A New Life

Bzzz. Bzzz.

I look at my phone and I see Call from Michelle. About time. I was starting to worry about her. She works too hard.

“Hi sweetie. How are you doing?”

“Sorry I haven’t called recently -“

“You work too hard. I know your job’s important, but take care of yourself!”

“Mom, it hasn’t been work. I think I’m in love.”

“That’s wonderful dear. What’s his name?”

“Her name’s Lizzie”

Oh my. I need to have a real talk with her. Probably now. I take a deep breath and try to work up my courage.

But she speaks up before I can summon that courage. “Are you okay, Mom?”

“I’m very happy for you. I really am. It’s going to be hard on your father.”

“I can hear more of a but coming. I was hoping you’d be okay with it.”

“I’m very okay with it. The but is I have to tell you something, Michelle. And it’s not going to be easy for me.”

There’s a pregnant pause in the conversation.

“I was always attracted to girls. I still am. But that would not have been acceptable when I was growing up, at least not in my family. I dated your father when he came courting to cover it up. I married him to make my family happy. I don’t hate sex with your father, but I do avoid it. That’s probably part of why you’re an only child. Your father has no idea. You’re the first person I’ve ever told this to.”

“I had no idea, Mom. I didn’t realize I was interested in women until this summer. Lisa, my friend at work, got me to re-examine myself. Lizzie is on my basketball team. She’s so good. Much better than I ever could’ve hoped to be. She does some sort of techie work, I haven’t quite figured out what yet.”

She pauses for a moment. I’m not sure she took a breath for the last stretch.

“She is so dreamy. I love her soooo much.”

I can just see her, with her eyes shut, saying that last bit.

There’s a longer pause.

“Mom, do you think you can tell Dad? I’m not sure how he’ll take this.”

“Not well, I’m afraid. I’ll try to break it to him when I think he can be receptive. But don’t worry about him. I’m so happy that times have changed enough that you can live your life and follow your heart. I wish I could have.”

“Mom, you’re only 46 and still very attractive. Why not? Go out on your own. I know you don’t love Dad. He might even realize that.”

“I don’t think I can. How would I support myself? What would I tell my friends?”

“Just think about it, okay? I love you, Mom”

“I love you, too, sweetie.”

I’ll have to think hard about how to tell this to Charles. He’s not going to take it well.

I go into the living room, where Charles has the Yankees on. But he’s only half watching, as he sips his scotch.

“Was that you on the phone, Bethany?” he asks.

“Yeah, Michelle called.”

“What did my princess have to say?”

“She told me she’s in love.”

“So are we going to get a grandson? Do we know his name? Can he support her? When do we get to meet him?”

“I forget the name. She said something about being in tech. I don’t think they are far enough along to think about kids. Or even meeting the parents.”

“Tech usually pays pretty well. It’s about time. When you were her age, she was already six.”

He thinks for a minute, then continues, “I was worried with her playing basketball. I’m not sure why you let her do it. Girls shouldn’t play sports. And I hear that girl’s basketball is full of deviants, between the perverts trying to get into their locker rooms and half the players are damned lesbians. It’s a miracle she came out of it okay. A testament to how well we raised her, I think.”

“It certainly is, dear.”

I decide not to point out that I played tennis in high school. He thought that was nice when he started dating me.

This is going to be just as bad as I was afraid it might be.

I fret all evening about it. At least we moved into separate bedrooms when Michelle went off to college seven years ago. I only have to put up with him insisting on having access to my body once or twice a month. I’m probably safe tonight. I realize I lied to Michelle about that; I do hate sex with him.

We have our usual breakfast with no real conversation then he’s off to work for the day. I start thinking again about my phone call yesterday with Michelle as I’m cleaning up. God, I envy her. She’s right, though, I really should leave Charles.

I have a tennis lesson at 10:30 then lunch with Amanda at the club at 11:45. She’s certainly the most open minded of my friends. And hates Charles, which is probably not unrelated. I promise myself I’ll talk to her about all this and see what she suggests.

I half watch the TV that is on as I putter around the kitchen until it’s time to head to the club. My lesson goes poorly; I don’t seem to have my head in what I’m doing. After the lesson, I take my shower and change into a nice summer dress. Labor Day may have been earlier this week, but it still feels like mid August out there.

