poems of a being

the colours

they used to be bright

and beautiful

but they’ve all got desaturated

i look around

and all i see

is different shades of grey

yelling at me

it’s all ashy

like a freshly burned down forest

it’s disgusting

and makes me sick to my stomach

the shining sun would brighten the colours up

but it is refusing to do so

i stare out the window

wishing i could edit my vision and turn up the saturation

but it doesn’t work that way

and i’m left wondering

how do other people see the colours?

do they look pretty all the time?

do they also see the grey undertones?

does it also make them depressed

to see the world turn such awful colours

i lean back in my seat,

watching the different fields and trees run past me

my vision is blurring

it’s filling with tears

tears which make me realize

how much i miss when it was all prettier

how much i miss the colours

i could wear brighter colours

to substitute the stolen ones from me

but i decide against it

for i like the darker ones

however

i highlight my texts with all the fabricated colours in the world

i rain my friends in all the happy colours

so that they don’t see the same things i do

because i know what that does to you

and i know how harsh and heavy the reality of all the grey tones is

and how it chips away at you

piece

by

piece

every day, taking a bit away from you

until you have nothing

and you’re left down on your knees

pleading with no one

to give them back to you

to stop you from seeing stuff in black and white

and stop seeing you all the grey

i lay on my bed

mourning after the colours i so miss

that i substitute with fake smiles and I’m okay’s

and laughter

which is real and sweet

until i realize it’s pre-written answers

which have nothing to do with reality

and are lies

i sit on the chair

hanging out with my friends

it’s all amazing

the colours look a bit brighter again

but then as i properly look around me

all i see are my friends’ blurry faces, smiling, laughing, having fun

slowly, slowly, it’s all becoming blurrier

what’s going on

i wonder

i don’t know the answer

and then as i want to get up and go to a mirror

the answer falls and rolls down my cheek

a salty answer

and suddenly

their faces are normal again

but they’re not laughing

not even smiling

they’re worried

they are all looking at me

oh god

I’m crying again

this time it crept up without me noticing

for i would’ve done something

but it’s not right

why now

why

why

why

.

.

.

why?

it was going to happen eventually

and it finally did

you’ve known for a good while

you wished they could see it

and now they can

they’re worried

explain it to them

they’ll understand

do it

do

it

.

.

.

i lean back in my chair

and accept reality

and i crave for someone to understand

or give me a hug

and tell me

that it’ll be okay

and that they’re there for me

and that the colours will be beautiful again

i just

please

tell me this even if it’s a lie

it burns

it burns to the point where it’s unbearable

i just want a hug from someone

a hug that can wipe out the whole world and fill that hole that’s been burned through me

please