Chapter 1
She jarred out of bed as though racing towards something. As she awoke, she let out a low screech. Her pillow drenched with sweat and tears from the horrendous events playing over and over again in the nightmare she was forced to relive night after night. Her husband, Emmet woke up hazy yet alarmed, “Are you okay?” he inquired, as he reached for her hand and sat up. “Yeah honey I’m fine,” she assured and gave him a kiss, breathing so deeply as if she had just run a mile. Emmet kissed her forehead and hesitantly rolled back over and fell asleep, knowing this was not uncommon for her. Though he was worried, he knew that if she needed him, she would have told him so. She peered at the clock; 4:32 am a bit later than the night before. She gazed at him as he fell back asleep and lay there so peacefully.
Both now 36 years old, Emmet was an average man; 6’0, 197lbs, light brown wavy hair, and blue eyes. He is broader in the shoulders than most men, giving him an attractive detail that she had always admired. He is not what society would consider ideal body weight or attractive to many. But for Grace, his loyalty and love made him the most attractive man she had ever laid eyes on. He was beautiful to her in every way a person can present beauty. In fact, she was more attracted to him now than when he was younger. She had fallen in love with him over and over again throughout their life together, and she knew he had felt the same about her. After three children, she was not as thin or beautiful as she once had been; but he looked at her as though there was not another woman on Earth that could surpass her beauty. She knew she was blessed to have him, he may believe he is the lucky one, but her secrets would tell a different story.
Her gaze turned from him, as she put her head down in shame, thinking of her dreams again. She loved him more than she has ever loved another person, and she believed in the sanctity of the truth. Though she wanted to tell him what was going on, she wasn’t sure how to have that conversation. For it was not just a bad dream or fictional nightmare that made her rest so frightfully. A person’s past is a very complicated thing; for Grace especially complicated. She wanted to be honest and tell Emmet everything, except after all this time she told herself over and over again that it was not imperative for him to know the truth behind her nightmares. Over the years this was her ever constant battle, and she had gone over every detail of how the conversation could/should go if she were to reveal herself to him: to truly reveal herself. Silence always won in the end.
But lately her dreams were becoming more vivid and more constant; as if to warn her. As if the intensity and continuous reminder was preparing for her present and past to collide, giving her ample opportunity to make peace and preparation for what was inevitably going to happen. Each dream bringing back feelings buried long ago. Each night, the dreams getting longer and longer, demanding that she relives the terror of that time in her life. Though she may have escaped that night, she has never fully escaped; for one cannot escape dreams.
Over the years, Grace had tried many things to suppress her dreams, yet to her dismay, she had remained unsuccessful. Meditation, herbal teas, even medication when it got really bad for a brief period of time. Nothing saved her, nothing kept her from returning to those moments for very long. Band-aids, temporary relief from an unforgettable time in her life.
Finally, one day, she stopped fighting and came to realize that she could not control her dreams. She could only accept what was and tell herself that while it happened in the past, now it was just a dream. Her focus shifted to acceptance, and deception; working to shelter Emmet and her family as much as she could from her nightly terror.
To protect her family, she would often sleep as little as needed, or fall asleep somewhere else in the house, blaming it on reading a book or watching tv, yet knowing full well that it was in fact on purpose. Emmet never questioned her, and she never let it get to the point where he would suspect something was wrong. Throughout the years she had become a master of deception with her family.
However, despite her deception Emmet’s dedication to her had caused him to become more alarmed by the consistency and intensity of her dreams as of late. He knew she had nightmares, there’s not much you can keep secret when you live with someone for so many years. He knew that they consisted of horrible events, to which he believed them to be fiction. Some random brain waves colliding to cause such terror. He knew not what they truly were.
But now, with her dreams colliding with her reality on a regular basis, causing him distress, she wondered if she would finally concede and confess it all to her beloved husband. A single tear rolled down her face, as she thought about having that conversation, while shamefully looking at her husband peacefully rest, unaware of the lies told all these years.
She remembered the vow she gave herself once she was free; to not allow her past to interfere with her future in any way. She would not be the victim, she would not be pitied. No one in her future would ever know. She concluded in her mind long ago that while tragedy struck her, it was over and that was the last she was ever to think/speak/feel about it. With courage or maybe fear, she did the only thing her young mind could bear to do; she buried it. Dug a hole so deep into her soul creating a metaphorical black hole; sucking all feelings, fears, emotions, thoughts, concerns, and regrets into it, never to be unearthed again. She also knew that in order to completely bury the feelings, she had to bury everything that went along with them.
