Angel S. Adames Corraliza

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An atmospheric tale

The author succeeds in creating an appropriately creepy atmosphere for the story. The stillness of the world, the rot of the apartment, are evident in every chapter, lending the tale a creep factor that isn't found very often. That said, the direction of the story is not entirely clear, and chapters 2-4 create a kind of lull for the story. All that being said, it's a GOOD story so far, and one very much worth reading.

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A Good Haiku

The second line was a bit awkward, but it was a good Haiku. Thumbs up!

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A Super Strong Start

Sensational! As a fan of superheroes, I have to say, you have a real winner of a story so far. I like that you made Allison a Wonder Woman expy, but kept her likable and relate-able in this first chapter. You showed us the Mother while also glancing at the Superhero, which I think is important to help the audience relate to the character more. I also like that you are showing us the baby's superpowers, and by the way, fantastic details there. And of course, defying gender stereotypes by making the wife taller than the husband; that's rare in media, especially superhero media, where women are typically shorter than men. Good job on giving the tall girls some representation there! Will most certainly be looking forward to reading more of your story!

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A solid idea

It's your first story, and I'm sorry to say, it kind of shows. An advantage to the story is that it sounds like a teenager is narrating it; I think that, if you re-write the story from a first person perspective, you'll have yourself quite an interesting tale. The idea is solid: you can never go wrong with time travel. Try and get rid of all the technobabble terms you're using; they're very distracting. Unless you know it's important to the story, take it away. I want to see more of this romance wth Guinevere, and what King Arthur thinks. I want to see more from you, keep it up!

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I have no idea what the author was on when he came up with this idea

But I'd sure like some! Damn, just when you start thinking there's no new ideas out there, BOOM! You get find a hidden gem like this one!

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A fun idea

As a lifelong fan of Dragon Ball, having caught the show's original 1995 13-episode run on Fox, so of course I'll partake of reading a fanfic of the franchise. As far as fanfics go, this particular fic goes for that tried-and-true formula of exploring alternate realities to the franchise, but with the added spin of initially focusing on Pan and her OC twin brother.

The story 's biggest weakness is the grammar; some lines come off wooden, some come off wonky, and some sentences make little sense. But I can't call it unreadable, so there's that.

The fic's biggest STRENGTH, however, is how each character feels like they've got their own distinct voice, especially Pan and Gomen. The dynamic between the two is well explored, and many readers will find it a joy to read.

I can recommend this fic to DB fans!

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Not bad

The story was very atmospheric with its descriptions of darkness and flowers, plus the broken glass. It was pretty good.

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Too chilling for me

When it comes to horror, I believe that the absolute peak of the genre is the kind that spooks you so badly, you stop reading it so you can calm your nerves. THIS is one such book. I'm not one to be spooked easily; I've read my fair share of creepypastas and urban legends. So when I tell you that this book, in just one chapter, spooked me so badly I HAD to stop? I want you to understand that I'm not saying that willy nilly! This is the kind of story that horror fans are waiting for!

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An excellent start

This first chapter does EVERYTHING a starting chapter should do, and it does so perfectly. We've got our main characters introduced, we learn everything we need to know about them to understand their dynamics, AND we learn the MC's dilemma. And it's a GOOD dilemma, one anyone can relate to! And that ending, WOW! Hooks you into wanting to read more! How does Seth know Jacob's secret? It's great, it's fantastic, and I'm loving it! A thumb's up from me!

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A Strong Start

I like the focus on family, and the dynamic presented is not just believable, it's natural. This is a good read and I'm hoping for more.

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A little messy, but fun

This story reads like a fanfic, and that's both its greatest strength AND weakness.

First off, the weaknesses. The story as written doesn't allow one to paint a mental picture of the going ons of this world; things happen, characters talk, but we don't get a sense of the environment or atmosphere. This is due to a lack of sensory details; no description using sound or smell, and sight is only minimally used.

There is also the constant use of parentheses (both literally and figuratively) that slow down the plot so that the author can explain something quickly. An example would be the first chapter's use of a narrative parenthesis to tell us our hero's ages. I feel as though that was better off being explained earlier, when introduced to the characters.

I also don't understand the significant difference in powers between Holiday Girl and Fashion Woman. Surfer Man's OK, but our two heroines yet seem interchangeable.

OK, now I want to go into the STRENGTHS!

The story is fun. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. This story is fun to read, and I believe the reason for it is because it's written like a fanfic. Some authors might find such a statement to be derisive, but in this case, my intentions are to compliment. A fanfic, at the end of the day, is a passion project; something done for fun. This story reads like the author not only wrote it for fun, but she clearly had a blast writing it.

There's a youthful innocence to the writing style that is infectious and just grabs the reader, but this can only happen if the reader is willing to lower their expectations of what constitutes good writing. "A Tale of Two Cities" this isn't. It's FAR from a masterpiece, I'll be the first to admit it. But at the same time, a sort of grandeur sneaks up on it which makes the story worth a look over.

Overall I can say, with absolute certainty, that I absolutely enjoyed reading this entertaining piece. I can cautiously recommend it.

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A hard read, but solid story

Stories about families torn apart by their own greed are always a fascinating, if predictable, read. The story presented here was solid enough, but it really, really, REALLY needed a beta reader and editor.

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A fine story for fans of werewolves

Let me preface this by saying werewolves are not my cup of tea. That said, I attempted to be as impartial as I could in this review.

Full disclosure: This review covers only the starting chapter, as that is all I've read so far.

On this first chapter we meet our protagonist. What we need to learn about her is learned in three very quick paragraphs: she's a loner, she's fierce, and she's a werewolf. The author made a quick and effective impression in just three paragraphs, which is always a plus.

Furthermore, the author wasted no time setting up the main conflict of the story, which is always a plus when reading a novel of this caliber. There's no messing about with convoluted histories or terminologies; here's the conflict, here's the character, let's get crackin'. This is, in my opinion, a major plus in the author's and the story's favor.

That said, I must now go to the bad of this chapter. The author's writing style is quick, to the point, but at the same time, it doesn't paint a picture for the reader. We're told there's a small town, but we're not invited to imagine it. I could not get a sense of the environment surrounding our main character, which is a negative FOR ME, but could be a positive for other readers.

Overall, I say: this story isn't FOR ME, but I have reason to believe fans of the genre would find plenty to sink their canines into.

Pun intended.

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Fantastic

Although there were some writing errors here or there, they were little more than typos that did not, and could not, take away from one of the most brilliant sci fi stories I have ever had the pleasure of reading.

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