🦋
❝Don't think about anything.
Don't say anything, not even a word.
Just give me a smile.❞
There I was. Standing with no particular expression, I somehow couldn't afford to get close. I was looking for a way to talk to you without seeming desperate I never believed in love at first sight until I saw you from my seat.
Yes, a cliché, in this universe or any other. I guess I couldn't help but start feeling things for you. I knew you would lead me to my downfall, anyway you never stopped being a necessary evil in my life.
You always wore your sweater at all times the only time you took it off was to watch PE class; which you weren't very good at by the way. Despite that, you always had a smile on your face, a smile that in my opinion dazzled even the darkest and most remote places in the world. Even on my worst days it made me cheer up knowing you were happy.
You motivated me to be better, wanting to be at your level was my number one priority.
Although in my mind I also fantasized thousands of unimaginable scenarios: What would it feel like to hold hands? How would it feel to confess our love to each other? What would it feel like to have a hug from you?
I just wanted to do that with you.
❝I still can't believe it.
All this seems like a dream.
Don't try to disappear.❞
I don't know how I did it, I guess your friend made you start talking to me. When I least realized she was already part of her group, belonging to the same group as you caused me unique sensations, since you were paying attention to me. You found my talks about tennis, my family, my cat, everything fascinating. Nothing was boring or uninteresting for you, it was just magnificent. Listening to you talk about anything was a delight for my ears, because no matter what it was, you managed to make me interested in any topic you were going to talk about.
You contributed a lot to the conversation, even more than me, who was supposed to want to know everything about you. I wanted you to consider me someone important in your life, someone to trust and count on for anything.
I still remember when we exchanged numbers, we talked all night long, I didn't mind staying up late or being scolded by my parents for not getting enough sleep. For me, it was all worth it.
❝Is it true? It's true?
You, you...
You are so beautiful, that I am afraid.
Is a lie? Is a lie?
You, you, you...❞
We became closer than I imagined, I thought that this could only happen in my dreams.
You accompanied me to go home if my parents couldn't come to pick me up, you even went to visit me when I was working, you helped me when I didn't understand an equation or a text. At all times you gave me your support in everything I did, I think I will never finish thanking you for what you did for me.
I began to notice strange things, the more I got to know you and the more you trusted me, the more things came to light.
It never crossed my mind that there was a secret behind that facade. Which he didn't fully understand.
You didn't like to talk about it, when I tried to ask you you always answered me with a dry and discouraged voice. I didn't want to pressure you. I had to respect the fact that you weren't ready to bring it up. Anyway, that didn't stop my feelings towards you from gradually growing. I wanted with all my strength to love you and be loved, receiving your affection was the perfect gift for any occasion.
You awakened that side of me that I did not know, I was always willing to do whatever it takes to ensure your well-being.
But nevertheless...
There were things that got out of hand.
❝Will you stay by my side?
Will you promise me?
If I let go of your hand, you could fly away and break.
I'm afraid, afraid of that.❞
I couldn't afford to be a coward. After spending so much time wondering what I should do, I came to the conclusion that I had to be honest. Confess my feelings. My nerves were through the roof, coincidentally it started to rain that day which for me was a bad omen but I couldn't back down.
I can't stand being your friend anymore, I want to be more than that. I want to be your girlfriend.
I could see that expression on your face, an expression I will never forget from the way your features formed into a face of shock and discomfort. Seeing that I already knew what my answer would be, my eyes crystallized but I didn't let a single tear shed, I didn't want to make you feel guilty for not feeling the same.
You just said that you were flattered by my proposal, but you couldn't reciprocate in the same way.
I collapsed as soon as I got home. I felt that my world and entire universe were ending. Deep inside I was aware that this would happen, but not that it would be so painful. I even imagined the possibility that you will correspond to me, absurd right?
The pain of rejection was still there in my heart. Still I didn't want to get away, maybe I wouldn't stop feeling the things I feel but your company comforts me like nobody knows how to do it.
❝Are you going tohold time?
If this moment ends.
As if it had not happened.
I'm afraid, afraid of losing you.❞
Everything returned to normal, we kept talking but it was not the same as before. In my situation I couldn't do much. As much as I wanted to stay with you, I understood why you wanted to have some time away from me.
I kept talking to Sasha a couple of times, even going out when we had nothing to do and wanted to have fun. When she saw me sad she did her best to make me happy again. I knew that he was going through a bad time, what we did not imagine was that you were in a similar situation.
Without warning, you skipped class. What happened to be a day turned into a week, the teachers did not give an explanation beyond that your parents had notified that you would not go. You didn't answer messages, calls, nothing. Every time we went to your house your parents were not there, there was no one who could tell us what was happening.
❝You are like a butterfly.
From afar, you look at me, if we touch hands, will I lose you?
