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Great concept, just needs some polish!

"This story was interesting to dive into, and is focused more on plots and events and the characters' immediate reactions to them than on delving into characterization. It works very well for this story, and if military and action is your type of thing, you might be interested in giving this a shot! I was particularly interested in hearing what III had to say when he showed up on the screen; that guy seriously seems like a badass! My one big critique for the writer is punctuation for the dialogue. The dialogue itself, the actual words the characters are saying, are perfectly fine. But there are consistent mistakes with the punctuation concerning the dialogue. For example, at the beginning of Chapter 2: "Quite the opposite, sir" Lowell responded, "Both IV and V have been eliminated." should read: "Quite the opposite, sir," Lowell responded. "Both IV and V have been eliminated." If you are are writing that the character said something, no matter what the tag is (in this case it's "responded", but it could be "said", "whispered", etc.) then the dialogue phrase right before it should end with a comma, not an empty space or a period (unless of course they are shouting or exclaiming, then use question marks and exclamation marks!). It should only end with a period if the dialogue is interrupted with an action, for example: "Quite the opposite, sir." Lowell turned to look him straight in the eye. "Both IV and V have been eliminated." If this is ever confusing, go grab your favorite novel off the shelf and flip to a scene where you know there's a lot of talking, and carefully read it over. Look for all the punctuation (the things we normally don't notice when we read) and really take note of how they do it. This is the kind of thing that you're not really supposed to notice while reading, but as writers we have to train ourselves to take note :) Finally, one other small suggestion. In the first chapter, right after the scene break, General Lowell talks to a young reserve. But the part where it tells us what the young reserve is doing is a bit of a mouthful to read, because we are also trying to keep in mind the question Lowell asked so that we can understand the upcoming answer. Try breaking it up a little bit, either with commas, or into two sentences, so the reader can better take it in. Here's a couple possibilities: "Have you been able to locate him yet?" asked General Lowell. He was talking to a young reserve, who was focusing on redistributing access points for multiple communication channels, hoping to locate a specific signal. or: "Have you been able to locate him yet?" General Lowell asked a young reserve. They were focusing on... ect. I bet there are even more ways to do this, but these are just my thoughts! Try experimenting and see if you can find a way that works best for your style and story. You've got really good concepts and a nice grasp of actual dialogue lines, and I would love to see you write more to this. This is the kind of concept that some people go crazy over so if you polish it a bit, I bet you'll gain more readers :) Good luck and happy writing!"

VI (Six)

"While reading this story, the plot really stood out for me. Your ideas are unique and captivating for a fresh look to the what-if future! Your cyborgs representing 1 , 11, etc, are intriguing, and the idea of a civilian to take down III pulls the story forward! However, there were quite a few grammar hiccups and not enough characterization for all the information given and pace the plot is speeding by at. The main issue for me was that you stated how the characters were, when actions speak louder than words. Yet, that's nothing a quick polishment and a few extra scenes can't solve. I voted for this story before I hit the third chapter and placed it on my TBR list as it progresses. Good luck in the contest and great job!"

VI(Six)

"You have a good beginning here of a story. The cyborg theme is always good for a good tale that is exciting and fast going. I've read all the chapters you have posted and I'm surely interested to read more about your story. Keep writing and let me know when you post another chapter. For now I'll give you my vote, and of course, a heart. I'm also on the list here on nanowrimo with 'The Woman in Red'. If you would return the favor I would be honored. Keep writing. Rudi J.P. Lejaeghere"

Wow . . . oh did I say that backwards?

"This story has an amazing amount of wonder and suspense. I was shocked almost, at how it hit me square in the face when I started to get into it. This is something I am going to put on my very picky reading list, something that I will retreat to when my head is full of the nothingness called writers block. Its full of life and potential, and I am hoping to see more of it in the future. (10 thumbs up) Good job Phoenix Andre Clouden, you are an amazing human being, keep up the good work!"

Great

"I love the idea, crazy super soldier gone rouge. come on is awesome. I do suck with grammar though, but from what i can tell everything seemed good. I am excited to see some more future tech that your gunna write about, i mean robot, bad ass."

Feels Like Watching a Prologue of a Video Game

"Wow, seriously, I think this would be great as a video game storyline. I don't mean bad. I mean, video games nowadays have great story and characters, and I can already imagine the setting and the talking commanders, and the video in the first chapter. I also like how you make me wondering about the "soldiers" with numbers there. By the way, I don't really check the punctuation or grammar, consider me as a casual reader here :) Regards, Kei Angelus"

A good opening

"The opening gave a good sense of what Lowell is all about. Depending on the length of the story, you may want to spread that information out more over time, but for now it seems fine to me. There were some grammar mistakes, but I'm sure with a few read through and edits you could find and fix all of them. One thing I would recommend to strength the first chapter. When you have III hack into the NOBLE computers it comes off as very abrupt. Instead, it might be more effective to have the computers act up. Maybe have a few of the screens start to go haywire, or a few of the techs start yelling that they have a breach in the system. Something to add a buildup and create some tension. You for sure have a good start and an interesting premise. You've got my vote and best of luck!"

I love this!

"This is a great beginning! You have me hooked, and I want to see what happens next. I like the idea of the super soldiers going after III and them needing to bring a civilian into the mix. I want to know how things turn out! I loved it from beginning to end. The part where III was talking to the General over the screen was very well done. The characterization in this story was also excellent. My main complaint in this story (besides the grammatical errors that are in all NaNoWriMo stories) is that sometimes you tell the reader the obvious far too much. For example, you said that the general was becoming infuriated at III's arrogance. Well, from the dialogue we could tell that III was arrogant, and we knew that the General wasn't happy, so that sentence just cluttered it up, if you know what I mean. There were several incidents of that. This is a really good start though. Please let me know when you post more, because I'm hooked now!"

Six

"Phoenix what can I say but well done. Even though short ( I do hope there is more) it was a very enjoyable read. It flowed and moved in the right directions, at least for me it did. The entire concept was both intriguing and at the same time mind twisting, you could visualise something actually taking place in the not too distant future. Congratulations on a job well done. Melanie."

Delete this chapter and start again

"Usually a manuscript can lose the first 3-5 chapters and start there. Besides the run-down list preaching to me about a subject, I don't like having a character immediately tell me how much he/she hates/loves the world for whatever reason. You have the story in your head so start the story when something important to the story happens. At the moment you need to edit the first chapter to bits and then include the relevant point into the next chapter. You speech needs work and you repeat many words. This may sound harsh but do it and you are on your way.."