His Queen

I remember when I was growing up my father would take me and my family out to the woods a couple of hours outside of town. We’d drive to a small campground a mile or two into the dense woods. He’d pack us a picnic that included PB&Js and his famous green jello. It was an odd combination of foods, but it was made by him and that's all we cared about.

We'd sit on old benches that we were sure would crumble under us. Munching on our sandwiches, we'd talk and enjoy the company of one another. My three brothers and I would banter back and forth with friendly teasing as my parents sat back enjoying themselves.

As nighttime approached, we'd start a fire. My parents would cuddle up, normally my mother sitting on my father's lap as they shared his jacket. My brothers, especially Brad who was the more adventurous of the four of us, would try to climb the trees around us. He'd say it was more daring to do so in the dark, but I knew otherwise. He'd climb higher to get a better look at the stars. I realized this the first and last time I had joined him in the climb.

That night was calm and there were no clouds, making it easier to see the stars. Brad began the climb as soon as the fire was made. As usual, he'd ask any of us to join him. And like usual my other brothers said yes. But this time I joined in. I had just started middle school and my oldest brother Ray was heading off to college. Realizing this may be my last opportunity to do this with all of my brothers until Ray returned.

With a healthy dose of fake courage, I began my climb. Ray, the more level-headed of the three looked rather shocked at my decision along with Brad's twin Ben. Whereas Brad smiled and offered a hand to boost me to the next level of branches. Our climb continued with ease and with some help here and there from my brothers.

When we hit the highest point that we could all enjoy the view without falling, we stopped. Each of us taking a branch of our own and enjoying the beauty around us.

I took this time to look around me. The stars and moon cast a gorgeous white light across the evergreen trees. Shadows danced along the forest enjoying the freedom of the night. And there that night I saw my brother's soul dance with the shadows in the light of the stars. His eyes bright and a smile full of content. He looked calm.

I wish I had taken a picture of that look as it would be the last time I saw it.

Two weeks after our picnic Ben and Brad were in a car accident. Brad was ejected a few feet away from the car. Luckily this saved him. However, Ben was stuck in the car and as it rolled Ben rolled with it. Ruining the car and taking my brother's life.

Hearing that my brother died was awful. My heart clenched and then dropped to my feet as I sat speechlessly. I couldn't think or truly process what was said. I wanted it to be a joke. But it wasn't.

It didn't really hit that my older brother was gone until we told Brad. My brave and adventurous brother sobbed. His body shook as he lost his other half. He ended up having to be medicated quickly after, as his anxiety attack was causing serious harm. The doctors told us that was normal, but as I saw my unconscious brother it reminded me that I had another one that was dead.

I remember Ray taking me out in the hallway of the hospital after Brad's anxiety attack. He told me we should leave mom and dad some privacy with the doctor. I was confused but frankly too numb to care. My brain felt frozen as if every time I went to think my brain would take hours to process just one thought.

My family changed after that accident. My parents threw themselves into their work. Ray left for college and came for Christmas the first year, but he limited his visit to two days. Brad had completely changed. He rarely came home and when he did it was to get some food before he ran off somewhere else. For years I was home alone most nights. I'd sit in my bed and try to focus on anything but the fact that my brother was dead.

My family continued this way for four years. However, it had progressively gotten worse. Ray no longer came around as he had his girlfriend and Brad was too busy hiding from reality to show up. But I had lost it. My family was gone and I was lonely. I had started taking light cold medicine to help me sleep. But soon it wasn't enough and I was trying to get anything that would help me get an ounce of sleep.

I had finally hit my breaking point when I took a handful of sleeping pills Brad had in his room. I had seen him take them the rare nights he was home. So with the desperate need to sleep and escape, I searched through his bathroom.

I found the pills under a picture of Ben and Brad. The glass was cracked, but I paid no mind to it as I was so focused on getting the pills.

When I did swallow the pills chased by a glass of room temperature water, I didn't feel anything. Like usual, I cuddled up in my bed and waited. My brain loved the feeling of floating and the darkness that crept around the edges of the vision. It was a freedom that my mind had been chasing. Though the darkness was like a cage for my body, it was an open field for my mind.

Due to being unconscious, my side of the story is short: I had overdosed on sleeping pills and Brad found me. He rushed me to the hospital after calling my parents.

After that moment my family changed. We'd attended therapy and talked. We had gotten better.

As I sat in my car looking over the woods, I couldn't help but smile. It had some of the best memories and as I looked over the great vast of evergreens. Now, as a 19-year old, I finally felt like my family had come back together. We had to go through a rough seven years but we'd finally did it.

I had just finished my first year of college and had headed back home to visit my family over the summer. On my way back, I decided to stop by the same woods my family would have our picnic. It looked the same, yet there was a fresher feeling to it. It might have been that I hadn't seen the gorgeous Maine woods in almost a year, but it felt so refreshing to breathe in the forest air.

The wind blew through my hair as I sat peacefully on the hood of my old jeep. After going to college in the city, I was ready to be back in my small town. The bustling city was exciting, but sometimes it was too much. I was very ready to be back. I knew going back would be the best for me, but I didn't know that it would change my life more than my brother's death.