Blinking
Truly began the day by winking at her friend’s fiancé. She shrugged when her professor asked if she was paying attention. She rolled her eyes when her friend told her a story. She grunted as she tried to eat. She swore at people as she walked to class. She clapped when someone in front of her tripped. She ended the day willingly crying in her dorm room. It was another day of poor timing and Tourette’s Syndrome Tics. Each day was a surprise. What involuntary muscle movement would happen next?
“No, no, no!” she shouted, her hand over her mouth. She tried hard to keep the words from coming, but they forced themselves out. She then started clapping so hard the palms of her small hands tingled and burned. She opened her palms, and two tears landed on her now red skin. She then started blinking violently, making her world like a strobe light. She leaned back on her bed and clutched her tan forehead. She tried hard not to get dizzy. Her eyes opened and closed. Opened and closed. Dark to light. Dark to light. Like her thoughts that were often crueler than even the worst of Tics.
“What if they get worse?”
“What if I give this to my children?”
“What if I won’t be able to function alone?”
“What if I will have to give up my dreams?”
She sunk down into her bed, feeling her thoughts would soon smother her like thick smoke. They twirled and meshed with one another making her mind feel cloudy from the fog. It was suffocating. Thinking made Tics worse. And Tics made thinking worse. It was a draining cycle. She crawled under her covers, fighting against words her body wanted to shout. Instead, she made little noises, pressing her pink lips together as hard as she could. She pulled her blanket over her long dark hair. She couldn’t fight it any longer. “No, no, no!” she shouted. Around that time the alarm on her phone went off. An alarm was set to remind her to practice for an audition. Her college was holding a play in the spring. She groaned and buried herself further under her covers. She let her alarm go off and tried hard to tune it out. Tics was especially angry with her that day.
Truly and Tourette’s Tics had a long messy history. They first met when Truly was in the second grade. At first, she didn’t know who to blame when her little hand shook as she tried to hold her crayon. She didn’t know who to be angry with when she was bullied for unwillingly making funny faces. She was unsure who to despise when she was kicked out of her elementary school play for involuntarily saying dirty words. No one in her life had ever met Tics. Tics only showed himself to Truly. After a long year of Tics harassing Truly in secret, her parents finally had her tested. Her doctor knew exactly who Tics was and sadly did not know how to make him leave. There were ways to pacify him, but he always returned. After that Truly swore to forever loathe Tics and she considered him her arch-nemesis. She vowed to never get along with him. A truce would result in closed curtains.
“No,” Truly said to herself, “Tics may be stubborn, but so am I.” She got out of bed and picked her script off her desk. She opened her script to a monologue by the lead character. She stood in front of her full-length mirror. She glared into her own hazel eyes with a deep determination.
“Grief?” she read from the script, “You would like that, I’m sure. No, I know you killed him. I broke your heart, so you felt like you had to break mine. You couldn’t stand seeing me happy…” Truly’s words fizzled out as she watched her free hand shake. She tried hard to ignore Tics and continued reading. “It made you sick to see me free of your vicious rule over my life. You loathed watching me alive and in love. You killed him so I would be as miserable as you. Guess what? I...” Truly was distracted by her free hand, which was now snapping loudly. She shook her head, and once again tried to ignore Tics. She continued reading. “I will not let you make me miserable. You may have taken my youth, you may have taken my Robert, but you will not take away my life. I will live and I will live joyful– Ugh!” Now she was blinking again. She searched for her bed frame with her hand, and when she found it, she pulled herself over to her mattress. She sat down and buried her head in her hands. “No, no, no” she shouted. She fought tears. After a moment of self-pity, she stiffened her lip and sat up. “This will pass,” Truly assured herself. Tics came in waves. The waters always eventually stilled. There were some days that she had hardly any visits from Tics at all. Tics was just angry that day, and retaliation would only make him worse. Giving in would only give him what he wanted. Ignoring him was her best tactic.
Truly spent the rest of the evening fighting to get through the monologue. After many hours of trying, failing, and trying again, Truly had one good read-through. It wasn’t just good, it was great. She may have had a rough start to her day, but it ended well. She had success. She was determined to not only make it into her school’s play but to also take the lead.
