Big and Bootiful Decisions

Brianna stepped into the rain, opened her umbrella and walked down the street with her eyes to the ground, deep in thought. It was six months since Steve had left her… and yet it still felt like it only happened yesterday. Every day she felt the pain and loss of the man she loved; and the marriage she was happy in.

Even though she was trying to live a normal life she was struggling. The mask was starting to slip, unsure she could keep up the pretence that everything was fine anymore. The financial burden of keeping on top of the bills when income dropped from two to one wage packet was a big issue right now. Her job as a part time Florist Assistant just wasn’t paying enough for her to survive. The loneliness was gnawing away at her, every night she missed the feel of his body lying beside her. She missed the sex, the intimate moments and the companionship, his laughter and simply his presence in her life.

What had she done to deserve all this overwhelming heartache, fear and loneliness?

She looked up briefly to cross the road and in that glance, she clocked the cars, pedestrians, and dogs - out walking with their owners, and maneuvered herself to avoid them all as she continued her journey. She didn’t want to speak to anyone, or to be acknowledged. She wanted to believe she could slip by un-noticed… invisible; but, she was a big girl, and people noticed big girls whether for the good or the bad. She had been large her whole life and had lived with the name calling, the bullying, the rejection, and the isolation, almost her whole life too. She was chubby as a young child, a size sixteen to eighteen in her teens and a size twenty-two to twenty four by the time she was twenty. Even her friends sometimes made comments, thinking they were helping her or encouraging her to get thin, when really, they were not.

Just the other night her friend, Stacey, had commented on Brianna’s body shape while sat in their circle of friends on a catch-up night out discussing shopping. Stacey’s words came sharply to the front of her mind, no matter how much she didn’t want to hear them again.

“You know, Brianna, if you lost a bit of weight you would be able to shop anywhere you wanted.”

Brianna blinked over at Stacey; a momentary pang of resentment coursed through her, and then ebbed away. She was used to this attitude from people.

“Stacey, I am what I am and I like my body” she retorted.

“Tosh!” snorted Stacey. “Then why are you always dressed in baggy black and not out there strutting your stuff?” she laughed.

Brianna faked a smile at Stacey, fed up with the well-known line of questioning, “You know that’s not my style Stacey. I never strut, and for me black is stylish and practical.”

Stacey eyed her speculatively, “Brianna, we have known each other how long? 8 years? We both know that’s not true! I love you dearly but you don’t love yourself!”

Tears prickled and threatened to fall but Brianna kept them in check, as she pushed the thoughts back. Stacey was right – she didn’t love herself or her body. In her own eyes she was fat, pure and simple, and with Steve gone who was going to love her body now? She sighed deeply and shrugged herself further into her coat as though somehow it would help her disappear from the critical eyes she thought would be seeking her out.

When Steve came into her life he had been a breath of fresh air, everything she wasn’t used to. He was funny and trendy, slim and tall, a businessman yet a gentle and caring lover and eventually her best friend.

Dragging her conscious will, kicking and screaming, along for the ride, her subconscious flicked the pages of the Memory Book in her mind. She had stumbled on the street when a dog managed to position itself so she was between him and his owner. The lead was slack and wrapped around her calves, before she knew it she was falling, rather unceremoniously, through the air! Steve happened to be heading back to his car and had been in the right place at the right time to stop her complete demise to the ground; and she fell against him with a rib-cracking thud!

The first thing she heard was an intake of breath and then she felt this stranger’s arms fold around her. Her senses were assailed with the essence of Paco Rabanne Invictus cologne; she knew this because it was one of her favourite brands, fragrances were one of her obsessions. She had sniffed them all (both men’s and women’s), on occasion, in the shops using tester bottles.

“Are you okay?” a deep smooth voice enquired and suddenly, inexplicably, she felt safe. She was blushing deep red and embarrassed as hell. She pulled herself upright and apologized to him for tumbling into his arms. She could feel the amusement in his voice and blushed even more.

“I am so sorry! I tripped over the dog!” she lifted her head and stared into the most piercing blue eyes she’d ever seen!

Before she knew it, he was asking her out on a date, she couldn’t even remember exactly how it had happened! She was feeling light headed, yet tense, and very aware of this handsome man in front of her. It was all quite surreal as if it wasn’t happening to her – as if he had confused her with someone else!

As she continued her walk, the wind was getting harsher and the weather colder and her mind leapt forward to their first date. She remembered the laughter; the quickening beat of her heart when he looked directly into her eyes; his devout attention; the happiness that she felt when she realised he was only interested in what she had to say. She could see it in his indifference to the attitude or stares of others who turned to look at this handsome man sat with a large girl and obviously enjoying it. She refused to meet for a meal, as she hated eating in public; she felt like she was being forever judged for every forkful she put in her mouth, so they had met in a bar.

