The Bitter Start

Chapter One

“Why do you think that there is not some deep, dark, feeling in your heart or mind after your painful experience?” Brant asked, trying a new scenario of trying to get me to speak about ‘the past’. He knows about it all, that I do have recollection of the whole ordeal, even though I refuse to acknowledge it to anyone.

Moving to start fresh three years ago at age fourteen, I threw away everything I used to be. Now? I act normal. I try not to be so weird around people anymore. Try not to be myself.

“There would have to be an experience for me to know.” I say, looking at my nails disinterested but trying to not let it show. He writes something down and goes for a different tact.

Damn Dr. Tweed. He just never gives up.

“What is the last memory you have had of him?” He asks and I tense for a moment. Calm down, aliyah, this is just one of his rare, more forward rebuttals. Forcing myself to relax into a comfortable stance, I decide to go for careful. Brant and I have done this dance well before we moved to this God forsaken place, him being my therapist for the past five years. Yes, my mother was comfortable enough in her life, that she could afford to keep the good doctor afloat all her lonesome, enough to get him to move here and have me as his only client for the first full month.

“My last memory of ‘him’? Care to elaborate?” I ask and he raises his eyebrows. It’s amazing the patience he gives during these sessions. It’s almost as if he actually cares, but I refuse to submit to a reason like that.

“Do you really want to hear his name?” I shrug, acting confused.

“Okay, what was your last memory of Lance?” He said and I take in a silent breath and sigh, rubbing my eyes. I know that I’ve schooled my reactions, I’m in control of the emotions I put out, and even though I’m so tired of talking about this I act as if its new, every single week I come here.

“Well, the last memory I had, was of him calling me.” I said and his eyes shot up to mine, trying to suppress the look of shock and curiosity that had flitted across his face. He always had been terrible at keeping his emotions at bay, so I wasn't surprised that he let those pesky feelings through before he coated his professional persona on again, trying to shrug off that I actually answered this one seriously.

“Be more elaborate, if you will.” He said and I close my eyes, conjured up the memory and slowly opened my eyes, looking to Brant with the same emotion I had before. Boredom.

“Well, I was just turning fifteen. Two days after was my birthday. I was icing the new bruise I had on my face from fighting again, my mom was at work, and my step dad was in a meeting.” I murmured out, finally telling him. He urged me to go further into the story and I ran a hand through my black locks. The only reason for me telling him this one thing is I figure he’d back off about the rest.

“The fights were always deliberate. It was always when I got angry, and I fought with one of the eight men that evolved around the schools bad-ass guy.” I made show like it was a big deal, when I rolled my eyes after.

“Once again that day, my anger lead me to win the latest fight, and I had put peas on my face to make the swelling go down. Mom always hated it when I fought, so o thought if i iced everything before she showed up, she wouldn't be able to tell the difference. It was then I got a call.” I said and he nodded but stayed silent. I laid back, looking towards the ceiling. when he knew I wasn’t going to say anymore, he spoke.

“And what did he say? What happened?” He said and I rolled my eyes, sitting back up. I put my elbows on my legs and my head on my entwined fingers, leaning forward to study the man. I blinked to him, to his faux calm demeanor, and almost laughed at him. Almost.

“He asked me if I wanted to get a donut together, Brant. You know in the category of what he said.” I said calmly, in which he pursed his lips.

“Aliyah, you won’t tell anyone what he said to you, and you begged us all to not call the prison to pull out the recording of it, that was monitored, and could have easily charged him harder time. So no, I haven’t the slightest clue of what he said. I don’t know if you had codes, or if you still care about him, or anything about how you feel about any of this.” He replied, sounding exasperated. Good, I reached my goal. I discretely looked at the time on my watch, knowing I was right on time with giving his frustration, then I looked to the psychology books in his little library.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Brant.” I said and he sighed.

