The ‘un’ reliable tales of Mr. Strass

Hey! I can’t help myself, hunger really is a bitch. Well I guess anyone would be shocked at the sight of someone (anyone really) taking large bites out of flesh from some (former rather hairy) human. The display really wasn’t pretty; could easily pass for a new age horror and gore film straight out 2004, from proclaimed horror master James Wan.

It might not be the best meal, but with the blood sucked dry the meat is kind of tendered. I do want to apologize right now for the snarky remarks that I make and will continue to make throughout, oh, and for the mess you are seeing now, rather I apologize for being myself.

Now onto the topic of a story about a ordinary 21 year old bachelor who was neither good looking nor had good taste, and a tasteless, tactless Bitch! who stole that ordinary man's life away. I know you’re probably thinking whoa kind of harsh aren’t you? You’d be wrong. I mean if you could be in my shoes just take a walk back to that day OCT,20 The day it started, My birthday.…I’m sure you would feel the same way, like this bitch really, really is…Oh damn, sorry skating off-track of the main points.

Well this predicament in itself would need explaining, but rather the ‘BIGGER’ picture would need even more explaining. For me to explain this in a whole, first you need to know who I am, then you need to know why I am in this situation, then to piece together this shit storm of a story, you need to Understand what has happened to me, and how I ended up as what I am.

Now before I go into some mansplaining of these events. I want you all to know my train of thought. I am indeed no monster, despite the bloody clothes and flesh hanging from my mouth while my unusually long nail protrude into this man's skin and flesh. I didn't ask to be in this situation. Honestly looking back now, I can only blame myself, but trivial matters go beyond me now.

Even as I’m biting into this, crisp, Succulent, meaty, bloodless soaked, tender… Whoa sorry got a little Sidetracked again there. Where was I again? Oh yeah, I’m not such a bad guy that I would put myself willingly in this cutting edge situation. I have feelings of remorse, and pride too just not for the fellow...well former fellow in front of me being consumed by.. You guessed it ‘me’.

My poor judgement might have led to this in a whole, but I am just an (not so) ordinary simple guy. I like to go to the movies alone, go on strange midnight walks...alone, consume buckets of chicken or hot wings on any given weekday, alone, oh an even go on date nights alon…. (Damn why am I telling this story again. I feel like I’m dissing my own self) OK, maybe I'm not so much ordinary, rather than completely shut out from the what most would call the norm, but honestly I’m harmless. -I say still chomping at the bit trying to get around a bone or… tendon. I think? No really, It really is circumstances that I am in this situation.
OK I guess it’s time I do some kind of explaining to prove my innocence here.
The names Charles. D. Strass, and no the D doesn’t stand for anything cool if that’s what you’re thinking. Non important matters behind, I go by Charlie or Char. I really was just your average college drop out, shut-in skating by on allowance and dead end bi-weekly pay. I looked at life like everybody else, get through it, day by day, step by step.(Ok that’s a lie I was totally sporadic about my choices which led my dumbass here) I looked at women up and down like some kind of mongrel, I spent money on useless things, I did useless things. Looking back on all of the trivial matters now, Damn do I miss them. I’m not saying my life has taken a turn for the worst but, Yeah I actually am. From zero to negative zero is where I am at right now. If you haven’t guessed by now this IS one of those ‘how my life got flipped upside down’ kind of stories, and not the Bel-air kind either. No this story has a far more sinister theme, involving strange occult shit, poor decisions, and some bitch named Veronica, who is by far more to blame than anyone in this story, -hold on……Sorry had to check if she was anywhere around.-
I know It’s not much of an explanation, but like I said mansplaining the best I can.

As the story Progresses do keep in mind the kind of person I’ve led on to be, It plays no factor or huge roll, but I AM A GOOD GUY. I Think!? Upon all the vulgar words used in my vocabulary, the bib I had neglected to even use, and obviously my elbows on table. (my table manners could use some work) I would say we are right on track you should just see me as any ordinary simple minded guy with bad manners, but a heart of gold. Oh, If you hadn’t kind of guessed by now by the vague way I had been telling this story, Yes I am a Vampire. Half might be better way to explain it. No your first thought is already off, trust me it is. I do not look like Robert Pattinson or Count Dracula from Bram Stoker’s, I’m guessing masterpiece, honestly I’ve never seen it. Spiked and slicked back hair just aren't my thing. My skin also isn’t pale and glowy In light, well I rarely did go outside, but that's another story. I can run faster but not super faster, I can heal broken bones, and cuts fast, but not super well. Takes some time honestly and hurts like a bitch. YES! I do suck blood. (I know it’s been on your mind since I’ve brought the word Vampire up don’t play dumb) Not only does it taste horrible, the taste of metal is intensified making it almost intolerable to me. (Might be because I am Half, though) Good thing is, it’s only when necessary measures come up. Bad thing is, that’s like always in our case. The sun is Extra Bad for us, doesn't kill us on the spot, but leaves pretty bad skin lesions. Which trust me, hurt like a son of a bitch.

There are a couple of upsides though. I am immortal unless a couple unseen event happen. Which in Vampires ,wait I mean Half Vampires Case. Those unforeseen events could happen more likely. In that case than I am not ‘that' Immortal. I Can scale walls which is pretty cool by my standards, but I end up sore and my hands always hurt, I have no body condition whatsoever. So yeah let’s just say to it sucks. It’s so glorified on the TV screen, but honestly was it? The least being a Vampire could do was make me good looking, and have an amazing body, by some unforeseen measure.
“God Damn you busty blonde bimbo” Damn almost dropped the pinkie, which is a delicacy to Vampires.
Nah I’m just fucking with you now. I can say that because I am one. So it’s not discrimination.
Honestly, I’m more of ‘ME’ if I could say so myself. Yeah that means take the hint I’d rather not bore you with extra ordinarily average details. There’s no chiseled jaws or abs here to see ladies so you can go ahead and put this book down. Now if you’re looking for a hard-hitting mystery suspense about Vampire Lore, Hunters, and Monsters that’ll keep you on your toes to the very end. You’ve also come to the wrong place..

This story is BEYOND AVERAGE, so average you might stray off reading, please do mind if you’re still here.