Her Cage
If you asked Alexandria how she was qualified to be a princess she would have told you that God had made a mistake. She never quite felt like she belonged in the lavish gowns and marble palaces she always found herself in. She wanted to be outside where the common children were. But not just that she wanted to be where the common boys were, roughhousing and getting dirty. If you asked Alexandria, she wasn’t meant to be a princess. She wasn’t even meant to be a girl.
By the time she was eight years old, the townspeople knew that fact almost as well as she did. Her favorite maid had started letting her come to the village the year before and Alexandria had already lost count of the times that she had been scolded for running with the boys, for getting her overly elaborate dresses dirty, for fighting the boys and winning, for loving the mud more than she loved the palace.
“What am I supposed to say to your mother Alexandria?”
The first few times she heard that question it hurt more than any of the scrapes or cuts she got playing around. Why was it bad to be happy? Why didn’t her mother like her when she was at her happiest? What was so bad about who she wanted to be?
Later, the question echoed through her being almost as if it was constantly being said. By the time she had ruined six of her best dresses, the maid began to dress Alexandria in servant’s clothing instead and, honestly, the fleeting moments when she got to pretend she was someone else were the happiest moments of her childhood. There weren’t any lessons to take on how to be a proper princess or how to rule a kingdom. She wasn’t the constant disappointment of a daughter. Instead of Princess Alexandria Danazsovsky, she got to be Alex, just another boy from the village, in a game of pretend that she never wanted to end.
But the maid always came to get her and cleaned her up for whatever lesson was waiting. She was always forced back into the carefully stitched silk dresses and the weight of her name. She always knew she was reaching for something she’d never be able to have but Alex didn’t realize just how unattainable it was until she turned twelve. By that point, it had become a lot easier to tell that she was a girl and the boys redubbed her “Alexa”.
When their parents realized who she was, they were warned to be gentle with her. Somehow, that translated into “don’t play with her” and she was pushed out of their world and into the world of girls. Alexa felt more out of place talking to the village girls than she did any other time in her life. They all reached for things she was trying to let go of her tiara, her family’s wealth, her dresses, marriage, etc.
So when she reached thirteen, Alexa’s escapades to town ended and she tried to resign to the fate she could no longer escape. She finally became what her mother wanted in a daughter. She was prim and proper when they had guests, she wore her fancy clothing, she didn’t go outside and get dirty, and she completed all my lessons without complaint. The perfect princess. The perfect little-caged princess.
The queen didn’t know she went horseback riding in the dead of night just to get away from it all. Her mother couldn’t see the fire in her eyes yearning to escape the prison of a life she had been born into. Her parents couldn’t feel her fighting to do what was expected of her instead of running away to everything she had always wanted. They didn’t notice how often she looked out the windows and wished for a different life.
When she was sixteen, Alexa had already lost count of how many times she had thought of fleeing to another country and starting over at the bottom of the social ladder. However, she never actually ran. As much as she hated it, she was true to her destiny. She would follow what was expected of her: she would be a lady, she would take over the kingdom when her father stepped down, the path was paved with gold and she just had to follow it. Although unhappy, she knew it was what was best for her kingdom and her future to just fall in line. So she tried to smother the flame inside her that wanted something else and pushed forward towards the throne she never quite was big enough for.
When she turned eighteen, Alexa was neither happy about her situation nor mourning what freedom she had lost. She had accepted the life she was bound to by blood, the cage that was never open. Many yearned for the life she led, she had no right to be miserable. Her days had become a blur of going through the motions, wall up, prim and proper like any good princess would have. Nothing would ever change. She wouldn’t obtain the freedom she so desperately wanted; but, at least nothing would get any worse. Or at least that’s what she had thought.
Two weeks after her eighteenth birthday, her father pulled her aside after her last lesson of the day and into one of the conference rooms, “Alexandria, your mother and I have very exciting news for you.”
Alexa nodded just like she was expected to and glanced at her mother, standing in the corner of the room, “Yes, father. What is it?”
Her mother’s green eyes locked with hers and the queen smiled, looking more pleased with Alexa than she ever had, “The neighboring kingdom has a prince that just came of age to take his throne. Last night your father and I received news that he is looking for a bride and they believe that you would be a suitable wife. Your father and I discussed the idea with their representatives and we came to the agreement that it would be beneficial for you to marry this prince.”
