Prologue
It’s hard to know when you’ve changed.
We go through life, day by day, worrying about the small things. We don’t realize that the small things make the biggest differences. That is, until we look back on the path we’ve chosen and see how far we’ve come.
We rarely look back because we’re constantly focused on what’s in front of us. The past seems to matter less the more distance we put between us and it. Sometimes running away from the past works, and the people that do it successfully are the lucky ones.
And other times, we realize that the path we’ve chosen is just one big loop. The past is like our other half of the infinity sign--we’ll always be connected to it. There’s no path we can take that will change that. It’s a part of our forever.
The past is a touchy subject for some. It was for me anyway.
The thing is, we don’t think of the past that often. But when we do, we think of the good things, and the bad----but mostly the bad. I think that’s because we remember the bad memories more vividly than the good. It’s easier to remember what caused our pain rather than what shaped our happiness.
People have asked me how I managed to make peace with everything in my past. I think that’s a ridiculous question considering that everyone’s life is just as complex as mine. That’s the understanding of sonder.
It’s difficult to imagine strangers going through the same feelings as us, even when we think that we have it bad. We don’t think much of them, we keep walking.
Some of us walk as if the yesterdays didn’t happen. Others limp through life because of their yesterdays. How you walk is up to you. But one thing is for sure: your walk will change. The difficulty of your path will change too. What might feel like a stroll now, will be a hike later on. We’ll have to get stronger. Or maybe some of us are already strong now--and for that, things might get easier. Or they might not.
I don’t think life gets easier. There’s always another tomorrow with as many hardships and challenges as today. That’s why I try to live in the now, even when my heart is in the past and my eyes are looking forward. But it’s scary to think about life, which is why we choose to live it short term.
People pass by, life keeps going. That’s exactly where we get lost. We’re told to move on, to worry about our future. We convince ourselves that we don’t care about the past, but only the future. Well, that is for most people. For others, the past means everything. I’m one of those people.
The only reason my life found purpose was because I looped back to my past. The path I took led me straight to it, and for that, I am beyond appreciative. Although I didn’t feel that way at the time.
Our perception changes when we get older. If I’ve learned anything in this life, it’s that. As well as the fact that people come and go from our lives for a reason. And of course, we change regardless if they’re there to see or not.
But the funny thing is this: we don’t even see change until we look at how things were in the past in comparison to how they are now. We may try to forget the past, but the past is what measures our growth.
We have to face the beginning at some point so we can see how much we’ve grown.
Most people think of birth as the beginning. But that’s not me. I choose to believe that my beginning starts where my life started to change.
And I know that we change throughout all of childhood. But I’m choosing this change to be the one I define my life by.
Anyone that has been in love understands that those moments were the best in your entire existence; you lived for them. For so long, I let myself believe that the ones that don’t care, truly don’t give a crap about me in this world. But I was wrong.
The ones that don’t care, end up caring the most. I just couldn’t see that at the time. But looking back, I know I couldn’t have.
But in all, the past didn’t hurt me as much as gave me a new beginning. A beginning I never thought I would have.
I have changed. And so has everything else in my life.
But my path has looped back to my past. I’m choosing to remember it instead of ignoring its existence. Because it’s a part of who I am, a part of my identity.
It’s a part of my story.
And my story starts here, with the one that didn’t care.
Some people don’t waste time with the ones that don’t care because they see it as a lost cause.
But they’re wrong.
They’re the ones we wish would feel something--anything.
So we pursue them like a tiger hunts their prey. We try to make them ours.
But then we’re totally screwed when we succeed. We’re bound to that person for life by love. A love none of us expected during our fearless attempts to make them feel something. To make them care.
And so we make them care.
But during all of that pursuit, we forget one thing: they change the entirety of who we are.
Because ultimately,
it’s the ones that don’t care that end up making you care the most.
