Love's Little Irony

Michelle was not happy. Rachel had left the club already. A man had been buying her drinks all night and then the two of them had disappeared. She sat awkwardly in the corner, fending off passing men with a stare of pure ice. It was more a defensive action than an act of aggression. The fact was she was she felt uncomfortable around men. She thought about going home, but the thought of hearing her flat mate pleasured through the paper-thin walls was no incentive. She sat and sipped her drink, wondering what to do, she certainly didn’t want to stay, but she did not want to waste the evening. Her thoughts were hampered by the thudding music and the flashing lights that surrounded her. She was completely out of her element. As she thought through her predicament she was approached by a girl, she was dark haired, slim and quite pretty. She wore thick eyeliner, a dress that barely covered her bum and walked with a sultry yet sophisticated sort of sway.

“Sorry, but I noticed you sat alone and, well, I’ve kind of been ditched. I hate being out alone, it’s no fun. Do you mind if I join you ?” Michelle was not going anywhere fast, besides maybe she could use some new, fresh company. Her flat mate had clearly already found hers.

“Yeah why not” Michelle mumbled. The girl graciously sat down, swinging one leg over the other. She sat there resting one hand on her knee whilst nursing her drink in the other.

“Have you seen any decent men in here?” She said, her gaze remaining on the dance floor as she spoke.

“All the good looking ones are arrogant or gay. I don’t even know why I bother anymore.”

“I know what you mean. Sometimes I wonder if it might be better to be gay.” Michelle turned to look at the new comer, masking the shock of her bluntness. Panic gripped her as a thought pushed its way to the front of her mind. Could this woman be gay, was she coming on to her? The idea made her feel even less comfortable, not that it would not be flattering, but it would certainly be awkward. Her eyes scanned the woman’s attire for clues as to her orientation and noticed the dress was backless. Suddenly she felt self-conscious. Looking down at her own dress, the white cloth cut low enough to show minimal cleavage, running down to just above her knees. Sure, it clung tightly to her figure, but it didn’t really show much. She wasn’t exactly displaying the goods. She looked again at the new comer. The black dress she wore clung to her body, showing of the shape of her almost perfect body, the thin straps tapering down from her neck becoming thicker and they almost appeared to support her breasts the slit running almost down to her belly button. Michelle noticed that she could not be wearing a bra, it would show. She felt inadequate.

“I doubt you ever have any trouble.” It was meant to be a private thought but somehow it had slipped out. Michelle began to blush. This is why she hated being in clubs alone.

“Well I can’t see why you have any trouble either, you have a perfect body, perfect breasts. They are real aren’t they?” Michelle did not know what to say. She was not used to speaking so openly.

“Yes.” The word trickled out of her mouth.

“Well then what’s the problem?” The girl was now looking at her, she fumbled for the words.

“Err…I… well I… can’t be…sexy I suppose.” It sounded wrong but she could not find the right words. Once she had felt attractive and men had wanted her, but that was so long ago.

“Do you mean can’t or won’t. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you come back to mine and I’ll see what we can do? We can be back before ten.” This situation was alien to Michelle, people did not just make friends with her, but then she had been out of the game for so long, was this normal now? Did this woman want more than just a friend?

“Erm, well my flat mate is expecting me back.” As soon as the lie left her mouth she had a vision of opening her own front door, there would be giggles and moans and beds banging all night long.

“That’s a pity, by the way my name’s Jo, pleased to meet you.” She held out her hand. Michelle took it. “I’m usually in here on a Friday and Saturday. Nothing else to do.” She was looking back at the dance floor.

“My name’s Michelle, I lied about my flatmate, she fucked off with some bloke an hour ago. I was just thinking about leaving when you showed up. I feel a little awkward meeting people and well…”

“You didn’t want to end up in some weirdo’s house.” Michelle panicked, that was not what she meant at all.

“No, I didn’t mean that. I just meant, well, the fact is that nobody notices me. So I get a little spooked when somebody does, especially when they’re as beautiful as you. I mean, not that I like women…well… not like that…” Again her mouth opened before her brain had a chance to sensor the content. Sheer panic took hold and her mouth began to flap open and closed without the sounds emerging. Her eyes reached out to Jo, hoping she wouldn’t take offence. Much to Michelle’s relief the other woman chuckled warmly and shook her head.

“I see what you mean. A strange woman approaches you and starts commenting on your figure. I suppose I’m a little too direct for my own good.” Michelle shook her head.

“It’s not just that.” Joe read the fear in her eyes.

“Take your time sweetheart. Just say what’s on your mind, I won’t take offence, I promise.” Michelle took a deep breath.

“What I mean is, why would you be seen with me. I guess I just feel... intimidated.” She couldn’t think of a better word for how she felt. To be sat next to this beautiful woman made her aware of just how bland she had become..

“Because you seem like a decent human being, I have lots of friends, and every one of them is a backstabbing bitch. Maybe you need some tips on how to pull and I need someone who I can talk to, without it ending up as gossip.” It made sense to Michelle but she was still wary of becoming the latest comedy act to the trendy and beautiful people of this world. They sat for a moment in an almost comfortable silence. Suddenly Jo’s head jerked to stare at Michelle.

“I know, tomorrow we shop. We’ll find you some clothes and get to know each other. Then I’ll do your make-up and hair and we’ll come back here tomorrow night. What do you say?” Michelle’s head was filled with the sounds and images waiting at home for her. She knew it would be the same tomorrow night, but the bank balance was running low. Office clerks are not exactly rich and she had been waiting years for a promotion that would probably never come.

“It sounds great, but it will have to be next week, after I get paid.”

“Listen. It would be really great for me to go shopping with someone who I can believe, you know. I work in a bank so it’s not like I can’t afford to treat you. Besides if it makes you feel better I’ll buy for me and you can borrow. Come on, it’ll be a giggle.” Jo’s relaxed attitude was starting to rub off on Michelle. She felt like she had found the one person in London who gave a damn. She felt exited, as if a new door had been opened to her. At the same time it felt a little odd, they had meet only a few minutes ago and now she was being offered a place to stay, a shopping trip and life counselling. She wondered what was in it for the newcomer.

“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but...” she paused looking for the words. “why would you do that? I mean, you don’t even know me.” She waited for the reply, expecting harsh words or mockery. Instead Joe turned to her with a soft smile on her face.

“Have you ever tried to break free of your life. I mean...” Jo’s eyes drifted away over the dance floor, but it seemed that she was looking further, as if she were looking through the far wall. “Have you ever looked at your life and thought what the hell am I doing?” Once again her eyes returned to Michelle, waiting for her response.

“Sort of.” She was guarded in her response. What was in her past was private, like a dark cloud on a distant horizon and she did not wish to discuss it with a stranger. Jo’s face split into a half smile as she shrugged.

“Never been great with expressing my feelings. Never really had the people to talk to. And I suppose that’s part of it.” Her face was beginning to show signs of frustration now as she searched for a way to explain her meaning. “Imagine you work all your life in the same company, striving to climb the corporate ladder. Every promotion makes people hate you more. Every time you go up they seem to think you’re pushing them down. When you get to the top you are surrounded by people that hate your guts. Your pay is enough to keep yourself in a wonderful lifestyle, you have everything you could ever need. But then think about it, who can you share that with? Who can you spend a quiet night with?” The sparkle had left her eyes. “You spent so long chasing those promotions that you missed every other aspect of life. Work is all that you have.” Her eyes were staring through the opposite wall again. After a moment she snapped back to Michelle. “And let’s face it, there’s more to life than work. Spreadsheets and bank balances won’t keep me warm at night.” Michelle suddenly found herself strangely sympathetic to this woman’s plight. A slight grin crossed Jo’s tanned face. “Look at me, the first woman to complain for being over paid.” They both giggled gently. “So you see, all I really want is to find a friend, or friends. I just want to have a life outside of my workplace. To mingle in different circles”

“But you don’t need to pay me to be a friend, you don’t need to buy me clothes. Couldn’t we just go window shopping?”

“We could, but I’m spoiled and impatient.” She grinned as she paused for a moment. “We could wait until you get paid, but...” Her eyes reached to the ceiling as if the words she needed would be printed up there. “There’s something about you that makes me feel like a big sister.” Michelle sat silent, waiting for her to continue. A flash of frustration crossed Jo’s face. “Don’t ask me to explain that one babe. Wouldn’t even know where to begin.” Michelle smiled then, warm and simple. It warmed Jo’s heart. “And there it is, that simple, honest smile says it all. Please, just let me take you out and treat you. All I want from you is company and someone that’s not constantly judging me.” Her hands reached out to take Michelle’s own, her eyes pleading. Michelle was won over. If she was honest she needed the distraction.

“Ok, but I’ll pay you back. It has been ages since I bought a new dress.” They spent the rest of the evening chatting and giggling like old school friends. Michelle becoming more and more at ease with her self. She even told Jo a little of her past with Paul. Time moved quicker now, the evening was no longer a chore to be endured. As the night came towards its end the two women discussed their plans for the following day; where and when to meet. Then Michelle was on her way home. She analysed the events of the evening. The excitement at the idea of becoming sexy again and coming back to life. It had been so long since she had been with a man. Her last relationship had ended after years of being held back. She recalled the time before HIM, before Paul had broken her. She had been just like Jo, a free spirit, able to have any man. She had thought it was love and maybe it was, but it turned into a prison. He had told her what to wear what to do when to speak, but now she was coming back. Finally she had left him as he slept. Now, after almost two years she felt liberated. The scars he had inflicted would heal and she would be that girl again. These happy thoughts followed her to her flat, she jogged up the stairs and unlocked the door. Dropping off her keys at the hall table she started to hum.

“Michelle, is that you?” Her flat mate was obviously in the middle of “entertaining”.

“Yep, I’m going straight to bed, I’ll see you tomorrow. Night.”

“Night then.” Michelle wandered into her bedroom. She opened up her wardrobe and took stock of its contents. Everything that had looked perfectly reasonable this morning now looked drab. She hadn’t realised how far she had fallen until this moment. However, now she could do something about it. As she stood there, she heard the living room door creak open, shortly followed by Rachel’s giggling. The happy couple were now utilising the extra space. Michelle sat on her bed and took her shoes off, before unzipping her dress. Allowing the dress to drop she stood for a moment staring at herself in the mirror. Glaring at the boring underwear she had once called granny knickers. Now she was wearing them. She felt old, twenty-four and already wearing geriatric underwear. She ran her fingers over her body, tracing the shape, feeling the smoothness of the skin.

