the car with her key and took a deep breath with a tiny bit of relief. Leaning back, she viewed her masterpiece with great satisfaction and turned around to go back to her car, but with a sudden urge returned and scratched a final line as far as she could stretch. With a deep feeling of satisfaction she moved towards her car and grabbed the steering wheel again. Her heart was pounding; her ears and her head were throbbing with the strain she experienced as if they were about to burst. She tried to calm down by taking deep breaths, but she couldn’t avoid the panic rising again from within.
The emptiness of not knowing what to do was embracing her whole body and her chest was tightening, she was getting cramps with the pain she felt. She suddenly remembered to lock up the doors, how she could not think of it. Then she took out a tissue from the box sitting right next to her and blew her nose loudly. She could see more clearly now. She took a final deep breath, trying to pull herself together and turned the key. Right at that moment she saw Taner come out of the elevator and as her stomach was getting upset again she stepped on the gas. She had to leave immediately and be alone. This was all she could think of right now, to be left alone... She’ll think of all else after that. As she was moving toward the exit, she was watching Taner run to his car from the rear-view mirror and even at such a moment she couldn’t help herself wonder how his face will be when he saw his car. He would be so sorry. Let him be, he deserved it all, the retarded. This was nothing compared to the marks he left in Sanem’s heart. It was the least she could do!
She was indecisive as to which way to go when she came out of the car park and with a sudden decision she turned right. Facing again the chagrin of not having an aim and with the deep shock she had encountered she started to move slowly and aimlessly. She didn’t think Taner would come after her, she didn’t know why, but that’s what she felt. Deep down inside Taner must know the deepness of the wound he made which no excuse can amend. He should know Sanem very well after all this time. Though, this had not stopped Taner from acting in such a contemptible manner. Sanem, on the other hand, had thought that she knew Taner very well, but the terrifying scenes not leaving her vision, actually were proof that she maybe never got to know Taner at all. But how could she know?
Love remained somewhere in the past. She was alone; she was end on with the inflicted wounds. The moments she saw her love in bed with a stranger were flashing piece by piece in her eyes. She felt the warmth of her tears on her face again and at the same time she jumped in her seat with a loud horn coming from behind. She felt like making a gesture to the impatient driver behind her, but she refrained herself and moved to the right lane. She accelerated a bit more, though she was driving on still not knowing where to go. As despair, disappointment and shame were searing through her she felt longing for her mother deep down inside. Wish you were by my side she murmured to herself and started crying even more fiercely, Taner had been by her side all the time when she had lost her mother last year, they had even cried together at times. She still couldn’t believe it, how could he do such a thing? How could that man full of love and compassion, touch someone else? He must have been concealing so much within. Whereas; Sanem had opened her heart to him. She had shared her most private feelings, which she never told anyone, only with him. Because he was her only love, whom she would be with till the end of her life, and raise their children together.
Her father had passed away ten years ago and being a single child, she had no family to take shelter in. The closest family she had was two paternal aunts and their families, but they were living in İzmir. She didn’t wish to inform them of such a situation on the phone and upset them. Besides she wasn’t ready for that either. She’d wait until she calmed down a bit more. She felt cheated, distrusted and left all alone. She always wished she had a sibling. She felt the lack of it more intensely now. If she had a sibling whom she could share all her problems with, would she stroll about in despair like this not knowing where to go to now? Unfortunately, her two best friends she loved like sisters had gone to Rome for holiday this morning and were to return a week later. They had invited Sanem as well, but she said no, since she had missed Taner so much and thought that she neglected Taner as she travelled a lot recently. Apparently, it was so much the better for Taner. Him complaining saying “You are travelling a lot!” were all a gimmick. “Swine, God damn it, pimp, whore!”
How quickly he got bored with her and started cheating. They were only married for ten months and had met nineteen months ago. A sharp pain suffused her all of a sudden. How did she know that this was first? Maybe there were others all the time that Sanem was completely unaware of. Her astonishment and the shock she experienced were escalating as she recalled their passionate lovemaking, the love words Taner whispered in her ears. How can someone be such a liar and twofaced? Could someone who was really in love, touch others like this? She was unable to understand. Their last kiss at the airport was full of so much love and passion. Well then, how could he get to be so disgusting?
“My God what am I going to do now?” she continued to cry and continued to drive her car straight ahead aimlessly. She got to the bridge and as it was Friday evening there was traffic even at this time. The staggering traffic aided her in composing herself a bit to decide what to do by getting her wits about. She wanted to be left alone as soon as possible and cry out till she got fed up with feeling sorry for herself. Only time will decide for after. She had taken the following week off in order to spend lots of time with Taner in order to appease him. She had informed Taner immediately. When Taner called her last night he had said that he too had arranged his leave and had very nice surprises for her. The bastard, he was really full of surprises. She was old enough to know that life was full of bitter surprises, but wasn’t ready for one as severe as this. Again she felt very miserable and alone.
She had crossed the bridge and as she moved gradually on the right lane not knowing which exit to take, she realized that she was at a turn off where she had to make a decision in her life as well.
Painful surprises are always pregnant to major intersections. She saw the Beşiktaş sign right then and with a sudden reflex she swerved to right, but resented it instantly. She knew where she should go. She’d go to Tarabya Hotel. She would get a nice room looking out at the Bosphorus which she loved a lot, and which calmed her and soothed her soul and would stay there until she decided what to do. She could at least spend the weekend there. Sadly, ever since the hotel reopened they’d made plans with Taner to spend a weekend there, but they somehow had not been able to make time. They especially wished to go when it was full moon. As memories burnt her heart, she wished she could wipe Taner off her mind. Forever and as if he never existed...
She reached for her bag in the passenger seat and pressed the power off button of her phone, which she hardly found in the clutter of the bag. She wished to be unreachable. She won’t call Esra and Suzan either; she didn’t wish to spoil their holiday. She was certain that they’d be on their way back home once they got the news, because she would do the same without hesitating. She also knew how long they had been planning this trip and that they needed this holiday as they both worked as hard as she did. She didn’t think Taner would be shameless enough to call them and explain what had happened. Days that she’ll think about next will also come, but what she wanted most now was to be alone. She wished to be away from all, burst out in tears and empty out the pain within. 