You shine in this darkness is like the butterfly effect.
With your highlights, I forget reality immediately.❞
One afternoon my phone rang. I was amazed to see what you were. Without hesitating twice I answered the call, a few seconds of silence that became eternal for me until you pronounced my name.
A wave of relief hit me, at least you were talking to me and I had no reason to worry anymore. That's what I thought at first until I asked you about your disappearance. You said you couldn't tell me this way, that we needed to meet in person.
Without much thought, I agreed.
❝It's like a wind that gently caresses me.
It is like a powder that moves smoothly throughout.
You're there, but for some reason, I can't get to you, stop.
You, who are like a dream, are a butterfly to me.❞
You sent me a strange address, it was a part of the city I hadn't explored but I wouldn't miss our meeting. I went on my bicycle following the instructions on my phone on how to get there, in half an hour I was already in front of a building with modern overtones. It looked pretty new.
What surprised me the most was reading the words above it, which read: Psychiatric Hospital of Los Angeles, California.
Enter the happy place full of health personnel, patients and relatives of these. I approached the counter and asked for you, they answered me saying that you were on the second floor, in room 105.
I went by the elevator to save time, although I don't show it openly I was anxious since I didn't know what to expect when I saw you. I got to the hallway where your room should be, there were several teenagers who were also hospitalized there. I found your door open, it was not a comfortable room, there were only a couple of beds and the walls were plain, white, without color. I would describe it as dull and without character.
You were sitting on your back looking at nothing, they didn't even have a window to appreciate the landscape. You heard my steps and you turned around instantly, in a reflex I hugged you like I had never hugged you before. You reciprocated my show of affection.
I needed explanations of what you were doing here, you tried to give a sincere answer to my doubts.
A suicide attempt.
When I heard that my brain short-circuited, it didn't seem likely, rather it was impossible from my point of view. You were the happiest person I have ever met in my life. With your optimism you solved any conflict without problems, that's when I realized that I didn't know you as much as I thought.
I felt like a stranger, everything I thought I knew about you vanished in a second. It broke my heart to imagine what would have happened if it had worked... If they hadn't arrived on time...
From that moment I decided to help you. I would return all the kindness you gave me, you promised me that you would stay by my side with a weak smile, my arms caught you in another hug much stronger than the previous one.
❝Is it a lie? Is a lie?
You, you, you...❞
You were released from the hospital a month later, looking more excited than ever as you hadn't been able to keep up with school, instead of being discouraging it encouraged you to finish your homework in record time.
The memories of when you were in that place appeared sometimes to haunt me, I knew you were suffering, but you didn't admit it. He stayed by your side like a dog faithful to his owner, until the end.
My efforts paid off. You gave no signs of feeling down or wanting to make an attempt on your life again, you even happily told me what you wanted to do in the future. You were interested in dedicating yourself to robotics just like Ally and Jess, you were beginning to have long-term goals which excited me since I wanted to share that future with you.
❝Will you stay by my side?
Will you promise me?
If I let go of your hand, you could fly away andyou will break
I'm scared, scared of that.
Are you going to stop time?
If this moment ends.
As if it had not happened.
I'm afraid, afraid of losing you.❞
After class, I went to your house to do a group project. Sasha had also come but she left earlier than usual, we were listening to music and from one moment to another you handed me an envelope in my hands. It was signed with my nickname carefully written in your beautiful handwriting. You didn't want to be too explicit about it, you just mentioned opening it as soon as I left.
I put it in my backpack and when it got dark I said goodbye to you, your parents would be back late at night and honestly, they didn't seem that worried about the fact that you would be left alone. You said goodbye with a smile and a "see you tomorrow"
When I got home I helped my parents with some pending things, I felt quite serene at that time until I remembered the letter. I stopped what I was doing and rushed to find out what it was. I tore open the envelope with my fingers and took out the letter to see its contents.
"Hello Anne.
I really don't know when you will receive this, since I have tried to give it to you on different occasions and I have failed in the attempt. However, I feel the need to write it, I have not been completely honest with you. I'm afraid to tell you in person because of how reactionary you would be, so it's easier for me to do it on paper.
Since the day we met I have considered you my friend, my second half, the reason why I stayed up all night thinking, just rambling how I usually do. You are the most beautiful and talented girl I have ever seen, when I saw people in love I didn't understand them until we met. Without realizing it, you turned me into one of them. My feelings towards you was a secret, how many secrets I have. The reality is that I felt immense happiness when you proposed to me, I felt that love was real between you and me, but...
As much as I wanted to, I couldn't reciprocate. I didn't want to drag you down with me, my problems ate at me and I felt a huge burden to try to do my best, so don't worry, I hid it pretty well until the suicide attempt happened. That's when I ran out of excuses and I couldn't keep lying to everyone like that, which is why I had to tell you the truth. I know it wasn't easy for you either, I can't help but feel guilty for pushing you into this situation where you have to be aware of everything I do. What is happening is because of my own actions, which brought us here.
