Horns For A Halo

The phone on the sidetable, on my husbands side of the bed dings for the fourth time. Currently he’s having a long shower whilst I am trying to finish folding the gigantic pile of washing I hauled out of the dryer. I can see the ensuite door is open a crack and I peer in to make sure he’s distracted enough before stealthily grabbing his phone. The PIN code is 1408, the day and month of his birth. I enter it.

I know snooping into your significant other’s phone is code for an already rocky relationship. In the past, I never would have betrayed my husbands trust by perusing the contents of his phone. However, lately he has been acting strange - it all started with the birth of our daughter, hes become angry and distant. A stark difference to the loving and happy go lucky man I once knew. Now, everything I do annoys him. I swear if I breathed the wrong way, he would snap at me and start an argument. Sometimes I think he loves the drama. It’s something to get him away from the boring monotony of our traditional life together.

I enter into his messages and click on the newest ones that are sitting unread.

Dominic: I can’t wait to taste you again tomorrow Bec.

Becca: You wanna taste my pussy again, babe? Tell me how you’re going to fuck me.

Dominic: Fucking oath, I wanna taste that sweet cunt of yours. It’s been years since I’ve tasted something so sweet. After I’m done making you cum on my tongue, I will sink my cock into that tight pussy and make you scream my name.

Becca: Oh fuck yes, I’m touching myself right now, thinking about it.

It’s hilarious how your body registers complete and utter shock. My heart rate in a matter of seconds shoots through the roof. I shake and sweat. Never in a million years did I think my husband would be unfaithful to me. We have been together since high school and have always been each others best friend. I have obviously been really naïve, and that in itself makes me mad. I consider myself an intelligent, attractive woman, not someone who can be disregarded and thrown away for someone else.

Maybe I’ve lost it? To be fair, since the birth of my daughter, I’ve gained a few pounds, and most days I sport a dirty topknot with sweats and an oversized t-shirt covered with baby drool. Ok, so if I’m honest, I’ve let myself go, but this is just the stage of life we are in at the moment. That doesn’t give him the right to find companionship with someone else. Does it?

I hear the water stop running and sit on the edge of the bed with his phone in my hand and wait patiently for him to emerge. As soon as he sees me with his phone, I see it written all over his face, except it’s not what I expect. I expect to see remorse and, if I’m honest, a little grovelling. Instead, he is smirking at me.

‘What the fuck is this?’ I say, throwing the phone at him.

Dominic glances at the phone and shrugs. ‘What does it look like?’

I gasp at his blatant lack of respect. ‘Are you cheating on me?’

He just stares at me with a smirk on his face. I’m not a violent woman, but at that exact moment I see red, my blood is boiling and my emotions are a complete mess of jealousy and disgust. I lunge for him and slap him across his face. It’s the first time in 15 years of being together that I’ve raised a hand to him. Dominic grasps my arms roughly and yells in my face.

‘What do you fucking expect? I’m practically ignored. All your attention is on Noel, and I’m just pushed aside. I may as well be sleeping outside with the dog.’

‘She’s a baby, you selfish prick! She needs me to do everything for her, and you obviously have no intention of helping me out in that department. I can barely shower without her crying for me, and you want me to lavish attention on you instead? Are you completely delusional?’

Dominic growls at me, ‘when’s the last time we fucked Beatrix? That’s right, you can’t even remember, can you?’

‘We have sex at least once a week!’

‘Yeah, and what an amazing thrill that is? A quick root with no passion or fire? I can’t live like this. I love you, and I won’t leave you…ever. But if you continue neglecting your wifely duties, what am I meant to do?’

I start feeling guilty about his words. He’s right, the sex we have is nothing more than a transaction. He gets his release and then we roll over and turn off the lights. I don’t get anything - not that it’s an issue for me considering my constant state of exhaustion.

‘Do you love her…Becca?’

Dominic looks at his shoes. ‘I like her a lot. I’ve got some strong feelings for her. Is it love? I don’t know.’

‘Will you stop seeing her?’

‘I can’t.’

My eyes widen in horror. I’ve imagined this scenario a thousand times before. If I’m honest, I knew he wasn’t happy and I guess a part of me wasn’t either. But when you become a mother, you sacrifice a part of yourself to look after those you love, leaving very little time for yourself, or anything else, for that matter. The devotion and love you feel towards your child is unlike any other, and consequently the guilt of not being everything to your husband wreaks havoc on your soul. I’ve been told it’s normal to feel this way by family and friends. It will pass - they always say. It’s just the stage of life you’re in.