“Time is up, but I want you to come back this thursday at five, and we will speak more about this.“He said but I was up and out of the room in seconds, rushing out of the office and past the receptionist, Merrill, and out of the stuffy building that momentarily made me feel claustrophobic.

After a moment of gathering my mental stability, I forced it onto my face and got into the car I owned. I didn’t want to think of the time I had in my home town in Bend, Oregon, it just wasn’t worth it anymore, I was past it, I started fresh, why can’t they understand that?

When I got home, I saw the wood two story house that I have lived in since I was fifteen and sighed before putting a content look on my face and stepping in the thresh hold. I saw that my step dads and moms cars were outside, so I made sure I put on a big act for them.

I helped set the dinner table and sat in the same chair I always do when at the dining room. My mom and dad set the food on the table and we ate, them talking about the small events of the day. Every night that their actually wanting to be home to be a family, which was more rare than airplane crashes, I got stuck having to act along. I was stuck for over an hour before I finally ignored them both to stand. I cleaned off my plate, washed it as fast as possible then went up to my room.

That was one of the things I loved, is that I only had to pick up after myself, fend for myself as my mother always worked and my father was the O.C.D type, and always had meetings or papers to work on at the office. I understood that, appreciated it, even.

I got ready for bed and passed out early, too ready to get the unnecessary day over.

Waking up to my alarm, I looked over and saw that it was seven already. Rolling off the bed with a groan, I stood up to stretch then took a ten minute shower. One I got out I put on a pair of black lace underwear with its matching bra, some light denim skinny jeans and a light blue shirt. I grabbed some black studded buckle detail flat ankle boots and shoved them on after I put on some blue socks.

Quickly, I brushed my teeth, then I took ten minutes getting the knots out of my too long black hair and then grabbed my school bag. Slinging it over my shoulder and grabbing my keys to rush out of an empty house, knowing full well they both weren’t home, just made my morning all that much better.

Getting to the high school, I got out of the car and made it there earlier than usual. 7:25- record timing I would say.

My friend, Abigail, walked up to me, her brace face and glasses were glinting in the sun as if they were her own diamond. I almost feel bad for her, if not for almost everyone having to go through it. Shes just a late bloomer, like I tell her most of the time. And late bloomers have there braces on in senior year. It’s fine. I always tell her how High School is such a short time in life even though no one thinks that while their in it.

It was a losing argument for me since I’m not the one who had the braces or glasses.

“Hey Abs.” I said and she smiled really big, showing off those pearly whites. Her bleach blond hair was always a huge contrast to them, almost giving more shine because of the reflection of the sun.

“Hey Ali. You got here earlier than usual.” She says and I shrug.

" I was speedy Gonzalez this morning.” I said, checking my phone before putting it away as she looked to me like she wanted to say more. I could see it in her eyes. But she didn’t. She was never the outgoing type.

She walked with me to our table on the grass. It's just a little spot to the side of where most of the students wait before school, them always delaying as much as possible before they had to actually earn their education. I never understood that, why not just get it over with?

“Franky was really wanting you to go to bowling last night with us. He’s pretty peeved Ali, you said you couldn’t hang for like, the last six times.” She finally spoke up and I ran a hand through my already dry hair while sighing.

“I just have a lot going on.” I said lightly, and she glanced at me with unwanted concern creeping onto her face.

“Is everything okay?” She asks as I set on the table top and place my feet on the wooden bench that was attached.

“Everything's fine.” I try to cut off the questioning but she looked at me disbelieving for a moment.

“Then why have you been bailing on us all lately?“She asked and I sighed.

“It’s complicated. We can hang out today after school for a few hours. My mom and dad won’t be home until late tonight.” I shrug and she scrunches up her eyebrows.

“Why?” My nosy friend asks and I roll my eyes. I reach down grabbing the apple from my bag to polish it as I spoke back to her.

“They’re working.” I said and realization comes to her features and she nods. Max, my other friend comes and sits beside me.

“Hey Ali.” He says and I grab my sunglasses, not liking the brightness of the sun.