“I’m not old yet” she whispered to herself. The more she thought about it the clearer it became. She would take Jo up on her offer, but she would never wear these clothes again. Tomorrow was a new start. She would pay Jo back in time, but now was the time to get back her life. She started to remove the plain underwear, examining her features as she did so. The more she thought about it the more exited she became. As her eyes ran over her naked reflection she became aware of the untamed pubic hair. Another sign of how far she had let herself go since she had met Paul. With a determined sigh she slipped from her room and hurried into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. She found her shaving cream and razor and set to work. In her mind she was taking steps to retrieve her youth, the lost years she had spent hiding herself away. Washing the remaining shaving foam from herself she admired her handy work, already she felt more feminine. Quickly she tidied up and without thinking unlocked and opened the bathroom door. Standing on the other side was her flat mate’s partner for the night. She stood frozen, horrified by the realisation that she was naked.

“Well at least I dressed for the part”, he said motioning to his boxers, but his eyes remained transfixed. She could see the look in his eyes from the bathroom light behind her. Desire, pure lust. A look she had not seen in years. “Mind you I think I prefer your outfit.” She felt wanted, she felt worthwhile.

“I’m sure Rachel’s outfit is just as nice”, she retorted.

“She’s asleep, wouldn’t you know it. Does she always leave her men hanging?” Michelle’s eyes fell to his erection.

“You don’t seem to be hanging at all.” She had all but forgotten her lack of clothing. She wanted him. “It’d be a shame to waste it.” She smiled, grabbing his arm and pulling him into the bathroom before locking the door behind them. She kissed his lips passionately, hungry for him. Their tongues sliding over each over in a frantic display of lust. One of his arms slid up her back to her neck sending waves of pleasure throughout her body. Her mind screamed out warnings as their passions intensified, but despite her inhibitions and her usual cautious nature, years of pent up lust pushed her on. She bit her lip as she felt an orgasm approaching. It was a wasted effort, the stranger had already pulled out of her and expended his passions before she even got close. Suddenly she felt hollow and somewhat disappointed. More than anything she was horrified at her own actions.

“You’d better go back and sleep with Rachel.” She looked nervously at the clock, five fifty. Rachel had to get up every weekday at six. Sometimes she would wake up out of habit, usually to have sex with last night’s conquest, but he was in here with her Michelle, she panicked. “She might wake up, you have to be with her!” He looked puzzled.

“You’re not going to tell her? Wow, most girls would be like ’you can’t do that to her’.”

“Well I won’t tell if you don’t.” Michelle wished that had sounded calm and seductive, but the truth was it sounded timid and frantic.

“So… I guess I’ll see you around. It was fun.” With that he left. Michelle hurried back across the hall and sat on the bed. It had been fun, but this was not her. This was not how it was supposed to be. She didn’t sleep with strangers like that. Somehow she felt that she should be crying or something, but she just felt… warm, wanted, desirable.. She had been reckless for the first time in her life. Sure she had played men before. Spent the night out whilst men bought her drinks. She was no virgin, but nor was she promiscuous. Never had she acted like this. She heard the toilet flush and the water run. What would she do if Rachel found out? How could she make amends? She began to panic. She heard footsteps creeping towards the bathroom, Rachel was awake. Michelle breathed deeply trying to calm herself. The bathroom door opened and she heard a muffled whisper. Oh god what would she say to her. A giggle and the sound of the bathroom door closing and locking eased her despair. Surely he wouldn’t tell her if it meant missing out on more sex. After all he was only a man. She sat silently listening to the giggles. After a few minutes, the giggles became moans and then screams of pleasure. Maybe it would be all right. She searched for her night-clothes, but they all belonged to the old Michelle. The time had come to move on and enjoy her life. She slipped naked into her bed, enjoying the cool fabric on her skin. She closed her eyes and remembered the course of the evening’s escapade before drifting into a contented sleep.

She awoke to the sound of the front door closing. Stretching her arms she glanced over at the clock, twenty past nine. She had over an hour to get ready. Sitting up in bed she looked around the room, wiping the sleep from her eyes. The sun shone through the open curtains, a lovely day to start afresh. A knock on her bedroom door startled her.

“Can I come in?” Rachel’s tone sounded friendly enough. Michelle hid her naked body back under the covers.

“Yeah.” The door creaked open. “How was your night?”

“Yeah, well I need to apologise, I shouldn’t have left you. I don’t know what happened really.” Michelle smiled.

“You were drunk and gagging for it, he offered to give it to you. By the sounds coming from the bathroom this morning you got it.”

“Yeah, not sure it was worth it though. He seemed keen enough last night, we just fooled around… a lot. But this morning, when I cornered him for the full monty he didn’t seem overly exited. I mean we did do it, and he lasted well, but he seemed so, well, tired. Any one would have thought he’d run a marathon before climbing into my bed.” Michelle giggled nervously.

“…Bath, climbing into your bath I believe. Well that’s another one to scratch off the list then.” Michelle smiled inwardly at the thought of how much exercise he had really had. She reasoned to herself that if Rachel had been serious about this bloke it wouldn’t have happened. Either way it didn’t matter now, today was a new day.

“Michelle, hellooo. Wakey, wakey.” Michelle shut the memories of last night out.

“Sorry, I was thinking about something.”

“No. Really. So what was it?”

“What?”

“Whatever you were thinking of.” Fucking your bloke last night, were the words in her head.

“Oh just day dreaming. Any way, I’ve got to get ready.”

“Where are you off to?”

“Shopping.”

“On your own, that’s a first. Having a crisis are we?” Michelle smiled and thought of her new future. All the things she had never done. Life’s to short she thought.

“No. I figured it’s about time I got over Paul. I need to start again.”

“Well I have to go and take Mum to see Great Aunt Bertha today so I’ll be off in a minute. I’ll be back tonight though. Fancy that club again?”

“I don’t know, I may have a family do tonight. I’ll see you when I see you.”

“Okay then, if you change your mind just call me on the mobile.” Michelle nodded as Rachel left the room closing the door behind her. Michelle jumped up and wrapped herself in her dressing gown. It seemed stupid, but even the feel of the silk on naked skin seemed fresh and new, it all aroused her. She paused for a moment, something inside didn’t feel right. Had she changed over night? She wanted to change, but not into some kind of slut. It was a one off she assured herself and headed to the bathroom to cleanse away the guilt. She ran a bath, humming the same tune from last night as she climbed into the hot water, the cold air causing goose bumps on her skin. Quickly she washed and dried, rubbing the towel over her body. She dried off quickly and pulled on her dressing gown. Back in her bedroom she searched for something to wear. Everything she found was bought by Paul, so insanely jealous that he could not bear another man even looking at his partner. But that time was past now. She picked out a black ankle length skirt, a white blouse and a black pair of flat, canvass shoes. She pulled out her least embarrassing underwear and threw them on the bed before slipping out of her dressing gown and pulling on her knickers and skirt. After putting on her bra she slipped into the blouse, buttoned it half way down then knotted it above her belly button. She looked over herself in the mirror before running a brush through her hair, no time to dry it, she thought. Slipping on her shoes she had one last glance in the mirror, if only to say goodbye to her old self. As she made her way to the door she heard the car horn outside. Shouting a quick goodbye to Rachel she ran down stairs.

Jo was waiting outside in her Mercedes convertible. Sporting a skimpy white halter neck top, with a short white skirt, her dark wavy hair was tied up in a ponytail. She smiled at Michelle as she ran to the car.

“Ready to shop? I decided last night that I was not going to take no for an answer. After what you told me about your ex you deserve to be spoilt.”

“Well, I will pay you back, but last night I decided it was time to get my life back too. Today is the first day of that new life. It sounds kind of corny but…”

“It sounds fantastic.” Jo interrupted with a warm smile. “Let’s get the new you fitted out. What first?”

“Christ, let’s get some underwear.” As the car drove of the two of them chatted happily. It felt like they had known each other for years. They talked about the shopping trip, they talked about past relationships, they talked about everything. Friends were something Paul did not believe Michelle needed. They could come between them. The truth, which Michelle now knew, was that friends could point out what you can’t see, but by that time she was so far under his control it wouldn’t have mattered.

They arrived at the shopping centre. A tall, long hall crested in the centre with a glass dome. Michelle had seen it before but it was full of designer shops, her meagre salary would buy nothing here. She looked over at Jo, her face full of concern.

“It’s a little pricey here isn’t it?”

“Good job you’re not paying then. Besides, everything is under one roof here.” Jo found a space in the multi-storey and parked the car. “Come on.” She jumped out of the car and grabbed Michelle by the hand. The car beeped as remote locking clicked on. Michelle was pulled to the lift, Jo’s enthusiasm surprised her.

“You obviously love shopping.” She said idly.

“Not really, but today is different. Today WE are shopping for you. I never go shopping with anybody; usually it becomes gossip in the office the following day. You now (not sure what u mean by this – jem), I saw Jo looking at this and that. Today I can relax and we can have a laugh.” They reached the lift and waited for the car to ping to a halt, the doors opened and they stepped in.

“I like what you did with your blouse.” Jo motioned to Michelle’s knotted top.

“Let’s face it, it’s hardly a daring fashion statement but I don’t have any decent clothes anymore. I gave them all up to please Paul.”

“I would have told him where to go, but hey we’re here to sort out the clothing situation.”

“I wish I had told him where to go, but it’s not that simple. It started out great; I really thought he was the one. Then over time it just changed. By the time I realised what he really was, I needed him. No, he made me believe I needed him.”

“Hey, you alright? You look kind of distant.” Jo’s hand rested on her shoulder, as if trying to bring her back to earth.

“Just memories, good and bad. It wasn’t always like that. I mean he could be sweet. Christ he even bought me flowers to apologise, but flowers don’t heal bruises.”

“Do you want to go some place and talk for a bit, we can shop another day?” Michelle shook her head and regained her composure, blinking away the tear in her eye. Suddenly it had hit her, whatever she did would not change what had happened. Nothing would bring back the years he had stolen. Nothing would remove the scars, both physical and mental. She began to feel angry, what had he done to her? She hated him, so much that it felt as if it would consume her, but it would not, she would not let it. He was gone now and she would not let him take any more of her life. “Michelle…” She would start again, scars and all. “MICHELLE!” Jo raised her voice in gentle tone, Michelle blinked and looked at her noting the look of concern.

“Oh sorry, I was miles away.”

“Do you want to do this another day?”

“No, it’s just… well… I’m letting go of the past. I’m sorry I… you were so exited and I seem to be messing it up.”

“Don’t be silly, half the reason I’m so exited is that I feel like I’m actually helping you. It sounds weird but I never really had a good friend. It feels like I know you, like I can trust you. I want to help you because it feels right. It feels like a proper friendship rather than a group of people using each other. Oh god, sounds pathetic I know.”

“No It sounds like we better have a coffee and a chat before we raid the shops.” The lift pinged to a halt and the doors opened once more. The two girls fought their way out of the lift and over to a coffee bar. They ordered their drinks and sat in a quiet corner.