There was a band playing live – Reunion Boys – she remembered their rolling beat and playful tunes. She felt Steve’s fingers caress the back of her hand as the music filtered through her mind. He listened intently to her tale of the first time she met the wayward roommate she had been paired with at University. She blushed as his eyes jumped alive and sparkled at her embarrassment when she had walked in to two nude strangers having sex on one of the dorm beds. God why was she telling him this story!?

“You are really sexy when you blush, you can’t be that sweet and innocent surely” Steve had teased.

She laughed nervously, “I am! What you see is what you get.”

Steve found that comment hilarious. “I hope you aren’t TOO good Brianna. We all like to have fun!” he winked.

And there she went again, heat rose over her chest as unbidden images of having ‘fun’ with Steve swept across her mind!

She peeked at him under her eyelashes and thought of how lucky she was to be on a date with this guy. Yet, in the same moment, she was also thinking why? Why was he interested in her, a big girl? Why had he asked her out? He was handsome – he could have had so many other women far more stylish, slim and beautiful than her so why was he sat with her, making her feel like she was the only woman in the world?

In that moment, in the pouring rain it dawned on her, she would never get over Steve. She would never forget his kiss on her lips, his arms pulling her into him. That sweet aroma of Invictis would forever trigger her mind to conjure up the happy and intimate memories of life they had together. The times when she felt so happy and loved; their wedding day; the joyous honeymoon in the Canary Islands; where they did nothing but laze in bed making love.

Steve brought out the best in her personality, she had blossomed under his tender loving care. She put more thought into her appearance, became confident and outgoing, laughed more than she ever had in her lifetime previously, and loved deeper than she could ever imagine.

“Damn you Steve!” she whispered angrily. “Why? Why?” Without realizing it tears trickled down her cheeks, becoming indistinguishable from the raindrops falling from the sky. She was doomed to a lifetime of loving a man who could no longer love her back or keep her safe and happy.

Brianna vaguely became aware of the rain changing in intensity on her umbrella, heavy sploshy raindrops, the kind that fell under trees. She looked up, knowing instinctively where she was. She hesitated at the gates as her eyes followed the long meandering path up the slowly rising incline to the brow, which she knew flowed downwards on the other side to her destination. The trees were bowed forward over the gate, battered by winds, almost forming a leafy archway, to what she wondered, eternal suffering? Anger? Torment? Guilt? Loneliness?

No! She wouldn’t think like this today. Today she was coming to say goodbye, time to move on. She squared her shoulders and stood tall.

‘You can do this!’ She told herself. ‘Just get through today and everything will be ok.’

Brianna strode purposefully through the gate and followed the path to her destination. She spotted Steve through the trees, thick with droopy raindrops and spangled blossoms, and stepped off the path to move over to his side. She looked down at him, feeling him so close and yet so far away, too far for the rest of her life now.

She took the single red rose out of her bag and gently laid it on his tombstone. Her fingers caressed the marble and trailed along his name carved in the stone. She squeezed her eyes shut as unwanted images of his death flew into her mind. She wasn’t there when he died, and she should have been, but that didn’t stop her mind rolling out every little detail, some imagined and some fact, from the police. She wasn’t feeling great that night and had cried off attending the work launch with him.

It was a posh affair, one of Steve’s clients was launching a new advertising campaign and this was the ‘reveal’ event. If truth be told she didn’t want to mingle with fake smiles, judgmental glances and false friendships. She would much rather snuggle down in front of the fire in her Giraffe onesie with a good book, some cold relief, a spoonful of vix and a cup of cocoa, so Steve had gone alone – except he never made it. Some drunken idiot had driven head on into him and that beautiful light of his was snuffed out for good.

Images of his crumpled car flowed through her mind, her chest tightened in grief and a silent sob escaped her lips. Her imagination conjured up an image of Steve leaning forward over the steering wheel, his face serene as though he was asleep. She knew that wasn’t what really happened but the real thing was so shocking and horrific she couldn’t bear to imagine it. Brianna just wanted to remember him asleep, forever, never to awaken. Tears flowed down her cheeks, the enormity of what she had to do was bringing back all the raw pain in her heart.

Would she ever get over this? Ignoring the rain and the wet grass she sunk to her knees and hugged Steve in the only way she could, arms wrapped round his tombstone. Then she told him why she had come - what she had to do – and even though it hurt her so much it was time for her to start living and feeling again.