Setting Sail

John Vijay Gupta, like his dad, had spent his whole life in England. His mom, on the other hand had had the opportunity to live in India. She had come as a young woman in the 70s to study her last years of high school. His grandma, who had been his weakness, was a true Indian by heart. She might have been far from home, but her Indian customs were evident in her actions every day. She had taught him everything he knew about his roots and ancestry. His mom had westernized quite quickly when she came to England. John knew she had had to if she wanted to fit in, it had happened to him too. He felt like he had to give up the richness of his Indian roots to be able to have a group of friends, most of all, to be with Lily. She was a true Brit, full ancestry up in Manchester where she use to spend her winters at her family’s estate. She had never traveled outside of England and didn’t see the need to.

He knew she wasn’t really open to trying new things, which is why he never invited her over to curry Sunday. Curry Sunday had been around since he could remember, all his parents’ Indian friends would come over and have typical Indian food. Those evenings it was like being in India where family, as his grandmother said, was the center of everything and met regularly. He knew Lily would be uncomfortable in that situation. She thought fish and chips were a great dinner for Sundays and would not have been pleased if he invited her over. That was how, in the three years they had been dating, Sundays became her “me time” day. They had been dating since their sophomore year in college and shared almost everything but his Indian heritage. They had the same group of friends, same hangout places, and same major. John’s cultural customs were more of a taboo topic in their relationship. She wanted to believe he had no ties back to India therefore, he kept his cultural pride at home.

His grandma was his main source of knowledge. He had made it routine for Sundays to be completely Indian. He didn’t have to worry about Lily, who was out and about playing tennis with her mom all morning and doing girl stuff in the evenings. So it was his “me time” as well. His routine had been the same since he was a little boy. He would wake up fairly late and tidy up his room and after lunch he would sit with his grandmother. They would talk for hours, she would reminiscence about her childhood and he would indulge. He would feel like he was a child right beside her. Her story telling was marvelous, she would clearly describe every single aspect of the day, the climate, the colors, the smells; it was like teleportation, a time machine.

Her stories were mainly about her childhood in Varanasi. She would always include religious teachings in them. She had, in fact, grown up in the holy city, the city where the Ganges is located. All he knew about the Hindu religion came from these stories. The holiness of the water, the rituals, the basic pillars of the religion. With these stories John felt closer to his native land, to the land that gave his mother that beautiful accent and her grandmother those picturesque memories. There were, however, things John couldn’t quite understand. He would fight with his grandma over not eating meat. He wanted her to understand she was missing out on burgers. If he were to not eat burgers, he would die.

He loved learning about the religion, but knew he could never follow it. His high regard for his grandma, who he called “awa,” the only actual Telugu word he knew, had built up through these conversations. Her way of viewing the world, of staying strong in her beliefs, of being a woman of her word, were imprinted in John’s heart.

John would say that his awa had more to do with his upbringing than most of his family members. His dad had been a really hard working dad, whom he would see mostly only on weekends. He had one aunt that lived nearby, who was always around the house, “typical Indian” people would say. “They all live together, always a full house.” He really liked having his cousins around but most of all his awa.

As time passed his grandma started getting old and the stories started shortening. His knowledge source shifted to textbooks in college. At the beginning of senior year, his worst nightmare came true. Awa passed in her sleep and with her, the picturesque memories of her childhood, her crafty storytelling and her warmth. By the end of senior year John knew what he was going to do to venerate her. Before he started to work he would go to Varanasi and see all the sites his grandma talked about. Visit the holy river at dawn and dusk, see the rituals, live the culture.

The festivities had come and gone. He was officially done with his undergraduate career. In a couple of days he was due at the airport for his sixteen hour flight, though he hadn’t even thought about it since there was another pressing matter. He was on his way to Lily’s for their usual Wednesday date. It was the last Wednesday date before he left for India. He had printed the tickets earlier that day, not only his but hers. He had bought her a ticket without even asking her if she would like to come. He was going to ask her now. Sweaty palms, heart beating fast, John parked in front of Lily’s house and waited for her to come out. He could feel sweat running down his temples. He knew she was going to notice quickly that something was off.

Lily, on her end, was preoccupied. She felt John was being rash about going to India. There was nothing to search for there. He was British, they were British. She would ask herself if whatever he was going to find there was going to make her lose him. She had never felt comfortable with his multicultural heritage. She didn’t feel she belonged when he was proudly showing his culture. He was just such a different person around his family than with his mates.

8:30pm; as usual Lily was ready and waiting by the window when John pulled up. Right on time like always. She yelled her goodbyes and was off. Three years of the same thing, Wednesdays are date night and her parents know it. She quickly got into the car as her heart jumped with anticipation about what would happen between this date and the next. They look at each other, clearly nervous but not in the best way. Silence. He turned on the car and off they went to that special place where they usually talked about life and the future. She knew he would take her there, this time there was a lot to talk about. They both decided to stay silent as to not be the first to explain the nervousness.