“Listen, you’ve had a tough time, so you do what you want to do today. Besides, I’m just here as an image consultant. You’ve got a lot on your mind and it must be hard to let go, but if you want to talk or whatever, well… you know.” Michelle smiled at her and nodded.

“Paul hurt me, a lot. I have scars on my back and stomach from where he whipped me with a belt.” Jo cringed. “He used the end with the buckle, it cut and scarred me. He also cut my neck with a knife, threatened to kill me if I looked at another man. It makes me feel like damaged goods. When I was with that man last night it just made me feel…it makes me feel disfigured. I can’t let any one see it.” Jo sat up straight.

“Man? What man.”

“Oh god, I didn’t mean to say that. I don’t even know his name, I didn’t mean it to happen.”

“Calm down sweetie, you don’t have to say another word. I don’t care. Good for you I say.”

“But he was with my flat mate, I… it just…”

“Hey relax, were they serious?”

“No.”

“Right so all they were after was sex. He wanted it, she wanted it, just fun. No emotional ties, just one night of fun. Don’t worry about it. Besides, it’s not like you can go back and change it” Jo sipped her coffee, Michelle stared at her feet. “But my, you are a dark horse.” Jo shot a beaming smile at Michelle whose eyes rose to meet hers. She smiled back. The mood began to lighten a little as they sat and chatted about Michelle’s escapades. They discussed past boyfriends and compared their merits and faults. Each trying to go one better. After half an hour the cups were empty. “Time to shop.” Jo grabbed Michelle’s hand again and started off towards an expensive looking lingerie shop. They stood outside for a moment, looking at the mannequins and their adornments. Michelle used to be embarrassed by this sort of thing, but here and now it just seemed to be relaxed fun. They entered the shop, Jo took the lead and rummaged through the rails pulling off anything she thought was suitable. Michelle took her time, feeling each garment.

“Here, what do you think”, said Jo thrusting an arm full of thongs and bras into Michelle’s hands. She looked through them one by one. The thought of wearing a thong or G-string did not appeal to her, but was that her or Paul talking?

“I don’t know about these,” she said holding out a few of the selected thongs, “I don’t really like thongs.” Jo smiled. “Please don’t laugh at me.”

“Hey, I’m not laughing. Let me have another look.” She wandered off again. “Here, Michelle come here.” Michelle trundled over, slightly disheartened now. “These will be perfect for you.” She held up a pair of cream, lacy briefs with a tie on each side and a matching bra. Michelle reached out and felt them. It had been so long, she wondered if she even knew how to look attractive anymore.

“Do you think they’re nice, I mean will they look good on me?”

“Yes, and blokes will love ’em. What’s wrong? You look worried.”

“Nothing, I just… I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I mean should I wear a thong because it’s sexy or…” Jo cut in.

“You are pretty, with or without your clothes. There ain’t nothing wrong with the product sweetie. The packaging just needs a little revamp. I’m not gonna let you get anything that won’t make you look good, all right. Come on, relax and enjoy it.” Jo placed her hand on Michelle’s cheek, as a mother would a child. “It’s all right. I’ll look after you.” Michelle looked at Jo, a tear in her eye. Then she looked at the underwear and blinked away the tears.

“You’re right. I’m being silly. Well I like these, what do you think.”

“I don’t think you’re being silly and yes these will look great. What else? What about these?” Jo began to rummage again pulling out items for Michelle’s approval. Michelle decided to get one thong, better to be prepared. In total Michelle now held four sets briefs in various colours with matching bras in varying styles and a red thong. They walked up to the counter bearing the fruits of their labour. The clerk scanned the codes one by one, Michelle was alarmed at just how much she had spent of her new friends’ money.

“Can we put some back?” She asked nervously.

“Nope. Listen I’m not spending more than I can afford. Come on , just relax.” The tone of her voice was almost pleading, as if Jo’s enjoyment depended on Michelle to cooperate. Michelle took a moment before succumbing to the eagerness in Jo’s eyes and finally left the shop carrying a bag of underwear “What next?” Jo asked, although the question seemed to be aimed at herself, as she pondered over the shops. “I know.” She stated before grabbing Michelle by the arm and leading here to the toilets. “Go on then.” She instructed.

“Err, I don’t need to go right now.”

“No. Go change your underwear.”

“What here?” Michelle didn’t like the idea of stripping down in the toilets.

“Yes here, go on”

“But!”

“GO!” Jo was not taking no for an answer. Michelle hesitantly walked into the ladies and entered a cubicle. Locking the door behind her she looked into her bag. She sifted through until she found a matching set. A pair of black briefs with ties, and a lacy, black, plunge bra. She slipped off her shoes and old knickers pulled the new ones on. Then she franticly undid her blouse, slipping it off and hanging it up. She undid the clasp on her bra and slipped it off before slipping the new one on, admiring the effect it had on her cleavage. Quickly she replaced the blouse, tying it low enough to cover the scar that rested just below the bra. The new underwear felt good, not at all like the frumpy items she had removed. She felt more relaxed now. Jo had promised to take care of her and had proved to be right up to now. Her old underwear lay scattered on the floor and she considered taking it with her. No, she would leave it there, a symbolic gesture of her old life. As she left the toilets she smiled at Jo who was waiting outside.

“So how is it?”

“Nice, comfortable. I feel comfortable, with myself.” Jo smiled and started to move to a clothes shop.

“Good, come on then.” Michelle followed, she felt strange. She couldn’t understand why Jo was doing this. It had sounded like a good idea, but so much money had already been spent. In the club last night Jo had seemed to make sense, but now the sums were starting to add up.

“Why are you doing this for me?” She asked in a soft voice, afraid of sounding ungrateful. Jo looked at her and smiled.

“Because I can. Because when I saw you in that club it looked like you could use a friend. Because I have too much money to spend myself. Because I have my own demons and scars that I would like to talk about. Money is nothing, it makes life as hard as not having any. Money breeds greed in those around you. But not you. Yes you accept it, but you say you’ll pay it back. It doesn’t matter if you do or you don’t. I’ve got enough to give it away. You worry about me spending too much. Most people would be after more. Because, when you long and need something, you tend to appreciate it more. I kind of feel like you can appreciate me because I listen. I like to hear your stories.”

“I didn’t mean to be nosy, and I do appreciate you, I just wondered why.” Michelle noticed the tear in Jo’e eye as she turned away to face the shop.

“Oh, it’s not you. Between your memories and mine we’re not doing to well today. Come on, let’s get some retail therapy.” She wiped away the tears with her hand and walked into the shop. Michelle followed. “I think I’ll get something for tonight too.” They wandered around the shop together this time, eyeing up the goods. After about half an hour they each had a bundle of clothes. They headed to the changing rooms to try on their finds. One by one Michelle tried on the outfits, looking at herself in the mirror. Having dismissed half of the items she left the cubicle to find Jo waiting.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to take so long.”

“That’s alright, so what did you choose?” As they stood in the queue to pay, Michelle showed Jo what she had. The first outfit was a frilly red skirt with a backless halter neck top. One by one she held them up for Jo’s approval. A short, black velvet dress, a couple of simple strap tops and skirts. As Michelle held each one up Jo nodded her head in approval.

“That’s not too much is it? I can put some back.”

“What are you talking about? You’re going home with more clothes than that. This is just the first shop.” Before leaving, Jo commanded Michelle to go and get changed. Back in the cubicle she chose a plain black strap top and skirt which sat a couple of inches above her knees. She felt relieved to get out of her old clothes, so much so that she left them in the cubicle. Another epitaph to her past.

They wandered from shop to shop, Jo pushing Michelle to buy more, whatever she wanted. Once or twice they returned to the car to dump the multitude of bags they were carrying. Quite literally Jo intended to replace Michelle’s wardrobe and she was doing well. They bought more underwear, more clothes, shoes and accessories, chatting happily as they browsed the wares, about life, love and friendship. Any one looking at them would think they had been friends for life. Finally they returned to the coffee bar having dropped of their last load of shopping in the car.

“So how much do I owe you?” Michelle was feeling nervous. How the hell would she pay Jo back, the bill must have been thousands.

“You can buy the coffee, then we’ll call it even.”

“No, come on. I told you I’d pay you back.”

“Did you have fun?”

“Yes. Don’t change the subject.”

“For the first time in years I am relaxed. I don’t have to pretend to be a hard-line bitch to keep my office in line. I’m not drinking coffee with a colleague who’d sooner be stabbing me in the back. For half a day I forgot all the stress and strain, the horrors of the past and fears of the future. In that respect paying your clothing bill and helping you out was worth every penny.” Michelle did not understand but the way Jo was looking at her reassured her that she meant it. Not wanting to press the issue again she smiled and reached out for Jo’s hand,

“It’s been fantastic, thank you. I wish I could do something in return, but I guess a coffee will have to do for now.” She got up and returned some minutes later with two cups of coffee. “So what now?” She said carefully placing a cup in front of Jo.

“Let’s rest our feet for a few minutes then we’ll see. So what are you wearing tonight?”

“I don’t now, so much to choose from. Maybe I’ll take a bag and wear them all over the course of the evening.” She giggled. Jo smiled but seemed lost in thought. “What are you thinking? I mean, you don’t have to tell me. I didn’t mean to be nosy.” Jo’s smile grew wider.

“You’re so sweet, d’you know that. I was thinking about men. It’s been so long since I got laid, maybe I’m in the same boat as you in that department. Oh sorry, I forgot you got laid last night.” Jo chuckled as Michelle blushed, “You really shouldn’t get so embarrassed about it.”

“I can’t help it. I can’t believe it happened. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a prude. I love sex, but it usually takes at least a couple of dates to get to know someone enough for it. Any way how can you say you haven’t been laid for ages, you could probably have any man.”

“Maybe but I can’t seem to find a man I want at the moment. So what do you did you do.. You know… in times of desperation?” Michelle looked blankly at her. “Masturbation, vibrator, what did you do?” Michelle blushed and looked at her feet. “What you’ve never done it?”

“Well of course I have, but, I never used anything. I’ve never had a vibrator or anything.” A grin split across Jo’s face, a boisterous grin. “What are you planning?”

“Nothing.”

“Jo?”

“Come on. We’ve got two more shops to get to now.” Before Michelle could protest Jo had downed her coffee and had a grip on her arm. She was half dragged through the centre still trying to uncover Jo’s plan. Jo just answered her questions with the same grin. Finally they stopped outside a shop. The windows were dark, the only visible item was a neon sign which read XXX.

“Oh no, no way!” Michelle began to back away but Jo had positioned herself behind her. With a swift push Michelle was heading towards the entrance, although not by her own will.

“Come on, it’ll be a laugh.” Jo assured her

“I’ve never been in one, I can’t say I ever wanted to.”