Even then, she knew that no person should ever have to live through what she had, and while she could not erase the existence of that evil, she did not want anyone knowing that such horror existed outside of Hollywood movies, especially those she cared most for. The protection she felt for others started at this time, though she often sensed that she must have always had it in order to do what she had to do. Before she erased it, she gave herself a brief moment to weep, a moment to remember, and then she let it all go.
Everything she loved, everything she knew. Her friends, family, house, toys, everything was gone. She took only the ring her mother gave her when she turned 10. The only thing she was allowed to keep. She was grateful for that, at least she would have something to remind herself of who she really was. She pondered on whether to leave that behind as well, but despite her best efforts, she just couldn’t part with it, she was only after all 16 years old. Deciding to leave it all behind, to let go and to forget was the hardest decision of her life, and the best way she knew to do that was to start with a blank slate. So, she created a new world; new identity, new memories, new everything, so that she could never be tied to her past.
She wonders now as she sits in the early morning light if her choices were the best? Perhaps she had made a mistake? Was everything she worked so hard for going to be taken away if the truth comes to light? After 20 years of living within her fictional self, what would become of her should the truth be set free?
During the waking hours she had been able to suppress any feelings of that time, anytime they would unwillingly attempt to surface; sometimes through smells, sometimes particular sounds, places, or things. In fact, during the daylight hours, after so many years of faking it, it was now as if they were fiction, not fact. She believed SO much in the life she created that she had on occasion questioned which life was in fact truth, and which was a lie? Perhaps each was a bit of both.
Her fight was to live her life as she created it, and not as it was created for her. The life she ‘created’ in her mind is the life she lived in the world. People often thought of her as strong, caring, and one of those ‘how do you do it mom’s.’ She was a friend to none, for she knew girlfriends, once a bond is built are hard to fool. She did not want to take any chances, so she dedicated her life to her family. Sure, she had women she would work out with, occasionally have lunch with, but their friendship was strictly calculated and planned; she left nothing open to chance. She would not let them pass her walls. It was difficult enough for her to lie to her husband if she grew close to anyone else, she knew juggling this life from her past would be nearly impossible. So, it was just them. She liked it that way, as she began to think more of what the truth would do?
She fears his reaction, but perhaps not in the way most would think. She, of course, understands the anger that will come from learning that she had hidden this deafening secret for all these years and that their marriage, their life was all based on a fictional story. All created to disguise her true identity, her true past. Her greatest fear, however, would be his reaction to the horrendous events that took place, the things she did not want to admit nor discuss. She feared the answers to these questions:
Would he still look at her and see beauty?
Would he still love her?
Would he only see the pain every time he looked at her?
Would he feel guilty?
Would he still see her as strong, or would he now see her as broken?
She closed her eyes, as she thought of those answers. Those answers she feared most, for it was not the anger she could not handle. Emmet learning the truth about her would surely create new feelings towards her, and she could not lose the Emmet she knew. She did not want him to look at her differently because of something that someone else did to her. If she lost his love, she lost everything. He made her feel invincible, and it was because that is how he saw her. If he no longer felt that way, she would no longer feel that way, and she feared that would kill her. It would kill the life she fought so hard to create, and she didn’t know if she could fight without him.
Though she fought hard to appear normal on the outside, her dreams had a way of bringing the horror back to life. Her dreams were cruel and unkind, showing everything in vivid detail as though she had traveled through time. She often attributed it to her consequence for lying to Emmet all these years. Her punishment came at night when all else was peaceful, she would feel pain. A constant reminder of the fight she was fighting, the battle won, but the war unfinished. Especially now since the dreams were getting more intense.
She pondered this for a moment, head bowed, almost crying at the thought of what could happen; when suddenly as quick as lighting, reality brought her back as she heard the laugh of a child over her monitor. The baby was awake, “thank goodness” she muttered. She wiped her eyes and gazed upon her husband sleeping one more time. Turning to the clock, it was now 5:45 am, a bit early for the baby to wake up, but she was grateful. She quickly got up and like the flip of a switch, she moved past her dreams and embraced her reality.
She had a knack for compartmentalizing better than most. The people in her life did not know of this talent; but she could let go of anything that was not relevant to the moment at hand. Given her situation and the choices she had made in her life, coupled with the tragedies she had faced, life really made her this way. Nonetheless, she truly was a force to be reckoned with. She just didn’t see it through her own eyes. Humble to a fault at times, but confident enough in herself to know that she was a fighter. It was a choice she had made to not boast, nothing that could draw unwanted or added attention to her. She got dressed and ready for the day to overtake her; ready to live the life she chose. For every morning when the dawn broke and the silence was replaced with sounds of children and a new day, her peace was found.
