battlefield in my head

Battlefield in my head

My mother always doubted me as a kid, the words you will never make it played like a broken record and echoed off every wall of the house.

There was no escape, she would never understand the frustration of being ADHD and on top of that having depression, life was a constant battle, you have all your armor but you don’t know how to use it, or entering the battlefield and feeling not worthy so you forget how to load your gun. And without a loaded gun, you are helpless, exposed, and powerless. I needed that gun.

My mother was always blind but could see. Blind that her daughter, that I couldn’t help what I was feeling, the lust for success was so strong and powerful that it overruled the fact that ADHD was a life ruler, till my mother reminded me that I wasn’t capable of such achievements of success. I was a stupid kid in her eyes, one that sought attention to get out of school but little did she know the passion lurking in her heart for success and achievements.

I just wanted someone to understand me, to understand how I write but can't learn, how I read but can't understand, how I can sit in front of a textbook for 4 hours and not process a thing because my head is roaring louder than a male lion looking for his lioness.

I was hungry to learn, I wish the motor in my mouth was in my brain that I could pick my gun up and shoot my target.

But my gun wouldn’t budge, I spent hours and hours learning how to work it but when it buckled down the task of actually doing it, it felt as if I learned nothing, the sweat of frustration ran down my pale face, disappointed of-course and the only thing running through my foggy head was my mother telling me I can’t do it, and that was enough for me to throw my gun down and walk away, I decided to walk away from the negativity and the tasks I couldn’t do, maybe a gun wasn’t meant for me on the battlefield, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop looking for my shield and my refuge, maybe a knife was my way of surviving on the battlefield.