“Neither have I, but I want to try everything in life before writing it off. Come on.” Michelle realised she was fighting a losing battle. Regardless of what she said she was going in this shop. She steeled herself and strode forward. The surprised Jo nearly fell over as she pushed at the air where Michelle’s back had been. Opening the door, Michelle stepped in, still trying to comprehend what the hell she was doing here. Jo was right behind her, that grin still smeared across her face. They stood for a moment, each getting their bearings and becoming acquainted with the strange surroundings. It was an Aladdin’s cave of bizarre objects and oddities. Jo pulled Michelle to one corner of the shop where vibrators were hanging on the wall.

“Jesus, I didn’t know there were so many types.” Michelle could not answer. She stood gazing over the many vibrators, part embarrassed, part amazed. She had always thought of these places as seedy, dirty. Now here she was. Her eyes darted to find a space she could look at without with out feeling unclean, but eventually she gave up and followed Jo’s gaze to the wall of toys. There were at least twenty different models. All different sizes, colours and shapes. Jo reached up and pulled down a blue rubber one. It was only about three inches long. “Remind you of anyone?” she said, they both giggled. She replaced it and continued to examine each.

“You’re not going to buy one are you?”

“Nope, we’re both gonna get one”, she said picking up another one to take a closer look.

“What? I don’t want one. I mean, what would I use it for?”

“Do you really want me to explain? Besides you don’t have to use it on your own.”

“But I… well I don’t… like girls.” Jo sighed, the smile never leaving her face. This girls innocence was refreshing.

“No. I mean you can use it for foreplay. I once dated a bloke who had his own, the best foreplay I ever had!” Judging by the days events, Michelle was going to own a vibrator whether she liked it or not. She decided it was better to choose her own rather than Jo buying the most extravagant and bizarre thing she could for her. She gazed over the stock.

“What’s the difference?”

“Well size for one thing. How big do you like your men to be? Then there’s texture, smooth plastic or metal, realistic or just bumpy rubber. Just think about what it will feel like inside. Kinda makes me feel….well you know.” Michelle blushed again, but the thought was turning her on. Michelle was surprised at how blunt she was, “How about you?” Come on, honestly.” Michelle wanted to lie, but by the same token why should she. They were friends, and Jo was completely relaxed about it.

“Yeah, a little.” A half-truth, she was feeling as horny as hell, but she didn’t know why. She enjoyed sex but had never had a huge appetite for it. So why now? Was she becoming liberated from more than just a bad relationship?

“I think I’ll get this one. Look its metal but it has a rubber cover.” She passed it to Michelle. She eyed it with a kind of tepid anticipation. She was scared of what was happening to her. “What’s wrong, Michelle.” She just stood there, transfixed. “Michelle!” Jo’s voice was full of concern, as was her face. Michelle looked up with a blank stare.

“What’s happening to me.” A tear was making its way down her cheek, “Why have I become a slut? I didn’t want this.” Jo took her into an embrace as the tears began to flow. The shop attendant approached them.

“Are you two okay?” His voice was soft. Jo nodded. “There’s a room out back if you need a moment.” He pointed to a painted red door at the back of the shop. Jo nodded again and the two women began to move towards the sanctuary. Once inside Michelle all but collapsed in sobs of tears.

“Look at me.” Jo’s tone was firm but kind and Michelle’s eyes met hers. “You’re not a slut. If you were you wouldn’t care. You’re just changing. You’ve been through a rough time and now you’re celebrating freedom. I was feeling hot too. It’s called a libido. Come on.” She held her close, as a mother would a child with a scrapped knee. “You’re just letting go, letting your hair down. Nothing more.” The sobbing subsided and Michelle looked up into Jo’s face, her eyes full of concern.

“If I ever become a slut promise me you’ll tell me.” Jo nodded “I don’t even know why, but I trust you. Please tell me.” Michelle was almost pleading.

“If you do anything out of bounds I’ll tell you. Right now you’re mixed up. You’re living a new life with your old morals. Just give it time, you’ll settle into it, and I’ll be here for you.” Michelle wiped the tears away. Suddenly she smiled, half giggling, half crying.

“That poor bloke probably thinks his stuff freaked me out. Vibrophobia, what do you think?” They both giggled as Michelle climbed back to her feet with Jo’s help. “Come on, let’s have another look around.”

“You don’t have to, you know that don’t you?” Michelle smiled, taking comfort from the concern on Jo’s face.

“I know, but you’re right. I just need to adjust and the best way to do it is to let go of the past. The new me, remember.” They gathered themselves together and walked back into the store. Michelle approached the man behind the till. “Sorry, women’s problems, you know.” He nodded and held out a box of tissues.

“It happens more than you think.” His smile was full of warmth and compassion. It suddenly dawned on her that he was just earning a living. To her the contents of this shop were a taboo, but to him, and others, they were just a bit of fun. Michelle thanked him and walked back over to where Jo was looking at the vibrators, still contemplating her judgemental view on the sex industry. Jo smiled at her as she approached.

“Fuck it. Let’s get a selection.” She started to pick out different models and passing them to Michelle “If you think you’re a slut you wait till I get going!” She smiled at Michelle who now held six boxes, two vibrators of three different designs. “What else do we need?” She began to browse the rest of the store. She picked up a French maid’s outfit and held it up. “Definitely us.” She said grabbing another for Michelle. On further inspection there was more here than just vibrators and dildos. Michelle found herself slowly taking in the different areas of the shop. Both male and female toys and clothing were spread out before her. There were specialist items, leather latex, whips restraints. The list was endless and Michelle found herself drawn in. There was such a diverse collection of fetishes and tastes, and she had been blind to it all. After some time they approached the till. Laying the goods out in front of them Michelle took stock of what Jo had selected. There was two of everything. Thigh high boots, handcuffs, the vibrators, the outfits, lubricant and various dildos.

“What the hell are we gonna do with all this stuff?” Michele was bewildered.

“I’m sure you’ll think of something.” She said handing over her credit card. As they left Michelle apologised again and thanked the man for his assistance. He smiled at her, his eyes full of warmth as he waved them out of the shop. Michelle was still reeling from the epiphany she had just had. Was she too judgmental?

“One more shop we gotta do. Come on.” Again Jo was off, Michelle could only follow. As they walked through the shopping centre, Michelle became aware of a group of people standing outside a record shop. Clad in mainly black clothing and seeming to completely shun the current fashion trends she recognised them as “Goths”. But she was looking at one man in particular. A tall, broad man with long black hair. Hiss face painted white, his lips black, his eyes surrounded by thick black eyeliner. He was tall, made even taller by the thick soled knee high boots which his jeans were tucked in to, the shirt looked like something from a pirate movie. It was black with a lace up front and black frills at the cuffs. Over this he wore an ankle length, black leather jacket. Jo followed her gaze.

“What’s up? They’re harmless enough, just don’t piss ’em off.”

“You know them?” Michelle was surprised. Most people shunned them as if they had the plague.

“No. Not really. I just don’t see why they’re so different apart from their dress and their taste in music. It’s not like they ever did me any harm.” Michelle nodded. “Are you eyeing him up?” Michelle became aware she was staring. Quickly she diverted her gaze. The truth was that she was one of those that had shunned them, it all seemed to add to her self doubt. Quickly she recovered her senses, not wanting to add any more tears to the day.

“So where are we going?” She felt embarrassed. The fact was that she was intrigued rather than attracted.

“Uh-huh. Changing the subject. Ok then we’re going to a nightwear place. They’ve got all kinds of stuff.” They walked on and entered the shop. Michelle looked around her. There was everything from skimpy see through teddies to long luxurious night dresses. They wandered through the shop occasionally stopping to feel the fabric. Jo would pick out an item and hold it up to Michelle for a visual check. Finally the two girls left the store with a see through teddy, a silk chemise and a long black night dress. This was what Michelle had always dreamed of. A nightdress to her ankles but slit to the waist on one side with a lace up front. She had fallen in love with it. Jo had seen the look in her eye and insisted. They began the walk back to the car. On the way Michelle felt as if she was being watched. A glance over her shoulder revealed the tall stranger was looking in her direction. Jo noticed it too and smiled. “Love at first sight? Or just animal instinct.” Michelle’s head snapped back forward.

“Shut up. I don’t know, he’s just… different I guess.” Jo smiled, stopping for a moment, her face full of thoughtfulness. Suddenly she turned on her heel and approached the ostracised group. Michelle began to panic, unsure whether to follow her or walk away. With a curse she followed the slim woman, her heart beating in her chest. What was Jo going to do now? As the two girls approached the group became silent and noticeably tense.

“Hi guys.” Only two of the group mumbled a greeting. “Maybe they’re not so friendly after all.”

“Let’s just go.” Urgency was creeping into Michelle’s voice now, the man looked even bigger close up. Jo remained where she was, defiant. The big man smiled for a moment.

“I apologise my dear. That wasn’t very friendly, but then we were expecting more of the same.” Jo nodded, accepting his apology. “Usually the more…” he paused for a moment. “popular people tend to treat us like a plague.” He held out his hand and Jo took it.

“Well Michelle and I here are exactly your average ’popular’ girls.” The big man was grinning now.

“The irony is that we all hate the way others judge us for being different, and yet we judge you just as harshly.” He snorted, as if disgusted by his own hypocrisy. “My name is Chris.”

“I’m Jo, this is Michelle. To be honest I’ve always been kinda curious about you guys. Is the makeup and all that just for show? Is it something sexual?” Michelle was becoming uncomfortable again but Chris just laughed.

“It’s different things to different people, not something I can explain or categorise to be honest. For me, this is how I feel I should look, these are the people who understand me.” He motioned to the people around him.

“So you don’t worship the devil then?” Jo was blunt as ever, and now the big man laughed out loud. The noise, surprising Michelle, caused her to jump slightly.

“Oh yeah, all the time. I have a workbench in my garden that I sacrifice virgins on, but only at the weekend.” The sarcasm in his voice, mixed with good humour, eased Michelle’s tension. “Personally, I don’t worship anything. Carl there is a Christian and Amber is a pagan.” He motioned towards the individuals. Jo was nodding with genuine interest.

“See this is what confuses me, what do you guys talk about? I mean, you all have different tastes and religions. So what do you have in common?”

“We all have unique identities.” He grinned at the paradox. The group mingled for a while as Michelle found her preconceptions washed away. In general all of these people seemed bright and friendly. Despite being morbid, they certainly laughed in equal measure. In fact when Chris announced that they had to go, Michelle felt a little pang of sorrow. Chris was a gentleman, and there were precious few of those around. They reached the car and loaded the last of the shopping. Then they were away, both singing along to the radio like teenagers.