I refuse to be gaslighted into feeling like the villain in this scenario. ‘I’m leaving.’

I walk into the lounge room where Noel is playing on the floor and pick her up to smell her sweet baby scent. She’s almost one-year-old so that smell will be gone soon. I Try to find the comfort and love inside me as I hold my child close to my heart. Then he walks in…and he’s crying.

‘Please don’t leave me. I love you so much. I fucked up, I’m sorry.’

‘My heart is shattered into a thousand pieces right now. You’ve destroyed us, what we had. You were my everything.’

‘I promise it will never happen again.’

I stupidly believe him.

3 MONTHS LATER

We are currently in the exact same situation.

I’m shouting at him about some whore he’s been fucking. He’s begging me to stay. Promising me the world.

‘How many women have you been fucking?’

Guilt is written all over his face. ‘A few.’

‘What the fuck is a few? I want a number.’

Dominic takes a deep breath. ‘You really want to know? I don’t want to hurt you more that I already have.’

I nod at him, ‘if we are going to get through this I need complete honesty from you, ok?’

Both of us are sitting on opposite ends of the couch. Dom scrubs his hands over his face in frustration. ‘Honestly? I’ve lost count.’

My mouth is agape and then I draw in a breath at his admission. ‘So, like five?’

‘More.’

‘Ten?’

I see him sigh and his shoulders slump.

‘More than twenty?’ Surely not, I think to myself.

Dom doesn’t say anything at all and just looks at the big flatscreen hanging on the wall in front of us.

‘Fifty!?’

He looks up at me. ‘That’s probably a good estimate.’

How could he possibly have fucked over fifty women? I’m in utter shock. One woman would be bad enough…but fifty? I start to worry about myself and take a mental note to get myself checked out for STDs.

‘When did you find the time? How?’

I know I should probably be walking out on his shady ass right now, but I think of our daughter and the fifteen years we have been together. We have a great life; he provides for us and we are secure - wanting for nothing.

Dominic tells me that the majority of the women were sex workers and meant nothing to him. It was just his way of letting out some sexual frustration. Then he met Becca, and she changed his whole world and point of view. He was introduced to an alternative lifestyle. The people he’s been with are all part of exclusive sex clubs, in open relationships, are poly or swingers.

‘She means something to me, Bea. Of course, it’s nothing like what we have, but I care for her.’

My eyes water with his admission.

‘Have you had a threesome?’

‘Yes. I’ve tried most things, Bea. If I’m honest, I don’t think it’s possible for me to stop now that Becca has enlightened me as to what’s out there. I don’t think I’m cut out for the traditional kind of relationship you and I have anymore.’

How can he be saying this? He married me and vowed to love and cherish me forever. We have never even had a discussion about seeing other people. My heart is breaking and I don’t know what to do. If I stay, he’s basically just told me he won’t be faithful, that he can’t be anymore. I love him, and don’t want to leave. This is so complicated.

‘What do you want from me, Dom?’

I can tell he’s anxious by the way his knee is bouncing up and down, and a thin sheen of sweat is covering his forehead.

‘Would you consider an open relationship? I know you have never been with anyone except for me, and maybe it’s a way for you to explore your sexuality, too?’

I always assumed the thought of me being with another man would make him jealous. Apparently not. Looks like I’ve completely lost my appeal over the years and he would be happy enough to pass me around to strangers. What ever happened to those men I read about in books? The ones who possessively claim you as their own and worship you? Alas, this is reality and I don’t think men like that exist in real life.

‘I don’t want to fuck random strangers, Dom. It’s not safe. Plus, when would I ever get a chance? I’m never alone, and you certainly won’t take care of Noel for me.’

‘We could go to a sex party together? You would be safe with me being there. Mum can look after Noel for the night.’

Could I really go to a sex party?

Maybe, if Dom sees another man flirting with me, he will realise what he is missing. I know I couldn’t have sex in front of a room full of people - but maybe the visual (men are meant to be visual creatures aren’t they?) of some other man desiring what is his will change his stance? It’s worth a shot, and if all else fails, I will leave him.

I decide to give us one last chance.