(a writing for my ex)
So what was it I did that was so wrong huh? I mean I wasn't the perfect husband I admit it. But I always put you and the kids first, that's gotta count for something don't it. Worked my fingers to the Bone, gave up my dreams to satisfy you. Then you wonder why I'm depressed, you caused this you know its true. Then you realized you could use my depression like tool, make me think it was all my fault when it was on you. Constantly accuse me even though you always know where I am. 13 years of defending myself, shoulda realized you were just Projecting. I guess I did I just didn't wanna accept it. Then when I was at my lowest, I'm guessing that's where your lie got its insidious inception. For what, just so you don't have to share them? Or maybe at this point you actually believe your own lies. I wonder if you'd feel different if you seen my pain or listened to my sighs. Do you know what it's like going for months without seeing the sun? Or to be confined alone in a small room until the days blend together hun? To have everyone look at you like you're a leper. Gotta scream into a pillow to relieve my temper. How bout having people asking you questions they ain't got no business knowing. But you got no choice but to answer them and I feel my temper growing. Have to talk to stranger while they take notes, asking me how I feel. But the funny part is they don't really wanna know. They say they wanna hear the real version of life. But they get all sensitive when I say something just a little bit raw. I jot my thoughts and they call it negative. They try to convince me that I'm a monster that needs saving. Keep saying I didn't do it, but the truth doesn't matter, they want me to admit to something I didn't do it's crazy ain't it. I like my privacy, but lately I feel it's invaded. Have to give an account for every action and thought, that's right I forgot they're perfect ain't they. Do you know what it's like to never see the people you love the most. Everything reminds me of them, but you know what hurts the most. I remember vividly the moment I knew it was over, but I kept trying for another year, shoulda had someone slap me and tell me you don't owe her. Wish someone would've told me if you want love you gonna have to go through the pain. If you want love you gonna have to learn how to change. And if you want trust you gonna have to give some away. Well I guess I knew the last one cause I chose to trust you against my better judgment. And now thanks to you I got a hard time trusting anyone. I bore to you the darkest corners of my soul. I would've given you anything you wanted. Thought you knew that by all the money, and gifts. I cooked you dinner every night and cleaned up afterward. Who was it who carried you when you couldn't walk? Or held you up and helped you bath? That's right it was me wasn't it. Who cleaned your house hun while also working a job. Who laid with the kids until they fell asleep, and massaged your back while my aches just weep. I gave everything to you, even stopped relationships. My world revolved around you, until you turned off the gravity. Now my world flys around aimlessly with nothing to latch onto. God's been real quiet, and people well got trouble letting them in thanks to you. Thank God I had writing to fall back on, but we both know I ain't good enough to make it. You always said my writing sucked, now I guess the world can see it. I don't care anymore if I make it or not, it's not about money or fame. But if by some miracle it does get me that, I'll have sly little smile on my face knowing you missed it.