I... I can't do this anymore. I've tried to move on and be strong, not get carried away by negative thoughts. Seriously, I tried too hard. But I think I've reached a point where there's no going back, I'm tired of pretending everything is fine. I will make a decision once and for all.
If you're reading this, it's because I finally made up my mind. I hope you understand what I did, and if not, hopefully one day you can forgive me.
In the future, someone will come who will give you what I never could. I want you to be happy no matter what happens to me, thank you for giving me the opportunity to meet you and be part of your life. Goodbye, Anna-Banana.
-Marcy Wu.
I was stunned for a few seconds, still not believing what was happening. A deep fear invaded me, if what you said was true, you were already...
I ran frantically to your house, I didn't care what time it was. I knocked on the door desperately trying to find you behind it, saying that it was a joke and that you didn't mean it. But I knew you weren't kidding about stuff like that, I kicked the door in forcefully entering the house.
❝Small pieces in deep, dark grooves.
From my heart, a sterile sound.
I don't know if this is reality or a dream.
My Kafka on the seashore.
Don't go to those woods.
My heart is still searching for you.
(I just wanted to fade it)
My love is forever.
Everything is free for you, darling.❞
There was no other place you could be, I put my hands on the handle of your bedroom door and opened it. In my eyes, it was the most heartbreaking scene I've ever seen. You didn't seem to have suffered when you died, it even seemed that you had left in peace. You were in your bed, one of your arms was on the edge with an empty pill bottle in hand.
A scream of terror came over me and I fell to my knees on the floor, I covered my face in a desperate attempt not to see the fate so tragic that you decided. When I managed to calm down a bit, I decided to approach you in small steps, seeing you up close made me feel worse. He had to be strong, he had to be.
You no longer breathed. It didn't make sense for him to stay there. A small hope that none of this was real flooded my mind, it was unlikely but I needed to hold on to something.
Your skin felt so cold to the touch, it didn't compare to your warmth when you hugged me. Looking at your arms I noticed that they were covered by the sweater you never took off. By slightly raising themanga I discovered the reality behind it.
On your forearms you had signs of self-injury, there were even recent cuts all made aggressively towards yourself. The weight of guilt increased in my chest, I couldn't breathe properly because of the uncontrollable crying that came out of me. I had not been able to protect you, save you, if I had arrived in time, would your destiny be the same? Or was it just delaying the cruel end of your life?
An internal suffering that would not stop.
❝Will you stay by my side?
Will you promise me?
If I let go of your hand, you could fly away and break.
I'm scared, scared of that.
Are you going to stop time?
If this moment ends.
As if it had not happened.
I'm afraid, afraid of losing you.❞
The news spread like wildfire, everyone was shocked by what happened. Sasha couldn't believe it either, she was in a state of denial as if it wasn't true. The heaviest thing for everyone was going to your funeral, coincidentally that day it started to rain too, just like the day I confessed my love for you.
The atmosphere was depressing, dim and rainy. If you were here, you would tell me not to be sad, you would find a way to comfort me and see me smile again. Everyone said goodbye to you and Sasha stayed with me when the funeral ended, she was carrying an umbrella that protected us both from the bad weather, her face was no longer the same.
She may be just as or more hurt than I am by your departure, it's never easy to say goodbye. This was something that would mark us forever and we had to accept it.
❝Butterfly.
Like a butterfly.
Like a butterfly.❞
Marcy, if you see this, I hope you have found the happiness you longed for. I'm sorry I couldn't give it to you, but I want to tell you that you did fill my existence with it. Now you are one more star in the sky, the one that shines the most among all. You were the light that illuminated my darkest corners, which gradually faded over time.
Seven summers and seven cold winters have passed since that day. I keep you present in my mind as if it were yesterday, I have grown a lot and I have learned to deal with the pain. Today, I feel an air of hope, that we will meet again, even if it is for a fleeting second.
I love you, Mar-Mar.
***
No, you didn't pay anyone for therapy after reading this. Without lying to them, I was about to scream, although I already knew it would happen anyway, it hurts. 😔👊🏽
I must admit that I was scared to do this story since I didn't want to romanticize suicide or mental health, I hope I didn't fail in the attempt(? I also want to remind you that your existence is valuable in this world ok? If you are going through difficulties or a bad time my direct messages are always open to you, I appreciate you very much.
Feel free to correct me if you see anything out of place or spelling errors, I wrote this in one night so I may have missed it.
The lyrics of the song that appears in the fanfic is "Butterfly" by BTS, it's very beautiful, you can listen to it if you want.
Until next time.🦋
