I must admit that there is a huge change in the story by you having incorporated the first two chapters I had read, and changing it so drastically! It's better, by far better, than before!
Read the story now
(As for Grammar I must say that there is no problems, a few things you only need to double check, but nothing that deters the flow of reading!)
Advice I keep in the review is for you to remember:
A story should firstly have no flaws with it's writer before they can truly be happy that readers will be able to enjoy it!
Just work on getting your own personnel touch to shine through!
It is like I read in the group chats where you explained that your characters are your very mirror image, that is a great start! You must be able to connect with each character to make sure their own personality show a certain uniqueness from each other, just make sure if they represent a part of you, don't let them blend too much that they feel like their the same characters!
So keep at it and you will soon fit your pen name in no time! "Master_Writer!"
- (Work on your style)