Chapter 1
No one cares until you're dead. That's what I always thought and I'm right. But it's not because they don't care, when people don't take in consideration your pain, it's because they are too busy dealing with their own. And sometimes we hope that someone will care, because some of us are just to weak to do it ourselves. There's always the sad moment when you realize how alone you actually are. No one ever messages you first or text you first or anything. So it gets to the point where you don't want to put in any effort with the people who don't put any effort for you, so you end up spending your life at home, never going anywhere. Unfortunately when your my age there is still one place you have to go. High School. I opened my eye, and rolled over to get out of my bed, my yawn was so big it hurt my jaw. I know that I'm alone at home, my father is already at work, like always. My feet leads me in the bathroom, and I look at my face in the mirror, I look so tired, my eyes have big circle underneath them, my hair are everything but clean, but I don't care. I don't care since it happen, my brother used to be the only person that allowed me to enjoy life a little bit. But now he's gone, it happened two month ago, at that time we used to live in Cincinnati, he and I were driving to go at a party, but we never made it there. A drunk driver ran into us I survived but Isaac didn't. I had a hard time living there but we moved in Shreveport after it happened. I close my eyes, and take a breath, it's my first day at this new school, I always hated those days, every one just stares at you as you are new in town, plus I haven't went in town since I'm here. I finally resolve myself in doing the stuff I had to do in the bathroom and once I finished, I went to the kitchen before changing my mind, not being hungry. I go in my room and I take a simple jean and t-shirt that I put on and I add a big sweater to be comfortable. Once I'm dressed up I go to the door and put on my shoes before taking my bag and leaving my house. I go on foot because the school is only 10 minutes away. While I'm walking, I put on my earphone and make my music play. And I forget the world for a moment, I love that moment, when you're listening to music. And you completely zone out. You forget your troubles, and everyone around you. You're focused on that one thing, and that one thing only. You're content, and everything seems peaceful. But eventually reality comes back to you. I just arrived in front of the school, the Woodlawn High school, I'm late, but I don't care, I'm heading to the principal office, and I knock.
“Come in !”
I opened the door, and went in. A middle age man was sitting behind the desk, he had a kind of reassuring face, he wave his hand meaning me to sit down.
“So miss … Jenkins. I'm going to make this short, here's your planning, and I'm sorry, but I have no time to lead you to your class, but I'm sure you can find someone in the corridor to help you.” He smiled
I have no time to talk, he kick me out of his office. I stay shocked for a moment before resuming my minds. I shake my head before starting to walk in any direction, after 5 minutes wandering in the place, I finally find someone, a blond girl, I step in front of her and she look up at me.
“Hi...” I say
“Hey ! Can I help you ? You are the new girl in town ?” She ask
“Hum, yeah, I'm looking for … hum, this class ?” I wonder by showing her my planning
She look at it, and seems to think.
“Yeah, I can show you that, come with me.” She smile
I follow her, and we start to walk in silence. We finally arrived in front of a door, and she knock.
“Yes ?” A voice call from inside
The girl open the door.
“Hi mister Martin, I'm just helping the new student to find your class. So here she is.” She then leave me alone
“Hi. Miss Jenkins isn't it ?” The teacher ask
I just nob, he then just wave his hand and tell me to go find a seat. Fortunately for me there is a lone seat at the back of the room, once there, I take my stuff out of my bag and I lay on the table. This hour of class seems to last forever, nothing was interesting enough to take my mind out of my current trouble. So I just keep thinking, of everything and anything, to stop that, I start to look at the students in class, they are like so random, there is the group of popular girls, who were looking so arrogant, then there is the group of guy, laughing for nothing as they look at the teacher, and finally there is the smallest group, those who are just here, nothing special. But I don't belong here, I know it, and in the end, it's ok. The bell ring and I got up fast, and headed to my new class even if I was early. I just didn't want to cross anyone path. Once in front of the class door I just sit on the floor waiting for the teacher to arrived. My earphone in my ears, I just forget the world for a moment, none of the people passing in the way notice me, and it's fine. Until a guy comes to sit side with me, he doesn't talk at first he just sit and close his eyes, I don't look at him, hoping it would convince him not to talk to me but he does.
