Out of Wishes

Carter

I am opening the door in confusion, seeing that the time is close to one in the morning. Only two people would do that. Even not including my family in town, there would still be two, maybe three, people to bang on my door in the panic that they are in.

Suddenly more awake than moments ago, the worry crawling through my veins as I think about the last time my door was attacked as much as this. At the door, I unlocked and swung open the wood as I looked up to the man standing in front of me. Tear tracks on his face, I noticed in the dim lighting of the apartment hallway.

“Diego? What… what’s going on?” I questioned, still concerned as I invited the man inside. Stepping inside, I could see the man struggling to pull himself back to reality. “Hey, are you okay?” I worried looking at the man.

“I… I…” Diego stuttered.

“Hey, you don’t need to talk right now,” I calmly spoke, holding his arms as I gently got the man inside. Shutting the door behind him, I guided him to the couch in the big space of my apartment. “Do you… know where you are?”

“Your apartment,” Diego stated, “I… I was going to…” He began, the words still not together in a completely coherent sentence, I could still guess what this was about.

“You were going to relapse?” I guessed watching the man’s reaction.

I didn’t want to. I don’t even know why I had thought it would be fine… I just, I lost someone today. A jumper,” Diego explained, “all I could see was that it was you. I thought it was you. I thought I failed you again. I just--” Diego began, cutting himself off with body jerking sobs. “I couldn’t lose you, Ryan.”

With a shocked gasp, I felt my arms going numb as they dropped from my best friend’s body. Hearing the doubts, feeling my own chest feel suddenly cold as I noticed how much standing on that building affected Diego.

“I’m here,” I whispered, choking back my own tears, “I’m right here,” I repeated, “When I was in that building, I thought there was no other out. Kind of like when you were using. I know that right now, you want to forget, you don’t know how to cope, right?” I questioned.

“I… I guess?”

“Look, I’m here right now, okay?” I spoke, finding myself at a loss for words. “I’m still here because you helped me. You, Emery, Catarina, you all helped me. Right now, let me help you,” I spoke, close to begging.

With another sob, Diego pushed off the couch, moving into my arms, his own wrapped around my neck and my waist. A tight grip around me as I held on to my friend. “I’m right here, I’ll always be here for you,” I whispered into his ear. Rubbing circles in his back, hoping that through every cliche of comforting people this one works.

After an hour or so, the time of hugging Diego fading and blurring. I checked my phone for the time, squinting through the bright light from my phone, I saw the time was nearing two in the morning now. Specifically 1:53.

Letting Diego lose his grip around me, I held tight to his shoulders, looking to his eyes. Dark brown, a shade that I find comfort in like the brown of tree bark in the forest I’d go through with Emery years ago, like my dog’s fur when I was a kid and just like the guitar I know Diego owns and refuses to play for anyone. The color I’ve never associated with being comforting is the very definition known as I look into Diego’s eyes.

“I want to forget,” Diego whispered.

“Okay… tell me how I can help,” I offered.

“Help me forget, please. I don’t want to relapse, I just want to forget everything that happened tonight. Please help me forget,” Diego whispered.

Confused about where this conversation was going. I was close to getting up to turn on the TV before Diego pulled me closer to him. Even more lost about what was going on, I was hoping to look into Diego’s eyes to get an understanding of his thoughts. Before I could even try, I felt Diego rocking into me.

A shaky voice came to meet my ears as Diego talked again, “I just need to forget.”

“Diego, this isn’t a good idea,” I tried to say.

“Please, Ryan, please,” Diego begged, his eyes meeting mine. A sheet of lust covering the brown.

Really wishing I had more self control at the moment, I connected my lips with his own. Nudging his back to lean back on the couch, hovering over his own body.

Woken up the next morning with a start, I felt the bare chest under my hand, my head resting on his chest. Red flushing my face, I feared the outcome of this situation, knowing there is absolutely no other way out of this turn of events without facing the truth.

I just slept with the man I had been falling in love with. I couldn’t let him see that truth. All he needed was comfort, all he wanted to be someone to be with. I shouldn’t have done that. Grabbing my phone from the coffee table nearby, I pulled up the one contact I knew should be able to help me. At least I hope so.