“Hey.” I said and he nods.

“Franky-” He tries to warn but then the man came bounding over. Since Max and Franky are twin brothers they look alike but they have very opposite personalities. They both hang around the same group though somehow and still manage to rarely fight or even argue. Franky reaches us as he looks angrily at me.

“This is the sixth time you ditched, and I don’t know what's going on, but you need to either spill your guts, or stop flaking.” He said and I take a bite of the apple I have in my hands.

“ I know I’ve been flaking, and it's because even though I tell you I can't the day of, you still expect me to be there. So why don’t we hang out tonight? I can hang all this week except thursday.” I quipped and he narrowed his eyes.

“Why not thursday?” He said and I stood up, looking to him- shaking my head before walking into the school and to my locker.

Grabbing my notebook, I walked to the first class I had, sitting in the middle row and just drawing random patterns on a page I found blank.

I saw the snobs walk in, all high and mighty as they went to their place, acting slutty like young playboys, and the men compellingly drooled over the disgusting sight. Ugh.

Class started, and Max set beside me. He gave me a side ways glance, and I raised an eye brow at him but he just shrugged.

The teacher gave up trying to teach us after ten or so minutes, sitting down and muttering how we were the most terrible children he's ever encountered. He just handed us our homework and hoped we’d do it.

Max turned to me, and I turned to him, stuffing everything in my bag and setting out my phone so I could text Abi and Ronny.

“I never saw you just leave like that when any one of us got angry at you.” He said and I shrugged, not in the mood to talk, but he just nagged, not about my personal life though, thankfully. He wasn’t like that, he respected that I didn’t speak about my life at home or anywhere that I kept from them.

“Why? I had to hold Franky back from going after you. Abi told us that you had a lot going on at home, but she said that you didn’t elaborate and then Franky stomped off to class.” He said and I rolled my eyes and looked to him. Okay, maybe I wasn’t always as cheerful as I thought I was, but to me, this is pretty cheerful compared to the old days in Bend.

“Franky will get over it. Why don’t you all come over today? My parents won’t be home until later tonight, and we can watch a movie or something. I just. Every time- Every time he chooses to go out, it's the day that I can’t, that I absolutely can’t. I have a private life, and I know you guys aren’t used to it, but I don’t like to talk about it all. It’s just something I choose to not speak about -and frankly- I don’t think I should have to.” I said and he nodded and sighed.

“I know. We all have our secrets, and the others don't understand that because you’re more closed off than the rest of us.Their not used to that in the rest of us.” He said and I nodded, thankful that he get me. The bell rung and I stood up, still on my phone but not really paying attention.

Second hour went by and so did third hour. Fourth hour was with Franky, and again, the teacher gave up after the initial blow out of where they wouldn't even act like they were listening to her speech.

Franky turned to me as I set the paper in my bag, and turned to him.

“Look I get that you’re mad, but for making up, you and the others can come over after school and we can watch movies before my parents get home, just stop being so pissed off at me..” I said and he looked me over with a calculating gaze.

“I will forgive you if you tell me why you can’t on thursday.” He said stubbornly and I scoffed at him, frustrated for a moment and he could tell.

“Because, I just can’t. When will you respect that I have things that I do for myself? Things that only I know about instead of friends. When will you or Abi or Ronny understand that I have my own secrets that I am not willing to share yet.” I said as I stood up in the middle of class and walked away. I had to walk away.

I had to walk away, or else my anger would get the best of me. I would end up fighting someone, and I don’t want to start that up again. Against teachers orders for me to come back, I walked out and went to the cafeteria. As I sat down, the bell rang loud for the students to be let out of the classroom and I drank in the fresh air. Our table was outside in the courtyard and it was one of my favorite places to just relax. Well outside in general in the sunshine.