“Hey ! How you' doing ?” he say
“Hum... Fine.” My answer seems cold in purpose
“What's your name ?” He ask with a smile
“Lexia.”
“I'm Jake. You are the new girl right ?”
I just nod trying to forget that he is talking to me by focusing on my music but it doesn't dissuade him.
“You don't have any friend, right ? If you want you can come to hang with me and my friends.” He say
“No, I'm fine. Thanks thought.” I smile
He was going to talk again when another guy arrived, this one seems different, not by the way he looks, but by the way he act, he look down when he saw Jake, like if he was afraid of him. I don't know why, but strangely, I want to know. So I look at him, and smile when he look up, he answer it shyly. I see from the corner of my eye that Jake has been watching us, he burst out of laughing.
“You are more into this guy than in me ? Well, girl let me tell you that you are losing your time, this fag wont ever be manly enough just to talk to you.” He jerked
I discretely open my eye wide, I'm shocked by his words, my eyes still focus on the other boy, I just see him look down again, in … Shame, I think. But why ? That's what I never understood, why does it have to provoke shame ? I don't know the truth, I don't know if this, Jake is saying the truth when saying that this other one is homosexual, but no one should ever say that kind of word. But I don't say anything, like many other would have done if they were me. And I am the one ashamed here, why did I let Jake get away after saying this ? But either way, I have no time to speak more, the bell ring again and we have to go to class. A calm hour, again, just nothing happen. Like always after all. I get up at the end of it and I see the boy from earlier running away from the classroom. With no idea why I follow him. He walk fast, trying to drawn the less attention on himself, why ? Where is he going ? I finally got my answer when we arrived close to the bathroom, he enter and I don't know what to do, I can't follow him... Right ? It's the boys toilet room. But we are alone, no one near the place and no one inside beside him. So I push the door, trying to be silent, once I'm in I just listen and I hear him, he is hiding and crying. I take a deep breath and make a little knock on the door of the toilet room he's in. I hear him gasp with surprise, so with a big effort I start to talk.
“Hey. Hum... I saw you running away from the class. Are you ok ?” well, what a dumb question. I hear him cry and ask if he's ok, well done Lexia.
“Yeah. You're a girl, why are you in here ?” he ask, trying to sound casual
It could have work with someone else, someone who doesn't know what it's like, to put on a mask just to try to convince other that everything is just fine when it's clearly not. I don't buy it, it's fake, I can still hear the tears in his voice, the pain coming from each one of them, so I sight.
“I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I'm sorry I didn't spoke up earlier, I just didn't know what to say, but I should have said something. I'm sorry.” I say
I start to turn around when he open the door. I look at him, his blond hair are now messed up, like if he had tried to tear them away from his head, his eye are red from crying, I don't move, waiting for him to speak first.
“Why ?”
He doesn't need to say more, I get it, he's a little like me, I guess, maybe less fucked up but still. I look at him straight in the eye and say.
“Because you matter, we all do, somehow. No matter who you are, what you've done, you do matter. This guy is a jerk, I don't know who you are or what may have happen in your life, and I'm not going to act like if I knew what it's like because I probably don't. But just remember this, you do matter.”
He smile, genuinely, I wonder since when he hadn't smiled like this. Personally it's been a long time. We stay here for another minute, I feel kind of good about what I just did, maybe I avoid someone the pain of becoming as broken as I am, and deep down it feels good.