Michelle waved to Jo as she pulled away. She had about an hour to shower before Jo came back to pick her up. Running up the stairs, as best she could with a mountain of shopping she thought about the night ahead. First to Jo’s apartment to get ready. Then they were off on a tour of the clubs and bars. As she reached the top of the stairs she was confronted with a pair of large suitcases outside her flat. As she approached, Rachel tumbled out carrying a large bag. She looked flustered and Michelle’s heart sank.

“How could you?” Michelle wished she had the answer. “I bumped into him today, d’you know what he asked. He asked me if I thought you would be interested in a threesome. So I told him that you didn’t do that sort of thing. I told him you were very prim and proper. So what do you think he let slip then? Huh, how do you think I felt?” Michelle’s eyes met the floor.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t even go there. How often has this happened? It wouldn’t be half as bad if you had told me. But no, I found out from that creep. No, it wasn’t serious but how would you feel? I’m just going to the toilet, oh and to shag your flatmate.” Rachel’s cold stare levelled with Michelle. “I can’t believe you. You were always so perfect, a model citizen. But you turn out to be just another whore.” The words carried venom. Michelle sank down to the floor and wept. “You’re pathetic. I’ll be at my sisters if anyone wants me. My rent’s on the table for this month. Bye.” With that she hoisted the bag, pulling the strap over her shoulder. Lifting a suitcase in each hand she marched down the stairs. Michelle wanted to stop her, wanted to tell her she was sorry, but the words were lost. She sat there, her head on her knees. After a few minutes she pulled herself up. Gathering her bags she wandered into the flat. All of Rachel’s things had gone, the place looked bare. They had been friends at school and had remained so until Paul had locked her away. Then a month or so after she had left him Rachel had seen her in a shop. Soon they were planning getting a half decent place, Michelle was sick of the one room she had at the refuge, it had already served its purpose. They moved into this flat six months ago. It was dingy, outdated and cold, but it was also cheap. Now Michelle had done the unthinkable. She found the tissues, sat on her bed and cried. Losing all track of time, tonight’s plans a memory. After what seemed like a few minutes she heard Jo shouting from the landing.

“Michelle, Michelle, where are you?” She bounced from the bed and ran to the door, which was still wide open. “Hey what’s up?”

“She found out. He told her, he fucking told her.” The tears began to flow again “Now she thinks I’m a whore, that’s what she called me. A whore.”

“Calm down. She’s just angry. Give her a chance to come round.” Michelle dragged her inside and made her a coffee. They talked for a while. Jo tried to reassure her. Eventually Michelle calmed down enough to talk.

“I guess it was more the fact that I hid it from her. I should have known, but I was so ashamed and embarrassed.”

“Give it some time then talk to her.”

“I wouldn’t bother waiting.” Rachel was standing in the kitchen doorway “I’m sorry. I just lost it. I suppose I got used to being the slut of the flat. I just wished it had come from you.”

“I wish I had told you. I’m so sorry, it’ll never happen again. I don’t even know how it happened.” Her hands were held out in front of her, as if the answer would fall into them.

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s good you’re bouncing back and all. I just got a little upset, I suppose jealous. Friends?” She held out her hand. Michelle dived on it pulling her into a hug. “Yeah alright give me a little space huh. Just remember I’m still a little pissed at you all right, but I guess we’ll sort it out in time.”

“How about we give you some space now by going out?” Rachel turned to look at Jo.

“Oh sorry, this is Jo we met at the club last night.” Jo and Rachel smiled at each exchanging hellos.

“Ok, that’s cool ’cause I’m going out to meet an old flame. Do me a favour, if we come back here just stay out of the way. This one I do have feelings for.”

“Why don’t you stay at mine Michelle. Give Rachel some space tonight.” Although the flat mates had made up, an air of tension lingered. Michelle was not about to turn down an offer to stay out of an uncomfortable situation.

“Yeah, that sounds good. Come and help me grab some stuff.” Michelle walked out of the kitchen carrying her shopping with her.

“She really didn’t mean it to happen, she’s just sort of lost her way at the moment.”

“I know. I waited on the stairs to see what she would do when I left. She just fell apart. If what happened last night is anything to go by, she’s in real turmoil. She just doesn’t do things like that.” Jo smiled at her before turning away and following Michelle into her bedroom. Michelle had already got a bag out open on the bed and was packing some of her new clothes in it.

“She’s in the same boat you’re in. She doesn’t know who you are at the moment. You both need time to adjust. Hey listen, I was thinking, why don’t you stay the whole weekend. Give Rachel a bit of space.” Michelle stopped folding clothes and looked up.

“What if you pull, you can’t trust me. I’ll do the same thing to you as I did to her.”

“When a child plays with fire, they only do it til they get burnt. Besides, my bedroom’s got an en suite bathroom. No chance of you being caught out. If he comes looking for you I’ll slap him.”

“What if I go looking for him?”

“Would you? Could you? You may get drawn in when it’s right in front of you, but could you consciously go out of your way to hurt me like that.” Michelle shook her head.

“I don’t know. I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep with a stranger, but I did.”

“Well maybe you’d better pack this just in case the urge gets too much.” A broad grin split across Jo’s face as she dropped the metal vibrator into the bag. Michelle smiled too. “Come on, let’s just have some fun okay. Whatever happens, happens.” Michelle picked up her bag and made for the front door.

“Rachel I wont be back tomorrow, okay. I’ll be back after work on Monday.” Rachel shouted back an acknowledgement as the two women left the flat.

Half an hour later they stumbled into Jo’s apartment. It was the complete opposite of Michelle and Rachel’s place. In fact compared to this Michelle’s flat was a hole. Everything looked spotless. The living room looked about the same size as her entire flat.

“Come here.” Michelle followed Jo across the living room to a pair of glass doors and out on to a large balcony overlooking the Thames. Michelle was speechless. She tried to think of something intelligent to say.

“Wow.” Not quite as deep as she had hoped. The view really was breathtaking. She could see the bridges over the Thames, the tower of London. A gentle breeze blew through her hair as looked in awe at the sprawling city beneath her.

“This is my pride and joy,” Jo said enjoying the look on Michelle’s face. “One day I swear I’ll find the right man and make love out here.” They both stood there for several minutes taking in the view. “This is gonna be great, just like the sleepovers I used to have as a kid.”

“I never had a sleep over. My mum died when I was seven. My dad never recovered. He just drank to take away the pain. I tried to take care of him. One night he started telling me I wasn’t his. He just kept saying what a slut my mum was. I was fourteen I think. I ran away that night, my aunt found me hiding in a shed on the allotments near to my house. After that I stayed with her. She was a hard-nosed bitch, but she took me in. She died whilst I was with Paul. I guess that made it easier for him to break me.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“It was all a long time ago now. Any way, I need to shower and then we need to get ready.” They left the balcony and Jo showed Michelle the spare bedroom and the bathroom. Michelle opened her over night bag and rummaged through the clothes. She pulled out the black dress and lay it on the bed. Next she found a set of black underwear and black hold up stockings. She tried to hold the dress up in front of her to see how it looked in the mirror, but as she lifted it the vibrator fell to the floor. It had been wrapped in the dress. Michelle smiled and placed it in the pine bedside dresser. Maybe if her luck was out later at least she had something. It would probably stay around longer too. She found the satin dressing gown she had bought earlier and hung it on a hook behind the door. She sat on the bed and slipped off her new black shoes and began to undress. She got down to her underwear when she caught site of herself in the mirror. She looked so different from the previous night. Maybe it was just the underwear, but somehow the woman in the mirror looked more attractive. Michelle smiled with satisfaction. She stood up admiring the new bra and knickers, until she caught site of the scars. The smile fell from her face as she turned and looked at her back in the mirror. The bra line of her back was covered in short lines of roughly healed skin. He had been accurate, she’d give him that. She would be laid on the floor crying, waiting for the beating to start, listening to the rattle of him undoing his belt. She remembered the brown leather. If he was in a good mood he would just use the leather end. If he was not he would use the buckle. Her head filled with memories of lying face down, waiting for the pain. Always in the same place. In some way he seemed to hope that they would be hidden by her bra strap, but at least half were on display below the fabric. She reached back and undid the clasp letting the bra slide off her shoulders and down her arms. Cringing as she viewed the epicentre of the scars. A dozen criss-crossing scars appeared. Anger built up in her again fuelling her determination. She would have fun tonight. Quickly she undid the ties on her briefs, letting them drop to the floor. Donning the dressing gown she walked to the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She opened the glass shower cubicle and turned on the tap before adjusting the temperature. She was in the mood to enjoy a long, relaxing shower, but the excitement of going out as a single attractive female beckoned her. She wanted to feel freedom, from Paul and his legacy. She washed and shaved quickly . Just as she turned off the water there was a knock at the door.

“Michelle, I’ve got us a couple of drinks. If you want I’ll do your hair while we relax for a bit. I ordered the cab for nine, so we’ve got a couple of hours.” Michelle grabbed her dressing gown, throwing it on and tying it up. She unlocked and opened the door. “What cocktails have you had?” That boisterous grin had returned to her face.

“It’s been a while I can’t remember.” Jo turned and walked out to the living room with Michelle in tow.

“Sit down on the settee.” She motioned towards a three seater black leather settee. Michelle obeyed sitting with her feet tucked up beside her. Jo passed her a tall glass with a thick brown liquid inside. “There you go, chocolate milkshake and brandy.” Michelle eyed the glass wearily. “Try it.” She closed her eyes and sipped the liquid. Surprisingly it tasted good. Jo stood behind her armed with a brush and hair dryer. They spent half an hour talking, drinking and styling each others hair. Jo went for her customary wavy hair whilst Michelle had her hair tied up in a high ponytail with two thick strands of hair framing either side of her face. Then they went to their separate rooms to dress. Michelle slipped on her briefs and bra, adjusting them for comfort. The bra pushed her breasts up together resulting in a natural looking full cleavage. She slipped the velvet dress over her head guiding her arms through. The straps ran down to just below her cleavage where it cut across in a straight line hugging her body and running down to just above her knees. She pulled the stockings up each leg, enjoying the feel of the silk. Finally she found a pair of black stilettos. She left the room and returned to the sofa to wait for Jo who came out only a few minutes later. She was carrying a small bag. For the next hour they applied their make up. Using subtle shades to highlight the features of their faces. Michelle wore a pale foundation, reddish brown lipstick, mascara and dark eyeliner. Jo went for a deep red lipstick and a darker foundation as well as the trimmings. At last satisfied they left Jo’s apartment, excited about the night to come.

The first bar was located in Soho. As they entered they were deafened by the music. The heavy base throbbing through them. They headed to the bar and Michelle made sure to get there first to order the round. She had a rum and coke whilst Jo opted for a bottle of lager.