Alexa couldn’t respond. Maybe earlier in her life she would have fought the decision. The fire inside her would have roared into an angry passion and she would’ve screamed and fought for what she wanted. But the eighteen-year-old princess couldn’t respond. She was angry, she was confused, she was hurt, she didn’t want to be married, but Alexa never got anything she wanted and the fire was too close to dying to fight back. It wouldn’t be that bad. She could withstand. It was just one more added responsibility. She would be the leader her parents wanted her to be. So, she bit her tongue one more time and said, “If that is what you wish for me.”
Her father smiled at her clearly proud of her response, “See, darling? I told you she would understand that it was a good thing! She isn’t the rowdy little girl you still seem to think she is!”
Her mother nodded, “Yes of course. Alexandria has moved past all of that nonsense. The young man you are to marry is named Patrick Drozda. He’s very intelligent and he is a musical prodigy. He is everything you could hope for in a husband, Alexandria. Try to look a little more excited about this. Not everything has to be a chore or assignment. We have arranged for you to leave tomorrow to start your new life at their castle. Your marriage will unite our kingdoms as one and eventually a more central castle will be built to accommodate that. However, for the time being, you will live within the other kingdom’s borders. I do not wish to hear of any trouble while you are there. You are to behave just as we have taught you to behave. Understood?”
Alexa nodded still too shocked and resigned to protest, “What of my belongings here? How will I reach their castle?”
Her father patted her on the shoulder in a brief moment of familial love, “They have everything prepared for you there. You won’t have to take anything with you but a few changes of clothes. You will ride horseback to their castle. They have sent a knight to escort you and we will send one of our own. It is a relatively short journey. You should be there by the end of three days if you keep a good pace.”
“I won’t be taking a carriage?”
He shook his head, “That would only slow your trip. We have already arranged for inns to keep you during the trip. We trust the knights escorting you to keep you safe. You will be okay riding your horse without the carriage.”
Alexa nodded, “Of course father.”
Then she turned and walked from the conference room to her bedroom. She was screaming on the inside but for some reason, she couldn’t force her feelings to the surface. Part of her feared that she had lived so long with her walls up that she had trapped herself forever inside. She knew that her younger self would be crying.
Or throwing things.
Running away.
Screaming.
Something.
Yet her inner turmoil never surfaced enough to allow her to actually feel any of the panic full force. Her emotions were just as dull as the fire that once raged inside her.
In what seemed like a moment, she found herself on the back of her horse, allowing the days to blur together just as any of her normal days would have. Her guards didn’t attempt to speak to her and she didn’t start any conversations. She dazedly guided her horse to follow them and before she knew it three days had passed and she sat on her horse in front of a new unfamiliar castle. A brand new cage. She was only vaguely aware of the knights helping her off her horse and leading her inside the massive building.
She only focused on her surroundings when she locked eyes with a young dark-haired man across the throne room. He was standing stiffly on his own in between two thrones wearing some of the neatest clothing she had ever seen. Compared to him, Alexa felt underdressed and sloppy. If he felt the same way, Patrick did not show it on his face. In fact, almost no emotion passed through his face. He looked just like she felt, walls up, guarded, going through the motions.
A small wave of relief washed over Alexa at the thought that they could be one in the same. That she might finally have someone that understood her desire to be someone else. However, any hope of that was squashed when he started his stuffy walk towards her with: “Greetings. I am Roderich Edelstein and you are Alexandria Danazsovsky. I thought that you should be able to recognize me. Now if you’ll excuse me I have more important things to be doing than socializing. So, goodbye.”
She barely had time to register what he had said before he pushed his way past her and out the door that she had been led into. She blinked a couple of times before one of the knights standing by her side scoffed, “Well I guess he’s a prick to everyone then.”
She looked at the man standing next to her, “Excuse me?”
The man looked slightly shocked at being heard and waved a hand as if he was trying to shoo the subject away, “Oh. I apologize Princess. It’s just that’s he’s kind of a jerk to us guards. He always has been and it only got worse when our new Commander took over.”
Something about his statement brought her emotions much closer to the surface of her being and she suddenly felt sick to her stomach. She must have looked distressed because the guard looked like he wanted to comfort her, “I’m sure it will be okay though. His parents just say that he’s not good with new people and he’s a good guy once you get to know him. I’m sure you’ll be able to escape his bad attitude since you’re marrying him. Don’t worry about it.”