Max came out first with Abi and I sighed as a grumpy Franky came out. Ronny sat beside me, she was the one who skipped class and all. She was once a popular but shit went down she doesn't talk about and doesn’t like them anymore, so she started hanging with me. She's always claiming to know that the scars on my knuckles weren’t just from reading and being a good girl. So observational, that one. 'Like it takes a scientist' I think sarcastically.

“Come over tonight. I am having the others over for movies and stuff before my parents get home tonight.” I said and she nodded, then cocking her head to the side.

“How have I never met your parents?” Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because they easily mess up and speak about my therapy and other problems?

“They are always at work.” I said shrugging. It wasn't a lie, they do like to forget about me also. Until their confronted with me and my friends, then all they can talk about is the stuff my therapist tells them because that's all they really care to know about me. The others got in line for the food, and when they all got over here. Franky acted as if nothing had happened between us, like he was never mad and I was perfectly fine with that.

-

I heard my doorbell ring so I went and opened the door, seeing Ronny and Abi. Franky and Max were right behind.

“Hey. Come on in. Movies ready, along with popcorn and chocolate.” I said and they all barged in and looked around, knowing this was the first time in my house. Except for Ronny but that was a long story all on it’s own.

“Wow, nice house Ali.” I nodded in 'thanks' and walk them to the living room where we could start watching movies.

After, Max, Abi and Franky left, Ronny stayed behind. After an hour of being alone together she sighs and turns to me.

“Is it okay if I crash here tonight?” She asked and I shrugged.

“Ya, we just have to be quiet when my parents come in. They may be late.” I said and she scrunched her eyebrows and cocked her head to the side.

“Don’t you have to ask?” She asked but I shook my head.

“My parents are rarely home. When they are, we have dinner together, but when they get in late, they make dinner for two and go to bed, then get up early and leave again. They won’t even notice you’re here.” I said as I stood and made way for the kitchen. Cleaning the bowls in the sink Ronny help put them away before we head up to my room. Ronny follows behind slowly, speculating the walls but in an uncaring manner.

“So, what do you usually do when they’re not here?” She asked and I shrugged, looking around my room.

“Not much really. Just homework, I text, read,-”

“Fight?” She buts in like she might catch me. I look at her, searching for a moment then sigh.

“Look Ronny, I will admit I used to do that when I was in my hometown, but I don’t do that anymore. That part of me was left behind, along with the people in it.” I said and she pouted at me.

“Do you at least have pictures of it all?” She asked and I looked at her for another moment, contemplating on just how much I should reveal, before I run a hand through my hair.

“Their are a few videos on YouTube-”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me!?” She shrieked and grabbed an Ipad out of her bag and got on YouTube.

“What is it under!?” She hurriedly asked and I rolled my eyes but reluctantly told her.

“It would happen randomly, I would either walk up to one of them, or one of them would walk up to me. It wasn’t something that was timed or regulated, it was.. Bloody, most of the time.” I said but she shushed me and told me to click the one I was in. She handed me the Ipad and I cringed slightly before tapping on one- handing it back to her.

I stood up, not wanting to see the fight. I went into my closet and put on some track shorts and a tank-top before coming out to see her eyes fixated on the screen. Her jaw was hanging, and I could hear someones fist connect with flesh. I hated that she was seeing this part of me that I haven't brought out in front of anyone in three years.

“Do you-”

“Shush Aliyah! I am watching you kick ass!” she cut me off and I felt my mouth screw in a puckered grimace.

I set on my bed and turned on my Xbox from the controller, turning it to Netflix and setting it on Kevin Hart.

“Dude, you can kick guys's ass! and at the time you were little! I wonder how much damage you could do now?”

" Stop Ronny, I am not fighting anymore. I only did it when I was angry or helping out someone else that was angry. I’m not like that now, I grew out of it.” I said and she eyed me like she thought I might be lying, but finally let it go.

“Man..” she said and I shrug at her so called loss.

“Get ready for bed.” I brush my teeth and set my hair up in a bun before we both get in the bed. When I finally drift off, it's to the thought of throwing fists and spitting out blood that wasn't all mine.