“I’ve never known any girls that drink beer.” Michelle stated

“You do now.” They sipped their drinks at the bar. Every so often one of them would point out a possible candidate to dance with, but neither girl was ready for that yet, it would take a few more drinks and there were plenty. Between them they visited the bar at least five times before the first of them approached. He was about six foot tall, short blonde hair, in his mid thirties.

“Hi, can I get you a drink?” Neither girl said it but by some miraculous force the thought entered both their heads ’wow, that’s original’.

“No thanks we’re waiting for someone.” Jo shouted over the music. As he walked away Michelle gave Jo a questioning look. “What you wanted him to buy you a drink?”

“No I guess not. Still it would have been nice to have the option.”

“Sorry, he just seemed a little… boring.” The girls continued to chat over their drinks, keeping an eye on the local talent. After about an hour a dark haired man approached, about six feet tall he was handsome, dressed smartly and as they were about to find out, charming.

“Good evening ladies, my friend and I were wondering if you would like some company.” He motioned towards his obviously shy friend at the bar. The other man was shorter and not quite as good looking, but certainly not ugly. He tried not to look at the two girls, but his curiosity was obvious.

“I’ll have a Martini.” Michelle was caught short, she had not expected Jo to entertain this guy. She wandered which one of them would get the dark haired charmer and who would be left with the red head at the bar? And at what point had this man offered to buy a drink for them. Still he just smiled and nodded at Jo before turning his attention to Michelle.

“I’m fine tha...”

“She’ll have a rum and coke.” Jo stated before Michelle could finish her sentence. She shot Jo a surprised look. The man nodded and joined his friend at the bar. “Loosen up, it’s a game. They buy you drinks and you make them look good. As far as they’re concerned they’re being seen with two beautiful women. Just play along and enjoy yourself, how else are you going to find a man?” In a way it made sense. Sort of like an interview. They were given the chance to win the girls affection, but they supplied the drinks. Michelle relaxed a little. “Oh, and I’m not going to leave you here. These pair are only the first believe me. Just follow my lead.” Michelle smiled nervously. The two men approached and sat opposite the girls, placing the drinks on the table in the appropriate positions. Michelle resisted the urge to grab the glass and pour the dark liquid down her throat, she was feeling very uncomfortable again. “So what do you do?” Jo broke the ice.

“We’re in the sales business.”

“Oh, nice. So what do you sell?”

“We work for a building firm. We phone clients and offer our services.”

“What company?” Michelle got the idea that Jo was up to something. Her face seemed to hold a sense of purpose.

“Well I doubt you’ve heard of us. I mean unless you’re a builder.” The dark haired man laughed, a smug smile splitting his face, it reminded Michelle of a snake. Jo’s eyebrow was raised now, her face waiting expectantly for an answer “We’re called The Confirth Group.” Michelle didn’t like these men, they were arrogant and sly. Slimy was the first word in her head.”

“Ah yes, The Confirth Group. I believe you used to be Confirth and Partners, until your account was frozen by the trading standards. Something about ripping little old ladies off!” Both men instantly froze, their eyes meeting each other, mouths slightly ajar.

“Well, maybe… I… don’t really know about the company’s past. I mean… well we’ve only been there a few weeks.” The words tumbled from the red heads mouth.

“How the hell did you know that?” The dark haired man had recovered.

“Well I would tell you, but, then I’d be breaking confidence with my client.”

“There was never any proof…”

“Not that we worked there then.” The red head was making desperate attempts to recover the situation. Unfortunately he was failing.

“I think you boys are out of luck! but thanks for the drink.” Jo raised her glass in a gesture towards the men who were stumbling over each other to leave the table. Michelle smiled, trying to hold back the laughter. “I’m glad you enjoyed that.” Jo stated before bursting into laughter. Michelle could contain herself no longer and she joined in.

The night continued in the same way. Several men approached them. Michelle had disliked all of them from the moment they had sat down. She couldn’t explain it. Just the way they acted, moved and spoke put her buck up. Jo had outwitted all of them and sent them away with their tail between their legs, but not before they had bought a drink.

“I’m not surprised you can’t find a man if this is the way you treat them all. And how do you know all this stuff?” Michelle remarked after her fifth free drink.

“When I find an honest man he won’t look like a prick will he. And my bank were the ones that reported the company. They ripped off one of our clients. Anyway, drink up, time to move on.”

“You mean find more victims.” They both giggled again. Michelle’s confidence was growing. Seeing so many men cut down to size by her companion was beginning to inspire her.

“Hello ladies, could I speak to you for a minute?” Neither girl had seen him coming.

“I’m afraid we’re just leaving.” Jo had lost interest in this club.

“Oh, right. Well look, I just need a quick favour.” Michelle looked at the man and noticed the gold ring.

“Would your wife approve of this ’favour’.” Michelle’s mouth spat out the line with a fair amount of venom. He looked her in the eye.

“My wife is sitting over there at my table. She is sitting with a friend of ours. He’s just got divorced and is a little low on esteem. On top of that he’s not much of a talker, not to strangers anyway.” Michelle suddenly felt guilty and a little foolish. “I was hoping one of you could maybe spend a couple of minutes massaging his ego for me.” Jo looked at Michelle.

“My friend here is in a similar boat. Maybe we could call it a practice run for them both. What do you say Michelle?”

“I… I’ll try.” Michelle had a sinking feeling. She owed this man an apology and more. If only her brain would engage before her mouth, but even then, she had been so sure of her self, would it have made a difference? Her self confidence wavered. Jo was so much better at this than her. “I’m sorry for accusing you of… well… you know.”

“It’s a sign of the times my dear. No one is trustworthy, especially men.” He smiled and turned back towards his table.

“Wait till he gets back to the table then ask the other bloke to dance.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll wait here. Dance for a song or two, give him your number, then we leave. Job done!” Michelle watched him arrive at his table. His wife was watching as he approached, but there was no other man. The couple kissed as he sat down. Michelle was just about to go and ask him what he was playing at, when another man approached the table. Fairly short and a little over weight, he was not exactly what Michelle had in mind. Never the less, she was going to go through with it. She stood up slowly and concentrated on walking as seductively as she could. Her hips swayed as she closed in on the man. Catching him just as he sat down having bought a round of drinks.

“Hi, I noticed you at the bar. I wandered if you’d like to dance?” He looked confused, Michelle could see why. In his mid thirties, he was short and round with dark hair parted on one side. Every inch of him screamed boring. She comforted herself with the knowledge that it was just a set up, all be it with good intent. Suddenly his face changed to one of revelation, a sudden understanding.

“Oh right sure. I’d love to.” He pulled himself from the chair and followed her to the dance floor. She waited for him to catch up then turned to face him. Stepping to the beat of the music she swayed slightly, never looking away from her ’partner’. He began to dance, it was jerky and not exactly in time. Certainly not seductive.

“Listen I know they put you up to this,” Michelle gave him a quizzical look still playing her part. “I know they asked you to do this. Listen, I know I’m not in your league. Hell you’re fucking gorgeous and I’m short fat and round. I wasn’t always this shape, guess I let myself go when I got married. That’s why she left me, because I became fat and useless.” His words sent mixed emotions through her. On one hand the compliment had massaged her bruised ego, but on the other it hurt to see him put himself down.

“So why didn’t she just ask you to diet?”

“I don’t know, maybe she tried. Maybe I didn’t listen enough.” Something inside her screamed out. The knowledge of how one person can wear another down into their beliefs. Moulding a persons view of themselves.

“Stop it,” The words were so harsh even Michelle was taken back by herself. “ If she loved you she would love you no matter what your shape. If she loved you she would have told you about the problem rather than running off. You’re trying to make it all your fault. I suppose if she ran off with another man that would be your fault for not paying her enough attention?”

“Well I did get engrossed with work. You know, late nights and stuff.”

“Jesus, I don’t believe I’m hearing this. She left you for another man?”

“Well, he sort of… seduced her I guess.”

“Bullshit. She ran off with another man because you weren’t a big enough trophy. Whilst you were working so hard did she ever complain? Did she ever say ’listen husband, I’m not interested in your money. I want you home more often’? No and did she get a share of that money when you split up? Yes. She used you and took your money. Don’t make excuses, she’s a bitch!” He looked shocked and quite frankly, so was Michelle. Where the hell had that come from? Too many years making up excuses for Paul maybe. Inside she felt a regret, after all, what did she know of love. Was it just a word? Did people ever really mean that much to each over? “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business, but none of this is your fault. You need to let it all go and start again.” Michelle held his hand as he stared at the floor. “You look like a decent bloke, you deserve better.”

“I don’t want better. I want my wife back.” His eyes were misted and far away. Suddenly his gaze was on her again. “But you’re right. I was a meal ticket. A free ride, not that she ever did.”

“Ever did what?”

“Ride me.” A weak smile touched his lips. Michelle giggled her little schoolgirl giggle. “You’re right. I do need to lay the past to rest. I just feel like…” He hung his head to hide the tear that flowed down his cheek.

“My ex used to beat the living hell out of me. Every time it was my fault. I’ve just started putting my life back together. When you’re ready you’ll know about it. Just take it easy ok.” He nodded and wiped away the tear with a finger. She led him back to his friends before walking back to her own table and scribbling down her number under the approving eye of Jo. Again she walked to the round man’s table. “Listen, if you ever need to talk, just call me. One day you’ll wake up and be someone new. When that day comes you may need someone to help re invent yourself. You see that woman over there,” She pointed to Jo who waved back “Yesterday I was wearing the clothes of a granny. Today I’m me again. It may be different for you, but I know you’ll come through. So if you ever need someone to talk to just phone me.” The man’s tears had stopped.

“Thank you. I guess I just needed an outside opinion. Thank you.” Michelle said her goodbyes to the party before heading back to her own table. Jo smiled knowingly as she approached. And inside Michelle was beaming too. The feeling that she was not alone, that there were others that she could relate to. At the refuge she had met a few women, but they had never spoken of their feelings or how their situation had come about.

“So did you pull?” Michelle ignored her. She was thinking of how badly the poor man had been treated, and then to turn it all on himself, but then she knew all about that. “Michelle, hey are you alright?” Michelle looked at Jo and smiled. “What’s up?”

“Did you pity me when you saw me?” Jo seemed taken aback.

“Not really, I didn’t know you. You just looked like you could use a friend. Why?”

“At first I thought you did. But when that bloke started telling me about his ex wife, I just felt… protective. Is that how you felt?”

“A bit. Look it doesn’t really matter does it. I mean, I’m glad I did talk to you, isn’t that what matters? The fact that we get on so well, isn’t that a good thing?” Michelle’s smile grew into a grin.

