Melinde-Mari Venter

Abu Dhabi, UAE

I love writing poetry. I love water sports and animals. Star gazing, photography and singing are my hobbies! Join me for more on Patreon!

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Must Admit

I must admit that there is a huge change in the story by you having incorporated the first two chapters I had read, and changing it so drastically! It's better, by far better, than before!

Congrats!

(As for Grammar I must say that there is no problems, a few things you only need to double check, but nothing that deters the flow of reading!)

Advice I keep in the review is for you to remember:
A story should firstly have no flaws with it's writer before they can truly be happy that readers will be able to enjoy it!

And...
Just work on getting your own personnel touch to shine through!

It is like I read in the group chats where you explained that your characters are your very mirror image, that is a great start! You must be able to connect with each character to make sure their own personality show a certain uniqueness from each other, just make sure if they represent a part of you, don't let them blend too much that they feel like their the same characters!

So keep at it and you will soon fit your pen name in no time! "Master_Writer!"
- (Work on your style)

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A good start

Though I love your writing style; perfecting it is key!
Try finding some form of giving away more details without losing that poetic-historic sound to the way you write as well as keeping to that short quickness.

Example: "...Remembering what he was; A step back I took, and he bared his fangs..."

Changed that on line just to show you an example of how to keep it short-and-sweet.
Doing this you'll find you might want to write even more lines in as now your chapter would shorten and hence it is viable to add more details without an overload of information - something I'm still struggling with myself.

Writing a cross mythology novel - especially between Greek/Roman/Norse - it is important to remember that all the myths are told through poems; so it would be nice to keep to a poetic sense when heading into that mystic world when not in the modern day with Hanna (I'm presuming is you protagonist)

Also give some more thought to Punctuation though in historic poetry few is used; this is at the end of the day a modern tale - so adding some pauses would add to Hanna (as she read from the podium) picturing the scene before her giving the readers even more sense to what Hanna might be feeling as she reads.

NB!! Great job on the 1st re-write of ch 1! I could place myself perfectly in Hannah's predicament and feel her angst! And though not much changed in her speech/recital I could better feel her emotions having gotten a sense of who she is in the beginning! So really, really, REALLY well done!

These are just a few quick suggestion but nothing firm as only 1 chapter up and is really the only reason why I marked plot as a 3; but I know that it will be great hence why the 4 on overall!

You have a great start and I'm positive that as you continue to write there will be no denying that this review's rating is low!!!

So use it as motivation that there is a lot of potential waiting to burst from this what you are creating and go out over and beyond!

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More of a Drama

A dark sided drama with some thriller chills, but nothing too horrific.
Over all a great read and can be even greater with some proof reading and editing and adding on will definitely bring the story the attention it needs and perhaps deserves.

(An amateur beta reader would be able to bring a whole lot to the story to be improved)

I think that you can do a lot with this story if you take it to become more than just 3 chapter, adding in some more depth by letting the time unfold slower and show case more of Keira's life and interactions with people like that of her band, and even build on way her mother never mentioned anything though must have known that her deal with Death would realize no matter what she tried...
Even giving a more in depth telling of why the nurse was a cruel as she was and how Caroline grew up with her father being so close to her would make the readers feel more sympathy for all your characters' circumstances.

Doing this might bring more horrific moments in as well (perhaps, not too sure - not a actual horror person myself)

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Intrigued

Love the plot so far the 2nd chapter was a bit harder to follow since didn't yet snap what was going on, but got the grip on it from chapter 3 onwards.

So that's the only thing I can say is to change up the way the 1st two chapters (prologues) are written and even split the second as it is quiet long. Noticed a few mistakes such as she that was written uhe (or other) but can simply be from typing too fast, I tend to do the same a whole lot more.

Loved the chapters up till now.
Further suggestions I could make is:
Before Delta started 'going out' with Trison I hadn't had that sense she was as 'funny' as she came off from after meeting Trison.
Another is that when she is told about the 'Mr. Brown' and how Trison looks identical I would expect her to at least question the idea... As Brown had already tried to 'get acquainted' with her and then just after his failed attempts here comes Trison... And Trison even 'works' for Brown? Some building/questioning/doubts/or other factual truths to elude readers around that part could help a lot for the few people who can connect the dots a bit too fast sometimes, or in too many directions (I have several ideas where this might lead - and one sticks out really well for me that I would like to doubt a bit more to give a better sense of mystery)

I'm glad the Giant Za is 'kind' enough to respect Quist as he does at the end of Ch 14.

All in all I'm still intrigued by what lies on ahead for this tale.!!!

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Second Book! Yeah!

I loved the start of the first (though not finished yet), but now reading this I can't believe Jackson's dead!!!

Will have to catch up on my reading ASAP!

You have a great mind and imagination to have come so far!

Having read your very first chapter as it was written at the very beginning, I'm blessed to have seen you rise from the ashes and have come so far, You definitely found your own style and I can see you working to perfect it as what perfection means to you alone!

Still love your characters! They have so much personality!

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Not bad at all

I read the first chapter, and must say your English isn't so bad at all, though some sentences should be reconstructed to make it flow easier such as "Memories are never easily fade" Rewrite it as "Memories never fade easily" And there you go.

Another place I could find something you could consider to fix is "The lady come back in a minute with my coffee..." change to either "The lady came back within a minute with my coffee" or "Within a minute the lady came carrying my coffee." Again just to make it read easier.

I haven't read so far into it yet (Ch1. only), but I hope it is as good as it started and you have build on the first chapter forward to pull more readers.

Will re-review once I've read more.

Until then - Good Luck!

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Graceful

The words flowed great throughout the whole story and in the end I wished I could have read more...
There was no rush to an end and yet it ended too soon for Vael.

A wicked thing time and beauty is to all things mortal, yet graceful... as portrayed here in this story of 'Whitethorn'.

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Is okay

So there's really good promise in it becoming a good story, but it lack originality and I get a sense of trying too hard to sound 'medieval' and 'royal-ish'; which is a bit offsetting.

If you get someone good to read over and edit I can definitely see it through, but for now, it's just too... 'much' for me, to read more than the 4 chapters I've read.

Again there is promise, but right now, I can't see it being a star!
You definitely need to re-read and edit it and get a second pair of eyes on it.

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When can I read the rest?

Other than fixing a few grammar, with a re-read, I'd say I loved this!

It definitely gave me the feel that I could live myself into the story if only I could read more. That is saying something from me; I always live myself into a story, when I start it is hard for me tear myself away until it is finished.

This is one of those that I'd read all through the night just to finish, even when knowing 'I got to get up early!"

So when - CAN - I read more?

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