Ringing once… twice… and a third… I was thinking Emery would be asleep still, but one more check at the time and I knew she should be up and either laying in bed on her phone or she would get ready for work.

“Yes, Carter? I was hoping I’d be able to lay in bed for a couple more hours before I had to do something productive,” Emery answered after picking up.

“I really fucked up, Em, like, really bad,” I stuttered, shaking as the full effect of what happened last night came back to me.

“Wait, Carter, what is going on?” Emery questioned. “Do I need to get Ally to come downstairs to check on you?” Emery questioned, her stern motherly voice coming through.

“I’m already going upstairs,” I managed to explain with my limbs shaking.

“I’m heading over now, Carter. Just please do nothing stupid.”

Standing outside of my cousin’s apartment, I raised my hand to knock, not finding the energy to actually bring my fist to the door.

Hard to believe, I thought bitterly; I left my friend, who I had just slept with, alone. The same friend who I’ve been crushing on for however long it had been. The same damn friend came by yesterday because he was about to relapse. And I left him alone.

“Carter?” Ally questioned in the doorway. Wondering about how she knew I was out here, thinking about why she opened the door. I figured Emery must have called her, but I couldn't think about how long I was outside of the door.

“Carter?” Ally repeated, “Emery told me you were coming up here. Do you want to come inside now?” Ally questioned, opening the door wider.

“I… I fucked up real bad,” I muttered letting the woman help me inside. “I really fucked up this time.”

“Hey, look at me,” Ally whispered, “Emery will be here soon. Till then, what happened? What do you think you messed up?”

“I don’t just think it, Al, I know it. I really fucked up this time. I shouldn’t have let myself do that. I should’ve told him no, I can’t lose him, Ally,” I began to tear up.

“You won’t,” she tried to convince me. Curling her body around mine, I felt my breathing even out, eyes dull and looking to the window. Rain, I think, seeing the drops fall on the glass, how ironic.

They held me for a while until in the back of my mind I heard the door open and close feet away from me. Emery is gazing into my eyes now, crouched in front of me.

“How… has he… there?” Emery spoke, only words making it to me.

“...happened? He… crying… I don’t understand…” Ally replied, her hand combing through my hair.

“Hey,” Emery whispered, her hand moving to my cheek, “can you stand up for me? We can head over to the couches and get off the floor,” Emery spoke slowly.

Part of my mind wanting to yell at her, telling her I don’t need to be spoken to like I’m this delicate piece of glass. The other half is thankful for her slowing down her words. Though as the words registered to me, I finally noticed I had collapsed on the hardwood floor in tears. Hesitantly nodding, I felt the arms on me holding me up and guiding me to the couch.

Bending down in front of me still, Emery looked into my eyes, a sad gaze casting on me. “Hey, bro,” she smiled, “you with me?”

Again, finding only the energy to nod my head, she smiled softly, looking at me with a sadness I never want to see again on her. Though after last year, I had gotten used to it.

“Can we talk about this later?” I mumbled, averting my eyes to the water on the window. Slowly falling and then being replaced by another drop of rain and another.

“Ally?” Emery called out, looking to our cousin.

“You hungry, Em? I can make some tacos later,” she smiled.

“Do you make proper food when you are alone?” Emery found herself questioning.

“Yeah,” Ally nodded, “I am an adult… don’t you?”

“I am surviving off of crackers and cheese, girl,” Emery shrugged, before looking back at me. “You take a nap. When you wake up, we can eat and you will be explaining what happened,” Emery instructed.

Soon enough the rain in my vision spotted out. And black consumed my vision, the void filling my head, and everything went silent.

When I next wake up, my back is sore, my eyes hurt, my chest feels restricted and my nose is congested. Looking around the room, I found Em and Ally standing in the kitchen, talking low about something. Seeing as how I am cut out of this conversation, I find myself thinking — knowing — that I am the topic of that conversation.

Staying low, I looked around the apartment to see that my phone was nowhere in sight. Thought back to this morning, about how I got to Ally’s, I already knew something was nudging my brain with the facts. The facts I’d do anything to make false.