Finally, after what felt like a lifetime they approached the entrance to the park where they usually sat to see the moon reflected on the lake. They walked, hands locked but not speaking. She noticed the sweaty palms and he noticed her flustered look. He couldn’t deal with this anymore he blurted out “I can’t come without you, I have your ticket here. Let’s go together! Do this for me, for us, for awa.” She was wordless, not because her thoughts were racing, but because her head went blank. He noticed what he had done. She didn’t even like Curry Sundays, why would she ever come to Varanasi with him. He hugged her and said, “You don’t have to decide now. We have a couple of days until the flight. Take your time, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to. It’s my trip and my ties, but I would love to share it with you.”

He knew the night was doomed, they weren’t going to be able to talk about anything else and he knew it wasn’t fair for her to talk about the trip just yet, he had sprung the news on her and she needed time to internalize it. They walked back to the car and drove the same way they had come less than five minutes ago. As she stumbled to her front door she couldn’t make sense of where she was. She went into her house and collapsed right as she went into her room. From her bed, everything seemed to be spinning. She couldn’t make sense of anything. Why would he ever do that? She was Lily Roberts not Gupta, not Sighn, not Bendi, she was not interested in going with him.

She fell asleep as her head spun with crazy scenarios:

-She would not go and lose John forever.

-He would go alone and forget about England, marry an Indian girl and live there.

-He would become a Hindu connoisseur, follow the Vedas strictly and get rid of all the worldly aspects of his life.

What if she where to go?

-They would get there and she would see him become a new person.

-She would lose herself in the trip.

-What if he loved it so much he wanted her to stay there forever? She wasn’t ready to make this decision.

She was awaken by the smell of breakfast. Ever since Lily was a little girl, her mum would bring her breakfast to bed. Breakfast time was the time they would catch up, talk about life. Lily dreaded finishing college and moving out mainly because she would miss this half an hour so badly. A knock on the door, Lily scuffled with her sheets and covered up before her mum came in. Shortly after her mum sat by her feet as she usually did, she noticed Lily was wearing the same satin blue dress as she had the night before. She had heard her come in earlier than usual, but didn’t want to intrude. Now she was getting worried though-- had something gone wrong? “Lily darling” she started “Is everything ok? Tell me about your night with John?” Lily stuffed some of the baked beans in her mouth to have some time to think.

“Mum,” she stopped again trying to make sense of her words, “he wants me to go with him.” She said exasperatedly, “would I even survive mum? I know London, I know Manchester, I only know this, but India!? I don’t think I can handle it.” Her cheeks where flushed and her breath quick. Her mom quickly noticed that she was having a panic attack. She hadn’t had one in years.

“Lily sweetie, I need you to calm down and tell me what’s happening. Take three deep breaths and start. Make me understand what’s causing you so much anxiety.”

It took Lily a couple of tires before she could get through the first couple of lines without falling into distress. In one long sentence and without taking many breaths, Lily tried to make her point “Mum, it’s India, it’s far away and scary… people are different, more friendly, more involved… it’s his personal travels, he is trying to reconnect with his grandmother, I’ve never been involved when it’s about his family… what am I going to do Mum… I’ve read it’s dirty and poverty-stricken, loud and infested with maladies… I can’t I just can’t… but then again if I don’t will I lose him… I’ll lose him mum, I can’t lose him.”

“Let’s think through all those reasons. Are any of those valid? It is a big decision for you and I’m here to help you.”

Abigail had dealt with these outbursts before, Lily’s first theater audition, championship volleyball game, and her first sleep away camp. She thought Lily had outgrown these anxiety attacks; she had seen her restless but not totally undone like she was today. She took the tray from Lily’s lap, placed it on the ebony desk that had belonged to her grandmother and grabbed a fluffy notepad that she knew, even if Lily denied it, was sort of Lily’s journal.

In the adjacent neighborhood, John was still with his head pushed into the pillow. He had messed everything up. He should’ve just gone alone, their relationship was strained as it was, he didn’t have to add more stress to the mix. He could hear his aunt already in the kitchen helping his mom prep the vegetables for lunch. They were talking about something he couldn’t quite understand. Soon enough he heard a knock on the door. “John, can I come in? Is everything ok?” Without lifting his head from the pillow he gave her permission to come in. “It is so unlike you to be still in bed at this hour.” Since he wasn’t moving she got really concerned, “John Vijay Gupta, stand up right now and get yourself together. What’s wrong with you?”