They seat me at our table while I’m waiting for Amanda. Can I really tell Amanda about Michelle? What if she’s shocked? Or she won’t talk to me anymore? Or she laughs at me?

I have to tell myself to calm down. Amanda is very accepting about people. It’s one of her best qualities. She might laugh, but if she does, it’ll be imagining Charles’s reaction when I finally find the nerve to tell him.

When I see Amanda coming over, I stand up and give her a polite hug. Looking at her, most of my fears about talking to her melt away; she has this caring, compassionate face that makes me feel warm inside.

“I have something I have to tell you,” I say, “But it really has to stay a secret. No one can know. Especially not Angie.”

We both laugh. Angie will try to get you to tell her something in the strictest of confidence; five minutes later, she’s posting about it on facebook.

“What’s this big secret?”

“Michelle called last night and told me she’s in love.”

“That’s wonderful!”

“She’s in love with another woman.”

“Oh, I see,” she says, trying not to laugh, “Have you told Charles yet?”

“I told him she told me she was in love. I left out the part about it being a woman. He just assumed it was a man, of course. Michelle asked me to tell him. I have no idea how I am going to do it.”

“If you were hoping I was going to have a brilliant idea how to convince your husband to accept that his little princess is a lesbian, I’m fresh out. I almost want to be there when you tell him, just to watch his heart break.”

“More I just needed to tell someone. The last fifteen hours since she called me is eating me up.”

“How’s she doing otherwise?”

“Oh she’s doing very well. I think I told you she got a big promotion at work last month. She works too hard, although it’s fun when I see her in the background at some press conference. I watch the news about every major crisis in a small city, just to see if she’s helping out.”

“That’s right, she does PR consulting for cities and towns, right?”

“Yeah. I may be her mother, but I think she does really well with it. Her new friend plays basketball with her, I think that’s how they met, and is some sort of a techie.”

“You probably should try to call her ‘girlfriend’ when talking to Michelle. Friend sounds like you’re trying to deny the relationship. I didn’t know Michelle was playing basketball again. She liked it so much in high school.”

“Yeah, she joined a co-ed adult league earlier this summer. Oh, and you’ll approve of this, She wants me to leave Charles.”

“She told you that?”

“In so many words, yeah.”

Amanda looks at me carefully. “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to, but something more is going on. I can see that in your face. Is Charles cheating on you?”

I look surprised. “Not that I know of.”

I look down at my salad to avoid her eyes. If I caught him cheating, that would actually make everything easier. I could divorce him, get a good settlement, and no one would know any better. God, that would be my saving grace. If only it were true.

Amanda breaks my thoughts, saying, “As I said, you don’t have to tell me, but you need to tell someone what’s going on. Something more than Michelle coming out of the closet is the real thing that’s eating you up. More than even worrying about trying to tell Charles. For all I joked earlier, I certainly don’t envy you in that task.”

She looks at me, but I continue to mostly stare at my salad.

Despite my avoiding her eyes, or maybe because, she continues on. “You’re better than almost anyone I’ve ever known at acting like everything is roses, no matter what’s happening. We’ve been friends for fifteen years now and I’ve never seen anything eat at you like this. So if you can’t tell me, let me know that you’re talking to someone. This is not healthy for you.”

She’s right, of course. I gulp as I feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

I look at her and say, “I admitted something to Michelle last night that I’ve never said out loud before. And now I’m about to say it again.”

I take another deep breath, before continuing, “I’ve known since eighth grade that I was attracted to women. Only women. I’ve known it, but I’ve never said it. Even in my head. Once I said it last night to Michelle, it became much more real. I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave Charles. What would I say to people? How would I support myself? Finding out that he was having an affair would be a godsend. A get out of jail free card.”

A few tears start to run down my cheeks. She reaches over and dabs them off my cheek with her napkin. She extends her other hand and I grasp it tightly.

“Were you going to eat much more? I was thinking you might want to head to the ladies room and wash up while I settle the check. Let’s see if we can take a stroll and find a bench where we can chat, away from prying ears. I don’t have another appointment until two.”

I wipe my face with my napkin and head to the ladies room, hoping no one notices me. When I have washed my face and checked twice in the mirror, I come out to find Amanda waiting by the door.