I slept with Diego though; I know that. I ran out of my apartment because I woke up beside him. Why didn’t he leave last night?

Thoughts messing up my thinking process, the only thought I knew was screaming through the millions of voices whispering was that: I can’t screw up anymore. I can’t let Diego know I have feelings for him, more than just being best friends.

“Carter?” Emery called from the kitchen area, the smell wafting over to the couch as she walked over.

“Did you make food, Ally?” I asked, hoping to keep the conversation off of me for as long as I can.

Nodding her head, “Yeah, I did. Tacos,” Ally grinned.

“Your tacos are always the best,” I grinned back happily. Passing Emery, I head to the kitchen to see the meat in a pot and some hard taco shells beside it. A serving placed on my plate, a shell with some meat, cheese, sour cream, and some salsa, I made my way back over to the girls. Both are watching every movement I make. “I know you have questions,” I whispered, both still hearing me, either because my whisper wasn’t really a whisper or because they are straining their ears to hear anything I say. “But just let me eat first,” I conceded.

“You will tell us, right?” Emery pushed.

“Yes, I will. If you let me eat this first,” I pointed to my plate with a forced smile.

After I finally finished, both women watched as I took the last bite. I knew what my fate would be.

“What happened?” Emery finally asked, practically vibrating in her seat.

Getting up out of the chair, I placed the plate in the sink before leaning on the counter in the kitchen. “I fucked up,” I answered sadly, “I slept with Diego.”

“What?” Ally exclaimed, “Why is that-” She began only to get elbowed by Emery. Sending a curious look over to the duo, I shook my head to look back to the floor.

“Diego was going to relapse,” I admitted, “he wasn’t in the right mind. I wasn’t either. Before he came over it was getting bad for me. We just… we needed to be grounded, I guess. But it’s all screwed up now!” I shouted angrily. Angry at myself, angry at our destructive habits, our wiring in our brains, angry at the goddamn world.

“So you slept with Diego…” Emery trailed off, “But you didn’t want to? Did he force you to?” She questioned suddenly as rage was burning in her.

“No!” I denied, “No… that’s the problem. I definitely wanted to..."

“What?” Ally asked.

“I wanted to, that’s the problem. I’ve been crushing on my best friend for the past three years and now that this has happened? I don’t know what to do. How do I just ignore these stupid feelings I have towards him when I know he doesn’t feel the same?” I exploded, tears I hadn’t noticed running down my face making my vision blur, making my eyes sting feeling drier than ever.

“I know Diego,” Emery spoke up, “known him since you have. If there is one thing I know for certain, it’s that Diego won’t let go of this friendship you have together. If you fight for it, I know he will too. That’s why he went over to your apartment, you know, not Catarina’s or Camilla’s, it’s because you are his best friend.”

“Yeah, but I want to be more and he doesn’t.”

When I finally get back to my apartment, Diego is gone. A note was left on my bedside table, lacking the energy for the pain of reading the note. I collapsed on my bed. My head was looking outside the window. The Rain had stopped, and for once, the stars seemed to illuminate the night. Just before sleep, I find a star shooting across the sky, either a star or an airplane, I still closed my eyes.

I wish that we were more; I thought helplessly.

Maybe an airplane can be my star for tonight.

Ally

An airplane, I can only hope

Is the equivalent to a star

For living is learning to cope

Or I do not know if I’ll go that far.

A shooting star or an airplane

I can wish and hope and believe

But sometimes, it’s a too big stain

And the wish will not be enough for the pain to leave

So maybe tonight an airplane can fly

Be the star I’m looking for

And it can shoot across the sky

I’m searching for a star because I know this relationship is something more

***

I have not known Diego for as long as Carter, not even Emery. But there was something I knew. Those two idiots were meant for each other. I’ve seen them interact. When Carter and Emery had first introduced me to Diego, there was the obvious chemistry. How Carter had looked at Diego as if he was the only one in the world — the universe. Diego returned those gazes, and when Carter first saw him after he OD’d, I remember seeing those tears. The tear tracks that covered his face.

I remember watching in agony as Carter cried and cried and cried. Just one thing that added to his own problems. One thing of many that pushed him over the edge...