Chapter 1: I’ve Wanted You for So Long
I had been working at the shop for a while now, and had fallen head over heels for my manager. Ethan was a tall, dark and handsome man in his earlier years of middle-age, and he was fit.
I remember watching him change shirts one day. He had left the door to his office ajar and I was sticking price tags on items in the backstore. His pecs were just the right amount of taut and his arms strong enough to protect.
I often wondered if he had noticed the times I complimented him, the way I blushed when he complimented me. I would get lost in his gaze and melt. He always made me flustered when we were alone. We joked, I tried to hint, and my heart would skip beats when he offered me his wide beautiful smile.
But what could he do? I was spoken for, trapped in a relationship I stayed in out of habit and out of fear, committed to a man who was as physically absent as he was emotionally distant.
Try as I may to get my boyfriend, Brent, to show me affection, he only did when it suited him. He would sometimes get verbally nasty when he was drunk, which happened a lot, and he had not shown me any form of real affection or intimacy in months. Whereas Ethan showed me caring even just in the way he smiled at me or spoke to me.
Ethan’s tone soothed me, offering me comfort on days when inside I was in anguish and turmoil. When he issued his managerial tone, it was grounding. He was always fair, never commanding, listened to our suggestions, and checked in on us to make sure we were feeling up to task. He even ordered my colleague to take a break when the guy had worked many days in a row.
Ethan cared that much about us, and it seemed at times like he cared most about me.
Maybe I was imagining through wishful thinking, but Ethan made my heart beat faster. He made me feel things, and he was always in my fantasies.
Perhaps I was emotionally cheating on Brent, the boyfriend who would go out and sometimes wouldn’t come home until the very next day. For the longest time, I chose to overlook the indicators of him cheating on me.
I remembered when Brent and I first started dating, when we moved in together, how sweet he was before he started getting drunk all the time, being nasty towards me. I felt ashamed to tell my family about how he treated me, so only my friends at work and Ethan knew.
I was neglected and yet I did not leave Brent. I stayed out of habit, out of attachment, out of hope, out of shame, and out of an unknown fear I could not name.
So I merely stagnated in love, yearning for Ethan, yearning for affection, yet wishing Brent would revert back to his old self. My love life was at a standstill because I stayed, yet I stayed because I feared what stepping out of this standstill looked like.
I was finishing up at work and singing jovially. Ethan chuckled. He never told me if I had a terrible or wonderful singing voice, but he always either smiled, watching me, or joined in.
My colleague and best friend Colette and I high-fived for our productivity as the boss closed up shop. The three of us left together.
Colette turned a corner, waving us off. My manager and I continued. Like many times before, I noticed Ethan’s car was parked close to the bus stop, and I imagined either there had been no spots closer to the shop, or, as I hoped, it was because he wanted to walk with me to the bus stop.
A group of teens swooped by on their bicycles, spraying us as their tires tore through puddles. One of them tried to avoid one such puddle and veered onto the sidewalk and towards me. I jumped back, narrowly escaping the teen.
Pressing myself against a brick wall and placing my hand on my chest, I heaved a gasp, as my heart raced from the near accident.
Ethan’s hands were on my shoulders, steadying me. ‘Oh my god, that was so close. Are you okay?’
His fingers brushed my skin, dancing down my arms as he assessed me, touching my shoulders, collarbone, neck, arms, checking that I was okay. The tingles stirred heat within my stomach and I nearly lost my senses.
Ethan’s hands finally came to rest on my shoulders. His touch was so electrifying, my stomach clenched, and as his deep-set eyes met mine, I drenched my panties.
‘I, uh, I’m fine. Disaster averted.’
‘Are you sure?’
No, I was not. I would not be, not as long as I had this longing and desire for Ethan that would remain unquenched.
‘Forget the bus. Let me give you a lift home.’
It took all my strength to keep my knees from buckling at the tone of concern and caring Ethan expressed. I nodded and followed him into his car, a car that smelt even more like him – it was as though I had pressed my face into his chest to breathe in his musk. As the aroma of his scent engulfed my nostrils, I felt trickles of sweat in my cleavage.
Ethan smiled warmly at me as he started the car, and we made idle chit-chat during the ride to my place. I hesitated before exiting the car.
‘Thanks. I…appreciate how much you took care of me tonight.’
‘Oh, I did nothing. A lift was the least I could do.’ Ethan paused, his expression inscrutable, his lips pressed together as though they would pucker up if he didn’t keep his urges at bay.
Perhaps that was just my perception, my imagination. After all, I could just have been imagining everything was reciprocated when it was not.
Ethan’s eyes bore into mine. ‘I appreciate you too.’
His words hung in the air, their meaning heavy yet uplifting me. And my stomach clenched yet again as my heart yearned for more of his affection, yearned for all of him.
I merely smiled and exited the car, realising I had been staring at him with no reply ready for what felt like too long to be comfortable. Surely he knew how I felt about him.
I blinked back my tears as I unlocked the apartment door and walked in, finding empty dishes and beer bottles strewn about the empty place.
