Him and I

ⓘ Mood: want to say a lot of things but, never mind.

✧.*

When I saw you

I fell in love,

and you smiled

because you knew

- William Shakespeare

✧.*

Why is it so hard to forget him and move on? Every single second, I start thinking about him, the times we spent together.

I cried myself to sleep last night. But sleep was too far away.

Why? What did I do wrong?

I can’t sit idle, my thoughts go back to him. I can’t even watch a show with my sister, I start zoning out. I can’t even read books without thinking about him. With all the romance the leads of the book have, my mind goes back to “us”, him, his smile, his eyes, his laugh, his voice, his everything.

His eyes which hide behind his glasses. The same eyes crinkle beautifully when he smiles or laughs. His hair pushed into place neatly.

There’s not even a single moment where he hasn’t crossed my thoughts.

I started drawing again after all my exams were done. Drawing always gives me some kind of peace. But now, that one thing just makes me think of him.

He loves drawing. In fact, we became close when this topic came up, during the “just friends” period. He even showed me his sketchbook. He draws *really* well. Better than me. He drew us too. The day when he asked me out ”Would you like to go on an ice cream date with me? “, was 3rd February. He drew that too. It was really pretty.

When I started drawing again, he used to ask me ”What did you draw yesterday, baby?“. And, I used to send a pic of my drawing. Now, I don’t have anyone to send my drawings to.

His future love is going to be really lucky. Cuz who won’t be lucky when a guy cares for you and loves you a lot?

Whether it be a simple tooth pain cuz of my braces or a cold. His care has no words. He makes an effort to check up on me every moment.

There was this one time I had really bad period cramps, even though he wasn’t here with me, one could see his care in his texts, clearly. He even gave tips to reduce the cramps.

Where will I find a guy like him? He is a gem. He truly is.

My day used to end with his Good Night’s and Love You’s. But now, he wants me to hate him so that it would be easy to move on.

Like seriously? How could I? One day I love him and the other day I should hate him?

It is so hard. It is so DAMN hard to forget him. He has become an integral part of my life. My whole day used to revolve around him but now it hits hard that we aren’t “us” anymore.

Now, it is just “him” and “I” with no connection in between.

Everything is done.

This chapter is done. It’s really hard to leave this chapter and move on to the next. This has become my favorite chapter even though it’s left hanging. It’s like, there’s some kind of bookmark on this chapter which and makes me re read it again and again.

I need to let go of this false hope that he will change his mind and come back to me.

Sometimes, I wonder if he even thinks about me like I do, now? Does he miss us? Did he really mean all those words he told me?

I wonder if he misses me like I miss him. If he thinks about me while he eats ice cream? Does he still remember that I love ice cream? He used to say ”You = Ice cream “. He said that it’s really hard to forget one of them.

It’s not fair that I’m thinking of him and he probably haven’t even thought of me.

Spotify playlist romance, parking lot meet up atrocities, library date, first kiss, Instagram late night texting, the novel we read together ( but never completed. He said that ”We started it together, we’ll end it together too, baby! " ), holding hands, night walks, warm hugs, ”I miss you " texts, contagious laughter, long eye contact, forehead kisses, his ”my baby blue " and many other precious moments.

All these cannot be recreated. Nobody could replace him. (this is what I feel, at least for now.)

There were moments when his presence, heck, his name was enough to make my lips stretch into a wide smile. Not gonna lie, there were times when his texts would make me blush uncontrollably.

I still remember the feeling I felt when I first started talking to him.

The times we used to talk, standing at the bus stop. Both of us secretly wishing for the bus to be late so that we could speak for longer time.

The times we used to stand close together and read the story which my best friend and I wrote in class. Seeing him smile or chuckle, I used to melt inside.

The times I used to beg him to show me his sketchbook. (which he finally showed me on our first date in the library.)

The time he made a special playlist for me on my birthday. All the songs expressed his feelings.

The times we used to update each other every single thing that has happened.

He made feel things I could never feel.

But, everything is done early before things got even more beautiful.

This is what he wanted. So, let it be.

But, please don’t forget me and all the things we did. Please.

I think I’ll miss him forever, like the sun misses the stars in the starry nights.

It’s hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

I was a lover. Now, the letter “v” is replaced by “n”.

Me + You = Never Again ??

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I just miss you. (a lot)