Normally, Alexandria would have nodded and pushed her emotions deep inside where they belonged. But something about the guard’s words was pulling them to the top. She didn’t know why but she couldn’t stop the panic and sadness coursing through her being.
“Now if you’ll just follow us we’ll….”
She shook her head and bolted the other way, forcing out a strangled cry of, “I’ve got to go,” before running back out the front entrance of the castle. She knew she couldn’t run home and she knew that if she did, she’d end up right back where she was. So, when the fresh air hit her face she chose instead to run to the side around the back of the castle. She found herself at the stables before she knew it, clinging to her horse and sobbing uncontrollably.
“I’m stronger than this. I’m stronger than this.”
Every emotion that she had pushed down through the years was coursing through her veins as if an explosion had gone off inside of her. Every scolding, every unwanted lesson, every binding thing that kept her from who she wanted to be was running through her mind. That was when a new voice picked up, “Listen, I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but you aren’t gonna convince anyone you are strong by sobbing like this. It’s the exact opposite of awesome.”
She quickly turned around to argue with the man but instead she was shocked into silence by how close he was standing to her. She stumbled back into her horse with a gasp and stutter trying to fight his accusation. He seemed shocked as well but he didn’t back up. Actually, after his dark reddish-brown eyes had widened-wait red eyes? Was it possible to have red eyes?- he grinned like he was proud of something, “Well, isn’t this interesting. You’re the princess that came here to marry Patty boy. What are you doing at the stables with the awesome me?”
She scoffed suddenly vividly angry, “And just who the hell are you?”
He put a hand to his chest in mock offense, “Who am I? You can’t tell me you don’t know the awesome me!”
She gave him an once over trying to figure out if she had ever met him before. He was wearing simple low-class clothing. A loose shirt was half tucked into a pair of brown pants which were tucked into a pair of very worn out boots. Yet, nothing stood out to her quite like his eyes. The color was surprising in a way that Alexa wasn’t prepared for; but, the way he refused to look away from her was more unsettling. Never had anyone dared to look her in the eye after they found out she was a princess except the high-class visitors her parents always had. Yet, he seemed unafraid of offending her in a way that was unlike any other person before, “I don’t know who you are. I’m certain we’ve never met before. I would’ve remembered.”
Something flashed through his eyes then-offense or maybe annoyance-and his grin widened, “Of course you would. I’m too awesome to forget.”
Alexa rolled her eyes and she opened her mouth to point out how arrogant he was but she was interrupted by the guards she had previously been traveling with started shouting in the distance, “Lady Alexandria! Come back!”
Their armor clashed and clamored every forceful step they took forward until they stopped in front of her, out of breath, “We have to show you to your room! You aren’t trying to leave are you?”
Luckily for Alexa, her tears had dried due to her unusual conversation with the twice as unusual man behind them, “No, I…I just needed air. I’m sorry being here is just a little overwhelming. You can show me to my room now if you wish.”
Both of the young men in front of her nodded looking slightly confused, “Okay. Just follow us.”
She nodded and followed when they turned around walking back to the front entrance of the castle. One last time she glanced over her shoulder and locked eyes with the mysterious man behind her. He gave a flick of the wrist almost like a wave and then turned around and walked in the opposite direction with a slight smirk. She followed his example and faced forward once again allowing herself to be dazedly led through the castle to a room much like her own at home.
The guards took her inside, explained that the room was hers and that Patrick’s was across the hall, and then left her there to stare out the window at the setting sun. Just below her was a garden filled with rose bushes and lilies and past that she could see the wall that surrounded the castle in general. Unlike her room at home, past the wall there was no village. Instead, a few houses dotted the mostly wild fields that stretched into the horizon for what seemed like forever.
No, this time the village lay on the opposite side of the castle almost as if it was a temptation that she was forbidden to look at. Out of sight, out of mind. Yeah, right. Alexa sighed and sat down on the edge of her new bed in midst of all the changes her heart stayed the same. It seemed it didn’t matter how hard she tried, Alexa would always yearn for something more. And no matter how hard she wished on every falling star, her cage’s bars only got thicker and thicker until one day soon she was convinced she wouldn’t be able to catch a glimpse of anything outside.
And that’s how her new life began: walls damaged, heart broken, alone in an unfamiliar setting. Yet, somehow, some way, a small piece of her heart held out hope for the freedom she had long since stopped reaching for.