“Thank you.” He whisper
I nod, I don't know what to say anymore, he smile, and goes toward the door, he then turn to look at me and so I start to follow him. I have one last hour of class, and I really hope it will pass fast enough. I'm tired, it have been month that I haven't talk that much, and now I just want to lay in bed and never get up. Have you ever just randomly starter crying because you've been holding in all of these emotion and pretending to be happy for way too long ? Because I have, and I know some other people did, I should perhaps say that it's going to be ok, but honestly I have no idea. I don't even know what will happen tomorrow or if I'll survive today. But I do know my problem, I care way too much when others don't. So eventually I end up torn apart without being able to do something about it, sometime I wonder... Is it worth it ? To invest so much time, so much emotion into somebody or something and know that eventually it will all come to an end ? I leave him alone for the end of the break and I'm late when I go back in class, I knock and I hurry to find a seat, there's only one left, side with Jake. I really don't want to spend an hour with him, but I sit and don't talk, the teacher continue his class, and Jake turn to me.
“Did you really went into the boys room just to check on this fag ?” he laugh
“Yes, and ?” I don't want to talk about it.
“Well, don't waste your time, this guy is probably soon gonna kill himself and we’ll all be better for it.” he whisper
“How can you say that ?! Are you really that dumb or just naturally blond ? It doesn't bother you that you can be the reason someone is feeling this bad about himself that he would kill himself ? Who are you to judge people like this ? Did he ever did something to you ? I seriously wonder what is wrong with you ! How … How can you be such a dick ! It should really be illegal to be this stupid !” I scream, the whole class heard me and is now looking at me.
I'm shocked of myself, I don't give him the time to replied, I just run out of the class. And I actually run toward my home. Once there, I take out my shoes, throw my bag on the floor and I run in my room. I just throw myself on my bed and I don't move until not even two hour after I hear my father coming back home. I frown, he shouldn’d be here this early, what's happening ? So I get up with big effort and I go down the stairs, I find him on the phone.
“Yes, I'll talk to her... Yes, no need to worry, I'm sure she's fine. Good, thanks, goodbye.” He hang up and turn around to find me.
“Lexia.” He just say
“Yes ?” I ask
“What have you done ? I just got a call from the high school, they say you started screaming on class and then you just left. Care to explain ?”
“The thing he said, there is this... boy in class, he is just so mean, and he said something about how happy he would be if one of the other boy killed himself and I was just so mad ! I screamed at him and I left.” I explain
My father nod, I'm sure he doesn't believe me, once again I'm going to pass for the crazy one.
“Hum... Look Lexia, since... Since Isaac's gone, your different, I think you might need help.” He admit
“Help ? Like a psychologist ?! You think I'm crazy ?!” I get pissed
He dare to say that something is wrong with me, but how am I suppose to be fine ? My brother is dead, my mother I never knew, and my father hasn’t been able to look at me in the eyes for two month, so no, maybe I'm not fine, but he have no right to say it.
“Yes. I'm not asking you, I know you need it and that you wont admit it. Actually I've been thinking about that since a little while now. I already booked you an appointment tomorrow after school.” He command
I don't answer, I stay silent and turn around to go back in my bed, he call me from downstairs, but I don't care, I just don't, like he has for so long. I lay silent, there is no sound, nothing is bothering the night. I get up and leave the house, after a look at my phone I realize it's past midnight, maybe I should not be outside that late ? But who cares, there is no one in the street just me, the wind is blowing in my face, it's cold, really cold, but maybe if I had took a jacket it wouldn't be. Not knowing why, my feet lead me to the cemetery, I go in and sit on one of the bench, there is so many grave, I know one day I'll be one of them, I just keep wondering if it really worth to live when I know I'm going to end up like them, dead. The tomb in front of me is different, there is no name, just a sentence.
“For those that can't be close to those they've lost.”
I feel it, his presence, my brother is still here, watching over me as I try to keep going. I don't know what he may think of me right now, he would probably tell me to get the hell out of here, Isaac always hated cemetery, and now he is trapped in one. I look down at the tomb.
