Closet

CLOSET

Please, turn off the lights, close the door. In the dark, I am home. I am safe, I am alone. No judgments, no rage, no betrayal. Leave me alone, please. Give me time to heal. I wish I didn’t need armor, boundaries, buffers and insulation. If only I could instead find love, intimacy, trust and welcome. Again and again I give my love, with the hope to have it given back to me, a boomerang tossed. Again and again I am rejected and abandoned. This must mean I am repellent, hideous. So I thought, for so long. Often I retreated. If you look at me, I’ll look at you, and you’ll see what a beast I am. In my closet you can’t see me, I can’t see you. If you don’t see me, you won’t hurt me. If I’m quiet, you’ll never know I’m here, and you won’t hate me. I’m safe. I don’t want to hide or be afraid of you. I’ll love you if you’ll let me. I’m strong, I’ll protect you. I’m smart, I’ll help you. I’m kind, I’ll comfort you. This tiger’s fur is warm and soft. You can lay beside me, safe and warm. All too often, you reject me. You fear me, you hate me, you stop loving me and abandon me. If I hide in my closet and never love you, you can never forsake me. I’m tired of living in my dark closet. Won’t you let me join you, there in the light? I know about boundaries, now. I promise not to love you. Can I protect you? Can I help you? Can I comfort you? I won’t get too close. I know, intimacy makes you afraid. I won’t growl too loud, I know, your weakness makes you hateful. I won’t be too kind, I know, loving you makes you leave me. See? I know the rules, now. If I leave my closet, can I come with you? Do you know how much you scare me, little rabbit? You can hurt me in ways you’ll never imagine, it’s true. I promise not to hurt you, can you promise, also, not to hurt me?