Float

30th August 2008

Jasmin has always been the skinny stick girl in her childhood. Her delicate face making her a target of being bossed around by her peers and her elder sisters. They made it sure to tell that every day,

“Sukudey Bombil! (Shriveled fish) Where the fuck are you? Mom’s calling! We’re going to the pool today, remember?” Leila shrieked. Jazz sighed, picking up her bag filled with floaters and swimsuit. Today was going to the first time she was going to swim. She didn’t want to admit it to anyone, especially her sisters, but she was literally skipping on her toes with excitement.

She would stare for hours looking at her schoolmates swim in the School swimming pool. Envying the way their bodies moved- just like mermaids- her 11-year-old self watching them in amazement.

Cheshire cat. That’s what her sister Leila pointed at the whole ride. She was smiling wide with excitement. “Geez! Calm it, little sis! We’re almost there.“Leila said, turning back from her shotgun seat. She always hated whenever Leila would get the shotgun seat, but her sister was too fast and too strong for her, she would swat her off like a mosquito. One day, she promised herself.

~

They showered and changed into their swimsuits. Hers was a dark blue monokini with yellow-coloured floaters with flowers on her both arms. Their mother had forced her to wear a grey sticky cap; We don’t want to hurt our scalp while we swim do we? She had asked before dropping us. Jasmin had rolled her eyes, begging her to make it quick so she could go to the pool finally.

The smell of the public pool had this weird chlorine scent mixed with sweat, and something else. The area wasn’t as crowded as her mother had pictured. Leila was busy chatting up with the lifeguard who seemed indifferent to her talks. Well, that makes two of us.

Gingerly walking to the skimmer of the pool, she dipped her toes, leaning away from the pool. The water was cold at the touch, she frowned. It was only when she was about to turn to go to the shallow end of the pool, a sturdy, tallboy blocked her way.

“Well if it isn’t Jasmin Fernandes here or what?” he smirked. Jazz froze. “Didn’t I tell you to stay away from my sight? It looks like you need to be taught a lesson.”

Before she would say or do anything, Lance pushed her into the pool. She felt her heart drop. It was as if time had slowed down; she screamed, making contact with the hard water. No! she screamed only to let the water fill her pipe. Fear coursed through her veins, fearing the darkness at the pit of the pool. Water bubbles started forming from her nose as her lungs struggled to hold on to air.

Her eyes burned at the chlorine’s contact, trying to force it open. She could only see the blurry, dim light. Her arms struggled to flail to push herself up, legs trying to push away from the water. She tried coming up, finally gasping air shakily as much as she could- Help! - only to get pushed down again by Lance.

Adrenaline pumped through her, lungs burning as she struggled the battle of pushing away the water. Air! I need air; she thought desperately as she fought to survive. The temperature of water suddenly started becoming a little warm; it wasn’t cold anymore. She started sinking, water filling inside, closing her eyes, feeling helpless. Feeling hopeless, feeling alone.

No! Don’t give up, Jazz!

Forcing her eyes open, she flailed her arms, water bubbles formed as she tried to hold on to her breath. I can do this! she willed herself. The darkness seemed to consume her by the passing minute. The water surface of the pool for some reason started to become farther and farther from herself—tears flowing from her merging with the water around.

Her lungs burned, and the nth time she wished she knew how to swim. I don’t want to die; she cried silently. She didn’t know how long she was in the water, as it started feeling heavy on her, almost like a heavy quilted mat had been placed on her. I wish I were strong like Leila; she thought helplessly as her struggles became weaker. Her legs and arms felt tired against the medium she fought.

I don’t want to die.

Her head felt heavy, feeling suffocated every second passing. Darkness. That was all she could see; that was all she could feel. Her mind had slowly started to drift away; she was sinking. Her arms and legs feeling limbo; she let out a last bubble of air.

~~~

She felt strong pulsating pressure against her chest, coughing she began vomiting water and her breakfast. “Oh thank god!” a familiar voice cried. The light was blinding her, as she tried opening to see what was happening. She breathed out raspily, her chest hurting.

Someone had gone and put a blanket around her. Her sister had tears flowing as she rubbed her feet for warmth, ” Don’t ever do that to be okay?” she cried. The pool authorities had cornered Lance, yelling that he could have killed someone due to his reckless behaviour. Lance rubbed his forehead murmuring he didn’t know she couldn’t swim.

Leila glared at the careless boy icily, silently promising she would give him a piece of her mind. “What happened, didi?”

Leila’s eyes softened at her with tears glistening, ” I-I couldn’t find you anywhere, I felt like something was wrong, like something bad had happened, Joan “- she pointed at the lifeguard -” here, found Lance panicking and he got you out, thank god! Within time! he’s the one who gave you CPR. ”

Tears flowed from her eyes, “I didn’t think I could see land again” she cried only to gasp for air again. Her nose was flowing, and nausea sat in her stomach, threatening to come up. “I want to go home di” she cried. Leila hugged her dear sister as she cried.

She might not be the nicest person to anyone, not even to her sister, but god damn, she loved her. She was her baby sister. And she wasn’t there to protect her when she needed her. She was right there! Guilt spread within her. She’s alive, she assured herself. That’s all that matters.

~~~~~~

Ever since Jazz came home, she locked herself in her room, not wanting to be around anybody. She didn’t switch the lights off in fear of the darkness. When she did close her eyes, she was reminded of her struggles in the water.

It tore her soul to come near any bathtub or even drinking water. Her parents were somehow able to take her out from her room, but she even then she refused to touch the water, drinking it made her want to hurl. It made her heart drop; a familiar sinking feel would consume her, haunting her dreams and her messed-up reality.

She had cried helplessly when her mother dragged her out to take finally make her take a bath. Her mother sponge bathed her while she cried due to fear, due to her utter refusal to come near the shower or tub.

She started sleeping next to her sister from that day onwards. She never thought her sister would be nice to her, good even, but ever since that day, she had been overly protective of her. Maybe some things did become good due to that day; she had thought as she laid next to her sister’s warm body closing her eyes, reluctantly letting in her nightmares which consumed her in the darkness of slumber.