“I'm sorry. I don't know if you can hear me where ever you are but I'm sorry, that I was the one that convince you to go to this party that night. I failed you, but I don't know what to do anymore, I'm just so lost and alone, no one care about me like you use to, no one cheer me up when I'm down like you did. I just wish I could have said goodbye, but death isn't like this, it doesn't care if you had time to say goodbye, it's not like in movies when they have the whole goodbye scene. Death is harsh, it take a part of you, because in the end nothing can bring back the person you just lost, only those left behind are hurt, and all we have left is a hole at the place in our heart where that person used to be. I miss you when something really good happens because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you were the one who understood me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were of the best times of my life.”
A tears rolled down my cheek, I don't control a thing, why ? Why him and not me ? I don't deserve to live, there is some times when I wonder why I'm still here, if I killed myself tonight, the stars would still appear, the sun would still come out, the Earth would still rotate, the seasons would still change... So why not ? But I'm not brave enough to do it. I get up, and I leave this place, to go back in my house, my room. And I lay still on my bed, I can't sleep, all I can do is think, about everything I don't want to think about, I can't help it. Eventually I end up falling asleep after two hours. When I wake up the next morning, it's the same routine, once in class I just sit silently, people give me weird look, I know why. It's because of what I did yesterday, but seriously ? Why does no one ever said something to that guy ? Classes ends, and I'm heading outside of the building, when someone catch me.
“Hey !”
“Hi.” It's the boy I defended yesterday, I don't even know his name
“Sorry, I... I just wanted to thank you for... You know, you didn't have to, but thank you anyway.” He stammer
“You're welcome, no one should be treated like that. He deserved it.” I answer, trying to smile
“I'm Ryan by the way.”
“Lexia. I'm... I'm sorry but I really have to go.”
“Oh, ok, of course. Bye, see you tomorrow ?” It sounded like a question
“Sure, see you.”
And I leave, I hate my father for forcing me to go see this therapist, I run a little when I'm close, I'm late and I don't really know where it is exactly. Ten minutes later I found the right door. I knock.
“Come in !” call the voice inside
I do as I'm said and once in the room I look around me. It's a huge office, with obviously the huge cliché, the sofa where you lay to talk about your life.
“Hey ! Miss Jenkins, is it ?” A blond woman ask
“Hum... Yes.” I whisper
“Great, you can sit, I know it's a little bit cliché but you can sit on the sofa.” She smiles
I nod, and sit. Actually I don't want to talk, I never do, I'm forcing myself but it kind of hurt me to talk, I never know if my voice can carry on, there's always a risk that I tumbled on my words and that everything I try to hid just burst out of me.
“So, I'm Sophia Alden. And I'm going to try to help you. So tell my some things about you.” Sophia say
“Hum...” I don't know what to say.
“Alright, I'll help. How old are you ?”
“17, almost 18.”
“Good, do you have friends at school ?”
“I just arrived, so no.”
“Ok, but did you had friends back to your hometown ?”
“I think so... They were more my...” I stop, I don't want to talk about that.
“Your ? What ?” She frown
I shake my head.
“Not a problem. I'm going to ask you a very important question and I would like you to answer me honestly. Alright ?” She ask and I nod. “Are you ok right now ?”
I wasn't expecting that. I can't answer her question. Because I don't know, I'm not... I think. I just want to cry, all the time, and I want to scream, in my head I accuse everyone around me, I make them responsible of my pain. But I know that I'm the only responsible in the end.
“Sometimes I want to die.” I didn't realize I said that out loud.
“Are you feeling suicidal ?” she ask
I have to answer, I don't know why but I have to get it out, what does it matter if I say it ?
“Not actively, but if something bad were to happen to me I wouldn't necessarily be upset about it either.”
“Please explain.”
I take a deep breath and I think about what I'm going to say, how to say that.
“I don't think I have the courage to actually go through with committing suicide, but if I were to be walking across the road and a car was coming straight for me, I'm not sure I would get out of the way.”
And that all I say, I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the session, I said enough. But Miss Alden was still talking when I stopped listening