“Come on, where are we going next?” Jo put her arm through Michelle’s elbow and off they went, drifting from place to place. Clubs, pubs and bars they toured them all. Enjoying the attention but never letting them get too comfortable. Michelle’s confidence grew as the night marched on.

“Right, now to find a man for the night.” Jo scanned the contents of the club as they entered.

“What, now?” Michelle suddenly felt intimidated.

“Well I wouldn’t leave it till tomorrow night.” She chuckled before noticing the look of concern on Michelle’s face. “Hey, come on. Don’t fail me now.” She reached out and lifted Michelle’s head to look in her eyes. “Take a look in the mirror girl, you’re delicious and there are hungry men out there.” She looked deep into Michelle’s eyes and smiled as she felt the confidence oozing from her friend.

“I know. I’ve got to do this. I’m just a little nervous.” She bit her lip, regaining her resolve. This would not beat her! “Come on let’s do it.” For the first time that evening Michelle took the lead. She pushed herself through the crowd towards the bar and ordered up two bottles of lager. The drinks she had consumed over the course of the evening had laid waste to her self consciousness. Even so she had not drunk enough to be completely free, and to do so would probably result in unconsciousness. Right now that sounded like a good idea to Michelle. She handed a bottle to Jo and took a long swig from her own.

“Don’t know any girls who drinks lager hmm.”

“In for a penny…” She took another long swig before eyeing up the local talent. She was running the events of the evening through her head, treating this last bar as a test. Just a test. An exam, if she passed she would be truly free of Paul’s grasp. Free, God how did that feel. Determined now she looked more carefully for her quandary. Finally, she spotted a couple of lads drinking in a corner. Both were fairly good looking but, by the looks of it, a little shy. She turned to Jo and pointed. Jo nodded in agreement. They made their way over, as they drew closer Michelle took in the details. They were both about twenty five. Dressed in trousers and shirts, one red, one white. They were both a little under six feet. One had dark hair, one had blond. The dark haired man looked up as they approached, nudging his friend as if he had seen a ghost.

“Hello boys, mind if we sit down?” The words rolled from her tongue with an ease that surprised her.

“Yeah sure, can I get you some drinks?” The blonde man said whilst the dark haired man seemed to be dumbstruck.

“I’d love another beer.” She said before downing the last of her current bottle.

“That would be great.” Jo followed suit.

“Great, my name’s Robert, this is David. I’ll just go and get those beers.” He almost sprinted to the bar as the girls sat down.

“So Dave what do you do?” Michelle leaned forward to show a little more cleavage. The move was subtle but effective, Jo noted her move and smiled to herself.

“We’re just plumbers.” He was feeling extremely uncomfortable now, but not unpleasantly so.

“Here we are, two beers for you, one for me and stout for you.” He placed the drinks in front of the owners. Michelle imagined him up at the bar desperate to get back before his mate screwed things up. The two men began to take a sip of the cold drinks.

“Good with your hands then?” Michelle timed the question to perfection. Both men chocked on their beer. Robert giving David a questioning look as if to say ’what the hell did you tell them’.

“Well, you know, no better than any other plumber.” David recovered quickly but his face was showing just how embarrassed he was.

“Well Dave,” Michelle leaned right in to give him a perfect view of the goods, “I’ve got this problem with my plumbing. Maybe you could come round and sort it out for me. I think it just needs a few good thrusts!” Robert nearly dropped his pint glass, Dave was in shock.

“Who… What needs… err thrusting?” Dave was looking more and more uncomfortable. Michelle decided to put him at ease.

“My drains, I think they’re blocked.” Both men relaxed but not much. Michelle smiled at them. Dave realised what she was up to and retaliated.

“Could be that you need a good stiff brush in there.” Michelle and Jo laughed, David smiled and Robert looked confused and worried. As the penny dropped his face split into a smile and he relaxed. The conversation began to flow now, about their jobs, their lives, their interests. After a while Jo and Michelle made their excuses and went to the powder room.

“What the hell was that?” Jo said with a huge grin across her face.

“You think it was too over the top?”

“No it was fantastic. I’m impressed.” They chatted for a while and made plans to invite the boys back to Jo’s apartment for a nightcap. After some re application of make-up they returned to the table. There they stayed for one more round on the boys. At a quiet place in the conversation, Jo began to run her fingers up and down her beer bottle, Roberts’s eyes were transfixed.

“Me and Michelle, well, we were wondering if you’d mind walking us home? Maybe you could come in for coffee or something.” She lifted the bottle to her mouth and took a swig of beer, pushing the bottle further into her mouth than was required, then easing it out. Both Dave and Rob were hypnotised.

“Yeah, why not.”

“I think we could manage that.” Both of them were in a fluster. Michelle guessed they didn’t get approached that often, but then she preferred the shy type. In a few moments they were strolling out of the club and down the street. Jo pushed her hand into Rob’s as Michelle linked arms with Dave. Chatting and laughing they made their way to Jo’s apartment.

Jo opened the door and Rob almost fell in behind her. Dave stopped and motioned Michelle in.

“Ladies first.” He announced. Michelle’s tummy was fluttering. She wasn’t sure if it was the nerves or something more. Still she pushed herself on. Forcing an air of relaxed ease.

“If I were a lady you wouldn’t have got this far.” She pointed out before following the other two inside. Dave followed her to a settee and sat down beside her.

“So what would you like?” Jo walked over to the drinks cabinet and opened the door. She pulled down four glasses and turned to face the rest of the group.

“I’ll have a scotch, no ice please.” Rob said as his eyes followed her legs and upward slowly, enjoying every inch.

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Dave casually threw his arm around Michelle’s shoulder. She could feel him tensing up, as if he were waiting for her to complain. It seemed funny, here they were, both feeling out of their element. And yet they both put on a mask of confidence.

“I’ll have a Baileys please” She said as Jo began pouring the drinks and passing them over. She picked up her own glass of vodka and sat down on Robs lap, swinging her legs up onto the empty space on the settee next to him. Sipping her drink, Michelle noticed that Jo’s hand had moved down to Robs trousers. She was smiling at him whilst rubbing him through his clothing. Robs eyes were full of a mixture of lust and confusion. Bless, she thought, he’s probably never been approached and manhandled quite so aggressively. She turned to look at Dave who quickly looked away like a child caught with his fingers in the sweet jar. She realised that he now had a perfect view straight down her top. She smiled, her heart melting at his naivety.

“It’s ok.” She whispered. “You are allowed to seduce me.” He looked shocked, a rabbit caught in the headlights. His lust told him to go for it, his mind told him to be cautious. At the same time Michelle’s own feelings were mixed. At this moment she just following Jo’s lead. But should she? Inside she admonished herself. Now was the time to be free. “I promise I won’t bite, well not too hard.” She moved up against him and kissed his neck whilst running a hand over his belly and down to his groin. Jo stood up and led Rob by the hand into her bedroom. Dave caught hold of Michelle’s hand after the other two had left.

“Hey it’s ok. They won’t be back for a while.” She looked into his eyes.

“It’s not them. Well it is them. Oh god. Look I have…trouble with… it.” Michelle could see he was falling apart inside. His eyes showed every ounce of pain as he fumbled for the words. He was waiting for her to ridicule him. “I only came here because I didn’t think it would go this far. I thought Rob would have stopped it.”

“He knows?” Dave nodded “And he left you here with me?”

“I’m sorry, I know you’re disappointed. Look I’ll just go.” As he rose to leave Michelle pulled him back into the settee. She wasn’t even sure what she felt now. Not pity, sympathy maybe. The look in his eyes made her heart bleed. She felt, for the second time tonight, a need to protect.

“Do you like girls?” He nodded. “Do you like watching girls?” He nodded again biting back the tears, waiting for the fun making. “Do you find me attractive?” A plan was forming in her head. Her insecurities and every essence of her being told her to hold back, but she was clinging to the fear and sadness in his face. Using it to steady her resolve.

“More than anyone I ever knew.” He looked at her with longing and hurt. She straddled his legs kissing his neck. Wrapping one arm around his neck she held him cheek to cheek with her.

“There’s more than one way to please me.” She whispered. Amazed at her own actions. And yet his misery fuelled her. She could feel the tears flowing down between them. Pulling back she held a finger to his lips. “No need for that. We’re going to have fun no matter what. Ok.” Once again he nodded, but the tears still seeped from his eyes. “Now relax. Just relax.” He breathed deeply and opened his eyes. Her perfume heightened his senses and he felt aroused, but still nothing happened. She kissed him on the mouth before standing up and moving away. Once again he looked confused, she smiled at him. “Just relax and enjoy whatever happens. She turned on the stereo and started to dance, swaying gently. Slowly she began to run her hands over herself, up over her belly, her breasts and then down between her legs. Catching the hem of her dress she lifted it slightly showing her thighs and briefs. Dave’s jaw dropped as she continued to move around provocatively touching herself. In the back of her head her conscience screamed at her ‘What the hell are you doing?’ But she couldn’t stop now. Suddenly a revelation hit her. She could stop now! She could do whatever she wanted to at this moment. She held this man in the palm of her hand. The sense of power gave her confidence, but at the same time she knew she could not, or would not abuse it. More than anything she wanted to protect him, to shield him from the uncaring world. “Are you comfortable there Dave?”

“Yes.” The answer came as a whisper. It was all he could give. His emotions ran from arousal to fear as he watched this beautiful girl dance for him, just for him. She moved to the lights and dimmed them before returning to her dance, pulling one arm clear of the dress and then the other. She held the dress up covering her chest, before slowly, tantalisingly peeling it down to reveal her firm breasts held in her bra. The dress hit the floor and Michelle stepped clear. Dave’s eyes were transfixed on her half naked body. Michelle held her own insecurity in check, hoping that the scars were not visible in this dim light. She started to touch herself more firmly. She slipped her hands up behind her back and released the bra slipping it off over her arms. She looked at Dave.

“Do you like what you see?” The question she wanted to ask was ’can you see my scars’ but this was for him. Not for her own vanity and confidence. Dave nodded. “Why don’t you take your clothes off, it’s only fair.” Begrudgingly he removed his shirt, trousers, socks and boxers. Still nothing was happening. Michelle saw his eyes dart down to his groin and then back to her with a pleading look. “Have you ever danced with a naked woman before?” He shook his head and she motioned him over. She changed the CD for something a little slower. He stood still, scared that at any moment she would turn nasty and laugh at him. “There’s something intimate and special about dancing together naked.” Her voice was barely a whisper, and laced with seduction. She pushed up to him, her arms wrapped around him, her head on his chest. Slowly she began to sway with the music. Dave’s hands were still at his side. Slowly he relaxed and put his arms around her. He was in heaven. He could feel her gentle breathing on his chest, her skin resting on his, her breasts pushing into him, but there was sadness too. He began to shake as he fought back the tears. Michelle realised what was happening. “It’s ok, just let it go, let it out. Tell me all about it. Tell me whatever you want.” Suddenly the damn broke. His body shook as he sobbed.