I strode to the bathroom, undressed, and turned the shower on, as cold as my skin could bear it. My fingers found my dripping core, and I thought about Ethan, like I did every time I touched myself.
The next day, Ethan and I were awkward with each other. I noticed he was quieter…and keeping his distance. He asked me again if I was fine, but he stood several feet away from me every time we spoke and tasked me with things that kept me away from him throughout my shift.
Colette kept giving me those wide eyes. After I answered her questions and told her nothing more had happened, she kept narrowing her eyes at Ethan. She passed a few not-so-subtle comments, nudging me, nudging him, trying to get us together in the same room. I appreciated her efforts but it was a no-go.
I let go and simply focused on the task at hand. Shortly before closing time, I started singing in the backstore again, tragic love songs from a musical I enjoyed.
The door behind me swung open, but I ignored the electrical tension that hung in the air, feeling Ethan’s presence near me.
I stopped singing. ‘Sorry, not the best song, I know. I keep watching that movie.’ I sighed, and muttered. ‘I guess I like to torture myself like that.’
Suddenly, Ethan’s strong arms were around me and he pressed his chest to my back, his lips beside my ear, and whispered in a voice so husky I nearly fell limp in his arms.
‘Then I like to torture myself too.’
A moan escaped my lips and my hand instinctively found his face. I whispered his name, relishing in the moment that felt like a dream. Ethan leaned the side of his cheek on mine and I closed my eyes, wanting this moment to last, whatever it meant.
Ethan’s lips grazed my neck as he buried himself in it, ghosting a kiss to it. My hand travelled to his nape, squeezing in elation and desperation. He pressed himself more, and I felt him harden.
Heart pounding, I craned my neck to look him in the eyes. Ethan’s gaze was more intense than I’d ever seen it, and my heart somersaulted. I slowly turned to face him.
‘Because I’ve fallen for a woman I can’t be with.’
My body did several things at once: my heart drummed as my chest tightened, my stomach clenched, my lips parted, and as I seeped my desire into my panties, I moaned with need.
We lunged. I lunged, he lunged, I don’t know which one of us moved first. There was a brief moment of hesitation before the lunge, as we both jerked forward, barely perceptible, and then we were clawing at each other, pressing our bodies together, lips crashing together and mouths devouring each other’s lips.
Ethan groaned, taking my face between his hands, all while we continued to devour each other’s mouths. I gripped his shirt, moving my hand under it and moaning my need for him.
We parted breathlessly and I whimpered at the absence of his lips on me, at the absence of his musk enveloping me.
Ethan took two long strides backwards, opened the door, and called out to Colette to go home and ensure the shop was locked. He confirmed we’d be closing up everything else here. Colette answered far too happily – and obviously reading between the lines. I heard her skipping away.
Then Ethan was back on top of me, his hand reaching under my clothes as I tugged his shirt up to lift it over his head. I pressed my hands on his bare chest, gliding them down his pecs. He was the one to whimper this time. His whimper turned into a growl, and then a declaration.
‘I’ve wanted you for so long. Needed you for so long.’
‘I want you,’ I moaned. ‘I need you.’
Ethan paused, holding my face, and I realised, as he gently swiped his thumb under my eye, that tears were trickling down my cheeks. His brows furrowed, he looked saddened.
‘You have me,’ he said gently. ‘You have me in whatever way – all the ways – that you need, that we can manage. We’ll make this work. Because I need you. I’ve needed you for so long.’
My breath came out syncopated.
‘I want to be with you,’ he whispered.
‘Be with me,’ I whispered back.
Ethan exhaled, hitching, and by the sparkle in his eyes, I knew he felt the same way, truly. Neither of us dared to utter the words we felt or longed to speak, but I knew in that moment, that what he felt for me was the same as what I felt for him.
Ethan’s fingers found my dripping crotch and I was putty in his arms. My hands found his belt and as I gripped him, he let out a shout, tilting his head back and bending as his body trembled, even while his hold on me tightened.
I felt my legs would give out beneath me, Ethan was slowly bending as though his legs would also give out. His fingers explored me and I gripped his neck to hold balance as I nearly buckled. I gasped, I moaned, and then shouted. Ethan’s groan at finding the right spot and his half-smile of satisfaction told me his need for more.
He played with me as I pumped him. Our lips pressed together, mouths open and tongues twining as we both moaned continuously into each other’s mouths. The moment stretched, the heat rose, my cunt dripped and Ethan hardened ever more.
Ethan’s shaft oozed and my thumb strummed him. Ethan let out a loud gasp, a cry followed, with an ‘Oh, god, Esmé,’ as his head tilted back once more and his knees bent more than before.
Ethan took a step back as his body gave way and he fell into a chair – our lips remained locked the whole time. I straddled him, shedding my clothes to spread myself for his ready erection.
I knew in that moment we would figure the rest out, all that mattered was to find a way to be together. And everything else melted away as I melted in his arms – as we took each other – our screams echoing our emotions throughout the shop.