He stood up but didn’t face her, he was ashamed of being so sad because of a girl. “Mom, you remember the money you loaned me a couple of weeks ago. I needed it because my savings weren’t enough for two tickets to India. I bought her one. Mom, I invited Lily with me, and she freaked out.”

She thought for a moment making sure she was giving her son the best advice: “John, you have always been a traveler. Remember when you were 12 and you said you wanted to go to Spain to watch a soccer match. You told us you could go alone, you had found a place near the stadium, you had found a flight there, you had done everything. Obviously, we didn’t let you go alone, but you had the initiative. It happened again when you were 15 and wanted to go to New York for a summer camp. Morocco between school and college and now you are learning more about your heritage, you are traveling to my dear India. It’s in your DNA, you’re an explorer, always hungry for more. If that girl is not willing to expand her horizons maybe she is not the right girl for you.” His mother always gave sound advice. But his heart felt heavy, it was true maybe Lily wasn’t as adventurous as him, but he loved her.

Abigail and Lily had gone over every fragment she had blurted out in her rant. Not scary but new, not full of maladies but developing, not different but interesting and intriguing, if she didn’t go with him she wasn’t going to lose him, but she would be letting him go. Abigail tried to talk some sense to her daughter, “there are other man out there, and you are both still young. You like him, you’ve learned to love him, but maybe he is not the right one for you.”

The days following went by slowly. They talked but tried to evade that specific topic. He didn’t want to ask her about it, he didn’t want to cause her to panic. She didn’t want to have to decide just yet. They would speak about job searches, their friends, anything but their thoughts and feelings regarding the trip. She packed without knowing even herself if she was going to be boarding the plane.

Sunday came around and John said his goodbyes. He headed towards the airport an hour earlier than needed because he had coordinated with Lily to meet and talk there. Again with sweaty palms and drops forming on his forehead, John was prepared for the worst. Even if Lily didn’t come he was going to make the best out of this trip. He was going to relive those summer days when tourists came and his grandma was out of school. He was going to see them board the canoes that would transport them into the magical body of holiness, and he would also get to live the rituals himself. He was excited and nervous but felt at peace with himself. This trip was about much more than his life at the current moment, much more than Lily and his feelings for her. He stopped perspiring and his hands stopped being clammy.

When he got to the airport Lily was sitting right where they had decided to meet, the table next to the cashier of the coffee place where the ticketing booth was. Her long hair seemed to shine reflecting the sunlight coming in from the street right behind her. She also had an aura of peace, of having reached an ultimatum for herself.

“Hi John” she said as he approached. They hugged and kissed as if it was the last time they would ever be able to do it. “I have something to tell you, please sit down.”

John sat eager to know what she was going to say and hoping they had reached the same conclusion.

“I’ll go with you.” She said without further a due. “I’ve decided it is time to expand my horizons and I know you will take great care of me wherever we go.”

John’s eyes showed clear bewilderment. Did he hear right? She was here ready to set sail with him, to explore the world. He had really been hoping she would say no because he had come to a decision also.

“Lily, please don’t say anything more.” He lowered his voice in an attempt to hurt her less with his words. “Lily I can’t be with you. I’ve decided I want to do this trip alone. I need a girl that is willing to leap when a new opportunity arises. A girl that says yes in a matter of seconds after I propose a crazy adventure. Maybe next time I want to discover the beauty of Latin America, the beaches and Carnaval at Rio and then what, you would feel like you are going as a favor to me, not because you are really passionate about learning and traveling the world. I cannot do this to you. I’m an adventurer, you a British soul. I’m sorry but I have to leave.”

With tears in her eyes Lily saw him as he check his bags and disappear through security. If she would’ve been anything like him she would’ve followed him in and told him she was all in. But she was not, and he had freed her from a life that wasn’t her own. He had set her free to search for someone that was more in tune with her likings and life expectations.

Lily couldn’t shake the feeling that she had been cheated. Her whole world had been turned with that invitation and then John had pulled the rug from under her feet, making her fall again. John had played with much more than her feelings, he had torn her self-confidence. Lily left from the airport feeling like everything that was happening was her fault. She left the last strands of her self-esteem in that terminal. Lily went home torn, not knowing if she was ever going to be happy again.

John had also freed himself. He was going to India and there he might even find the part of him that left when his awa died. Excited for what was to come and relieved, feeling his wings unpinned, John sat and waited for his plane to board. Right before the final boarding call, John realized what he had done. He had hurt Lily in ways he didn’t even think possible. Awa would have been so disappointed in him, he thought. He reminisced on the times she taught him about love and how fondly she had talked about Lily. His heart felt heavy, but he had a vision and he was not ready to give up. He was going to India and going alone, when he came back he would try to make things better with Lily, he would apologize. At least that was what he told himself as he boarded, leaving Lily behind forever or so he thought.