“What’s wrong with me? Why won’t it work?” His gentle sobbing voice was full of desperation. More than anything now Michelle wanted to bring him comfort. Maybe she could find a solution, but more than that, she wanted him to be comfortable with himself.

“Have you seen a doctor?”

“How can I. I have enough people laughing at me. I don’t need to hear it from a doctor.”

“I’m not laughing, am I. Have you always had trouble?” She began to wonder if she was prying, but his body seemed to relax a little.

“No, I can do it if I’m on my own, but the first girl just laughed at me. The second got so mad she just walked out and told the whole world.”

“Well I’m not going to tell anyone. As I said we’ll just find another way.” She leaned back and pulled him into a passionate kiss. They continued to dance holding each other close. As the song finished Dave sat down and pulled her to him. Once again she straddled his legs as they continued to kiss. His hands ran down the side of her neck and down over her breasts. He was inexperienced but his passion more than made up for it.

“What do you want?” He whispered in her ear.

“I want you to enjoy yourself. If I don’t like it I’ll let you know.” He pulled her to him and laid his head on her chest. Michelle was surprised. She had expected him to rush straight in. She held his head close, stroking his hair. His hands ran up and down her back.

“You feel so soft” he whispered, “Like silk.” She prayed he would not feel her scar. I can hear your heart.” His hands slipped lower, down over her buttocks. She looked down at him as his head rose from her chest. Once more he pulled her into a kiss, more gentle this time, more loving. His hands continued to roam, one up to her neck, one down outside her thigh. The gentleness of his touch made her shiver, not the earth shacking screaming orgasm kind of shiver. The goose bump kind of shiver. There was no rush for satisfaction just a slow, relaxed pleasure that Michelle had never experienced. He kissed her neck, moving his hand from her breast to trace the line of her shoulder. Slowly he ran his hands all over her body. Michelle’s hands were busy too. She mirrored his actions, gently stroking his hair and tracing her fingers down his chest she came to his groin.

“Does that feel alright?” The response was delayed.

“It feels good, but nothing’s happening.” His voice carried a note of desperation again.

“It doesn’t matter as long as it feels good.” she moved one hand to his chest and gently flicked her nails over his nipple. He gasped with pleasure. She smiled at him as he writhed under her. Slowly she leaned forward and kissed his cheek, pulling his hand away from her she lead him to the ties at the side of her briefs. He fumbled to get them undone before pulling them away. A small bomb exploded in her head sending waves of pleasure through her as he continued to explore. His other hand slipped down her back and over her buttocks. Again she quivered. His movements were slow, almost soothing. There was no frantic, passionate rush, Michelle loved it. As she tried desperately to keep control, she felt his penis becoming firmer in her grasp. She screamed as the orgasm ripped through her. With one hand massaging him and the other wrapped around his neck she panted. The pleasure running through her in waves, not a rushed crescendo but a long flowing, almost unbearable, euphoria. She panted as the feeling subsided, leaning into him for support. His hands ran up her back once again. They sat there for a few moments, Michelle breathing heavily on Dave’s shoulder. His erection was still firm in her hand. She pulled herself up and kissed him. “Looks like something came up.” She said, hinting towards his groin.

“I don’t know if it’s needed.” They both laughed quietly, nervously.

“Well seeing as it made the effort maybe we should take this to bed.” She led him to the spare bedroom, each clutching their discarded clothes. Once inside the bundles were dropped as the two embraced and caressed. Both now at ease and relaxed. The only light in the room came from the city outside. As Dave reached for the light switch Michelle pulled him down onto the bed. “Moonlight is more romantic” There they lay side by side, caressing, exploring each other. They did not talk, the only noise was the occasional moan or sigh. After a few minutes Michelle leaned into Dave.

“Make love to me.” Her voice was almost pleading. He felt sick. What if he couldn’t do it? She felt his hesitation. “It doesn’t matter, just relax.” She paused to run her hand down his cheek. “Listen,” she reached up to cup his face in her hands, turning his head to look at her. “I’ve never been touched like this before. Every man seems to be in such a hurry to finish. It’s all passion and no…” She scrabbled for a word.

“No feeling?” She smiled at him. She rolled onto her back pulling him close to her side. He leaned in to kiss her and she responded.

“Feel free to start all over again. I’ve never had an orgasm quite like that.”

“Really?” Resting on his elbow he slid his other hand up over her belly. She shuddered, goose bumps rising on her skin. His hand moved up to brush over her breasts, pinching them slightly between his fingers. “Why are you being… like this?” Michelle looked at him and smiled.

“Like what?”

“You could do better than me. You could at least find someone with a dick that works.”

“I’m enjoying myself, what more could I ask for?” The sentiment was true. Perhaps his own inhibitions countered hers. She felt in control, powerful.

“I just… I feel like a charity case. You don’t have to waste your time. I’m used to it. Every girl I ever… tried with, they just laughed. You don’t…” She reached up and held her fingertips across his mouth.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. You had an erection tonight.”

“Yeah, had.” He rolled away onto his back. She followed him, laying her head on his chest. Gently she stroked his stomach.

“You need to relax, that’s all. You have trouble because you’re so worried about it.” She pulled herself up to kiss him. He responded, but only half heartedly. His face full of thought his hands began to run up and down her spine. She shivered again and he held her closer, his other hand stroking her hair. “It really doesn’t matter. Christ, if it means doing the same thing again tonight I’m game. Even if that’s all that happens.” His hand moved down her back and over her bum, coming back up her thigh to her belly. She rolled onto her back as he rose to his elbow again. Running his hand back up over her breast. He leaned in and kissed her neck. She began to feel the rush of pleasure through her body as his hands explored. Reaching for his penis she found it hard already. He juddered with pleasure he had never known before. Michelle felt the moment was right. “Have you got a condom?” He reached over her to the bedside table, fumbling with his clothes before passing her the sealed condom. She opened and applied the rubber sleeve. For someone who was so nervous about the bedroom department he had ample equipment, so much so that Michelle had some trouble applying the condom. As soon as it was on she wasted no time. Swinging one leg up and around his buttocks she pulled him to her. Before he had time to worry about any failings of his equipment he was inside her. Her breath came as a long rasping sigh. He was running on instinct now, holding her close. Her hands wrapped around his lower back pulling him in deeper to her. He moved rhythmically, his actions slow and tender. She moaned. The orgasm grew as his hand slid down her side to hold her thigh. She closed her eyes and succumbed to the pleasure, starting to scream as the orgasm flowed through her. Uncontrollably she jerked, her body overloaded by pleasure. Her nails embedded into his skin. The scream became a series of high pitch gasps as orgasm after orgasm tore through her. He pulled himself up, his arms outstretched, his hands resting either side of her. She opened her eyes to look at him. His movements were becoming erratic, still slow but not rhythmical as before. His eyes were closed and he looked completely at ease. She reached up and stroked his face as her body tensed for another orgasm. She opened her mouth to scream but nothing came out except a high pitched squeal. He gasped as his own pleasure peaked. He remained there, held up on shaking arms until she pulled him to her. His eyes remained closed as she held him close, her fingers running up and down his back. Suddenly, Michelle was aware of moisture on her cheek. Dave was silently weeping. “What’s wrong? “

“I don’t know, I don’t fucking know. I just feel…relaxed.” She smiled and squeezed him closer, still feeling him inside her. His head was spinning. For all this time he had thought the problem was him, his body failing him. Now he knew it was just his mind, his fear. The relief mixed with pleasure and amazement was too much to handle. Here he was with this beautiful woman who had the patience and the time to lay his fears to rest. “I just feel like… oh god I feel alive.” He pulled away and removed the condom as Michelle clambered under the covers. Dave joined her leaning in to kiss her. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Taking the time. Being understanding. Giving a shit.”

“It’s not like you had all the fun. I enjoyed it.” Michelle was sated, both physically and mentally. The idea of a one night stand had always seemed shallow to her. Sex was the ultimate closeness, not to be wasted on strangers. However, this stranger was different. He had made her feel as if she were the centre of attention, whilst at the same time she knew she had helped him. Maybe even cured him. The thought lifted her spirits, leaving a warm glow in her chest.

“I thought I’d never be able to. I thought it was… physical.” Michelle looked at him.

“You mean you were a virgin?” She paused, “Well yeah, I guess you would have been.”

“I ’spose you think I’m pretty sad.” Michelle felt him tense. She sat up twisting to face him. In all honesty she thought it was sweet, but even in her head it sounded condescending, so her thoughts moved on. She was gazing into his eyes now. His body was relaxed, calm, but she could see turmoil in those irises. Suddenly she felt a pang of anger.

“No, I don’t think you’re sad. I think it’s pretty sad that girls laughed at you. I think it’s pretty sad that your mate left you in this situation. I think it’s sad that nobody’s been able to help you before. Nobody has ever… done that to me before.” Her face lowered, the words carrying a truth she hadn’t even contemplated.

“What do you mean?” She hesitated, trying to organise her thoughts

“No one ever made me feel… special. Sex was just sex, making love was nothing more than sex. I was just for… sex.” Suddenly she felt dirty.

“Then they missed out on something beautiful.” He sat up and held her to him, rocking gently as she sobbed in his arms. “You are special, you’re worth more than that. More than me.” He trailed off into a whisper. They sat there for a few minutes before they heard a knock at the door. It was Rob.

“Dave, Dave.”

“What?” He tried to bite back his anger.

“I’m going home, you commin’ or what. Well I guess you’re not coming. Not with your problem an all.” They heard him sniggering to himself. “But are you coming back to my gaff?” Michelle flew off the bed grabbing the dressing gown from behind the door. She reached to open the door but Dave was there already holding it shut. A rage burned in her eyes the tears amplifying it. Jamming the door with his foot he reached out and held both her cheeks directing her gaze at him. Her face softened as she looked at him. “Dave, you commin’?”

“Hang on.” He leaned in and kissed her. Her heart was racing. She didn’t want him to leave. She almost felt like pleading with him. “Listen I’m going to go.” She held it inside but he could see it in her eyes. “I need to sort this out. I need some space to work out how I feel. Maybe you do too.” He kissed on the forehead. “Can I come and see you tomorrow?”

“I don’t live here but I should be here for a while. Jo’s got my phone number.” She bit back the tears “He’s a bastard. You should sort him out.”

“It’s on my agenda.” Then he left. No goodbye, nothing. Michelle sat on the bed, tears streaming down her face. Why did she feel like this? He was just a man. This was not in the plan. It was just fun. Somewhere inside she knew he was not coming back, and it hurt. Had she been used? She lay down and cried herself to sleep.